A single year

September 23, 1988
For over 9 months I have written every day. In the most part it is a journal of my year yet there have been some times when I have written solely of and about God.
I saw Doctor Barnett yesterday and he pronounced me fit to go ahead with the dental thing on Tuesday.
Linda, Jamie, and I had an uneasy and painful talk about weight. I am so deeply concerned about Jamie. She has so much anger. It is the same anger I used to feel. It is the same anger I still feel all too often. Her anger breeds my anger. Oh God please cure us and rid us of this curse. Oh God please help Jamie and me and all my children. Oh God help us with our weight and give us some peace together and individually.
We are reading revelations. It is both beautiful and most disturbing.
I cannot allow myself to know a God of anything except love. I will not believe in a just God or angry God. Mankind simply would not exist if the God who created mankind suffered from the same afflictions as mankind. God has no need to be just, for God is never anything except perfect in every way and unconditional love. This unconditional love is all powerful and is not that hard to understand. Love is! Mankind exists only because of this love. All these other things that are happening in mankind's world happen because of mankind and have nothing to do with God. They in fact exclude God. Man excludes God sometimes even when man is attempting to include God. Man has reached a point where man's understanding of himself and man's understanding of God has become so complicated that mankind has become a complicated mess. God is simple. No offense dear God. God is simple! God is all powerful unlimited and unlimiting unconditional love. God simply loves you and me. We are the ones who have trouble with that – not God! We, you and I are the ones who have trouble accepting the fact that the one who created us loves us immeasurably. We have no power over God. We have no power to affect God. We indeed have no power or control over the fact that we are loved unconditionally by our creator God. This is I feel the only consistent thing in all of our life. God is love. God loves you and me.
To continue I would simply say God asks only one thing from us. It is indeed the simplest of all things and if we let it, the easiest of all and certainly the most pleasurable. Yet mankind has made this simple wonderful thing the most difficult and complex of all things for man to do. Mankind has attached pain and hurt almost to the extent of mankind trying to forget how to do what is the most simple and normal part of mankind's being. What is ingrained in each of us I even in the seemingly lowest form of all life is the ability, the need, to love and to be loved. This cannot be set aside under any circumstance. Love is at the core of all life. Love is the core of all life. At times I think we have placed so many other horrible and hurtful, mean, and painful things in our lives and called that love. We have done this so long and so much we really do not have the slightest idea what love is anymore. What's more we have forgotten we are love. We have forgotten our God. We have created so many false needs that have become our God that we do not even know our true God anymore. In a way we have become worse than the pagans of long ago. They had to be taught. We know. What we know is wrong.
The most simple thing man can do is love. The most normal thing man can do is love. Man is love! I am speaking of the real and true love that exists in all man. I am speaking of the love that all man was created by and from. I am speaking of God.
Lord God help me. Stand firm with me and lift me up. Find a way to heal Linda, Jamie, and me and bring us even closer together in you, in love, in our love! Please!

September 24, 1988
The bible! At today's teacher in-service on the bible, we had about 35 people attend. The first teacher did a fair job on the Old Testament. As did the Father Ken Morman on the New Testament and fundamentalism. Father Morman at leas t presented what he was asked to present. He needed more time yet I had clearly given him only an hour for each subject. He did a good job and the day went well.
What do I think about the bible?'
The Old Testament or the Hebrew Scriptures are a grand story of the evolvement of humanity. I think perhaps many of the stories are colored by the time they were written and the harshness of what seems to be an early God is really the harshness of an evolving mankind. It is an important and interesting study of an evolving mankind and its continuing relationship with God. New understanding coming out of experiences that were in themselves growth demanding. I guess I am pleased we have a loving God pictured anyplace in the OD Books. I feel man would grow to the point where man would believe in one God even if there were no Old Testament. The Old Testament is necessary because it clearly predicts the coming of a savior which we now know as Jesus Christ.
The New Testament is completely vital to Christianity. It is the story of love. It is the story of God becomes man for man while remaining God. It is the story of unconditional love. Without the New Testament we do not know Jesus Christ and therefore do not have the understanding of a loving God that we should all enjoy now. The New Testament is the story of change, it reflects man's new understanding of what and who God is. This new understanding is brought about by the life of Jesus Christ. The time Jesus lived is important. The words Jesus spoke are important. The reaction to Jesus is important both by the people of Jesus and the people of today. The fact that Jesus lived, his human parentage, his ministry actions, the fact that he was scorned, crucified, and died, yes all important. The fact that Jesus rose from the dead is vital. The most important aspect of Jesus Christ is the message Jesus brought to all mankind. That message can be summed up in one word. This word is a word that requires action. It is a word that requires doing. It is a word that is synonymous with the very word, Jesus. That word is the name of the Lord God who is both the father of Jesus and one with Jesus.

