A single year

March 4, 1988
Loving unconditionally is much harder to do than I thought. I set out to tell someone dear to me that I loved her.
I just wanted her to know my love had not gone away. It is important for me to tell her my love is forever. A father can never put aside the love he feels for a daughter.
Quite naturally what I wrote her had to include a reminder, a reminder that she had hurt me so very much. This reminder did not take into account she was also hurting, O yes, what I wrote her was that I loved her.
The bottom line is I could not mail this to her.
You understand don't you, I am still hurting so much I still had to let her know she had caused me pain, and I still did not want to acknowledge her pain. No indeed I wanted her to know I loved her very much, I loved her so much I wanted her to feel my pain.
I am glad I did not mail this letter, I'll write her again, this time I'll just let her know I love her very much, this time I'll ask her if she needs anything at all, this time I'll let her know she's ok and doing fine, this time, I'm going to love her unconditionally.


March 5, 1988
Oh God, my God, loving creator of all that is, was, and will be, Glorious King of all creation, Wondrous Majesty, our Father, I come to you on bended knee, anyway I can get to you, I will come. Come to you to sing of your love, to tell of your mercy, I come to you as an unworthy and worthless servant.
I come to you knowing my love for you will be accepted.
Mighty Father, Son, and Spirit on this time I sing your praise, this moment is mine to speak of my love for you.
How I wish that all my moments were spent in praise of you, this moment is what I have right now and I offer it to you, a moment in the eternity of time, an instant soon past, this moment not even as big as a sand pebble in a desert, this moment I give to you my unconditional love,
Any gift is important and special, even this small gift of mine my love originates and finds it worth only in its beginning, that beginning was a gift of love from you that dwells in me, your love is as endless as the stars in the sky.
Your love that dwells within me! And is the source of my love, is the love I now so humbly return to you my Creator God, because of you this gift I give is of endless and worthy praise.
Offer this gift not because of any one special reason. I know of no great miracles that have happened to me this day of course I probably simply have not looked to see them, just got tired of so often complaining and begging. Wanted you to know I have not forgotten who I love. Wanted you to know I have not lost sight of who loves me, I just wanted to offer you one moment or praise and love.
So Lord, I say again, as loud and as strong as I can, loving Lord Creator God, Son, and Spirit One, I praise you!
I worship you, oh glorious and mighty Father, oh Miracle Maker, King of Kings, Maker of all that is, Source of Love, I praise your strong heart and I give glory to your name, you are indeed the Lord God Almighty, oh Giver of all Life!


March 6, 1988
What kind of eyes do you look through?

What kind of world do you live in?

What kind of person have you become?

What kind of feelings do you feel?

What kind of love do you have to give?
The eyes I received at birth opened wide in wonderment to see a world of love, caring hope, and happiness. These same eyes began to see things were not always good then these eyes began to look in distrust and anger, finally these eyes were able only to look and not see.
The world I was born into was warm, friendly or so it seemed. I grew up in a world that fostered dreams and hopes, then I began to live in a world of unreal reality, in this reality I began to flounder and lose my way, the world I now live in is sadly real, and very demanding.
The person I wanted to be is not the person I am.

You see, I wanted to be a caring, loving, honest being, someone who reached out and loved his neighbor, someone who provided for the needs of his family. The person I am is just barely surviving, not really alive.

The feelings I feel, are of pain and anguish,

I feel the hurt of rejection and not being wanted,

I feel uneasy and angry at who I have become,

I feel I must have done so many things wrong to cause these feelings, I feel I would do anything for one more chance to be.

The love I have to give now is still one of caring, sharing.

The love I have to give now is an angry demanding love, the love I want to be able to give is undemanding and free.

The love I will give is myself with all my faults, and yes, talents, the love I hope to soon give is the love of a man - a man who has come to accept his good along with his bad.
I want my eyes to see again„ not just look.

I want my world to be a world of dreams and of life. My person will be a real person living, trying, being, my feelings will be full of today's goodness.

