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870 From: Sharrhan Williamson> Date: Fri Nov 10, 2000 4:49am Subject: Re: Redirecting - and CRYING SO MUCH Hi Steve! I cried buckets, many times several days in a row, during my period of redirecting. I, too, had stuff with my mother because she had abandoned me emotionally & physically. The crying is very good for you and part of the healing process. The pain is coming out. You will feel better in time. Hang in there! Love & Joy -- Sharrhan >Hi Ellie, > > I have been still redirecting my anger and sadness. I have noticed I have become more in touch with my feelings. This past week - everyday - I have been feeling so much sadness and grief. I have been crying everyday in my office this past week. I have such sad feelings for being 'left' by my ex fiance 3 months ago. Also this has triggered the abandonment of my mother growing up emotionally (Of which I redirect at her a lot) All this redirecting seems to have made me cry every day this week - including the past weekend also. > I feel like I am coming apart. I feel like I am broken in bits and pieces and I'm not able to 'get over' the pain (of mostly my ex - whom I still love and miss - I believe she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, though undiagnosed - All of the behavior she demonstrated was extremely painful - I suspected the disorder after the breakup) > >Ellie..My question is...regarding all this crying that I am doing (and not purposefully) Is this to be expected?? Is this normal for someone who is redirecting? Has anyone else experienced this?...and when will this crying subside? I haven't experienced that 'high' that is mentioned in several days. I was beginning to wonder if I was actually getting worse. > >- Steve
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Nov 13, 2000 2:48am Subject: Doubting the process? Hi Ellie, > I have been redirecting my anger now for 4 weeks or so. I reached a crisis due to a failed relationship with my ex Girlfriend to whom I was engaged. I have written to you a couple of days ago regarding the enormous amounts of crying I had been doing over the past week. You stated that this was a good sign, grief detox following the anger detoxification. > My (2) questions to you is that I am STILL feeling horrendous amounts of anger towards my ex who abandoned me. I know that this is related to my mother and father emotionally abandoning me. No doubt I am full of rage towards them in the way I was brought up in such a dysfunctional family. I don't think I've reached that muddy basin period you spoke of yet. It seems, (Right now) that I still have such a high level of anger that I could scream!!...I can't do much directing here at home (I am currently living with my parents) I do most of my redirecting at work in my office. > I enjoy getting physical...pounding the carpet with a yard stick. I feel a good release as opposed to mentally redirecting - (I don't really know how to do it mentally - I never seem to experience that same kind of release - it's uncomfortable for me) I would like some feed back on this if you can. S Doing the redirecting mentally was just a suggestion for people who are in public and can't get physical. Ellie >
> My other question was regarding this ENOURMOUS amount of FEAR that I have. I've been reading the articles and messages and you say that this is anger turned inward. If I continue the redirecting ...will this Fear go away, so that I may feel comfortable and confident, safe and secure in myself? I don't know if I'm making sense here. It is pretty much paralyzing to the point where I think I am afraid to succeed...almost like I am so used to failure, that succeeding scares the hell out of me. S. About fear, if it is a mental fear, ie a thought (rather than a physical fear) that you may not succeed, it sounds like a 'thought' you might be having in between the periodic detox crises, when you may be a bit depressed and doubtful of the process. This is likely to happen and you just have to go through it. You will be encouraged with the next detox crisis and the redirecting you do. The kind of fear I refer to as an excitatory nervous symptom is more a physical fear, like in your chest, eg. when you might have to confront someone and this is always an opportunity to redirect. Ellie > Friday at work I closed my door and pretended that my ex was seated in a chair in the room with me. I gave her a piece of my mind and yelled and said all those things I never got to say. I could also imagine her replies and replied back...I wound up taking the 'control' back from her - I beat the hell out of the chair too (Imagining I was beating the crap out of her - though I never hit her or was violent in anyway while I was with her) I felt SOOO much better afterwards - she didn't seem all that fearful after I did this - In fact, she seemed pretty insignificant - She was no longer a monster to be feared in my mind the rest of that evening. But I am feeling those feelings again. I had nightmares of her last night How many times must I redirect for the same feelings of anger that seem to be reoccurring? I have been redirecting it at my mother at the same time. I know the majority of my anger is from childhood. You can bet that I am redirecting at my mom. > I am waiting to get to the point that all that anger for my ex is gone. I will say that my X and my mom treated me very similar in many ways...especially EMOTIONALLY.....re-enactment at its best. I'm