A single year
Yüklə 1,1 Mb.
|
November 5, 1988 I wonder sometimes if I have truly ever given anything. Oh sure, I hare purchased things for people. I have even given money away to the church, the poor, but always I have received something in return. Sometimes what I received I had looked for before giving. Sometimes what I received was a real surprise. I can honestly say I have never given anything and not received something in return. That is why I question if I have ever given anything. To really give and not receive anything is indeed impossible. Perhaps that is because you and I have nothing of our own to give. You see everything we have or think we have - was given to us by our creator and is not of us but God. I think first of all this is where we must start. We must give what it is that is ours to give. What that is of course is the love that is our being. It is how we respond to different needs. That truly determines if we are a giving people. Do we sit back and say, I have enough so I need not to give? In other words I have no need to know if you have a need. Do we give away all we have, leaving nothing for ourselves? Do we hold back anything even just enough for our family? Perhaps we should give everything away so that we are in our mind, and in our real world totally dependent on God - really we are totally dependent on God for everything. Boy that grinds us though, I mean depending on God, hey, I can take care of myself and God is happy about it. Is this how we feel? Isn't it? Should it be how we feel? The answer is quite clear and the answer is no. Giving means caring more about the other person. Giving means not putting your needs always first. Giving simply means loving and loving is sharing God. Giving without expecting to receive in return. I know it doesn't seem possible but there it is. To give and not to expect yet still knowing God will help. For me this means trying to not dwell on me and mine. For me this means getting back to the basics of love. For me this means getting my needs well under control. For me this means doing and saying and being a man of God.
Drifting along slowly and quietly in a cool breeze. Trees turning white, green grass changing color. All of this happening right before you are ready. Warmth of Indian summer suddenly gone for another year. Yet, the cold dreariness of winter not fully here. One more day that was different from yesterday and tomorrow.
A frenzy of activity as a friendly breeze becomes an angry wind. Instead of people smiling, frowns become frequent. No longer cool but crushingly cold wind penetrates. Nothing is safe from this white edged sword of snow What was so white, beautiful has become soiled, dirty. Blinding drifts block everything from sight. And then it's over, peaceful, quiet, white once more. Wild and wonderful, silent and angry, winter is here.
One moment we are quiet, pondering, reflecting, hoping, another instant we are scurrying, looking, trying to find, almost in such a hurry we forget what we are hurrying for. Angry at times because we do forget what we are about. Then reflective, loving, understanding, being all we can be. Yet under our surface always there is another us just seeming to be waiting to leap out and change. November 8, 1988 This is National Election Day. Today America does what is the single most outwardly symbolic proof of our uniqueness, our democracy, we vote to elect a new President. Most of us did not even do this important thing. I did and Linda did. I am not sure why, I did not like him, but I voted for Dukakis. Oh well, my first time I did not vote for the President of the country. Linda voted for Mr. Bush and sure enough as I had expected, George Bush has been elected. I think I voted for Mr. Benison, the Vice President candidate instead for Mr. Dukakis. I attended a parish mission meeting. It was a night that people of the parish could help give direction to our coming mission. I heard a willingness to work on the mission and a loud dissatisfaction with having to share in the planning of it. I heard that they want or even expect the parish staff to decide what kind of mission the parish should have. I was not impressed with the man selected to be the mission presenter. I think I am blah because of the meeting which was a major energy letdown. O Lord come into my heart and hold me up and close and just be with me. Please don't let me fail either you or myself. Hold me close, hold me tightly, and squeeze me with much love this night. November 9, 1988 I listened to people this day. One woman told me that she was ready to leave the church, specifically St. Mary Catholic Church because of what she termed a lack of a pastoral man in our pastor. She said that her husband, her friends, and she were fed up with Father Ed. Father Ed just did not act like a pastor. He was arrogant, self centered and other mean and vindictive stuff. I like this woman. Her husband was on the team that recommended me for this job. This woman is partly wrong. There is some truth to her anger and hurt. I tried to just love her and still show loyalty to my pastor. I listened to a man tell me that the problem last night, which was the cause of this other woman's anger and some of her hurt, the problem last night was when the other priest, the one the parish had hired to give a mission was the one who caused the problem. This man was not so concerned with whatever the problem was as he was concerned with solving the problem. I felt close to this man. I listened to another young man this evening who said he had come very close to leaving the Catholic Church because there had not seemed to be a place in the Catholic Church for him. He had attended Catholic school however for most of his early life. Right now he is convinced that fundamentalist Christian groups are responsible for his salvation. I