A single year

June 30, 1988
Hello Lord, It's me John.
What a day. I thought it went well. I thought Father responded well to my ideas. I thought you really worked hard this day and it is not over yet.
Tonight a man who has connections with a part of the past that was most unpleasant for us is coming to my house. Linda doesn't think it will matter. O God, I hope not.
Please be with me and put the right words in my mouth so that I might say and do what I should say and do. Continue to use me and stand firm with me.
I am still most afraid and probably will be for some time. We all know why.
I want to start' the book you and I have talked about. I think I can write it so that you, O Lord, will be pleased. It will turn out so much better if you will hold me in your hand and I can become your pencil.
Thank you for all you have given me. I love you…
July 1, 1988
Today is the 183rd day or the exact half way point in this year. It is an important day for me because I have written now every day for one half of a year. I really want to make it all the way, the whole year. I have a book, Lord. the one we've talked about to do this year. I hope it is your will for me to have it finished by your birthday.
Jamie and I played together today basketball and I don't know which of us enjoyed it more, me or her. It was a gift from you and I thank you, Jesus for it.
Praise you O God for looking after your children.

Praise you O God for being your children's God.

Praise you O God for being the whole and all of love.

Praise you O God just because I feel like worshiping you.

Praise you O God because you have not abandoned me.

Praise you O God because you are the creator.

Praise you O God because I am glad you created me.

Praise you God because I am glad you are my loving Lord God!

July 2, 1988
Well, what a week I don't know how did. At times am sure I did the best I could. Then a think I went too fast. Then I think that what I did this week was dictated in part by the circumstance of Father Ed being gone next week.
Father Ed Schlitter seems to be upfront and honest. He also seems to jump at the smallest of things, not unlike unfortunately me.
I spent more time with him talking in-depth than with all the previous pastors I have tried to serve. That has to count for something.
Most of the time I think I can do what he wants me to do. There has not been a day yet I have not doubted my ability or my ability to survive. I almost expect to fail or at least be rejected. I know that is wrong.
Where is my faith and trust in God?
God did not bring me this far to abandon me. Of that, I am more positive of than any other thing in my life. I am my God's arms and he will not turn me loose. I am so scared of failing. As scared as I am, I will not doubt my God, my faith is strong. My prayer remains unchanged---Lord, please do not turn me loose, hold on to me, and do with me whatever you want. I am your servant.
It is in my faith I know my salvation lies.
I have this book to write and I want to write it just right. Lord God let me be your pencil.
Today is my Nikki's 20th birthday. We called her and talked with her for a while. She sounded ok> Because of her hearing, because of the fact she was probably coming from a shower, she at first did not recognize her mother's voice. No matter why, Linda is little down. Lift her up and let this child's birthday become Linda's happiness.
Take care of our Nikki, let her know of your love.
I think, Lord, Linda and I are now aware that we did not create Nikki. She is your creation as is all things, especially our daughters. We were just your tools for her creation. To be allowed to be the means by which you create is the great gift. Thank you Lord for this gift. Thank you Lord for Nikki and all our daughters.
,

