A single year

May 1, 1988
My wife and I finished reading the Old Testament last night. Each day, out loud, we take turns reading from the bible. There were some chapters I thought we would never finish.
Often it seemed as though we were reading the same thing over and over. Always God's people seemed to be involved with being told of God's law rejecting it, being enslaved, physically fighting for freedom, and finally returning to live in peace for a short time as God's chosen people.
Always they seemed to kill or be killed. They endured torments and tortures that made reason seem insane. Remember Ruth using all her abilities including her womanly body to protect her people and their belief in God.
I think in horror of the mother watching each of her children tortured in front of her and then being put brutally to death for their belief God. .
So much death and destruction.
I really understood and felt a kindredship with Ezra who was unafraid to question his God.
I love Noah who dared to be different. Would we be here if not for Noah?
At first I did not understand the faith of Abraham.
I think a major highlight of what we read was the prayer of the three men in the fire. Aziriahs prayer--I remember what they said to the king just before being thrown in the fire. Even if their God chose not to save them, it only meant they did not know what God had in mind for them.
I am so afraid of not having a job. I wish I could just say that God is taking care of me and it is fine no matter what. I am trying to, the strong unending faith I have kept is being tested beyond what I think I can handle. The knowledge that God will not let me be tested beyond my capability is not real comforting at this moment. It would seem the people of hundreds of years past had more faith. I know my God will take care of me I know it and I believe.
The one thing I have had reaffirmed by the Old Testament is that God will come to my assistance no matter how badly I have sinned or failed. God always came to his people's help in the Old Testament. God never deserted them, ever. It is this firm belief that God will see me in all my insignificance and help me one more time. This is what I draw strength on and I know it to be true.
My prayer is back to where it should be, I think. O God, do with me as thy wilt. It's ok God. I exist to serve you. Just God, please do not let me go loose and away from you.
Not much of prayer when you consider all the: pressing needs my family has. W we sold the Toyota yesterday and the scooter today for $450. God was with us both days.
I seem to sense that God is getting us ready to go somewhere. Lord, it does not matter where, we will go. If it does not please your will to give us our much needed answer this day, then maybe tomorrow. If you will continue to prop us up, we will continue to stand firm. If you turn us loose, right now, Lord, I we will fall. Even if we fall and fall deeply away from you O Lord, there is no way we could stay long away from you. No matter what, we would come back to what we are and that is your lovingly created children.
Well Lord, later this night, my wife and I will begin to read the good news of the New Testament. I hope our life will turn in the same direction. We have come from the perseverance of faith much as the people of the old persevered until the birth of Jesus. As we begin to read of Jesus, I pray we begin to live as Jesus would have wanted us to.
With all I am, I love you my Lord and my God. I worship you and I thank you for getting me this far. I could not be who I am becoming if I had not been permitted to endure and learn from where I have been. I look forward to tomorrow because I know it will be better than today and so each day will be better. The main reason will be the growing understanding I am being given of the love of you for me and the love I am to give to your people. I choose to accept this love and the responsibility that must be a part of it. I will give your people a drink of water. You are the water and I will de the glass. Bold words from a man of my limited faith and ability, I know. They are more than words of promise. They are words that with your help will come true.

May 2, 1988
What does it mean to be an expecting person?

Does it mean to look forward to something?

Does it mean to believe with all ones being it will happen?

Does it mean to know that not only can it happen, it will happen?

Do you believe even more strongly when hope would seem to be lost?

Do you continue to believe even after hope has fled?

Yes, some people would say that is insanity   maybe because I am such a person, I say it is being expecting.
What is the basis of such faith and can it be misplaced?

The history of God and God's people is a most strong basis.

From Adam to Noah to Moses to David and Ruth and Ezra and so many others, whole nations that refused to set aside their faith - under conditions that make most misery seem almost kind.

Unwavering like Abraham, God never abandoned his people.

They kept believing that God would send a savior, and despite turning away from God over and over again, God saw their faith and sent his only son, Jesus to us.
Even the father and mother of Jesus were tested.

A virgin engaged to be married is given a child. An honorable man engaged to a virtuous virgin finds her pregnant. All either of them have to believe in is the words of an angel. The words of an angel that no one but them have seen or heard. They heard, they believed, and they served their God.