wanted to tell him of the Catholic faith I believe in and the Jesus I know. Right now I am trying to effectively discipline Jamie by having her sit quietly in the room with me. That is a real punishment for her just as it would be for me. I love her so and yet I see that I and Linda have spoiled her in many ways and now she is as she is because of us. I am determined not to yell or anything, yet try to show some order of discipline. Lord, I need you each and every moment of my life yet there are just some times when I seem to need you more. November 10, 1988 I don't know for sure how this day went. There were surprises at the end so the verdict is still somewhat in doubt. What I do know is that I am grateful to my God, for last night my pregnant daughter Gigi slipped and fell down a couple of stairs, and today she and my grandchild are ok. I know that I love my God, my wife, my daughters, and my grandchild. Think about it. Is there really any more that I could want. Money pales beside what God has given me. I can tell people about my God and people understand and, people believe. I can sing so special that I can help people find themselves and God through my gift of song. I love baseball and I have been to a major league baseball game. God is good to me. I face fear uncertainly and yet I seem not to give in to incredible fear and trouble because my God holds me tight and I feel his love and am able to be ok. I am a most fortunate man. Even when I screw up, my God loves me. I know not what tomorrow brings, yet I know my God will be there for me and his love will be enough. Thank you God. November 11, 1988 Always it is, what a day!. Today it is the same. A hole in a school boiler happened around 6 AM of today, my day off. After that was taken are of I took my car to have rear brakes repaired. They were squealing and dragging and sounding yucky. It turns out that my breaks do not necessarily need repairing. I just have to get use to the noise. In changing my oil filter soon after, I neglected to get it put in just right and when I started the car up, you can guess, yes, I lost all my oil. After that I tried to change a light bulb, bought the wrong bulb, and cracked a plastic light holder for the front high seal beam. Most every thing is reasonably taken care of now in the car area. Linda and I were going to go out together tonight on a date sort of. I mean considering we've been married almost 24 years. Our baby sitter for Jamie got sick and cancelled but, we found another one and Linda is now on her way to pick her up. Oh yes, a lady helping out at the school cafeteria slipped and broke her hip today also. You know, I am not so sure Linda and I should go out tonight but then I think we will anyway. Yes, I am still having problems with my, well, with that part of my anatomy that I am sitting on, maybe hemorrhoids, but I am worried. Lord, I love you and you love me. See what you can do for me and Linda this night. Thank you for giving us each other, our daughters and most of all, thank you for being our God. November 12, 1988 Hemorrhoids! I do not even really know what one is but Linda looked and she says it is so obvious. All I know is I am in pain and I have been fearful of having all sorts of terminal horrible diseases like prostrate cancer. I suppose I should go to the doctor and make sure. Lord, my wife must really love me. After I took a long hot shower, she looked and I was more embarrassed than she was. Lord, you know how I seem to let the devil play on my fears all the time. I sure have been scared, and, am still just a little, but I know you, God, will take care of me and thank you for letting Linda love me. Linda, Jamie, and I sat through an Ayersville High School production of the Music Man this night. It was great. Katie Walz had a secondary lead and yet I thought here is a young woman with a face that is so full of all kinds of life. Her face dominates all her features in the most enchanting and exciting way. She reminded me of a younger Audrey Hepburn. I think Katie has talent and I would not be surprised to see her again on stage. Well Lord, I am trying to face fear instead of running from them. By the way, thank you God for loving me so much that you had to help ease my fears. You are a very special friend, my God. I do not deserve you but yet I always seem to find your love for me just when I need it most. Please let me in some way be found pleasing to you. I guess the thing that would make me most happy is to live my life in a way that would make you happy. I think the things I like most are wrapped up in hearing my wife, my daughters, and my God laughing and smiling. I do not cause these things to happen very often, but, it is true I live for when I do have a little part in making them happen. I haven't said it in a long time so I need to say it now in a formal way, I love Mary, my mother, the mother of God and all of God's children very much, very much! I do not want to fail my God. Please, please, I want so very badly to be the special person to you. O God, I believe I am. Amen! November 13, 1988 Once upon a time, I found you. I did not know who you were. I only knew something special, Something wonderful had come my way. I was not sure who you were. I wanted to know so very much. I did not care if my flaws showed. It just seemed we had to become one. No one could be worthy of your gift. So I did not worry about being worthy. No one could have prepared me for you. Yet somehow I knew we were to be forever one. My being was changed that very moment. The very instant I discovered your love. I will be the same for now I have known your being. Where there was one now there are two. Once upon a time we found each other. We did not know who we were. We only knew something special, Something wonderful had come our way! November 14, 1988 I don't know