July 3, 1988
One moment you have a wife that you have loved for most of your life. You are partners with a human being in every way. Ways in which you had not imagined possible. Together with this person in a mysterious happening, that try as you might, you have never understood. You became father and mother of human life. Over half of your human life has been spent loving and being loved and in love with this person. You have looked forward to in love, in unreal belief; in hope, in anger, to spend the rest of your mortal life with this person. Together you have: made plans for things which seem so pointless now and which you gave so much importance to then. Now, not just this person but the lives entrusted to your care, the children the two of you became parents of, all gone. No more to be.
My wife, Linda and my daughters are fine at least as far as I know.
Here in Defiance a 16 year old girl was driving a car that included her 34 year old mother, 13 year old brother, and a neighbor child. Her car went over on the wrong side of the highway and struck, or was struck, by a very large 18 wheel truck. One moment they were alive and well, one moment dead.
The funeral is to be held tomorrow in our parish at 10 am.
Anyone who is a parent knows this family. Anyone who is a husband or wife knows this family. Anyone who is a child old enough to reason knows this family.
There are those times in our lives when things become crystal clear and exact. This is such a time. What is crystal clear right now in my life is the importance and value of life. What is crystal clear in my life right now is the importance and value of my wife and my daughters and my family.
What is crystal clear in my life this moment is the awesome power of my God who alone gives life or in this seemingly tragic situation, decided to allow human life as we know it to terminate.
This is tragic and unfathomable because no one of us humans can begin to understand just any part of the how and why of God. This is so very tragic because of the inability of man to know. Man does not know why and not knowing why is what causes man pain. Because man has been given by God the ability to understand, man seeks to understand why. Man will never know why when the why is supplied by God.
There is only one thing that man can ever understand about God. It is a simple thing that is completely inundated by not knowing why at a time like this. That simple thing is even harder for man to accept because of times like this. What that thing is, is that God is totally and completely love. There is only one thing in all of everything that God cannot do. Yes, there is one thing God cannot not do. Some might think it is putting limitations onto God, it is not. It simply is understanding an unalterable fact, God can do nothing that is not love.
The only answer to this time is that God, and God loves all life. God would not have allowed any life if God did not want that life to be. There is no point questioning the why of this because we are not able to understand why. There is only one answer, God has the answer. These lives had completed their earthly assignment, not as we expected them to, but as God had destined for them. Now God loved them so much, God has called them to live in a more complete way with him.
Not very satisfactory. Should be, but it isn't.
This just isn't a very satisfying time.

John

July 4, 1988
There is only one thing that all humanity shares absolutely in common. Strangely enough it is the one thing that would allow for the survival of humanity. Humanity has set this thing aside and it does not seem to be a thing of great value to humanity as a whole. Now, there are individuals who incorporate this thing on occasion into their life. It could even be said that all humanity at some point makes use of this thing- I have never met anyone who lived all their life in whole with this free thing.
Arguments are made that God is the only absolute to humanity. God is and God is not. Humanity has chosen to honor many gods so that the one God has been relegated to equal status by much of humanity.
Breathing air is said to be absolutely necessary to all of humanity. It is and, it is not. It is because air is necessary to sustain life as we know it. It is not for without this other thing there would be no life to breathe air.
Life is absolute to all humanity. Ha! Humanity disposes of life so easily it would seem life is just a commodity to be bought and sold at the pleasure of mankind.
No, there is only one absolute to all humanity.
Love.
If God were not love, all consuming, all powerful, and all caring love, certainly God would have destroyed all life long ago. If God does not out of love create life, what need of air would there be?
There is one absolute for man and that absolute is love and love is the awesome name of our creator. God is love. It is only in and through the eternal love of God that humanity is.
Love is all things to all humanity. Love is more than. Love is forever and unconditional. Love is hope and more than realization. Love is life. Love is always reaching out> Love is never silent. Love is, and, God is perfect love.

July 5, 1988
One day at a time, never letting your guard down, always expecting the unexpected, seemingly unlikely, knowing that tomorrow could bring rejection once again. And yet, going on with the conviction that God is with you, doing the best each moment of each hour of each day, accepting that you are capable and doing all you can, each day swings more assurance that you're ok.

But still;

because of where you have been and what has happened, not wanting to be caught unawares, means living in concern. It means being uncertain of everything you do, being afraid for one moment to let your guard down.

I do not like being this way.

I understand why I am this way.

I am trying to change, to relax.

It is not working, yet I have faith.

The faith I have is getting stronger each moment. The faith I have is more strong than my fears. The faith I have is my only hope and is more than faith.

You see,

this faith is more than blind trust because it a faith that has been proven beyond doubt.

It is the knowledge that I am loved forever by Jesus. It is my only strength and it is enough. Because the love of Jesus for me is limitless and eternal.

How I thank you God for this love.