Their son, God's son, was born, lived, and was killed.
In the glory of eternal love, Jesus arose from being dead. In the glory of eternal love, Jesus lives now and forever.
I began my life in love and faith and belief. I wanted more so I lied, cheated, stole all I could get. God knew me and chose me for his own and stayed with me. God gave me a companion for life to help me find my way. I did not appreciate this gift at first and offered hurt. God kept her with me and gave us children from his love. I did not want to appreciate these gifts and caused pain. God stayed with me and would not leave me to myself. Finally after I had ruined all that I had come into, after I could not do anything else except turn to God, I tried to begin to do and be what God would have of me. Again I failed and became miserable and my family suffered, yet God did not abandon me to my misery. I then began to truly beg my Lord God to come and dwell in me. God came and I was frightened beyond my comprehension. God came and dwelled in me and I am not who I was. Who I am now can not lie, steal, cheat even to support my family. Who I am now loves and respects the enormous gift of wife and children. Who I am now is more afraid of failing my God than wanting to gain by means that do not include God. Who I am now has ruined who I used to be, praise God. Even though I have no job and soon no shelter and little money, I can not, I will not turn away from my God and who I am now. More importantly my God will not turn me loose to fall, during the long turmoil filled trip to where I am now.
My God refused to abandon me and lifted me up every tine I fell, there is no way my God will ever turn me loose, because I now have done what my God did at my creation, I was chosen by my God at my creation, now, I have finally chosen my God.
If faith is based on the love of God, strong unlimited faith is never misplaced. The faith I have this moment is that my God is watching out for me and knows my needs. My God knows of the struggles I have endured and will endure. My God sees my strong faith and will come to my aid. I probably will not understand exactly how my God is helping me. That does not in any way negate the fact that God is helping me. I believe with all my heart and being that God will provide me with a job, a place I may serve him. I believe that God will do this soon, this week, maybe today. If for some reason he doesn't, it only means that God has a different plan than what I expect. God's plan is the plan I want to follow. I will be open to God's plan no matter how long or hard the road.
I am an expecting person.

I expect to be better than what I have been. I expect to do this through a growing awareness of the love my God has for me and my family. I expect to be all I can be and all my God wants me to be. God's ever-present love for me and my free will choice to accept this unlimited love will be my way. I expect to have a job this week where I can in love serve my God and his people and provide for my family. I expect this to happen through God's love for me. I do not expect to fall or fail my God or myself. If in my humanity I do, I knowingly expect my God to lift me up. In that case I would expect my God to give me a swift kick and return me most uncompromisingly back to the right pathway. I expect to be a good husband and father. I expect to love and trust and take care of my neighbor. I expect others not to understand me or who I am. I expect to spend eternity at my God's side as his most loving and obedient servant. I expect to spend eternity as the friend of my God.

Amen

May 3, 1988
The Lord of everything, I the Lord who created you, I have chosen you to carry my message to my people. You will brings them water, food, and most of all, my love. You are who I will send, so be prepared.
I know you have chosen me O Lord and I am eager. You have been preparing me for what you would have me do. I just did not know and have been so impatient. The time must be very close now as to when I shall go. Only you, Lord, know where am going with your love.
I shall take each day one step at a time. I shall journey slowly and with determination. It will be an open journey of love and sharing. To all I meet I shall tell of your love. Even to those who will not listen, I will speak of you.
Along the way you will fill me with wisdom.

Along the way I shall grow in your love.

Along the road I shall have reason to rejoice.

For each mile of the way I will be doing your will.

Each second of every moment I will share you with someone.

Up every mountain I will climb until I have reached everyone. No valley will be too deep or river too swift to cross, I shall not rest until every one knows of your love. When my human body tires and my bones ache, you will come and dwell in me and renew my being and purpose.

This Lord is who I am, and who I am is your servant. No longer will I cry, send me, O Lord, send me. For Lord you have called me by name and I have heard. I have already been sent and I am on my way. Here I am, Lord, eager to be all that you have called me to be.

May 4, 1988
The Lord is good and we sense his love for us even when we do not know what we are doing. Even when we don't know why we are doing what we are, we know our Lord is wonderful and all loving.
The Lord has a plan for each of us. The Lord's plan probably is different than what we think it is. I certainly had a different idea about his plan for me. I am ready now to try my Lord's plan.
You see my plan was just that, my plan. My plan did not include what the Lord wanted. I was only concerned with how and what I did. The first growth in me was to know that others were important.
It is not that I can not be important because I truly am. I just can not allow my importance to exclude how truly and significantly important all of God's creatures are. I began my journey thinking only of me.
The first thing one has to learn is to accept. Each of us needs to accept God's love for us. Each of us needs to accept our love for ourself. Each of us must learn to accept the love of others.
In order to accept God's love, we must first know of it.

We learn of God's love through the Word of God. We learn of God's love through the actions of others. We learn of God's love through the Holy Spirit.

