A single year

September 8, 1988
What kind of day was it, I ask myself?

Do you ever ask the same question of yourself?

What kind of day is any day of anyone's life?

Was it a day filled with work, tiresome, and exhausting?

Was it a day filled with making choices for yourself and others?

Did you spend this day in worry about who or what you are?

Was this day an anger stress filled day of pain and hurt?

What kind of day was this day in your life?

Was it filled with joy, the joy of being alive, of living?

Did you sense that you had no control over what happened?

Did you give yourself over to the one who had control?

Did you really know just who was in control or did you think because you had no control, that another human who had physical power over you, yes, that was who was in control of your day.

If so, then you are somewhat normal but also very mistaken. For the one in control is the one who loves you.

And the one who loves you will always love you without fail.

Who loves you forever? The one who created you.

And the one who created you is God, is love is in control.

How did you accept God's control this day?

You say you did not realize God was in control?

Fine, but now that you know of God and this God's love for you, are you willing to accept God and the control of being loved?

If you are, your day will become even more hectic.

Your day will become even more full.

And you'll seem even less in control.

Yet your day will become a most wondrous day of life, every moment of every minute of every hour.

Your day will be filled with the joy if being loved -

And loving!
September 9, 1988
Yesterday the church I belong to celebrated the birthday of the mother of God. I am a member, a teacher of the Catholic religion. I belong to Jesus Christ for I was given to Christ by God my father.
Mary the mother of Jesus, my God - Jesus my Father, and yes, Jesus my friend, is a woman of great and special meaning to all who worship God. She is the mother of all of the people of Go just as real and in every way the same as she is also the mother of our Lord and God, Jesus Christ. In the same way Mary is the wife of Joseph the carpenter.
Do I worship Mary? What does worship mean? I would answer no I do not worship Mary. Do I love, honor, cherish, respect, and consult with, do I ask her to help me, do I ask for her intercession,…let me be very clear, yes I do.
Just how special is Mary? Well, the Lord God who created all things, well, this God chose Mary to be the mother of the son of God, God almighty. How much more special can a human be.
I made a decision today to let a dentist put me asleep on September 27 to have some very serious dental problems taken care of. I am afraid but I am also afraid not to. I guess I'll just trust in my God.
I love you O Lord and I thank you for Mary yours and my mother. I thank you for my earthy mother and for my wife who is in the next few months to become a grandmother.
Stand firm with us. Hold us up and keep us healthy. Let us do your will.

September 10, 1988
Parish Festival Day!
Wow!
What a day!
Linda and I danced and danced as did Father Ed and Sister Yvonne. We mixed and mixed and talked and talked and talked and shook hands. Now we are tired.
So many people gathering together, So many people working together to have fun, to help their parish, to love their God, and not even knowing that loving their God was what they were doing. Wonder if they would have had such a great time if they really realized loving their God was what they were doing, maybe they would have had an even finer time.
Stand firm with us O Lord and hold Linda and me upright. Please do not let us fall or fail you or ourselves. We need and we want to stand upright and straight forward with you. Help us O Lord our God.
We love you and accept your love.