That word is love

Thank you for this night watching the band festival here in Defiance. Thank you for Jesus.
Stand firm with me and hold me and mine up. Hold tight in your love and know we love you our God.

September 25, 1988
What does it mean to reconcile. I think it means to bring two people or two or more opposing sides together. It means to try to work together recognizing the differences that exists between you. Maybe not. Perhaps it means to effectively change one's attitudes so that one can have a whole new set of attitudes.
Could it mean more than saying I'm sorry? May be even more than saying it, to reconcile might mean to be sorry and to effect a change in one's life that would not allow for that thing to happen again.
To reconcile…to bring together. God and man yet if God never leaves man why is it necessary to reconcile God to man? It isn't, reconciling man to God, now that is different. To reconcile man to God implies that man has done something to set man apart from God. Why is it necessary to reconcile man to God in such a situation? Man without God is life with living. To bring man back together with God is to effect reconciliation in the most important way.
To reconcile…to bring together!
I choose to be one with God. I choose to be void of sin. I choose to be reconciled with God.
Stand firm with me and hold me up.
Help me to teach parents tonight about reconciliation. Please Lord use me and make me your teacher and this a teaching moment.
Most Holy Spirit, I seek you this night, O glorious Wisdom come and dwell within me so that I might say only words that are inspired you, O mighty and all powerful Wisdom, Lord God Almighty.

September 26, 1988
I am a man and not a perfect man at that.

What I am is a man who is growing, changing.

I am not afraid of change yet I rush not to change.

I am more afraid of standing still than going too fast. More than anything I value God's people, my family. You see I know that all of you are my family.

Never could I be alone for as long as there are people.

As long as people have life, then I am, for I am part of you. You are also part of me and all that I have and am.

Together as one we are and what we are is the good created by God, even if we know not what it is to be Godlike, we are. Sure we do not act Godlike and we do not think Godlike, God is a part of each and every one of us for there is no life that does exist that God hath not made. Where there is life, there is God and there is love. God is total and all powerful unconditional love. As unreal as it sounds and seems, God is in each of us. Yes, unconditional and all powerful love is a part of you and me. Sometimes I find this part of me and gently dwell within it. Sometimes I get in touch with this part of me. Not often enough, not nearly often enough.

I am a non perfect man yet I try to find the perfection that dwells within each of us. The perfection that created and sustains each of us. Perfection that is unconditional and all powerful love. Yes I am a non perfect man striving to be perfect. Someday if I work hard enough at this my God will -welcome me to the fullness of being one with him and then I will be the fullness of being one with my god. Yes then will I be perfect because my innerself will have united with my outerself as one with God. Then I will no longer be a non perfect man!

,
Tomorrow I undergo being put to sleep to have dental surgery. I am afraid yet I know God will take care of me.
Stand firm with me Oh God. I love you and need your love and I have it.

September 27, 1988
I had oral surgery today, they put me to sleep. The strange thing is when they woke me up I thought they were just getting ready to put me to sleep. I don't remember getting started. They put an IV in my left hand and my left shoulder began to burn furiously and then they woke me up.
I feel worse now than I did during whatever happened. I am sore. I am nauseous and my mouth hurts but I am awake and it is over except for the getting better part.
Thank you God for letting me get through this thing. I know I probably will feel yucky and even sick for a while but the worse should be over and I am thankful. S