If we hate anything, we will have difficulty in loving. We sometimes try to love others and hate ourselves. It is not a possibility, it is not possible. If we can show love we can feel love and know love.
Others can love us without any desire on our part to be loved by anyone or anything. Before we can truly know God's love, we must open ourselves to being loved by others.
Sometimes we are afraid to love or to be loved. Loving is the most natural part of man. The loving Lord Creator God dwells centrally in each of us. Love is our most natural state of being.
It is often possible to love and not have that love returned. When that happens each of us always feel pain. Pain brings anger, hurt, and defensiveness. Loving is easy but not simple.
Because of the fear of not being loved in return - many of us refuse to reach out and love. If you never reach out and love, can you never be hurt. If you never love, can you ever be whole?
There is no way to be complete human beings without love. There is no way to know the glory of being loved if you live a life afraid to love. There is no way to know God without knowing love.
Love fosters strength and lifts ones being.

Love is never silent or passive.

Love is always reaching and being reached.

Love is putting someone else's needs before your needs.

Love s understanding gentle, and sure. It is laughing at ones self and with others.

Love is a joyous and joyful thing.

Love is wife, daughters, sons, and husbands.
Love is more than a definition or any single word or phrase, love is action. The action of caring. Love is not afraid to be misunderstood.

Love is as God is for God is love!

May 5, 1988
Praise God!
We have an interview in Defiance Ohio Friday, May 13th. They will reimburse us for our gas and motel expense up and back.
They called and spoke to Father Tim at Devine Mercy for about a half an hour today. They were concerned with where we were at. They wanted to know about this year. If we had worked out any of the problems we had experienced in the past.
Linda's mom and dad are here from Oklahoma City for the day and night.
We are reading from Matthew. One thing keeps jumping out at us. Jesus calls us to believe.
Linda and I are trying to believe and I think we are beginning to believe.
Please do not let us fail you, O Lord.
Let us have a safe journey and let us not lie or misrepresent ourselves to set this job. Be with us O Lord. If it be your will, please let us hear from Alaska.
Thank you for everything.


May 6, 1988
"I did not come to bring peace."
These are the words or perhaps a trouble maker. They could also be the words of someone that wanted to straighten out a mess and was very much aware that when this was being done, people were going to be upset, angry, etc.
These could very well be the words of a man who came in love. Love and peace sometimes are not together. Sometimes because of love, peace is not probable. Sometimes people need straightening out. Sometimes even people who are seemingly at peace need to have things questioned or even turned upside down. Love is an action that requires an action. Peace can be the result of the action of love. Anger, frustration, confusion yes, even war and violence can result from love.
God is love and all that comes from God is love. Jesus is the son of God comes from God, and is God. Jesus said "I did not come to bring peace."
What is peace? Is it living happily without regard to others? Is peace loving each other no matter the cost? If perhaps peace is living in a loving way with your fellow human.
What did Jesus bring? It certainly was not peace. I mean the people killed Jesus and his followers were often executed for what they taught and believed.
My answer is that Jesus brought himself. Jesus brought us love. Jesus brought mankind hope and a new way to live and believe. This new way is the original way. It is a way that was enhanced so much through the ages that it became a completely different way. Jesus brought us back to the way we were created.
The essential thing that Jesus taught us was, (1) to believe, and (2) to love.
We are to first be believers. We are to believe in God the Father and Jesus as God the Son and the Spirit as God and ultimately in all three as one God.
We are to believe. Jesus is very clear about that.
We are next to love and to believe is to love so they are equal not separated or in order or importance.
We are to love our God. We are to love each other. Jesus is very clear about this also.
This is why Jesus came. This is the essential teaching of Christ. To believe and to love.
It seems we had begun to believe in false Gods. We also had begun to love false objects and false Gods. Even after Jesus came we continued to do these things. The difference is after Jesus came we simply have no excuse for continuing along a wrong path. Jesus was very clear in his teaching. Now, there can be no question that what Jesus taught us could mean a substantial change in the way some of us live. There can be no question that for some of us, this change would result in unhappiness and much turmoil. There can be no question that it would mean the end of what some of us see as a peaceful lifestyle.
The can be no question that Jesus did not come to bring us peace.

May 7, 1988
Sometimes you see so clearly you are blind. I know you say, just how can that be? It would sound impossible, yet it is how it is. Usually it happens after the fact and not before.
You know what it is that caused you to act a certain way, you even know why you acted that way. No doubt you know what to do to avoid that act. Yet this knowledge is never clearer than afterward.
Since we have this knowledge before we do this thing, it would seem we would avoid making this mistake. So often this knowledge seems to disappear from our reach until the situation is over and it is reflection time.
A wise man knows how to avoid losing this knowledge.

A wise man uses his knowledge to avoid the same pitfalls.

A wise man finds a way to call on this knowledge before the act.

