Ephesians

Counsel to Parents

Paul doesn’t stop with children. This passage is, of course, an amplification of Ephesians 5:21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Submission, as we have seen, is always a two-way street. The Word of God never says to one party only, “Submit.” Submission is always mutual.

So if children are to submit themselves in obedience to parents, it is equally true that parents are to submit themselves to their children. The word translated fathers in Ephesians 6:4 could just as well be translated parents, because it includes both the father and the mother. The emphasis is laid largely upon the father, however, for it is his responsibility as to what the children become. That is a sobering issue for fathers to consider. Mothers may enforce policy, but it is the father’s task to set it, and to see that his children are raised properly.

How, then, does a father submit himself to his children? By avoiding the actions that make a child rebel—by not exasperating the child. Obviously, there will be times when children become angry, and when they rebel. There will be times when even the best and most appropriate discipline will make a child angry. These times of anger are momentary and to be expected. That is not what Paul refers to here.

Paul is warning parents, and particularly fathers, to avoid the kind of actions that, over time, tend to produce an overwhelmingly exasperated, frustrated, sullen, rebellious nature in a child. Paul is saying, in effect, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to the place where they completely lose control and rebel against authority.”

There are two styles of parenting that tend to produce rebellion in children: indulgence and harshness. In a previous time, the father was often a tyrant in his family. Children had to toe the mark and often had very little loving contact with their parents. But in our day, we have seen the pendulum swing too far to the opposite extreme, toward indulgence. All too often, we give our children everything and let them have their own way. We entrust to our children the power to make decisions they are not capable of making.

The limits of godly discipline are like walls. Walls can sometimes feel frustrating and confining. But walls serve a beneficial purpose. They symbolize safety and protection. A child who momentarily rebels against walls during a time of discipline will one day be thankful for the safety, security and sense of love those walls supplied.

Paul contrasts these two exasperating parenting styles with the right way to raise children: “instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Notice the two terms Paul uses: training and instruction of the Lord. The word training means discipline—a balance of love and limits. Instruction of the Lord means teaching, or “putting in mind the things of the Lord.”

As the child grows older, training is to be replaced by teaching and helping the child to understand the principles that underlie rules and restrictions. As we train and instruct our children, we continually seek to show them that we are concerned for them and we love them. As training gives way to instruction, gradually give children more responsibility and trust as they prove they are capable of handling it.

Our task as parents is to submit ourselves to our children by devoting ourselves to the process of loving, guiding, training, teaching, and praying for them, as they submit themselves, in attitude and deed, to our firm but gentle authority.