My love will be a mature love, understanding and not demanding.
I do not have the ability by myself to change what is today,

The one who created me in his image and love will do this for me, this loving creator God will not desert me in my time of trial. My loving God will give me the strength and ability to change, so that I might be the person with eyes that see.

A person who looks through loving eyes and feels good.
A person who feels good and lives in a world where God dwells, where God dwells there is love and so I will be a man of love.
March 7, 1988
Give us the added strength we now must have.

Send us an angel, an angel like Raphael, Gabriel and Michael and who do I expect to answer this plea, who has this power, there is only one, the one God I pray to is God of all, and so in confidence I come to you with this prayerful plea, Lord God heavenly and earthly king whom I adore with all I am, loving creator God, son Jesus, and Holy Spirit all in one, source of all peace and love, wonder of wonders, my God.

You who have answered me and nourished me in ways I do not know, there is no way I deserve to have you grant any wish I make. I have done so countless wrong, unjust and unloving things, my only hope and it is the hope I cling so very tightly to, my hope is in the limitless depths of the eternal lasting love-that I your most sacred heart, this love is who I know you to be, this all powerful all consuming love is what I know as God. This real love that I know as God could never turn away from - an unworthy and worthless servant such as I am.
It is in this love that I refuse to give up or stop believing, what it is I am believing is that, you, my God, want me, you my God, want me to serve you in a specific pastoral way, and so I beg you send me the strength of an angel, any angel, not just one of the three I asked for, but any of your angels, oh Lord my God please hear and answer my prayer.
Please find us a place to minister for you,

Please find us a way to earn our daily living as your servants,

Please Lord God, do it today, this moment for our need is now.

Know this Lord God, if you choose not to allow this now, well, tell Mr. Satan to hang in there, you' re still our God, we are still your people, we are an expectant people.

We will be a fulfilled people for you are the Lord God almighty.
Another publisher turned my book down this day. They said poetry does not sell and it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if what I wrote has meaning or is valuable, you see what matters is how much money it would bring in, the interesting thing is how do you know if it would sell, it seems the best way with any book would be to publish it, let the public decide if they would buy and read it.
Tonight there is a life in the spirit seminar at church, this is the fourth week and tonight people will receive, what they receive depends a great deal on the individual, some will not receive anything, some will think they received-anything from the Holy Spirit to the gift of healing, some will claim to receive the gift of tongues. I hope I just end up feeling closer to my God for a moment.
Well that's all folks, that is all I can think of.

The only thing left for me to write is of God's love for me.

It seems I write of that quite often to the point of redundancy, yet I tell you it is true, God does love me and my family, my wife and I talked to God this day and seemed to find hope, we are praying that God will look past our many sins.
We need to feel God's love for us in a most special and unique way, we still believe that the miracle we seek is getting close, we just need the strength to hold on until God is ready.

March 8, 1988
I simply have no knowledge of what I should write this day,

I have the desire and the urge to write just as I have before, I have tried several different topics and nothing feels right, so I am just pushing keys on the keyboard and hoping, what am I hoping to write this day, what should I hope for? Questions I have no answer for and yet I am still writing. I guess I am thinking that if I remain firm in my resolve, my Lord will see this firmness and take hold of me.

Then maybe what I write will have some meaning for you and me.
Today is a primary election day and people are not voting.

So what is new about that? Not much except we are surprised, usually it is taken for granted that people refuse to vote, this day there was a number of candidates. More than normal, it seems not one of them could turn out the vote.

I guess it is one of those sad but true facts of life, even when we have free will we do not seem to want or appreciate it.
A man resigned his position this day because he wasn't, what he wasn't was what he seemed to be or supposedly was. He did not have the paper that he said he had. The formal paper, we still do not know if he could do the job he was hired to do, and you know that doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

The fact that he lied to obtain this job isn't even what matters, what seems to matter is that he did not possess the right paper.