John

July 6, 1988
One hundred thousand miles a minute, red lights be damned, no word for caution, full speed ahead, heading for a quick stop. Trying to understand and pace myself, yet feel like a runaway freight train. Have no choice but to slow things down. Simply impossible to do anything else. If others cannot understand this need, not my fault, not my concern. Nothing else to do, I need to set priorities even at the risk of failure. First priority can be nothing more or less than to give myself the chance to do and be. What it is I need to do and be is simple and so hard. Do and be myself the person my God created. That person lives in love for God, himself, family. That person lives in love for all mankind. That person is a really nice man who is gifted. That person is who I am and it is time to remember just that.
I love you my God and I am here, your son –
John

July 7, 1988
So what use is it for me to try, Lord?

Even when I know what I am doing is so wrong.

Still deliberately hurt the most important people. They will always remember when I acted like an ass. Even if they forgave me, I don't know if they really will, I will never forgive myself. I promised myself I would never act this way again.
What good is my promise, Lord? I am so afraid of failing; I have failed. When you become so afraid of failing - that this fear overrides who you are; well, you are me, and I am a failure.
I would rather not succeed at anything; Lord, than be who I was this night with my family. Where is my strength, my hope, my being? Did you turn me loose, Lord; for a second?
I begged you not to turn me loose, Lord; I have begged you to hold me close.
Please Lord, did you think I could stand on my own?

I cannot. I cannot. I need you so much.

Heal my family and let them know I love them so.

I beg you Lord Jesus, just do it for me.

I beg you, please!

July 8, 1988
Who am I Lord to question my worth? It is true at times the way I ac is not worthy of the most worthless of your creations, but there it is, in plain spoken truth. Your creations do not number among them a worthless one. You could not create anything that was worthless. It is not a part of the loving Lord Creator God - to create anything that is not filled with love. Where there is love there is the Lord God, in every creation dwells the Lord God. Even in me there is love and so God dwells in me.
So why then do I act in such a humiliatingly worthless way? I clearly know what I have done is not just wrong, and it usually is more than wrong. I also know why I do these insane things. It would seem I could then avoid doing them because – I would give my life not to do them before and again. Above all else I value the Creator's gift of my life. My wife says I have really grown and changed, the more I change the more I need to change.
I am not a violent anymore, no, I am worse. I verbally abuse and words never ever forever go away. My wife says I do not do this very often, in fact seldom. If I do it at all it is too much!
Lord I must change and I do not have the power to change. You Lord, you alone can change me.
Please do it now Lord. I am open to your will. I am so afraid. Yes really afraid, not of losing my job, that is what I first thought I was afraid of. That is what I have blamed this recent ugliness on, and Lord, that is a lie.
I am afraid of becoming a lousy Father and husband. I so do not want to fail my wife and daughters. I am afraid Lord, you will not stand firm with me. What little faith I seem to possess. How is it you still manage to stand and hold me dear Lord? I heard you, Lord, say just now to me, John, you are my friend. You are my son. O Lord, how I love you and cherish you.
Thank you for your love, - John

July 9, 1988
"I say you screwed up. You'd better go. If you stay I'll just get angrier."
What do you feel when you hear these words? Father Ed seemed to be waiting to say these words to me. I have been his administrative aide for only about a week. Father had not been around last week and I had been placed in the unenviable position of making decision s that I most likely should not have been making for several weeks. I even expected him to be angry about something. Everyone on the staff had warned me about his famous temper. Yet when I heard him say these words was still devastated.
In the first place, I know how much I agonized over every single thing I did last week. There can be no question I did a lot last week. In fact the list of accomplishments filled a couple of pages. I did this one thing though, like everyone else, it was the one thing I did not think would throw him, yet watch out for the unexpected.
I am so angry because he would not talk to me. He asked me to leave, saying if I stayed it would only serve to make him madder. I thought this man would talk to me. Maybe he was so angry he just could not.
If he is that angry, the question must come up, just what does he expect from me? I expect openness and honesty from him. I am exhausted and depressed and I do not want to feel that way.
Here I am Lord, hold on tight, do not let me explode at anyone especially my loved ones.

