This file contains all the messages in the Yahoo group currently located at the link below. This will allow you to read through the messages off-line
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52 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Thu Nov 11, 1999 4:38am Subject: A birthday story From Lynn: My husband's birthday was last Sunday. We had a beautiful day with friends around and went to watch a play in the evening. We had a very good time. Let me tell you what happened. On Saturday evening, as I was getting tender and loving towards him, hub turned me off with some rude comment related to a very old grudge he was carrying against me. I felt myself curl inside and my heart ache and I began to cry. I left the room and went to another room where I sat down and put my head in my hands and cried. Suddenly I realized I was not crying hoping for someone to comfort me anymore. I was crying for the sake of crying, knowing this was both the consequence of my hurting and the healing pathway. A few minutes later, I already felt better because I realized for the first time I was not expecting any "mother" to detoxicate my feelings for me, something nobody had ever done for me, and did not feel double hurting for the loss of a "mother", but suddenly I could do it for myself, and all this was mine, all mine: the hurting, the tears, the feelings, the healing. I was the OWNER of my feelings. I realized I had always felt deprived of my feelings, like my mother would steal my feelings - maybe the reason why, to this day, it is so hard for me to tell her something makes me happy, tell her some goods news or so, because immediately it's like she's stealing my joy and happiness and I'm left with nothing. All at once the grown up thing worked: someone hurts me, I'm hurting, but he's bad and I ain't wrong - it's not my fault, I'm just sad and hurt, yet it does not mean he's wicked or mean, it only means he's hurt me and that's all. After this I went back to bed and I slept a detox sleep - a bit agitated with a lot of dreams I can't recall. Hub did not sleep a lot I think, guess he was feeling guilty for screwing things up. Sunday morning I went to brew some coffee and then came to him to bid him Happy Birthday.... he apologized.... a thing he wasn't quite inclined to do before...I said never mind - you deserve a good day today - it's your birthday - you deserve a nice party... He was happy and lovely to me all day long, and since then he's been much more relaxed. Nice story, huh??? I think this adapting process is going well enough... Lynn
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Fri Nov 12, 1999 5:35am Subject: Topsy turvy path to peace My emotional progress has been topsy turvy. Feel I am getting so close to ending the strangling hateful relationship with my mother. Going through body symptoms, many new and deep feelings. I am switching therapists again when the last one told me I 'had to' think of 'good things' about my mother and kind of threw some very negative traits on me. I can own them however it's not what I needed at the time. I need to feel and process the hate and anger and resentment. I've written some gory poetry to that effect and that is what put the last therapist over the line. Have been reading the papers of Margaret Chace and Mary Starks Whitehouse both dancers and dance therapists and what compassion toward the dancer, child, mental patient, yuppy. A foundation of self-love and community building through their work and attitude. Great role models! Sharon
I thought all my anger at misguided therapists and psychiatrists was gone, but it surfaced again when I heard of psychiatrists in Antwerp setting up a ward in a hospital for babies. Asked what disorders they were going to treat, one said the 'crying baby syndrome.' Can you imagine... they want to stop the only chance those babies have to heal. I ache for them. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Sat Nov 13, 1999 4:20am Subject: Kip Kingel EUGENE, Ore. (AP) - Kip Kinkel, the 17-year-old who filled his journal with rage, self-loathing and fantasies of violence, was sentenced to nearly 111 years in prison Wednesday for gunning down his parents and going on a rampage in his high school cafeteria that left two students dead. Kinkel will not be entitled to parole, meaning unless the governor commutes his sentence, he will die behind bars for the attack at Thurston High School in Springfield. After hearing days of wrenching statements from victims' relatives and many of the 25 people wounded, Judge Jack Mattison said it was more important to make the victims feel safe than to try to rehabilitate Kinkel. Before the sentence was issued, Kinkel read an apology from a small sheet of white paper. ``I have spent days trying to figure out what I want to say. I have crumpled up dozens of pieces of paper and disregarded even more ideas. I have thought about what I could say that might make people feel just a little bit better. But I have come to the realization that it really doesn't matter what I say. Because there is nothing I can do to take away any of the pain and destruction I have caused. I absolutely loved my parents and had no reason to kill them. I had no reason to dislike, kill or try to kill anyone at Thurston. I am truly sorry that this has happened. These events have pulled me down into a state of deterioration and self-loathing that I didn't know existed. I am very sorry for everything I have done and for what I have become.'' He was angry at his parents, and misdirected anger toward classmates, and now turns the anger inward. When the receptors in neural pathways are clogged up with excess neurotransmitters, (i.e. toxicosis caused by the repressed anger), nerve impulses are diverted and thinking becomes distorted--delusional. Most people who misdirect anger as he did at the school have no idea why they are doing so or have some deluded reason. And when he killed his parents he didn't know why. Of course the victims, and/or their families, must have their anger at Kip, but Kip could be rehabilitated if given the chance to redirect his anger. Experience is laid down in tree like patterns in branching neurons, and I expect some of the branches where memories of childhood interactions with his parents were clogged up, so he was not clear why he did it. He was acting out some fantasy. Fantasies (and scary dreams) might be said to be distorted re-creations of early trauma, during which neurons detox the neurochemicals that store repressed anger. These incidents are why I focus on my prison project. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Mon Nov 15, 1999 4:44am Subject: Dreams Hi Ellie, I understand better and better every day the anger I do have inside. I still have anger against the first therapist who does psychodrama. I saw someone from the former group therapy session and that night had a nightmare about the therapist (the third nightmare about her). In the dream, my whole spine went into a spontaneous whip-like movement that lurched my body forward, out of my control...in reaction to seeing her in the dream staring at me fiercely. So weird. I feel there is still material to be processed with her not to mention my mother and the initial months of my life! I am re-focused on working with my anger more consciously. Thanks for your help. Sharon