March 9, 1988
I was prayed over last night by believing people.
They not only prayed for me to receive the Holy Spirit, these beautiful believers were certain I would receive him. My eyes were closed tightly as I stood in God's presence, my thoughts were only an opening of myself to my Lord, no other thoughts were allowed to intrude upon my being. I began to pray aloud with these people, praising God, this praise was honest and deep and pure and most special. My body began to become weak, my legs were like rubber.
I was conscious of what was happening, yet I yearned for my God. I yearned so hard for my God I began to surrender my will, at first I was afraid and then God came into my being. Peace began to overwhelm my being and I was aware of God, and then, I heard a voice, insistent, speaking to me in a special moment I was wide awake and aware.
What I was aware of was the interruption of my soul.
I was aware my moment of special unity with my God had passed. Not because I was ready for it to pass, but because - I had been brought back to the physical presence of his people, this voice kept asking if I had received the gift of tongues. I said no but that I was open to any gift God gave me. Then I was instructed to practice speaking at home, this would help me realize the gift of tongues.
I wanted to shout to them, these beautiful God people. Please continue praying with me and for me, please continue to pray.
But it was time for the next person and I was almost angry. I felt they did not have time to really pray with me.
My wife instructed me they didn't know what was happening to me. They gave me their best and loved me as best they could. In retrospect I am most grateful for these God people, they stood firm with me in their love for their God.
And what they did worked because I still burn.
The memory of that special moment was an important sign more than sign it was a gracious gift of love from God. A gift I would not have been open to had it not been for them.


March 10, 1988
I started not to receive my Lord and God this day.
Can you imagine deliberately stopping yourself from - the reception of your God. It is an unthinkable thing, yet I almost did not go forward receive the Eucharist. Understand it was not because I did not want or desire my God, indeed I desire God to be present in me in every fashion. I know God is physically present in the Eucharist.
God is present there as in no other possible way. It is in the Eucharist that God the Father, Son and Spirit form the most perfect union with their people becoming one.
I have been having such a difficult time in my life. I am as open as I know how to my God and his word. Whatever it is God wants me to do and be is fine. Even while saying that I acknowledge that all my God asks of any of us is to accept his everlasting love. Once this love has been accepted we are free to be, free to be that which we would like to be, God's person.
It seemed the more open I was to God's word, the more rebuked I was in this very word. A caring God person told me in clear terms - it was not God's word that was rebuking my spirit, the evil angel can see just how close I am to my God. The evil angel can see how precious and valuable to God I am, because of this the evil one has intensified his efforts - his efforts to frustrate and turn me away from who and what I am.
The incredible strength of God which I know as grace, grace has been given me to enable me to resist. And Lord, I am resisting, I am clinging even tighter to you. I am resisting so hard Lord, I am resisting even your love. But it is ok because I know you will give me what I need. You will never turn away from me ever and I am firm.
As I said earlier I almost did not receive you this morning, not because I do not want you, I yearn and burn for you. I with the evil one's help, thought I was getting to close to you. Perhaps I was too familiar. You are my friend as well as my God, perhaps I was not showing you enough respect, homage. If I did not receive you I would be showing homage, you see I would be admitting I am not worthy of your love.
I received you this morning and I will receive you any time I can. I need your love and strength and the Eucharist-my support, there is nothing wrong with your being my friend. I rejoice in your friendship and I adore you oh God.
The devil got to me this morning and played heavily on my fear. My Lord and God got to me this morning and renewed me. My Lord and my God renewed me with all the love I need.
Now Lord you know me and you know my weaknesses, you know of my fears, failings and many faults. So it will not come as any shock to you if I stumble.

On my part I resolve to remain firm in my compete trust in you, as an outward sign of this resolve. I started to promise that I would continue to receive the Eucharist daily, the truth is I could not stay away from the Eucharist even should I try so foolish as to try to do so.

