Corporate America

Don’t you think it is refreshing to swim like this in the middle of all those sharks, but in Los Angeles instead of London? It almost makes it bearable, almost.
I just got off line with my ex-boyfriend, my first one, the millionaire. It was surreal to see him again in his webcam. He looks better than ever. For a second there I thought he was going to take his shirt off and masturbate. Unfortunately I just did myself just before talking to him. I thought of sending him naked picture of me, I stopped myself, and I even told him. My God, I’ve become quite the pervert. But he must be too, I’m sure he does a lot on MSN wit his webcam. I’m sure he exchanged photos and films with nice gay friends. What a nice view they must have when they fall on him. I sent him lots of photos of me anyway, good ones, one more recent, but hey, I had to. To show him how I look like now. He did not make a comment. I reminded him that with Atkins diet, I could look exactly like my other photos. Let him chew on that…
15 March 2006
Oh dear, I’m exhausted. Worked extra hours to get that brochure to the designer. Bit annoyed that the Senior Manager refused that I worked on that from home, asked me to remain in the office until it was done, and then, he fucked off at 4! I feel great that it is done and that I won’t have to work on this tonight from home. I could have easily worked on it until 2 a.m., as I am such a perfectionist. As it stands, I worked quickly, must be full of mistakes, I have not read it a second time.
I came home and I have only two beers left, thank God, I would have drink 10 tonight. Funny, I have noticed that on weekends I don’t drink at all, I mostly sleep to recuperate. And on work nights, I drink myself to death and write all night. I should change my priorities, and drink only on weekends, but then I don’t feel like it.
One thing is for sure, when you have a Manager over you telling you it has to be done today, and you do it, afterwards, it feels great. Another one in the can, no matter how bad it is. I will miss that once I work on my own conference, but I will remember, to set myself deadlines, it works wonder.
I’m watching right now a simple British film on TV, don’t even know the title or on which channel, all I know is that it feels damn good. I feel like I am watching a French-Canadian film, just to tell how much I identify myself with the UK. When really, I should not be. True I’ve been living in London 11 years, I don’t even have my citizenship yet. I wonder if I will ever get it. Certainly not if I remain in Los Angeles. And then, I would never get my American citizenship either, to get that I would need to win the lottery, and this is not an analogy, it is a lottery that you need to win to even get a greencard. I’m too tired to tell you here how I feel and how disgust I am about that state of affair. You can keep your America for yourself, it is only sinking anyway with Bush at the top.
America is a great country, but I’m afraid, to become American myself is a fight I don’t intend to fight. I had enough fighting in England to even get a visa. Too long, too expensive, too disheartening. Immigration stuff should be left to where they belong, in the bin.
And then only remain the matter of becoming rich enough to live six months here and six months there. Something old people have become famous for, the only capable of affording it. I read today in the newspapers that people over 50 own 70% of all estate in California. I’m not surprised, none of the young people can even afford a car. This is America for you, and it is going somewhere that should worry everyone. We’re all very poor down here, we can’t even afford a DVD anymore, I don’t know where it is heading, but some day we will discover that the American is just plainly unreachable and we will lose faith in the system.
I’m such an idealist. I should be like everyone, not care at all for the masses. I’ll get rich, like everyone else, and just forget that the rest of the country cannot by a DVD tonight. They think downloading online has killed the entertainment industry, I think they’ve got it wrong, the new generation simply cannot afford to spend on anything. So they don’t!
And we will soon discover that our great capitalist society can no longer go anywhere or sustain itself, in our obsession in making sure no one makes any money, while we get richer ourselves. Useless to try selling your products now, sell to the old people, they’re they only one with money and assets, and I’m afraid, they’re not the ones spending anything.
Don’t I need to, should I, just kill myself? I’m not that desperate tonight. But I certainly don’t feel like doing anything. I’m dying anyway. I’ve got no soul to sell, as would say Trent Reznor.
I’ve not seen what they said was coming. A life of leisure, with only 35 hours a week. 50 is more normal, 60 quite often, 70 sometimes. I have a high paid job, I’m told, and yet I can’t afford anything. What must it be when you have children? Yeah I have debts, but everyone now has got them. They want your life for any good salary, and even then it is not enough to survive. What a waste. This country must be in bad shape, even though I know it is worse in Europe. We’re as poor as the Third World, just a little richer, but not by much. And we certainly don’t have happiness, peace, to compensate. We’ve got the life from hell.