J

uly 10, 1988
I have many things to be thankful for this day. My wife, two of my daughters and I attended mass together. We then went to dinner together and laughed through a silly movie. What we did was celebrate our love for each other. What we did was to allow the love of our God to come and dwell with us. It was a special time for me and for them.
The parish welcomed us officially after mass this morning. There were only a few people there but it was nice.
Each and every member of the staff, without knowledge of what took place between Father and me yesterday, came up to me and Linda and inquired as to my well being. They all knew that Father was going to lose his temper and that I might be hurt. It seems he has a history of doing what he did. The principal told me she would not let him make her cry. Another woman who has been a staff member for many yeas said he made her cry. Still another was just deeply concerned.
Tomorrow starts my third week with him.

I understand him because he acts like I have acted so often in the past. I have a feeling he too wants to change and is fighting so hard. I know what such a fight is like. No one has ever done more harmful or stupid things than I have. There are few sane moments of my life that I do not regret having hurt the people I most love.

Maybe God brought me here to find a way to help him. If so, God has his work cut out because I will need more help than Father.
Lord God,. I am so weak and fragile. How can I help anyone else when cannot take care of myself?
Please stand firm with me and hold me tight. Do not turn me loose.


July 11, 1988
Today I tried to be honest and open and to be sharing. I also tried to listen to what I was expected to do and be. I feel tired and not unfree of worry. Yet I am fine, someone reaffirmed me, someone said I'd done well. The one I most want to serve is my Lord and God. My Lord and God is Jesus Christ and, I serve him. I serve him well because he will not turn me loose. My boss asked me to list my priorities for the next two weeks. I listed what I felt he would want me to list.
My list of priorities for my life are very clear. First and foremost, I am a servant of the God of love. Second and singularly important, I am husband and Father. Thirdly and lastly I am a sharer of God's love. There are no other priorities for me. I am sorry for my failures and I seek forgiveness. I am not sorry for who I am or what God has called me to be. I am a good and worthy man who understands the love of God.
Something that is becoming an important priority.

Something I keep hearing my God ask me to do.

Something I must not put off much longer.

Something I must soon begin is the story of my Lord and my God, Jesus, my Savior.

John

July 12, 1988
There was a meeting with nice people present. Each person felt they had something to contribute. Every human is worthwhile and has much to contribute. Specifically these people wanted to feel at ease. They wanted reassurance they were worthwhile. They wanted to know that what they did was appreciated. They wanted to feel needed and wanted and loved. Because each had a measure of self they were ok.
But I heard and saw nothing from the one in charge. The one in charge seemed to be in a world of self containment. Still these people, because they are loving caring people, made excuses and found ways in which to excuse this person. Did they make excuses for him because they love him? Did they do it because of fear for their job? I do not know the answer. I just know what I saw and felt. Somehow, my job is to become the in-between this man and them. I do not know how that is going to work.
For both I feel so much love, so much hope.

For both I feel so much pain, the pain of caring –

and yet, I am not at all sure what to do.

Lord, Jesus, I pray you will hold me so that –

I will be able to go and do in only one direction - yours!


July 13, 1988
O Lord God, here we go again.

I don't know if we are ready.

I don't even know if I want to be ready.

I just know we really most especially need you.

Let us speak and say and do your words, not ours.

You put words in our mouths or refuse to let our mouths open. We're your servants and we are trying to serve you. So Lord; this is the time for you to do the talking.

We did not mean to do or say anything wrong tonight. We love young people and we thought it would be ok. Where were you tonight when we needed you.

Did you not see the trouble we we're in?

Maybe we did not stop to listen to you.

We thought we did, we tried to, we needed you.

You came in the form of the young man.

Maybe he was our signal from you to hang in there.

That is the only hope we have from this night

Without that, it was an unmitigated disaster.

Take care of us and straighten this mess out.

But Lord, if we did what you wanted us to do, if tonight was part of your using of us, well, Lord, so be it.

Say Lord, if it was your will tonight, could you check your plans. No offense, Lord, we love you and thank you for loving us.

July 14, 1988
Lord, is it always going to be like this?