I guess you know that I have long since chosen to follow you. The strange, to me anyway, thing is I am happy in my choice. Once in a while, more often than I like, the devil slows me. Each time I cling a little tighter to you my Lord. Each time you seem to refuse to let me go away, and that is my continuing prayer and only prayer.
Please do not turn me loose, hold me tight   for without you oh God, I am lost!


March 11, 1988
Who are you and I to question the Lord God?
Do we know the answer before the question is asked?

Did you or I ever create anything by ourselves?

What can either of us do completely by our self?

Is not everything that is, ever was, or ever will be, that which the almighty God of creation has willed to be?

It seems to me that you and I do have a right to question our God. Indeed I think God wants this from us and is pleased by it. You see God created us to be free and to choose our own way. God does not predestine our future or limit free will. But it is important to remember that if, we do question God, then we must expect our God to answer us, and, answer us God will. Perhaps not as we expect, in fact God's answer may not even be very desirable to us. God's answer will always be centered in love for   God is love and love is unlimiting and unlimited and so good. While God's answer never causes pain, turmoil, and suffering, quite often all these things happen and we blame God. Most of the time they happen because God's answer   is most usually not what we expect and easily misunderstood.
As far as if we ever know the answer before the question, well yes, quite often we do know what the answer is. Sometimes that is why we are so upset when the answer finally is so obvious that we have no choice but to accept. Often we know the answer because of the unspoken question. Sometimes the unspoken part of the question is the problem. Sometimes speaking it brings more pain than we are ready for, so we leave it unspoken and suffer the less painful answer.
I think you and I have created something of our own. What I think that thing is cannot exactly be pinpointed. The closest I can come to verbalizing it is, anxiety. God who created everything created man's mind to be free. In man's free mind, out of man's free will, came anxiety. I think man had such difficulty living in the acceptance of love, that anxiety, turmoil, and pain became part of his being. It is now that man is seeking God that these aren't acceptable.
Can you or I do anything by our self ever? Given free will it would seem so, it seems probable. Then just what is it we could do that would be from us solely. There the rub is, because you see everything is of God. The only thing we can do by our self is to make the choice, even then we are helped in making that choice. God gives us grace, which is strength, to aid us. The evil one feeds our needs to help us wrongly choose, but God and the evil one are not the same.
You see God dwells within each of us all the time. God is there even when we choose poorly, wrongly. If we but seek God's help and open ourselves to God, God's answers to our pleas will become evident, believe it or not our choice will become clear. The important thing here is to choose to listen and accept. To listen and accept the wisdom of the loving Lord creator God.
Ultimately all things pertaining to man are of and from God.
Man is God's earthly explosion of love. God's chosen. God himself dwells in his fullness in all humanity always; there is no person that God does not dwell within. Man lives on the brink of choosing to be one with God. A tremendous explosion of love is when man unites with God. Tremendous pain, suffering, darkness is man aside from God. God accepts man as man is and that is imperfect, struggling. God knows that man always has the ability to choose God. That is why God gave man free will, it's never too late for man, to choose to listen, love and accept Gods eternally powerful love. Amen.

