Defining Moments

ROJO POEM
The poem Rojo really meant a lot to me during the Christmas Holiday. I shared this poem with Danielle. She understood and helped me through Christmas. It is only honorable that I include it here in this memoir. Rojo was my poetic essay that described my account of how my sister was murdered.
ROJO

©5.23.2006

(In the book Tabula Rasa Mee Nah: Extraordinary Measures)
AUTHOR NOTE:

This is dark poetic essay dealing with an actual event that I experienced in my life. The way she was killed is actually in the writing below. Not really poetic essay as it is a real event. However my sister deserves to be remembered. My sister was killed brutally by my biological mother and this is that memory of the event. I used poetry so that her story would be forgotten. May my sister’s soul rest in peace.

ROJO

Children possess certain innocence about them. They see the world in a playful state. It is in this state that relearning processes begin and develop. There are certain realities that some children should not have to see or experience. Rojo is one of those instances. In Spanish, ROJO means RED. Blood is the color of red. It runs through our very being and spills just as easy.

It is the morning of December 25, 1979. There is a child of 7 years waiting for this day. The child awakens hoping that maybe the rumored Santa Claus has arrived with some gifts under a tree that does not exist. Maybe Santa knew the poverty stricken state of the child and he would take pity and still leave a gift for this child. The child looks around the hall way in a beat up two story mansion. There is nothing but the smells of urine of the dogs and certain sadness begins to set in on the child.

The grandmother and mother come down the stairs,

“Sit down. Santa has brought you a special gift just for you,” the mother states.

The child sits down nervously. A certain hope begins to build in this child. Santa did come after all. What did he leave?

In the middle of the hallway, the child is sitting waiting anxiously. The mother grins and underneath the bench in the hallway she pulls out a red bag. The mother smiles at the child.

“Santa saw your letter that you left. What was it again?” the mother says.

The child listens.

“Dear Santa, please come to my house even though it’s dirty.

I will be a good girl. I have been reading the word of Jesus.”

The mother hands the child the bag. The child feels the bag. A certain terror begins to enter the child. The bag is dripping with red water from it and it’s squishy. The child begins to open the bag, and immediately upon opening screams. It is the human head of a five year old girl…her sister.

The mother laughs at the child. The child begins to cry as the mother bends down to the child.

“Stupid girl, where is your fucking Jesus Christ now? For a god so loving and protective, he obviously did not protect your sister,” the mother states.

“He’s with me like it says.” The child states.

The mother laughs.

“Really, your sister is dead now because of you. Live with that Bastard,” the mother states.

“But why did you do this?” the child cries.

“Because bastard children like you don’t deserve a Christmas. We told you not to tell anyone what we are doing and you wrote a letter to Santa.”

“But its Santa” The child states.

“Now when you are grown, you will remember that red is your sister’s blood. You will live with this day forever. No one will love you because they will know that because you wrote Santa your sister was killed.”

The mother grabbed the bag and leaves the house. The blood was still on the child’s hand. In that moment the reality sat in. To speak to anyone that was going to cause death. The child cries.

“I am sorry sister, so sorry.”

The child runs into the closet and begins to pray. She prayed for forgiveness that her sister died due to her sending a letter to Santa Claus.

There are terrors beneath the surface that some children face and we never know about. Things that go bump in the night and that we know exist however to look at would only destabilize our perceptions of what normal people do. Rojo the color of blood stains the child’s soul. This imprint makes her determined to protect all children when she grows up. That is if she survives. Dear sweet lord, let me live so that as an adult my words will reach the lives of others. Let me live so that when I love hatred is erased.

APARTMENT FIRE: JANUARY 29^th, 2012:
In the weeks following Christmas, Danielle grew distant from me. There was no rhyme or reason. Everything went cold turkey and no communication explaining the distance. Danielle began not answering my wake up calls and would text that she was busy. I grew concerned because she was my fiancée and love of my life. It was not like Danielle to not communicate. She always said what was on her mind. When I did reach her in the wake up calls I asked if she wanted to continue waking her in the morning. She still wanted me call her everyday to wake her up so that she wouldn’t be late for work. It was confusing because she would skip my calls. One day I skipped calling her due to my own job and was blamed for her tardiness to work. I never skipped a day thereafter. Our conversations were a mere five minutes at best. Danielle would tell me,

“I ‘m working a lot of overtime honey so that we can have a house together. I love you.”