And now, I know what I am talking about, because I am actually a salesman. Also a marketer, and everything else, but the title of salesman is quite something I never thought I would ever have to deal with. Calling people who are just upset that you even had the guts to email them and call them. To ask them for money! Isn’t it ironic, that the worse thing there is on the planet, of course apart from having someone trying to sell you his faith or religion and reading the Bible, is to have salesmen harassing you. Give it to America to have half of its inhabitants to actually be salesmen and marketers. The other half are either Bible/religion salesmen or upper management doing nothing all that. Unless of course, as we can witness in many corporations, upper management is also expected to make money, but much more, like signing the contracts of the century, that’s often what is expected of them.
Yesterday I thought I heard it all. I was getting used to have astonished at the other end of the phone, disgusted that I am calling to ask for money, and then I hit the jackpot. A woman, the President of a an important association, took the bother to call me (imagine, I had only sent her an email by then, when I usually send three or four and call at least 3 times). She was angry at me, saying that they do not support any for profit organization. She was saying this as if I was immoral, unethical and I was going to burn in hell for even thinking of having their association supporting my conference.
What a bitch. Let’s see what’s wrong with this picture. I print 40,000 copies of my brochure. I mail that to my huge database of the exactly right people she needs to reach so they may eventually join her association. I also have that online on the website, this is free publicity for them. They also get an exhibition stand for free at the conference and one complimentary pass. They get much more than I. All they have to do in return is to make their members aware of the conference. And I’m not even sure if that will even bring me one delegate in the end. S she thought I was trying to sell her something, I was actually giving away something valuable to her not expecting much in return. And why would I do that. Because what I am giving her, even though would mean a lot for them, costs me nothing. So why not? If I can secure a few more delegates?
What was so horrifying in that story, what I should have told her, is: so what, you have something against for profit organization? What exactly? How dare you judging me, when your own association has got the word Commerce in it, and represents a conglomeration of companies interested in one thing only, making millions if not billions. How quickly you forget in which country you live and what system your life depends on. Sales madam! So you better start respecting me, as you respect your flag. Because I symbolize everything this country stands for. Now, do you want sign that contract? Was I eloquent enough? With just the right amount of pity me and emotions?
A few years ago I would not have accepted to see my boss fire the salesman, and then telling me that I have just become the new one. I would have said on the spot: fine, fine yourself another conference producer willing to be a salesman. And the disturbing thing is that it is not that hard, it is not as unthinkable and horrible as I always thought it was. And the most disturbing thought, is that why I don’t see this any more difficult than recruiting speakers and putting together the program and brochure, is because in the end recruiting speakers, attendees, supporting organizations, media partners or sponsors, it is all the same thing, it is sales job I have been doing for the last decade! What an awful thought, an awful life. They hide that fact very well, with titles like Conference Researcher, Conference Manager, Conference Producer, and telling you that you will travel all around the world. But we all know what it means, it is like job titles like Vice President or Business Development, that means sales on another scale. These are jobs that are really worth the energy and the salary.
18 March 2006
I am 12 days away from having to decide if I am going back to London or not. I have done the first step this morning. I sent an email to my financial company overseeing my existence, to let them know that my job in the US was not working out as planned and I may be required to return to London, willingly or not. I innocently asked them where I was standing with my agreement with the creditors. This is giving me a headache.
They have already accepted no payment for three months this year, I doubt they will do the same again just because things are not working out. In their mind, I’m sure, they would oblige me to keep the job from hell if it meant keeping up with repayments. I wonder now if perhaps there would be a way to really declare bankruptcy instead of this personal agreement with my creditors. And would I have to still make monthly payments, I wonder.
The thing is, starting a business out of nothing, with no money to even make my monthly payments, sounds highly unrealistic. Never mind that my business could actually make good money, no one will want to invest in me. I do not even have the possibility to try to get a loan, it is forbidden as per my contract.
This fortnight I have to decide and take the plunge is also weighting heavily on me. Tell the apartment people, that is easy. Telling my bosses? That is hard. Especially the when I should tell them. I’ve been used in giving long notices before leaving a job, in this case I don’t need to give one. I can tell them I’m leaving, the day that I fly out of the country. However it does not seem sensible, it feels wrong. At the same time, knowing them and how they proceeded in the past, I would not be at all surprised that at the moment I would give them my month’s notice, they will terminate me right there. And I would be here for one month without working, which is fine anyway by me. So what should I do?
Meanwhile, Stephen his fighting to keep his job, somehow he is confident his disciplinary will have a positive outcome, perhaps he is right, even if it does not seem likely to me. He has got out of worse in the past, he is excellent at digging himself out of a hole. However, I’m afraid to say, he is also excellent at digging himself these holes and throwing himself in them. And anyway, he will lose his driving license soon, so he has lost his job.
Could be destiny, I don’t see myself starting this conference business all on my own, I will need him. If he was still working to support us, I would be alone, I might not succeed. The only remaining problem would be to find some investors, but then, it would be nice not to have to deal with that. If I could somehow start this whole thing without any loans, it would be something nice. No damn repayments every month. We just need a few months without money, if that is possible.