A very wise man will use this knowledge to avoid this act.

Now for each man that act is not the same. Yet each of us shares the same feelings about this act. Each of us has the same knowledge and the same wisdom supplier. The one of us that understands and uses this knowledge is rare.
I do not want you to think I am that man. In fact more often than not am not so wise.

I see the pothole, know how to avoid it and step right in. The only redeeming thing about me is I keep getting up.

No matter the faith of a man, if he falls enough, he will have enormous difficulty in getting up. That is where I am at. I've fallen so much, the Lord must be tired of picking me up.
The only hope I have is that my Lord's love for me is unlimited. Because of his love for me, I will not keep on falling. With the wisdom that comes from being loved by God, I will find a way to use the knowledge that has been given me.


May 8, 1988
Last might at mass I heard a man repeat a few very special words of Jesus. It had to do with the fact that Jesus chose us.
If Jesus had not chosen us; perhaps we could sit back and enjoy life. If we had not been chosen by Jesus, perhaps right and wrong would not be of any concern to you and me.
What's that you say? What can you do about anything anyway? So what difference does it make that Jesus chose us?
Fair question. I mean can you or I really do anything about anything? Most of the, time we are assured we can't. Most of the time we aren't even concerned if we can or cannot.
What do you think? Not that it matters to anyone except me. I know I make a difference. Unfortunately for me though, the difference I make is not always the right one. Even when I do or say nothing I make a difference. If I make such a difference (and I do), you must make a difference also.
There is a purpose to all life. No one lives accidentally. No life is unimportant.
No one person can create life. In fact no two persons can create life. Life is given when and only when God desires life to be present. Since God is directly involved in the creation of every life, you can rest fully assured that each life has meaning and sufficient importance.
Jesus chose to live and to die for each life. Jesus chose each of us by name in the most personal of ways. The real question is why? Why did Jesus choose me? Why did Jesus choose you? Why' did Jesus choose any of us?
The answer to each and all of the above questions is this, Jesus chose each of us to believe and to love.
Believing and loving! This is how you make a difference. If you believe, you know you can do. If you believe, you know what to do. If you believe, you will be provided a way to do. If you love you will know how to do.
Do you believe? Do you really love? Do you limit your belief? I know I limit my love. Do you limit your love?
How do you see life and the world you live in? Does everything happen around you or do things that happen involve you?
Just how passive are you? What would make you take a part in life? Was it just too much for you?
Are you a believer? What do you choose to be? If you choose not to believe, make sure you understand it is your choice for you, not God's. If you choose to believe you are a loving person, make sure you understand that love as you understand it and love as defined by Jesus is different.
What do you do about this? Nothing because what can anyone do right? Wrong! You can choose to accept Jesus' love for you. You can choose to ask Jesus to come and be a part of your life.

Jesus chose you. What have you chosen?

May 9, 1988
Tomorrow Linda, Jamie, and I will begin long car journey to Ohio where we will be interviewed for a pastoral ministries job on Friday, May 13th.
They have interviewed at least two others and did not find what they were looking for.
I wonder what they are looking for. Is it us? Is this where the Lord God wants us to go? What f they do not like us either? I guess we would be in good company anyway. What if they decide we are the ones to serve them?
Can we do this job?
Lord God I think we have tried to be so very open to what you would have us do. We would like your hand to guide us on this journey. Do not let them offer and do not let us accept, unless this is where you want us to be.
I think that sounds more like a demand, Lord, than a plea. It is both I think. While we don't want to screw up, we do need a job.
As you know Lord, this would not be out first choice either. We would prefer Alaska., Oregon, Montana, West Texas, but not Ohio close to Michigan.
I just read in the book of Matthew, your words Lord, take up your cross and follow me. Well, we are going to do what it is you would have us do no matter how difficult it turns out to be.
Protect us on this journey and help us so we make the right decisions. Do with us as you will. This is our prayer and it is what we believe. We believe in you and your love for us. We love you and we love each other and we love our neighbor.

May 10, 1988
Two blind men approached Jesus, Jesus asked them "what do you want sir?" They replied "give us our sight." Jesus out of love gave them their sight.
I have written Jesus came to call us to believe and to love. It would seem he also wanted us to know it was time to ask. It would seem if we ask out of faith and we believe, God can do what we ask. In love, God will answer us.
We began our journey to Ohio this day. Last night we sold our VCR and video camera for $700. Tonight we are at my sister's in Georgia.
We have asked our God to not turn us loose, and if we believe he will not. We expect in God's love for us, a place to work honestly, openly, and in love.
We ask you Jesus, for such a place for us this week. Whatever you want is what we will try to want also. We believe and we love. Amen!