September 11, 1988
Last day of the Festival
We are even more exhausted.
It was a beautiful two days of being with and among the loving and being loved by the members of this parish as they really tried to get to know my wife and me.
I sat in the dunk tank terrified of getting hurt, smiling and talking a mile a minute to cover my fright, and I am fine. Boy was the water cold and dirty and I felt groty even after a shower.
The people responded to me well and enjoyed dunking me.
I liked being a source of pleasure for people.
O Lord God stand firm with me and help me to be ok. I am worried about myself, dental, and physical.
Lift me up and hold me so very tight. I am trying to believe and I am afraid of failure. Hold me close – John
September 12, 1988
Once again I am tired. I just do not feel good. I have a slight fever. Maybe I just need a day totally off.
Today is my brother Patrick's birthday. I am not even sure how old he is. When he married he just stopped having me as a brother. I still love and respect him and wish him all the happiness he so deserves.
I had to deal with a woman today who feels she has been given no respect in her job for 9 years. It was my job to firm up her choosing to retire next year on her 65th birthday. She has not been given any supervision or job description for the whole time she has been employed at St. Mary, yet she never addressed this matter either and she stayed where she was, in spite almost of the situation. I do not understand that except that it was too easy for her not to move. It was easier to be put down, accept a paycheck, and just go on. It is too hard now.
I tried to be loving and yet direct and honest.
Linda and I went to a movie and it was boring. We ate lunch and it was yucky also. Linda and I are not communicating well right now.
Lord, it would be easy to continue in my misery but I think it is time to be ok. Here I am Lord, stand firm with me. Please pick me up with both your strong hands and hold me and once again reassure me I am loved. I am ok.
September 13, 1988
I am going to Mansfield, Ohio tomorrow and Thursday for a two day seminar on of all things asbestos. I am the designated asbestos person for our parish. I find it now somewhat strange but I am going anyway.
I will be back home late Thursday night.
Christ, you and crap!
Our first senior high program.
The title is probably going to scare the pants off some parents. I feel that it may well get the attention of some of our 11^th and 12^th grade kids. If I can lure them in, shock them into coming, I have a chance. Once they are here, wow, I really hope to give them Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ is real, is alive, is doing, juniors and seniors in high school are alive, doing, and real. They have much in common. Most of them think they must endure much crap in their life. Jesus certainly endured crap in his life. Most of these kids need to know that having crap in one's life isn't the end of the world. It's ok to have crap in your life. It is how you deal with that crap that may or may not be ok.
Jesus handled the crap of being crucified, spit upon, and humiliated pretty well. He did not handle the merchants in the temple so well, indeed he lost his earthly temper. The juniors and seniors of today lose their earthly temper a lot, more than Jesus for sure. They need to know it is ok to lose your temper so long as you pick up and get going once again.
I hope Jesus will find a way for me to let these young people know Jesus on more personal level. I hope I can somehow be an instrument by which Jesus is seen in a more positive and a more loving manner by all people I come into contact with.
Stand firm with me Lord for I am sure to be tempted these next two days and nights. Hold me close and like last time, do not turn we loose.
September 14, 1988
Mansfield, Ohio
I'm here to attend an asbestos seminar. It is pretty scary. It would seem to be almost impossible to know enough of what is law and what you should do. At times it is boring and other times I am fascinated and terrified. Either a lot of people are dying and will die or this whole thing on asbestos is a lie. Asbestos, aids, and how many other diseases! Mankind, living by man's law, destroying mankind.
As usual nothing ever goes just perfect. Our white Alliance has a busted boot and left front tran axel. It is very noisy. I hope it will make it home safely tomorrow. It will cost at least $250 to fix it I was told.
I almost fell but with God's hand on me, I only stumbled slightly. I am not happy even for the slightest stumble.
I must walk upright!
Stand firm with me Lord, protect me and help me! Please!
John

September 15, 1988
I made it home today and I am glad to be here. Linda found a place where we may be able to get the car fixed. I hope so.
The final day of the asbestos seminar was like the first day. Boring and frightening at the same time.
Thank you God for getting me home and keeping me from falling beyond hope. I still resent stumbling so much yet to stumble seems to be a part of the human condition. I keep getting up again and again. Is that also a part of the human condition? I know it is a part of me because of the love you have for me.
I ask you to stand firm with me and hold me up and not let we fall. You O Lord always hear me and I'm getting better at letting you love me.
Stand firm with me and hold me close as you can for I need no 1 want very much to be loved by you my Lord.