if I can, I sure want to, sometimes I am not sure I even want to, sometimes I just know I have to so I do. Often I wish I did because I wanted to, sometimes I think I am the one choosing to do. All too often I feel I did because I was weak, not strong. If this sounds confusing for you, think how I feel. It is one thing to be aware of all of this, yet, another to do something positive about it. It seems as though my life is often out of my control. Who is to blame for this? Is it me? Is it someone else? Does it really matter who is to blame? Does it matter I feel I have given away my ability to choose? I am now facing a single choice, a clear choice, there is no question which way I want to choose. There should be no question about the choice I will make, yet I feel I have so often chosen wrongly in the past. It would be so easy to make a wrong choice again. It's just I refuse to make this wrong choice this time. You understand it is not I am stronger now. If anything I am even more tempted, more weak. It is just I have to decide one time just who I am. I know I may fail in the future, maybe even often. This one time I need to make a clear statement. My statement is I am who I am just as my creator is. November 15, 1988 You cannot grow when you are comfortable. Comfort breeds content and brings a feeling of okayness. When you are feeling ok, it is hard to see anything else. Who wants to look at any situation that makes one feel uncomfortable? You can hardly do that when you are uncomfortable. It is almost impossible to do when you are comfortable. If you cannot handle or deal with the reality of uncomfortableness, you cannot change and if you cannot change, you cannot grow! Growth is vital to living. Without growth a person becomes stagnated. Without growth everything becomes the same. Without growth nothing is different. When everything is the same in your world, when you are unwilling to even consider what is different, you no longer are a living person. You have become a world unto yourself. You no longer live in the real world of planet earth. Your world is wrapped up in your being. You must have growth to be alive. Growth is not usually easy. November 16, 1988 I went to the emergency room at the hospital tonight. I really thought I was having a heart attack. I could not understand why and in retrospect I thought I would survive if only because I had not done what my God had destined for me to do. I had not yet become what my God expected and I expected me to become. I still was very afraid. I thought not only of what I had not become or not done, but I also thought of the things I did that were wrong and suddenly the ease with which I had done these things was so apparent and I was so afraid and ashamed. What I will feel tomorrow makes me sick in the knowledge that I will again indeed fail and do these same things. There is a part of me that cries out that it does not have to be that way, that indeed I can change. I know I can change and I know I not do some of these things like I might previously had but I also know I am human and weak and I will fall on my weakness far too often for me to ever be comfortable with myself. The doctor gave me chest x-rays and an EKG and said I have something of a horizontal heart which makes my EKG look a little strange but that I was not having a heart attack. He thought I had pulled some heart muscles which might hurt more than a heart attack. Father Ed was really concerned about me. He seems to really care about Linda and me. That is a new and strange feeling, having a priest, much less the one you work for, really care about you. O Lord you know what I am. You who created me and dwell within me, you really know who I am and I know of your love and your real presence within me. I hope you really know of my desire to make you proud of me and my real and true love for you my God. Mother Mary, you saw who I turned to tonight when I was in a pinch. I know who my mother is and I love and thank you. Amen! November 17, 1988 I was surprised at the number of people who expressed concern about my health. I think they were really concerned about me. I was almost angrily at times to be told to slow down, not to work so hard, to take things easier. I almost am angry because even though I do go at a fast pace for most people, I think it is a pace I am comfortable for me. Probably they are right and I do need to relax more. I am not sure I know how. I am sure I would like to. I am pleased that people do seem to like me and care about me. It is the first time I have felt feelings like this from others in a long time. O well tomorrow they probably will hate me again. Tomorrow Linda, Jamie, and I leave for St. Louis where Gigi and Tim will have their marriage blessed in the church. I feel God has already blessed them but this will be an important day. I pray God's blessing on the next few days. I pray God's blessing on Gigi, Tim, and their unborn child. I pray God's blessing on Linda, Jamie, and me, and on Andy and Nikki. Let this be a most wonderful and special few days. Stand firm with us O Lord and help me in my time of need. November 18, 1988 Fairview Heights, Ill. Ramada Inn It was a nice drive but when we got here, we discovered our right front axle was beyond repair. You might remember a few weeks ago, we replaced our left front axle. Then it cost about $160 and took 3 weeks to get it done; today it took 2 hours and $209. Gigi and Tim seem fine. We bought Gigi 2 pregnant sets of clothes. It was a most special feeling. I spoke at length with Tim's dad about the Catholic faith. He is very strong in his belief. I think we tend to sell people like Mr. Fergus short. They really believe their faith and don't understand new understandings of their faith. Perhaps if we showed them due respect, listened to them, and gave them reasonable, solid