There is also the matter that I cannot own this business, it has to be in Stephen’s name, and I need to be his employee. Otherwise, my creditors will take everything for the next five years, leaving me with the minimum required to survive. I could not start a business in those conditions, no surplus could ever be reinvested in the new events. The enterprise would be useless and could not go anywhere.
This is when you wish you had parents with a bit of money and willing to help. This is when you wish you had save a few thousand for a rainy day. So would not have to depend on anyone in your own business. A loan from a bank would give me the freedom to do what I want, but an investor would push for me to produce conferences about the high end corporate world, where the money is. Something I don’t want to do.
This is not going to be easy. I would require some miracle. In the meantime I should work this weekend on my future conferences, and finish my business plan, but with the week I had, with all the overtime to finish that conference I am working on for my bosses, there is no way I can do anything. I’m too exhausted.
19 March 2006
Tonight, Sunday, I am completely freaked out. It is not new, I’m afraid to say, every Sunday, the thought of going back to work the net day fills me with apprehension. At the moment, however, it is worse than usual, it makes me physically sick.
Perhaps trying to understand why here will help? What I wrote here yesterday about my simple plan to go back to London to start a business, seemed realizable enough, despite all the obstacles. There has always been miracles to save me in my enterprises, and when no miracles came to the rescue, some other avenues opened up before as a good solution and compromise.
After explaining to Stephen what I had in mind, it seems the obstacles were insurmountable. It sounded like another of my crazy ideas that would flop monumentally and will put us both in a larger hole. That was just the bit about how we would survive a few months without any money, unsure if we will make any money out of these conferences, just in time to survive before having to abandon ship.
The greater at the moment is what gives me a headache. That in ten days I have to announce my departure to my bosses. Stephen is adamant that I need to give them a month’s notice, even if they would not in a slightest give me that chance themselves if they decided to kick me out. There is no reason to be immoral or unethical to people who are immoral or unethical. I agree, unfortunately, even if I saw in my one month silence, the chance to see where this job could have led me. I am after going to work on a European conference, and God knows if that works what they would want to do. Open a London office, perhaps.
But now I understand that this would take months to happen. And I don’t really. If I am to open their London office, why not open my own office? I would be doing the exact same thing, they don’t even have a database for Europe. Granted my salary would be my security, making it possible to pay my bills, but if in the end I am making them larger profits that this miserable salary, I might as well go in business for myself. So I have to find a solution.
My other worry is that I could probably get my old job back in Westminster. That is maybe the other avenue that could present itself. However, I would grow too comfortable in that job and I would not develop my own conferences. Second, if I were to work hard on developing my business, then I would only disappoint them a second time, and even, in this case, deceive them. Before setting foot back in that old job, I need to be certain that we will not be going ahead with the business.
Usually, once I have identified why I am freaked out, I feel better afterwards. The problems are identified, I can get closer to a solution. And often, even without a solution, I feel better, since most of the time my panic attack comes from the fact that the problem is not even clearly identified. Tonight it does not work. I am still in panic mode. It is already 9 pm, no more time to be alive, to enjoy my little bit of freedom. I am again scared shitless of the magnitude of my past decisions and my future ones.
I wish I was not all alone in this. That I could reassure myself by talking to a trustworthy ally who would share my vision and help to draw a plan. As it stands, I only have Stephen to point out all the negative side of it, unconvinced, while we have short conversations on the phone which cost us a fortune while we count the seconds. And in all this enterprise, I’m afraid to say, he cannot help. He is so afraid of the computer, not knowing anything about it, that I cannot count on him to do much in this matter. He will be good when I tell him to make phone calls, but not to find the places to call in the first place.
I am all alone in this, like I have always been. If this succeeds, it will certainly count as my biggest achievement ever, never to be repeated. But starting a business is not something new, thousands of people do it every day. I don’t know how, I don’t even know if they are frightened by the idea, or if they are simply desperate because they have no other choice. I’m sure they at least get money somewhere to start up, either family or banks. Maybe I am pushing it thinking it could work out without that kind of support. We are already way too much in the hole for that. If I had any asset, I would sell them to start this business. I don’t. Stephen has some assets, but it is impossible to ask him to sell them, and even, he made it clear that he would not. Even if he wanted to, his parents would stop him. Anyway, I was not counting in his assets to start this business, it has to be done either with no money and work quickly, or simply we’ll have to find a solution along the way. Money does not grow on trees, contrary to what Hollywood would have us believe. Am I again thinking the impossible? Am I bathing in a sea of illusions? Am I never going to get anywhere acceptable?