September 16, 1988
My very dearest grandchild,
I know you have not been born yet. I also know you are very much alive. Gigi, your mother, is keeping you safe until that day when you will physically be able to be held by me. I am really looking forward to that day.
Grandchild, I wanted you to know just how much you are loved not only by your mom and dad, who love you very much, but just how much you are loved by me, your grandfather and also by your grandmother, my wife. This is a letter of welcome. I wanted to be the very first to tell you, I love you! You see outside of your mother, I knew of your being alive before anyone. After God and your mom, I was the first to know.
I wanted to tell you a little about your mom and dad. Your mom was my first child as you are hers. There is a certain incredible feeling that a parent feels when learning that God has given them the privilege of being a guardian of a life. It happens not only with the first child but with every child. With the first child there is the incredible specialness of it being the very first time.
I remember Gigi's birth so well. I was so scared of losing both her mother and her. Gigi's mom had a super tough time giving birth to Gigi. If God had not wanted Gigi and her mother to be alive so much, well, everyone thought they would die. They didn't and now God is protecting the start of your life. Can you imagine just how special you are to her. Your mother is a combination of her mother and me.
Like her mother Gigi is practical, a survivor, a woman who can think for herself but most of all a woman of great love. From me Gigi inherited energy, a whirlwind of energy, the need to do, and the desire to be someone special. From her God, Gigi inherited the ability to do and be and to her credit, she does and is al she can be which is more than I can imagine. Your mother is most special as is her mother and I think all mothers.
Your father is still new in my life and yet, I feel as though I have been given another gift of life. You see I love your father and I am so pleased to have him as a son. Your father is not really conservative, you see, your dad just wants to make sure of what he is doing before he does it. It is one thing to be nervous and a little afraid and another to be paralyzed with fear. Your father has the courage to open doors when he doesn't know for sure what is on the other side. That makes your father a brave man.
Grandchild you are going to like your parents. I want you to like me and I want you above all to know how excited I am by your coming, and most of all, I want you to know I love you.
One final thing in this first letter and I am going to write you again before you are born to tell you about your great grandparents and even a little about your great great grandparents. You see you represent the end result of a whole lot of love.
This one last thing is most important and somehow I know you already know it. The one who gave you life, who called you by name before you were conceived, yes your God is my God too. Do not ever worry too much about man's law. I tell you clearly there is only one law. Live your life by that one law. I guess I should say, try to anyway. What is that law? It is the law of real and unconditional love. Before you do, say, or think anything, ask yourself; am I being a loving person? Grandchild you are a direct result of love. You were created by a loving God. You were placed in the body of your mother by a loving act between your father, mother, and your God. Your father and your mother existed because of the same love between their father, mother, and same God. And the same is said for their fathers and mothers. You are a product of love, you are indeed love. I am writing this love letter to you before you are even in your mother's womb for a full 3 months. You are very much loved and expected.
Well, I'll write again in a few months. Stay warm and healthy. Squeeze yourself once in awhile for your grandfather cause he really loves you.
I remain,

Your Grandfather,

John W. Flakes Jr.


S

eptember 17, 1988

I heard a man tonight at mat say that God had chosen all mankind to be his (God's) servants.
I was reminded I have accepted God's calling and I am God's servant. Most of the time I do not feel I am a very good servant. I think often I am drawing pleasurable attention to myself when I am being God's servant. In calling people to worship and love and serve their God, my God, I also seem to draw much attention to myself.
An example of this is my singing. God gave me a strong and powerful voice. God gave me a feeling in my voice when I am singing that brings people to God. It is at this time when my voice is uplifted to God and at its best and people are responding that I think I might be taking too much pleasure in what I am doing. Gads, how can that be> When I sing I do so to give glory to my God. It seems some of his glory always rubs off on me.
Well maybe the answer is did I sing to bring glory to God or to me? More likely when I sing and it is wonderful, God comes and dwells in me and God's glory in me is what is shining forth. Maybe I should not worry so much. God loves me and I love God and I am doing the best I can.
I just hope the best I think I can do is really the best I can do. I just hope what I do is a little pleasing to my God. I trust God and I have asked God not to turn me loose so why should I think God would turn me loose even for a second. Sorry God I was letting my human show.
Stand firm with me and hold me as you are holding me now, close.