September 28, 1988
I stayed at home today although I did get dressed and check in at the office. Everyone there was appropriately concerned about me. Actually I feel pretty good all things considered. My mouth hurts and I ache but after the cutting and scraping and pulling my mouth endured yesterday, I feel fine.
Thank you God for letting it be a snap. I was really afraid to let them put me asleep.
Tonight is the first night of religious formation classes and I have a meeting with 11^th and 12^th graders to plan a liturgy. I hope all goes well.
O Lord my God I love you and feel your love. I am sorry for all my failings. Knowing what sin is I would never deliberately dwell in sin. I am beyond sorrow for those times when I dwelled in sin. I explained to parents the other night that sin is something that is very wrong, it is an action by which you separate yourself from God's love. Since it is an action totally initiated by yourself, you are the only one that can do anything about it. Sin is an action that affects not only yourself but can and often affects someone else.
It is not enough for the action to be wrong. It is also necessary for you to have knowledge that the action is seriously wrong. If you don't know the action is wrong, you do not change the wrong nature of the act, it is just that the nature of your act is not sin. You must clearly know that what you are entering into is wrong and seriously so. You must consciously decide to do this thing and you must do it before you have sinned.
If it is wrong; you know it is wrong, and you do it, you have placed a barrier between yourself and God's love for you. Now remember, you did not affect God's love for you which is unaffectable. What you affected was your acceptance of God's love for you. Since you alone decided to enter into sin, you alone decide to leave sin behind.
This is why I can say I seldom dwell in sin. I know of my God's love for me and I will not be without it. I must be my God's complete lover. I fall. I fall into sin! It is less frequent but it still happens and if it happens once in a year, it happens once too often. Sadly it happens more than I care to publicly admit. I am a sinner! I constantly hate sin.
The incredible thing is that God dwells within each of us. It is God within us that allows us to overcome sin. Because the love of God is unconditionally powerful and strong. Man always has the opportunity to come out of sin. Only you, only I can make the choice to come out of sin. It is God dwelling within that gives us the strength to make this choice.
To come out of sin is like taking a fresh clean bath after being smothered in fresh aromatic and strong manure. There is no other feeling quite like it in the world. Not even sex! I know God. I like sex but coming out of sin is much better. The clean fresh start of new life. The past is put firmly behind and you carry no baggage.
How do you come out of sin? The knowledge you are in sin is primary. More than being sorry is next. The most important thing is the intense and immense longing to be fresh in the Love of God. It's called among other names getting right with God. Just wanting to get right with God is the first thing, wanting to put your sin behind you by staring over is important but not everything. You must make amends. If it is something you cam rectify, you most do so and at once to show you are really out from this sin. It might be as: simple as saying to someone the words I am sorry and truly meaning it. It might be so difficult that you will have to live with the knowledge that you have done something so wrong that you can never make it right. In that case how can there be any doubt that you need to come out of this sin.
You must resolve with all your being never to do this thing again. You must make every effort never to do this thing again, no matter the justification for doing, you must never again do this thing.
In the Catholic Church one seeks formal reconciliation with other members of this church who are not in such a state of sin. There is much healing in this formal forgiveness process. Just knowing that you have been formally forgiven is enough to give you the strength never to do this wrong thing again.
Hate sin!
I love you God and I ask you to heal my mouth and make me strong. I seek to really be your servant. Stand firm with me and hold me tight.

September 29, 1988
A man felt his family had mo more use for him so he stopped being a member of his family. I suppose if it had been me, I would have not stopped. I would have demanded my right to my rightful place within the family. I probably would have caused more pain. I know I would have hurt because I have known the same hurt.
Linda and I took the first steps toward inviting this man back to his family today. We intend to continue until he feels at home once more within the family we once held so dear.
I suppose he will have a different relationship now with his family. Maybe it will be better, maybe it will never be as good as it once was. I accept it will be different.
This man's family was his Catholic Church.
I cannot handle so many people hurting and being hurt in the name of a loving God. It doesn't make sense.
I have almost left the church so often, I really understand how he feels.
My body is filled with aches and stress pains and I am hurting. Lord, if it be your will, make the pain go away. If I have to endure the pain of physically hurting, Lord, so be it. I offer the pain and hurt as a prayer of hope and love for those who feel they have been shut out or have been hurt in your name or in the name of one of your churches.
Stand firm with me Lord God. I love you and I know you love me.

September 30, 1988
Once upon a time a child was born to two middle aged selfish people. The incredible thing is that this child from the moment of her conception represented a new way of living for these two people. The new life that she represented as a gift to them from their God represented in reality a new way of living for them. As she grew and became a young child growing into adolescence, they too grew and changed and went from being middle aged and selfish to new beings young and fresh in the love of their God. This child has asthma and had a significant loss of hearing in one ear. This child had a weight problem in her youth. So too her parents experienced difficulties as they tried to change from being selfish into the servants of their God. The parents at times seemed to take one step forward and a half a step backward. Their progress seemed excruciatingly slow to them. Yet they did grow and they continue to grow and their growth now is at times two steps forward and still a half a step backwards.
Today their child is eleven years special. When I think of how far Linda and I have come in the past eleven years, I am awed in our progress. When I think how far we still have to go, I know we will make it because only the Lord God in infinite love for us could have brought us this far. Our God would not bring us this far to leave us by ourselves on this journey.
Eleven years from now when Jamie is twenty two and our grandchild is around eleven I hope we will be closer to where our God wants us to be…closer to where we have chosen to be…where we are going seems at time a mystery. Yet I know it is not- we have entrusted ourselves to God and God has a definite use for us. We are being prepared in the most special of ways by our God for the most special of tasks. O Lord, let us not fail you but indeed let us serve you well.
Protect and heal Jamie and all who need healing. Let Jamie know how much she is loved and how much her God loves her. Heal her asthma and help her with her weight.
Stand firm with us.
Today we complete three months here at St. Mary.
We did okay but we need to keep doing okay. Stand firm with us.
Hold us tight and no matter our plea do not let us go far. We believe we belong to you, O Wisdom, O Lord God, O Jesus our God. Amen!