Is this what working in your church is always like?

"If you become teachers of the law, yes!"
"What I called you to do was to tell people of my love for them. You are to tell people about my heart. You are to be me to my people. From and through you will I teach my people. It will never be easy, though there will be times of respite. I will always be with you. You will never be abandoned and your family will always be provided for. You are to write my word and to give my people a drink of water. Get on with it."
I am afraid but I will get on with it. Please hold me close to you Lord, because I can do nothing. You alone gave the power, and if it is your will, let your power show through me. I know you are at one time, my Lord and my God; my friend, my everything.
Sometimes when a person tries so hard to hear and understand his God, sometimes confusion results. Confusion will not detract from the fact that person is making a super effort.
I do not want to be confused. I do not want confusion in my life. I just want things to go right for the first time in so long. I want to be successful. Yet I am not able to understand things the way they are. I have committed myself to be a Christian and that does not seem to be an acceptable thing. At least I should say my concept of what a Christian is does not seem to be what most people want in a Christian. Yet people, just people, seem to respond to us very well.
What my understanding of being a Catholic is, and what Catholic in real practice means, does not seem to fit. I have felt for so long I could not leave the church. If I left the church it would be like turning my back on God. I think I know now that was a wrong way of thinking. Is it better to stay inside an organization that has to make a space for you because there is no normal space, or would it be more intelligent to find a place where you could teach Jesus Christ and still be normally acceptable. I am not afraid of being challenged and I have been faithful to my church beyond reason. If faith is misplaced is it still faith. When does faith become pure stubbornness? Even if it is the most difficult thing in the world to do for you, what is wrong about doing that thing if it will lead to being able to be a Christian?
I keep coming back to Eucharist. Will bread stop becoming the body of Christ if a Catholic priest does not make it so? If it would stop then what does that say about the Catholic priest. Is a "Catholic" priest so vitally important or is the most important thing the fact that bread does become Jesus' body and blood?
What does it take for bread to become body of Christ really present?

I would have said it would take the present presence of Christ, combined with the believing people, and an ordained priest. I still think that is correct but not in the way I once thought it was correct. Christ must be present. Christ does not need the other two factors to be present but the other two factors, ordained priest and family of believers, is certainly vital.

A family of believers and a priest can not make Christ be present. Christ comes in their belief and comes often when there is no belief. Is what they believe so important? Is it their willingness to believe that is the central factor? A group of people gathered together focused on one purpose, to love and to be loved by their God is an inviting, almost irresistible, attraction for the Lord God. The Lord God does not have to come. The Lord God comes and dwells with them out of love for them. You can be assured that where love is truly present, the Lord God will be there. There is no such thing as love devoid of God's presence.
I used to think an ordained priest meant a Catholic, specifically a Roman Catholic Priest. It also in a way, a lesser way, perhaps, meant an Episcopalian, Eastern Orthodox, or similarly related minister. I think I now need to look at what I am coming to understand ordained as. A man or woman called by God to teach the love of Christ, who through their everyday living actions reveal their love of Christ and their love of fellow man. This person is a disciple of Christ. When this person, through either being called by a group of believers or through the intervention of the Lord God or through formal training, is called to minister to a certain group of the people of God; then this disciple of Christ has become an ordained minister. Minister and priest, two different things, I have always thought so. A priest was one who was set aside from the ordinary people of God in special somewhat holy way. There have always been priests. The thought is occurring to me that nowhere in the bible can I find where Jesus created, if you will, ordained priests. Jesus called men to follow him. Jesus called the ones who followed him disciples. I don't think priest as we know it, as I have known it, is the same thing. That is a most disturbing thought.
Well Lord, you can see where I am at. I do not know what to do. Will you, Lord, take control and do with me whatever you want. Please remember I am weak and so you need to be very clear. You need to be very strong in me and you need to hold me so very tight. I'm just counting on these things Lord. If I have any other choice, I do not know of it. Maybe that is why this is my choice. I hope it is my choice because I really am choosing you and you want me to make this choice. I really do love you, my Lord and my God.

John