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Thu Nov 18, 1999 4:50am Subject: Questions from a new member Hello Ellie: I found and registered for this list recently. I have read the article a couple of times, and have a couple of questions. Firstly am trying to determine exactly how to use you or this list as a tool (other than reading the digests/emails). For instance, your instructions are: Secondly, I think I've become so resigned (having tried all sorts of different methods over the past 20 some odd years) that anger doesn't even *come up* anymore -- just profound sadness and resignation. But I'm thinking maybe it's in the writing/re-creation itself that brings the anger back to work with? I have suppressed emotions so dramatically it's scary. I only realized this after reading the article and archives. I don't really *feel* anything any more. I sincerely thank you for your article, the information and this forum. I am very frightened these past few months, as my life is beginning to deteriorate and I can't seem to do anything about it. My insurance won't cover one-on-one therapy, and so am grateful to have found this resource. I know the information and method is accurate but I also know I need some kind of connection to support doing it myself. My resignation and apathy has me want to do ANYTHING other than the work you have outlined. Lastly -- I have no problem with you choosing to post anything I write to he forum. You seem to be quite a remarkable woman, with an equally remarkable life and I trust you implicitly. But do you need any personal info from me? (i.e., age, profession, background, etc.). Thank you, Connie
I'm so glad to hear from you and that you are interested in using the self help measures. Please understand I am not a therapist, just another abused child who happened on this discovery and found that these measures speeded my recovery, so think of me as more someone in a 12 step program who just got this recovery before you did.
I could use your advice. I've been trying to write a certain novel for eleven years now, and recently I decided to devote myself to this project and get it done, and what has been coming up is my main characters, twins, have a grandmother who is a Satanist. So I started doing research on this on the Internet the past couple of days since I have always avoided stuff like this before out of fear of being corrupted by it, and what I have learned is those things (Satanism, witchcraft, etc.) mean: "My will be done" as opposed to "Thy will be done." I'm also having a lot of memories of a dark period in my teenage years (the same age as my twins) when I explored this stuff with no help or knowledge... just attracted towards it from something within me...and what I'm wondering is: am I now old enough and strong enough to look at all this stuff? There is a real interest in this stuff I feel on an emotional plane as I view the various things about this on the Net. There is a sense of temptation from some part of myself that is thinking: wouldn't it be great if I could use this to get rid of the ogre and the legal horror in Chicago? Without knowing what I was doing as a teen, I did do magic. I didn't have any kind of training or counseling or anything. I just did it on my own. I quit when I was about 18 out of fear that demons I had seen would get me. It's important that you understand that my experiences with this were all alone and without any kind of guidance or help. It was stuff I just did on my own. So, at 56, and with all the inner work I've done on myself, I am drawn to examining all this now, and not only or my book, but for myself as well. There is a real interest, and, at the same time, there is fear. What do you think? Madge Dear Madge, I had a friend who was a childhood victim of Satanism. Her mother and some priest abused her as a child, but her memory of it was pretty much gone. She was very attracted to Star Wars, and fantasies that had some similar characteristics to Satanism, and I believe her attraction was for the purpose of re-experiencing her early trauma in order to get the anger out. She also became a surgical nurse for the same reason, in surgery she could do to others what was done to her and in this way get her repressed anger out -- all unconscious. But the anger needed to be redirected away from her patients and to her parents. I know you were an abused child, in what fashion it doesn't really matter, but we all create fantasies in later life (the writing of a novel is such acreation) that are attempts to re-experience the early trauma and heal. It doesn't mean you were the victim of Satanism, but some of the characteristics of your early trauma may have been similar. Often some of the characteristics of the fantasy are similar to the childhood abuse, but in changed form. Say a father who was abusive becomes the King in a fantasy or Satan in the practice of Satanism. It sounds like you have a need to heal past wounds and current wounds from the ogre, etc. Can you use this understanding to release and redirect your justifiable anger at past abusers using the self-help measures in the article. Writing the novel sounds like a great way to accomplish this. I used to watch the Waltons, with full knowledge that it was an opportunity for me to get my anger out at the sanctimonious mother and grandmother, knowing I was getting my anger out at my own mother. It helped me to heal. Sounds like your exploring Satanism could be helpful in this same way. Fear is a signal anger wants out, so if you feel a real fear, go with it as you explore and recognize it as anger that needs to get out and be redirected. Alice Miller used art, for you writing. As I know you understand the toxic mind theory and are using the self-help measures, I hope this make sense to you. When you have released all the anger and are post flood as I call it, you may remember some early trauma that had similar characteristics to your choice of material for a novel or Satanism. Ellie