The one day that we were to meet for breakfast, Danielle told me she had to work. A few hours later a friend had informed me that Danielle was home and there was another car there and I should question why Danielle lied about being home and having a visitor over when I was her fiancée. I blew this off as Danielle needing space. In the future I would find out who was really there.

During this time I had released an e book on Amazon Kindle Store, called Fireseeds: Black Panther Rising. I even created a character after Danielle’s strength that I referred to as a dragon. In the book, the dragon became one of the main characters. The original plotline didn’t have a love story. I rewrote the entire book to include a powerful love story that reflected our love story in real life. The book became an international best seller. I thought of course it would. Love conquers all.

One morning towards the end of January, Danielle told me,

“We need to have a grown up talk!”

My heart sank to the very bottom of my stomach. Briefly the thought of the other car came into my mind. What was going on? What did Danielle mean by this statement? A part me knew that she wanted to leave yet I couldn’t accept that reality. If Danielle wanted to leave then why did she have all the mystery? Why all the cloak and dagger? Why did she continue to wear our engagement rings? Why all the words that she still loved me?

“What do you mean, Danielle?” I asked.

“I love you however I feel that I don’t give you enough,” Danielle responded sadly.

“You do. I told you that I am always here. Whether you give me five minutes or five seconds, we are together and we can do anything,” I responded despondently.

“Yes and I love you so much. I need to see you, be with you. Let’s have a quiet dinner together and spend time with each other.” She responded. I agreed happily.

We decided on a time to meet on January 29, 2012 and have dinner at her place to discuss everything. We were going to have an intimate evening together. I rearranged my entire work schedule and threatened to quit if my job did not let me have off. My job agreed to my request. The evening came and Danielle cancelled the evening with us because she had forgotten.

Fate was about to change things and I would experience moment that be the start of me remembering all of my past. That night I decided to drink in my apartment. I had two bottles of red merlot. I passed out. I woke up to an alarm going off. It was so loud yet I was very disorientated because I was hung over. Just a few hours prior I had consumed two bottles of red merlot. I was depressed over the events of the evening that had just transpired with Danielle and me. The fact that she wanted to have a conversation with me, a private intimate dinner and then Danielle cancelled because she forgot. I used the alcohol to avoid my pain.

I was supposed to meet Danielle at her house that night for what she called a grown up talk. However she mysteriously forgotten that Sunday night was family dinner and she refused to have me over. I thought that it was odd since she said I was family.

“Do you want me to come over and just chill with you. I did get the evening off just for you, Danielle,” I asked.

“No, we will meet Tuesday night. Bye, “Danielle stated hanging up the phone.

A deep rooted sadness began to overcome my soul. Here the woman I loved that said I was family didn’t want me around her or her family. I was being rejected. Danielle was abandoning me without telling me why. I could not comprehend the reason why. I had gone to the Golden Dragon restaurant earlier in the evening and met with a supposed friend, Ronna. Ronna was my ex roommate and someone that I didn’t like to deal with. However, in the moment any company including that of a snake was better than none.

Ronna told me that she had a bad feeling if I stayed the night at my apartment. I said that I needed to process.

“No you just want to be alone, sad, and drink. I’m telling you,

this woman is breaking you. She is just using you.”

I looked at Rona with disgust. This was my time to have true love. I was not going to have someone take it away from me.

“No, she loves me. She took my rings, and the car. She said that I am her soul mate. She promised that she would never do that.” I stated.

Rona looked at me,

“Not everyone is as honorable as you. You are so naive. People are still evil. Please stay the night at my house. I least I can be there for you when you drink. You know how sometimes you get sad when you drink.”

I ignored Rona and went home.

The alarm was still going off. I woke up and I could hardly breathe or see. Smoke had filled the apartment. The alarm was in fact the smoke alarm. I was hung over and disorientated. All I could remember was what the hell caught fire. I stumbled into the kitchen and flames had engulfed the pantry. My immediate reaction was,

“OMG where is my cat…SKY…SKY,”

I called out and he did not come. I had to find my cat. I began panicking and where was Sky? He is my cat. I made it to the front door and the maintenance man was there.

“OMG you are alive. Your apartment is on fire. You have to leave.” He said.

“My cat, my cat” I repeated.

“Ma’am your cat is most likely dead. You have to leave.”

“Fuck you. I will find him,” I said slamming the door to my apartment, going into the dining room.