October 1, 1988
Today marks the start of my tenth consecutive month of writing every day. October, November, December and I will have written everyday for one year. If I can do this one thing to the end, maybe I will be able to do other things that are more important. I hope so.
Last night Linda and I read the first story of the bible together. The night before we finished reading the bible out loud. We finished Revelations. I'm glad. I'm not sure I am ready to begin understanding Revelations. The story of creation, though I think I can understand a little of it.
Most people start by saying that in the beginning there was nothing and then God created. This is an untrue statement which I think tends to plague man's understanding of creation. You see, there never was nothing. No one or nothing created God. God existed from before the beginning at least the beginning of creation as we understand it. In the beginning was God. In the beginning of our existence, God created. The world, the planets, the universes, the stars, all forms of life throughout the universes, everything that exists now, everything that will exist, everything that has existed, yes, this is what God has created. I might add, mankind has no idea what else God has created for mankind. At least on planet earth, has a limited view of what is, what might be, and what was. God has no such limited view. So we really don't know what God was created. What we do know is that in the beginning of what we do know, God created and we were the ultimate of what God has created as far as we know but since: our very ability to know is limit, we may very well be not so important in the God's grander scale of creation.
The single redeeming factor in man's high opinion of himself is that God told man that God created man in the image, the very likeness of God. I would remind man that anything God creates has God within. Therefore it could be said that anything God created which is everything that was ever, is now, and will be created is like unto God.
I think the most important part of man's creation is the fact that within in each man is God. Almost equally important is each man has been given the ability to choose freely to accept that part of him which is God or to freely reject God altogether. It is this ability to reason that gives man the most discomfort. For if you have the ability to reason, you have the ability to reason wrongly. The most incredible thing about man is that once man has chosen wrongly you would think man would be doomed. Not so. Man has the ability through the God that dwells within each and every man to come full circle back to the glory and lobe of God after having chosen wrongly. What is even more amazing about man is that this is not a once or twice situation. No matter how many times man rejects God, God still loves man. Man always has not only the opportunity but the ability to come back from not only one but one million wrong choices and freely chooses God. God simply seems to have no limit on the way God loves man. That is the most important statement of mankind. God was no limit on God's love for man.
Creation is God's love exploding. That is why new things, new planets, new stars, new everything is being found, started every moment of every instant in time- God's love is unlimited therefore creation is unlimited therefore what we know while limited to our present ability to know, is unlimited because our ability to grow, to change, and to learn is unlimited. God is love and love is unconditional and unlimited and unlimiting.

Stand firm with me O Lord. I do love you and accept your love for me.

John

October 2, 1988
What was the message?
Was it a nun with a pointed finger?

Was it my history?

Was the message the coming of the Holy Spirit?

Was the message about action? The action of a Christian standing firm in faith?

Was the message about confirmation?

Was the message what confirmation was?

What was the message?
I taught tonight parents and young people about confirmation. I prayed and thought and worried about what I said, and now I am thinking what was the message I gave?
I may never really know what the message I gave or the message received was. They might even quite possibly were two different things-you never know what it is a person will hear.
I hope the message was the love of Jesus for the people of God.
I hope I was not the message but the messenger.

October 3, 1988
I am afraid of not ever being satisfied. I want too much to serve and yet when I serve I almost always find a way to self destruct. I am too vocal. I call people to task too easily. I am too vocal and I am most of all too personally hurt when I am criticized. I am not thankful enough of what I have been given, I am far too impatient.
I am a man of deep personal faith. I know my God and my God knows me. I know of the love that my God has for me. It is strong and unlimited and endless. Thank you God for that. This is my salvation. More than anything I truly want to serve my God. I have asked my God not to turn me loose but to stand firm with me and my God has heard me. There can be no doubt of this.
Simply stated in spite of maybe because of all my failings and faults, my God will not turn me loose. I am his and his love is mine. My failings will pass from view when the marvelous works my God does through me become obvious.
God has a way to use me. Sometimes in trying to help God use me I go to far and almost negate God. Not possible. God always handles me and I am always pleased my God never deserts me even when he should.
Well that's all folks.
Stand firm with me and help me. Heal me my Lord. Use me and help me and mine to live somewhat happy and productive God loving lives.