current faith knowledge, we might be surprised at their reaction. Stand firm with us O Lord. Let tomorrow go well and let it be a beautiful, good, God day. Thanks for taking care of Linda, Jamie, Gigi, Nikki, and our grandchild, and all of us. Amen! November 19, 1988 Thank you God for a very special and fine, wonderful day. Linda, Jamie, and I witnessed Gigi and Tim's wedding as it was formalized and blessed in the Catholic Church. Linda was as beautiful as she has been in many years in a stunning cranberry red fitted dress. Jamie was lovely and beautiful as a bridesmaid, flower girl in a soft feminine pink dress. Gigi carrying our grandchild within, was beautiful in a handmade white dress. Tim was handsome in his dress air force blues. It was an exceedingly special day. Linda and I read and were Eucharistic ministers. There were angels, saints, and other personal family and friends present and I thank you all for being a part of this day. Most of all, I thank you, O God - your love for me is indeed exceedingly great! John November 20, 1988 We are back home in Defiance tonight. It was a wonderful three days. Tonight we received Nikki and Andy's invitation to the church blessing of their wedding on December 24th at a United Christian Church. It is an elaborate invitation and I think that hurt so much even more because she knew we would not be able to attend. We pray God be with her and Andy and we ask God's blessing on them. Let things have gone well this weekend here in Defiance. Let this be truly a thanksgiving week. We love you O God and we praise you and we depend on you. Amen! November 21, 1988 There was a healing mass at St. Mary tonight. It was not a charismatic mass of healing but a sacramental mass of healing. I thought it went fairly well. There were times of awareness of the presence of God. I received the sacrament of healing. I needed to. Today we as a staff met to thank our God in prayer. Father Ed formally put out the notice that the rectory would be open on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. While others take a deserved day off, I am to work at least part of the day. O well! I love you O God and I ask your continued blessing upon me and mine and I give praise and thanks. Stand firm with me and hold me tight. Please do not drop me. November 22, 1988 25 years after the killing of John Kennedy. I remember not being a John Kennedy fan. I liked Richard Nixon. I remember being (proud that a Catholic had been elected president. I remember never ever worrying about the fact he was Catholic but indeed thinking how wonderful it would be to have a man who represented so much, including my faith, to be elected president. I was a freshman at Georgia Southern College in Statesboro, Georgia. I never fit in there. I did not have the money, the car, the clothes, and most important of all, I did not have a Georgia attitude. I thought then as I do now all people were created equal. In the fall of 1963 there were no black people in Georgia. There were only "niggers". I could not tolerate that word then or now. There it was more than a word, it was the way it was. Negros, as they were then sometimes known as, were only allowed on the college campus to clean, to bring bar-b-que pork. They were not really people. I was standing in a shoe store picking up shoes that were being repaired. A black leathery man turned to me in sobbing tears and handed me my shoes. He simply said, "They've killed my president." In shock I turned around and began to walk toward the campus. I heard loud laughing and cheering. A gas station attendant was jubilant. "Someone finally killed that nigger loving son of a bitch. About time!" That is the Georgia I remember. A couple of years ago my wife and two of my daughters were traveling unavoidably through South Georgia. We were staying at a nice motel just off 1-75. We were swimming. A black family was watching us from a balcony. They did not join us in the swimming pool. Afterwards I asked them why. "It just isn't done down here." We were white, they were black, and we were in Georgia. This is the Georgia I remember. I am a JFK fan now. He has done much for his country. In death as well as in life JFK, served his country. I thank you God for him and I pray your blessings on all who serve our country. November 23, 1988 Thank you Lord for being my God. Thank you Lord for creating my world. Thank you Lord for creating me. Thank you Lord for creating my family. Thank you Lord for creating my wife. Thank you Lord for creating my daughters. Thank you Lord for creating my parents. Thank you Lord for creating my wife's parents. Thank you Lord for creating my grandchild. Thank you Lord for giving my daughters' husbands. Thank you Lord for giving Linda and me a job. Thank you Lord for giving us the health we have and enjoy. Thank you Lord for America, for being free. Thank you Lord for sisters and brothers. Thank you Lord for my church. Thank you Lord for priests. Thank you Lord for all people. Thank you Lord the food we have so much of. Thank you Lord for calling me to your service. Thank you Lord so much for standing firm with us. Thank you Lord for creating life. Thank you Lord for love. Thank you Lord for being the ultimate in love. Thank you Lord for not being vengeful or an angry God. Thank you Lord for the Eucharist. Thank you Lord for wisdom, your spirit. Thank you Lord for my friends, your saints and angels. Thank you Lord letting me and my family see so much of this world. Thank you Lord for mountains, deserts, and all the in-between. Thank you Lord for Jesus, yourself, your son, my friend and my God. Thank you Lord for your mother, Mary, my mother. Thank you Lord Joseph your father. Thank you Lord for everything. Most of all, Lord, thank you for being you! Yüklə 1,1 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
|