58 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Fri Nov 19, 1999 7:40am Subject: Psychosomatic disorders Dear Ellie I have only recently become aware that I have a psychosomatic illness that is caused by repressed anger. I know this because I get terrible pains in my stomach when something makes me angry. When I ask myself what it is that is making me angry I can usually trace back to the source. I have always suspected that I was repressing stuff but I never realized to the extent that I did it. It is very disturbing to realize that I do this and I am so out of touch with my own emotions. I do not remember when, how or why I started doing this and I guess my body just got to the point where it couldn't store any more anger. I have also become "allergic to some common foods such as wheat, milk and sugar. I noticed you mentioned these foods as having some kind of exitory effect on the nervous system. I have tried beating on the pillow and redirecting anger but I have a real hard time getting angry at my parents even in the privacy of my own head. I am learning however to allow myself to get angry at current situations and to retrain myself to be aware when I am angry now. I know that part of the trouble is that I have this idea that I am never justified in being angry and that if something goes wrong or even if someone says or does something then I am probably to blame for the situation. That sounds illogical I know, but I am just becoming aware of it. Anyway I hope to continue to make progress in this area and to reconnect with my feelings, thanks for sharing yourself with all of us. Sincerely, Carol
It's probably a good sign you are having problems with wheat, milk, and sugar. It means your body is rejecting these since they are not foods the body can use. You are always justified in feeling angry. True, it takes two to tangle. The other person may be misdirecting anger at you and you may be doing the same with that person. Even if something went wrong because of your behavior, your behavior was probably an expression of misdirected but justifiable anger, and you are innocent of this behavior. It's anger that needs to get out and if you turn it in and feel guilty, that's still misdirected. It needs to be redirected to past abusers if it is intense. These incidents are an opportunity for you to redirect anger. Your anger in current interactions is a mix of anger at the current person, and repressed anger from earlier trauma when you had to learn to suppress it. It is when you feel intensely angry in a current situation and it is out of proportion to the situation that it is most important to do some redirecting of the anger toward past abusers. And if the other person initiated a fight of course you have a right to be angry. If your response is intense, again it's mixed with old anger and some of it needs to be redirected. I hope this makes some sense. Keep rereading the article. I know it is hard to accept that our parents couldn't love us in healthy ways. Remember they were innocent victims of lack of love themselves. No parent needs to be perfect, but we were unfortunately programmed not to have our justifiable anger when they weren't perfect, and also we were afraid to get angry at them for fear of losing them. Have you tried writing a brief autobiography of your childhood relationships. You don't need to recall everything, but it might trigger some ideas of how you were neglected. For example, I did not remember being left to cry it out in my crib, (and I was never physically abused) but I remembered that a friend of my mothers who lived with us said my mother would never allow her to pick me up. When you do redirect anger toward your early caretakers remember you are not hurting them...you are just getting angry at their disease And this release and redirecting of your repressed anger will heal you emotionally and eventually of an psychosomatic (better termed neurogenic) problems. Ellie
http://www.home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway/depression.html The same article entitled Self help for addictions is on: http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Sauna/2579 The longer version entitled Self help for emotional disorders is on: http://pages.nyu.edu/~er26/depression.html
Subject: Anger A note of caution about anger in current interactions. Those of us with repressed anger from childhood invariably have intense anger in current interactions that is out of proportion to the incident. The self-help measures are not a license to rage at others who abuse us in the present, but a means to release some of the repressed anger by banging on a bed or mentally redirecting anger toward past abusers BEFORE confronting someone in a current interaction. I hope if this is not clear to anyone that you will carefully re-read the article so as to understand this. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Thu Nov 25, 1999 4:42pm Subject: More on anger I want to add to my last message about anger in current interactions, that even if we rage at current abusers in the self-therapy, but not in person, it is still counterproductive. The idea is to recognize that intense anger is a mix of current and old anger, and to use this as an opportunity to redirect most of the anger toward past abusers. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Thu Nov 25, 1999 4:49pm Subject: Thanksgiving A good day to mention some promises for post flood people. Post flood people gradually lose their cravings for junk food, including many foods now known not to be useful for humans, like wheat, grains, bread, corn, cow's milk, processed sugar and other altered foods, including most cooked foods. It's much easier to give these up when one is post flood, but for health reasons it's sometimes necessary to do it along with the self help measures. Those who do a detox of toxins from bad foods along with the emotional detox are likely to recover sooner. I'm looking forward to delicious raw food this Thanksgiving Day. Here is a message from Carol, who tells me she read the Diamond's book Fit For Life, and is interested in more raw food. "I just wanted to tell you about a site that talks about raw foods and recipes. I signed on to it some time ago and I think its time I got more serious about it You may already know about it but I thought it might help someone else on the list. It's Nomi Shannon and its www.rawgourmet.com. There are lots of suggestions and recipes for those interested in converting to raw foods." Carol
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