rambling now - I will end. I HAVE noticed the change...that's what kept me redirecting. S Rejection is a powerful healer. Keep redirecting more and more to your parents. The rejection by your girlfriend has triggered your anger at the emotional rejection by your parents. When you are post flood you will not feel the pain and hurt of either rejection. Ellie Next day from S. Yes...the fear that I'm experiencing IS mental. I have been perusing through a lot of the archives...and find them very helpful and encouraging. With regards to my fear...I think a lot has to do with my being Co-dependent. I have found that when I'm involved in a relationship, that I feel an energy that I would not normally know how to achieve for myself/on my own/ apart from another person. This is my addiction. I have never learned to 'know' me...love me etc. I have always look for others to give me this 'feeling' - Of course, it was reenacting the childhood neglect and seeking to solve the dilemma in a current relationship which NEVER worked. I was just reading your wonderful description on Co-dependency #286 and said to myself "That's Me!!!' I plan to print that sucka out and put it in my office where I can study it and become conscious of the behavior - I wonder (pause) would I even 'need' to be conscious of that?...I mean, if I continue with the redirecting, will the issues of co-dependency disappear for me? If this is true.....Oh what a day to look forward to...it's almost too good to be true...I'm a little eery of things that are so good to be true......especially after coming out of such a relationship that I thought was just THAT.....and that blew me away! S Believe it, it's true, and you don't have to become conscious of codependent behavior or try to control it. It will gradually subside. This self-help is based on biological healing mechanisms that have been going on in your brain since birth. Doing the redirecting during detox crises, ie during excitatory nervous symptoms, is a way of speeding it up. The toxic mind theory is true, so the self-help based on it cannot fail. %100 of people who have used the self help measures as described have become post flood. I have intimate non-codependent friendships with post flood people. Lynn, who is about a year and a half post flood and whose story you will find in the Testimonials, is flying in from Switzerland for a visit next month, and we will have fun seeing the Christmas lights in NYC. Some day my mission may be to have dating service for post flood people, who know how to love in the true sense. Ellie Another thing you said in the archive #226...When we are redirecting at our mother/parent...it is not their SOUL that we are getting angry with and hating...it's their disease. A light went off!!! This made me see in the (hopefully not so distant future) that I CAN be able to communicate with my mother, love her and have some kind of a relationship with her when I become post flood. I don't have to harbor bad feelings toward her about the past, but I can see that it was how SHE was shaped when SHE grew up. I will keep you posted on how I am doing...S Yes, you will have all the love and gratitude that you have always had for her. Ellie I am planning on moving and go to school to become a Licensed Massage Therapist....While I was doing some research this morning...THAT'S when all this fear started to paralyze me...like I was fooling myself. I felt like 'Who am I kidding...I cant do that...I just know I will fail......It's over my head....I noticed that when I am faced with a possibility of succeeding - I become frightened and fearful....Because I was soooo conditioned to failure...and to believe that I wasn't good enough, wise enough, old enough...Ahhhh...Here come the memories from my mother and father....the 'Treating me like a Child...and incompetent Bullsh**t they fed me constantly...They STILL treat me like some effin child - Can't wait to get to work tomorrow....Get into my office, close the door, Look out carpet...I'm gonna beat the crap outta you! :-) While typing this I had some insight to my fear. I hope to stand with you on the other side of the fence and proclaim FREEDOM from a toxic mind. Your creativity will emerge in a new and non-compulsive way and you can succeed. You may have to knock on many doors, but those that are supposed to open will open. We will stand together and try to open that fence for others. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Nov 13, 2000 3:22am Subject: Antidepressants Dear Ellie: > I have suffered from severe depression for many years. I may feel better for a month or two, but then the depression reappears. I am currently starting to feel better again, with 3 new antidepressant medications, but I want a permanent release from this depression and it's dehabilitating effects. I am very interested in your articles and I believe that it can work, but is it for me (or everyone)? I am hesitant to try this form of "therapy" since I don't want to feel worse than I already do, BUT I desperately want a permanent solution. I am concerned about the depression that will occur after a detox crisis, etc. I don't want to feel worse! Please comment. Soph