The smoke was heavier in the dining room. It was thick as I could barely breathe. It suddenly hit me as I looked around seeing all the flames. I was not going to make it out alive. I knew at this moment, I was going to die. I remember laughing because I survived my mother to be bested by a fire. How appropriate that I should go out like this.

I reached for my cell phone and called Danielle. She did not answer and I left a message.

“Danielle, I want you to know that I love. My apartment is on fire and I am in the kitchen. I am trapped and cannot see my way out. I don’t think I am going to make it out alive. Realize that you are the love of my life and thank you for your love.” I hung up. She never did call back.

There were people outside trying to break in the apartment screaming

“Ma’am come back to the door.”

I remember someone shouting outside the door.

“She will die,”

I staggered from the dining room into the kitchen. The flames were huge. The washer had caught fire. The heat was as intense as the smoke filled my lungs. I thought about Danielle. She did not answer her phone or my text. Why? I thought about how I was not invited to her family dinner and that we were to meet on Tuesday to have a grown up talk. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She was going to give up on our relationship because she told me that she had felt she was not enough for me. I didn’t want to bear this sadness. The smoke fills my lungs as I collapse to the floor,

“Forgive me for not making it out alive,” I started to cry.

They always say your life flashes in front of you prior to death. I fell to the floor due to the smoke inhalation. Suddenly I began see images of when I was child, the days of college, my old friends who never made it to my age due to death or suicide. I saw images of when I first moved to Texas. A chill filled the apartment. It was odd since there was a fire. I felt something in the apartment. It was a presence like a ghost. I look up, and there was a light. A figure appeared before me. It was a child. Oh sweet Lord Jesus. It was Sarah, my murdered sister. That was impossible, I thought. I saw Sarah’s head in my hands when I was a child. Jesus Christ, I had received her head as a Christmas present from Santa Claus. I fear Santa Claus to this day because of that incident. I thought how strange that I should die and Sarah helps me to cross over.

“Sarah, you’re dead? I couldn’t stand up and you died. Forgive me,” I said.

Sarah had not aged past ten years. She smiled and looked at me,

“They killed me not you.”

I start to cry.

“Because I couldn’t stand and then I wrote the letter to Santa”

Sarah gets on her knees next to me.

“Because they broke your back, sister. The letter to Santa was just an excuse to give you my head. Mom always played with our minds. You know that. I know you tried to save me and I love you for that. Kat, please forgive yourself,” Sarah said.

I started to stand but then I thought of Danielle.

“Danielle is going to leave because I failed her. I wasn’t strong enough for her. She could not handle what I went through,” I said.

“Kat, you promised me and the other children that you

would live to tell our Story so no one will ever forget, you promised me. Remember the dandelion” Sarah said.

“But Danielle,” I cried.

“Honor begets honor. Soon you will see why Danielle is not what she promises. She has a dark soul. KAT, STAND UP. YOU MUST LIVE. You promised me, and you always keep your promises,” Sarah stated.

“Why?” I gasped.

“KAT STAND UP. YOU PROMISED ME. Besides there is a family that will need you. NOW STAND UP!” Sarah yells.

Suddenly I stand up, grabbed water and started pouring it on the fire. I

do not know where my strength came from. The fire starts to diminish. I manage to walk to the front door, opening it. There is a fireman with an ax who grabbed me. The other firefighter went for my cat. He knew where my cat was, hiding in the hallway closet.

I can’t help but think that Sara’s spirit was actually there with me in that fire. I remember Sarah fighting for me to stand up. I once did the same thing for her. I remember Sarah telling me and reminding me of my promise. What is this family that Sarah was talking about that needed me? I knew as well as Sara that if I thought there was someone that needed my help I would stand up. It wasn’t my time to die. I would not understand why Sarah would say honor would begat honor. I would not understand why Sarah would say that Danielle was not what she promises.

Danielle should have called to see if I was okay. Danielle never called me. When I had asked her in the following days about why she did not call me back, Danielle said,

“I fell asleep,”

“But you didn’t even call me when you woke,”

“You are alive right,” She said.

My friends were disturbed by that fact that I tried to excuse Danielle not calling me. When Danielle and I would meet for that the grown talk Danielle said,

“I felt guilty because I thought I wanted to burn our relationship out

Of my mind. Perhaps my energy caused that fire.”

This was an omen of things to come.