20 March 2006
I never paid too much attention and I never used ever the expression that a meeting was like a cold shower. Today this expression took a new meaning for me, as when I am in the shower and suddenly the water turns cold, I make a very specific cry. And after my meeting with the big boss and the Chinese Girl, this is exactly how I felt, and for the rest of the morning, I made that same cry.
This morning I got one good news, one very bad, and the other seems good in theory. I had such a feeling yesterday all day, I felt something terrible was going to happen at work. I was dead on, it took less than an hour. I remember sitting in the boss’ office and wondering what that bitch of a Chinese Girl was doing in there. I did not want to be wiped by the big boss in front of her, especially not in front of her since it is known we are at war and she’s up to get me. At the back of my mind, I knew it could only mean one thing.
The meeting started slowly, as my boss knew I would not like what I was going to hear. He first told me that there was now a new structure in the office, a new hierarchy. He explained it to me as if it was the very first time I had heard it, when in fact, I’m the one who told exactly how it should be. And for most of it, it was good news, only the job titles were not the ones I proposed, but almost. The professional Consultant they hired must have felt like he had to come up with at least something to justify his pay check, so he proposed my own ideas with ridiculous job titles. But I don’t care, that was another victory for me.
What was not respected in my propositions, was that I was supposed to be on the same level as the two Managers, the Valley Girl and the Chinese Girl. How could it be otherwise? I have ten years experience, in all their competitors, all my reports have changed their way to do business, and now I am the lowest of the low, the Chinese Girl is now my boss!
For a second there, the two assistants in the office, I thought they had the same job title as me, the famous Spanish Guy finally got what he wanted, we would both be Event Producers, while the Chinese Girl and the Valley Girl were now promoted to something like: Managing Event Producers. Then I realized that they took pity on me, I’m a little bit higher than the two assistants, they are now Associate Event Producers. But plainly stated, their job description is identical to mine, except for one added line: Mentors Associate Event Producers about how to perform these functions, functions that they know better than me for having been there longer than me, so it is clear that I will not be mentoring anyone.
Anyway, it is some sort of good news. Because I did not know how I was going to tell them that I was leaving in 10 days time. Now this is wonderful, I don’t need to justify anything, it will be clear. I simply cannot work under the Chinese Girl, as some sort of assistant, she will have me for breakfast, and probably within 10 days the whole thing will collapse on itself, even if I am going to try my best to be as submitted as possible, I certainly have no choice. My boss repeated many times that he expected me to report to her everything, and that I was expected to obey her in everything. He was basically admitting right there that he was expecting problems. Of course, he thinks I will be the problem, when it is obvious that the problem will be the Chinese Girl.
Now I only regret that they have not given me the exact job title as the two assistants, because then the injustice would be complete, and I could leave them without any guilt. They did not feel it wise to push it that far, but I think the message is quite clear, despite what my boss said about me being responsible for their biggest events to come. He made it sound like if I was going to be the only producing events in there, the two assistants sort of remain assistants, and the Chinese Girl now overseeing three employees, won’t have time to do anything else but to manage us. And the Director and Senior Manager are now off the hook, working on something else altogether. That leaves the Valley Girl.
She was so pissed off today, first thing when I entered the office. I don’t know what her title will be actually, but I know she is dead jealous that the Chinese Girl sort of got a promotion over her, and it is not hard to understand why. She has destroyed so many employees, and me being her last victim, they clearly understood that I would never be able to be under her. True, I would have left there on the spot if they had made that mistake.
Now my only worry is, would the Chinese Girl be professional and not explode for any reason at any moment? Because I won’t take it, that much is obvious. And if she is too patronizing, or demanding, it won’t work either. This is also obvious. I’ll try as much as I can, but I’m known to be a Yes Mam, especially if it is to be under a newbie with much less experience than me, who is actually out of control, bossy, and to be frank, a problem maker when there is no need to, just like the Valley Girl.
Not sure how all this will work, but they certainly given me the perfect opportunity to bow out gracefully. I could say that I simply cannot work with the Chinese Girl because an obvious clash of personalities, however I don’t need to mention it. Now I can invent anything, and they will still understand why.
Just got an email from the Spanish guy, stating that he is leaving early today. He too must be gutted, as it is clear from his job description, probably, that I am higher than him, and may in theory answer to me. When there is no way, so why he is worried? Poor guy, no one told him that I have ten years experience all over the place, he probably feels that with his six months there, he deserved to be Event Producer, and that I should be answering to him. He is going to burn himself, I would not be surprised if within ten days he is gone. Or even, that he would not be back tomorrow. And truly, no one job jobs has really changed, only the other Sweet Chinese Girl and I are now under Master Bitch Chinese Girl. Everyone else stays exactly where they are.