September 18, 2008
What does it take to survive? Money?
Money could make life easier. Money could relieve some of the every day pressures of life. Can you survive without money? I think most people would say yes but not very well. I remember when we had nothing and did not know what the next day would bring. In many ways Linda, Jamie, and I did more than survive. We cherished each and every good moment as is there would not be another moment like it for some time. I think lack of money is what caused Nikki to run off with Andy. Perhaps there is some love there and maybe it is a love that will more than stand the test of time. I pray with all my being it is a love like that yet, if we had money enough Nikki probably would never have met Andy. I think Linda, Jamie, and I were happier back then with nothing but yet with everything. Money! I despise it and yet I spend much of my life figuring out what I would do if I had money. I have analyzed almost every amount. Do I crave it so because I have none of it? I believe that at one time in my life money was indeed what I worshipped. I knew who God was and I loved my God yet I had shut out God's love for me in the chase for money. I remember being poor when I was a boy. I'll never forget that I was so poor in college I had no chance to fit in. In many ways I am so glad I did not fit in. Had I stayed there I never would have had the wonderful daughters I now have. Perhaps there would have been a different Linda in my life and different children. It could not have been the same. God has become my money of today. I mean that now I chase God with the same energy I once chased money. God is also elusive but unlike money, God loves. God cares. Money was needed in order to have. Money was needed in order to survive or so I thought. God is my need now because I know God to be the only consistent thing in the world I live in. God is my need now because I can not live without being loved and God loves me as I am with all my many flaws. God is my choice now because I have been given the wisdom of knowing love. There is nothing else of value in life except love and God is unconditional love.
Money is nice. It would be nice to have money. I say, Lord God, go ahead and give me money now because I understand it is only a tool to be used to help those who have money needs. Money is not necessary for survival. There is only one thing necessary for survival and that is to accept God's unconditional love for one's being. If I accept God's love, I will have to try to live in love. If I try to live my life in love, God's love will shine forth from my being and when people look at me they will see and know God for I will have allowed the God within me to become visible. In being the visible love of God I will find life eternal and I will have no longer a need to survive for I will have found life ever lasting. Money can not buy life everlasting.

September 19, 1988
O Lord my God I love you!
Wow the most straightforward open and honestly frank conversation I have ever been a part of took place this afternoon between Father Ed, Sister Yvonne, and Linda and me. It was explosive and yet it did not explode. There was frank and straightforward prayer. I am awed by this happening. I did not think Catholic priests could handle such things as this. Father had a rough time yet he seemed to handle it quite well.
Where do we stand? I do not know bit it doesn't really matter. I think these people are in some awe of the way Linda and I work together yet we are each strong. Sister says we bring a most special thing to the staff and parish.
Now if only Linda and I can set ourselves together and stop this bickering between ourselves about the RE program.
I still do not feel right Lord. Please heal me before I go to the doctor's later this week for my pre-dental and mini physical.
I am worried about going to the doctor and about letting the dentist put me to sleep on the 27^th. It needs to be done. I have no choice.
Lord I think I heard you tell me to take care of myself before I got sick. Please Lord just take care of me. Stand firm with me and hold me up. Please don't turn me loose. Take care of Nikki and Andy as I worry about them.
I love you Lord. I trust you my God. Hang on to me.