March 12, 1988
A lady called and set up an appointment with me for me to do her income taxes. What I found gave me great food for thought.
I have been complaining a lot recently that my life was hard, difficult, and I was feeling a failure. The reality of my situation is I have a wife who has loved me for twenty three years. I have been given three daughters who likewise love me. I have many talents, so many sometimes I misuse some of them.
Most important of all, my God has remained my lover and even though I complain too much, my God has not deserted me. I too have been faithful to my God, and most of the time I have been faithful to my God's love for me.
My life, though difficult is not so bad. There are wonderful moments. There would be more if I could allow myself to accept them when they happen.
This family had two sons living at home. One son was severely retarded. This son was very handicapped and would be all his earthly life. The father of this family worked on a boat as a fishing man, much like Peter the follower of Jesus our God. He recently had an accident. He was hit by a huge fishing hook and suffered a severe blow to his head. His doctor told him he has a blood clot in his head and should not continue to work. This man had no hospitalization, no health insurance and seems to have had no workman's compensation, he continues to work.
His wife handles their money affairs. She is a woman who got married at thirteen. She has limited, very limited education. This is a Hispanic family. She did not know how to budget their money. They owe the internal revenue service about $48,500 in back taxes for 1981, 1982, 1983, and 1984.
They have not filed their income tax return for 1985, 1986, and 1987. They will probably owe $15,000 to $25,000 for those three years.
They have $2,000 to their name. They also own a small lot in Texas worth about $6,500. The IRS has attached this lot.
I told these people I would prepare their tax returns and try to help them. I am charging them for my service and that is bothering me. I know I need the money and I know that because they mean something to me, because I love them, I will do my best for them. Not too many other people would even consider taking them on.
I got the name of a good lawyer from my pastor for them. Maybe that will help. It would seem they have a good case against the boat owner that the father was employed on when he was hit by the hook.
I know someone always has it worse than you.
I wish there was more I could do. I pray to you Father God, please help me do them a good service and not let me be unjust in my charges. Help these people my Lord. They are your children and their brothers and sisters in Christ would seem to be stepping on them.
I love you Lord God and I thank you for all you have given me.
March 13, 1988
Dreams are wonderful things that can lift you far from reality. So often recently I have felt that I might have lost my gift. This gift which I feared lost was the gift to be able to dream. Today I dreamed many wonderful dreams and my spirit was lifted. Reality comes crashing in no matter how much I dream to escape. I don't think I really always dream to escape reality. I know sometimes I dream just to feel good about who I am, sometimes it is good not to have to deal with yourself. After all there are so many who deal with you in reality, sometimes it is necessary to dream about who you'd like to be.
If you never consider who you'd like to be, you might never risk, what it is you might never risk is change. Without change   a person becomes stale and stagnated, swallowed by who you've become. Sometimes who you've become is far from who you want to be. I do not live in a dream world. I live in reality with people.
Dreams help me to live in the real world as a real person. A real person is not afraid to dream and then to try to live. A real person doesn't dream to live but lives with dreams. It pleases me I can still dream because dreams remind me that I am a real person with hopes, fears, and talents. Dreams remind me I am a young person not afraid of new ideas. Dreams inspire me to believe in myself and my future, and I know I have a future. Recently I have not been so sure. My dream today helped life seep back into my being. My dream today helped lift me from the doldrums of depression. I am reminded that all dreams, all hope, all good, comes from the one who was the first and the greatest of dreamers. That who I am speaking of is my Lord God, my loving creator, and I am grateful for these dreams Lord God.


March 14, 1988
Patience is truly a great gift.
It is not a gift I enjoy or have much of.
Today my ten year old daughter first asked her mother for help. My wife is blessed with tons of patience.
In about ten minutes my wife was yelling at our daughter. Now, being the sort of laid back dad I am, I interfered, calm down I said to my wife, be patient and understanding, my wife uttered a few choice words my direction.
Later I took everyone out to a movie to calm things down, when we returned, being the all knowing father, I decided that I would patiently help my daughter with the problem, barely fifteen minutes had passed before I wadded her paper into a small but compact wad and threw it away at the same time I, with a slightly raised voice, let my daughter know in no uncertain terms, she could take a zero or find a way to do it by herself.
I would think you'd be wondering what kind of homework she had, please control yourself and try not to laugh too very hard, the thing that was giving us so much trouble, simple fractions. That's not really what was causing the problem.
The problem was we were not getting down to her level, we were trying to make our daughter do it our way.
Of course, our daughter, being our daughter had her own way, after we finished yelling of course we figured this out.
My wife and I sat down with our daughter and in thirty minutes - well you know, it went rather well, all done, no problems, no yelling, no screaming and temper tantrums, just love. At the end our daughter said thank you and my wife and I we kissed her and said thank you for being patient with us.