Yes, this self-help is for you and everyone. It is just a way of speeding up the natural healing process that is going on naturally in your brain. Study all the articles, and just go ahead and try it. Using the self-help measures i.e. releasing and redirecting anger have the same effect biochemically in your brain as the antidepressants, so if you explain this to your doctor, and he is willing to take you off of them, you can substitute the self help measures. Your depression can be permanently relieved in a few months. Yes, you may have increased depression temporarily following some of the detox crises, but this will soon be lifted with the next detox crisis when you redirect anger to past abusers. It will be easier to deal with this if your doctor takes you off the medication. There are people using the self-help while still on antidepressants, but it seems to be much harder for them and the medication slows their progress. I would suggest taking my scientific article to your doctor and asking for his support in this. Ellie
http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety
http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 875 From: Sharrhan Williamson> Date: Tue Nov 14, 2000 4:47am Subject: Re: Digest Number 346 Hi Steve-- What I went through at work during redirecting was so similar to your experience, I had to respond. It seemed like as soon as I started redirecting, my relationships at work, and everything about work in general, immediately became an incredible drama! It was amazing. Many times I ranted and raved about things that were driving me crazy at work, on this message board. Redirecting amplified and magnified everything negative that happened in my interactions at my job, and it was difficult. But it got easier as I continued to redirect, and it was about 3 months later when it suddenly cleared up and I found my co-workers delightful and my job significantly less stressful. (I was shocked!) I know what you're going through. Just know that a lot of it is exacerbated by the redirecting itself, and it will get better. That I can promise. If you really don't like your job to begin with, your eventual outcome may not be quite as euphoric as mine was, but I believe you'll be pleasantly surprised to see how much better you'll feel about it before long. Love & Joy -- Sharrhan >Elnora, > >I've been trying to redirect for a few weeks now. I'm definitely not doing better. I've been much more introverted at work as well as at home...that's a sure sign of my depression getting the best of me. I've tried to internally redirect at work cause I cannot outwardly show it on the sales floor. I have tried to outwardly redirect at home but my wife seems to take it the wrong way so I wind up internalizing...not good! I don't know if it's because of my mental state but I HATE my new job. It is the most shark infested sales floor that I've ever worked on and management doesn't seem to care either...they feel that a great way to keep us hungry! I hate going to work, though I have to for financial reasons. I'm not due in today till 12:30 PM but it was an effort just to get up to get ready to go to work. I want to cry but can't seem to get it out and I'm afraid that if I hold all this anger in much longer that I'm gonna explode over some stupid little thing that probably has no real significance. What can I do? I guess I need to start this taking baby steps to get into the right direction, I'm lost! I feel that I'm being bombarded from so many directions that I'm scared and confused! All I seem to want to do is run from my problems or sleep to avoid dealing with this. Please help, if you can! > >Thanks for listening!!! > >Steve :-) 876 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Wed Nov 15, 2000 5:24am Subject: Rejection I need some advise on how to handle my current situation. My wife of 16 years tells me that after the holidays she wants me to leave. She says that I don't bring anything to the marriage. I believe I do. I help with the chores, with our daughter, pets, around the house. She says that the only way I do anything is if someone is behind me pushing and she is tired of that. I tried to tell her that she goes through this every year and I think it has something to do with her abuse issues. I need to write more but I have to answer the phone. > Thanks, MSW Dear MSW I can't give you advice about specific issues you may have with your wife about doing chores, etc. and your concern that she has abuse issues. This eGroup is for YOUR recovery, ie support for people using the self-help in my article, The Biology of Emotions. Please refer to the article and the suggestions in the Welcome message. If you are using the self-help measures you will see that rejection is a trigger for you to release and redirect anger to your parents as suggested. If your wife rejects you, your reaction has to do with early emotional rejection by your parents or early caretakers. When you recover yourself your relationship will change. You then can offer this self-help to her. Ellie
http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety
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> I'm sure you are beginning to tire of me. Well...anyway...I went to a restaurant by myself last night...just to treat myself to a meal OUTSIDE...It was strange to me. I felt so awkward...I didn't know how to 'feel'...I felt so strange to myself and strange to my surroundings. I know you are not a therapist...but I will come to my point... > I felt so alone sitting there. I realized that over all the years, my mother raised me so enmeshed with her...and didn't accept me, approve of me...and I never felt safe to be me...NOW, after weeks of redirecting, and treating myself out last night...I realized that I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!! I've spent most of my life trying to please my mother and father...that I grew up not knowing me. Its scary, cause I almost feel like I don't have a self. This made me very sad. I think it's more than co-dependency...but I haven't a clue. > > I redirected today a few times in my office at work. banging the carpet with a ruler. I managed to feel my anger, but have a hard time separating the 'disease' from my mother...I find I'm angry at HER...and mad as hell that this has happened to me. I am very discouraged right now. I've redirected so much...really got at it. Felt all hot and worked up afterwards. I'm sad right now...very down. I don't know if this will work for me. I'm very tired of all this. I have been taking St Johns Wort for the past 2 months...but missed taking them last night and this morning...I don't know if this has anything to do with the sadness I am feeling. It is almost depression...well...probably IS depression. But I've just finished redirecting 30 mins ago...and worn out from it. > > I'm discouraged. I don't know what I am asking for. Maybe encouragement. I read the archives every night. It helps to some extent. I just don't know anymore. I guess I'm feeling lonely and sad. I miss having a love in my life. Someone that loves me...and cares for me JUST AS I AM. > > Thanks for listening. > - Steve Dear Steve, Quit the St. John's Wort. Every drug, and this is a drug even if from a plant, has an equal and opposite effect. This means if it lifts your spirits temporarily it will eventually make your depression worse. It is only interfering with your recovery. The redirecting will work much better when you are off it, and take away your depression not only permanently but sooner. Remember this is a periodic detox process and you will cycle through ups and downs for a while. That you were feeling sad and down when you wrote this email tells me you were in that down phase that follows the detox crises. Did you put that sign on your refrig, "It will lift" No, the loneliness is not more than codependency. It is the major symptom of codependency. It is a craving for the kind of love you needed but didn't get as a child. You don't need this kind of love anymore. Loneliness is a trigger to release and redirect anger to early caretakers. Whenever you feel lonely put even more effort into redirecting to your mother. Keep up the good work. When you are post flood, you will know who you are and you will love yourself. You will not feel lonely even when alone, and guess what, people will like you too. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 878 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Thu Nov 16, 2000 6:52am Subject: Addictions will be gone If you are struggling with an addiction to sedative type drugs, including alcohol and foods that sedate, the self-help measures will gradually relieve you of all addictions. If you crave something to relieve anxiety, try to do some redirecting. If you go ahead and take the substance and feel guilty, be sure recognize the guilt as anger turned inward, and do some more redirecting. The cravings will become less and less as you approach post flood. Eventually any addictions will cease, and if you should ever need a potentially addicting drug, for example for pain, you will be able to use it without fear of becoming addicted. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 880 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Nov 18, 2000 4:24am Subject: Improved sleep Ellie, > Well, I didn't have to wait long for another detox crisis...today was a tough one...and I couldn't get it all out. I managed to relieve some of the tension that I believe was adrenaline building up - the fight or flight response. Everytime I noticed I was tensing up and worrying (of course, about my past relationship with my Ex Borderline gf) I would get the ruler and start pounding the floor and getting angry with her...and switching over to my mother and father...it helped, but not as much as I expected. > > I noticed I woke up pretty well today...had a good sleep (slept thru the night - very restful with no 'bad' dreams...just some good discoveries as I was waking. I went to the bathroom 15 mins later before leaving for work and I was vomiting...I couldn't understand why...like my stomach was rejecting something...but I didn't eat anything...it was weird...though it felt relieving afterwards....can't explain it. > I'm just concerned with getting most (if not all) this gunk out of my brain....so that my body/mind stops craving thoughts of my ex to provoke mental/emotional vomiting....I DON'T WANT TO THINK OF HER ANYMORE....IT SEEMS EVERYWHERE I GO, SHE'S STILL THERE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND....oh well...I'm looking for a nice size stick that fits snug in my right hand....one that I could give a good whacking....I broke my other two. > - Steve That you said it helped but not as much as you expected, is actually a good sign. It sounds like you are not getting as high after a detox, and this means the gunk is mostly out of your brain. And the restful sleep without bad dreams is a good sign. You might try at this stage to cut out any dairy, bread, cooked grains, pasta, processed and overly cooked foods and substitute more raw fruits and veggies. Get a big stick, you are doing great. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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