September 20, 1988
I have some sort of flu bug. Linda is feeling less than competent and we both are wondering what is going on with our lives. Can we not handle a job? Most of all we are still facing the very same concerns we have had for some time now. We are a pastoral family in a church that says only certain celibate men can be pastors. I don't think we have the courage to find a new church. I am not sure we even want to.
What am I sure of?
I am sure there is a God. I am sure that God loves Linda and me. I am sure God has called us to be his ministers. I am sure that anyone who puts on Christ is in for a difficult time. I am sure that working with other people can both rewarding and most difficult.
I am sure I want to feel better. I am sure I want to be used by my God no matter what pain it brings. I am sure I am afraid of what being a servant of God could mean. I am sure I am determined to be God's servant anyway.
I am sure things will get better.
I am still expecting something wonderful to happen immediately. I am sure of it.
I am sure I love my wife and I am also sure I love my God and my God's people.
So here I am one more time Lord. If you don't get tired of me, well, I won't give up. Stand firm with me and don't let me loose. Some days I need propping up more than other days. This seems to be one of those days.
September 21, 1988
A priest of God died this day. A relatively young man died. I am struck by the fact that the priest I serve cared so much for this brother priest who died. He was a quiet gentle man from all reports. I did not know him personally. His name was Father Paul. He died from Aids. I hope he was a good priest. I know he must have seen a special man because ordinary men do not listen to God's call. It seems to me that in order to become a priest of God at some point in your life, you would have to try to really listen to what you thought your God was asking of you. Father Paul must have listened to God and I am convinced he was a special man.
I spoke on the telephone today with another young priest who I am afraid will die, Father Tim Kandel whom I got to know at Devine Mercy last year so very well. Linda and I might not have survived if Tim had not been there for us. Tim has seemingly been labeled by his bishop, the Bishop of Orlando, as a trouble maker, a non potential pastor, almost a non entity. Tim pushes the envelope from the inside out. The Catholic Church has a history of not loving people like Tim. Martin Luther and Tim might have a lot in common. Linda and I know what it is to incur the wrath of a priest in power, a bishop, or in other words, the church. It seems people like Tim and like us often get along fine with the people, God's people, and yet have serious problems with the bosses of God's people.
Lord God I ask you this night to gently give Father Paul a hug for Linda and me. Father Paul, on this your special day, Linda and I ask you to put in a good word with Father God for us. Please offer our love and respect to Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mother Mary, Joseph, the archangels, my sister Shirley and don't forget Cardinal Merry de Val. There are others; Aunt Alice to be sure. Father Paul remember Linda and me and now that you are where you can really do some good, please help us.
Father, I especially ask you to remember your brother priest, Father Tim Kandel to the Lord God. Time is like Linda and me. He needs God's firm hand to hold him up and strengthen him.
Lord God, I love you. Thank you for loving me. Stand firm with me and hold Linda and me up. Please hold us close and keep us healthy.
Thank you Lord God!

September 22, 1988
Today is my father's 71st birthday. Seventy one year. The first ten years are gone before you know they were there. I wonder how much realization there is in these first ten years. Maybe too much. The second ten years probably are spent coming of age. This is a tortuous process involving learning and feeling. There is much pain and hopefully some moments of real joyous being. The third ten years are times of feeling your oats. It is a time of being alive and it is the time when life long choices are made and sometimes made before fully being understood. The next ten years, your forth decade, 30-40 is a settling time almost a time when you allow things to ease off. By now you are mostly what you will be or at least so you think. From 40 to 50, surprisingly enough your life really begins a new growth time and change is once again upon you. The difference is now for the most part you have a knowledge of being a part of the change. Perhaps even you are the one who initiates the change. From 50 to 60 is the fullness of the new you, the more mature and fulfilled you. So to 70 is a quick time in your life. It is quick because you sense you are not 25 anymore and more importantly you know you will never be 25 again. This is probably the first time you really consider your mortality. The seventies bring on what you see as a last fading chance to live as you wish, free and independent. You spend time caring for your partner and worrying about the fact someone may have to care for you. It is a time of comfort because you can see the fruits of your life and a time of sadness because you wonder where the years went. The 80 to 90 period brings on the need to be cared for and yet somehow they must let you be useful. Can't they see you still have the need and some capability to be used? The next few years blur in a moment.
Until a friend you have loved and who has loved you forever invites you home and into a whole new beginning which will have no end. I am 43.
Stand firm with me God and use me and hold me up. Thank you for my father. Give him health. Let him know he is loved.