A single year
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October 4, 1988 The feast of St. Francis Francis was a man who loved animals, people, Claire, and God, perhaps not in that order. I didn't know him personally as he lived only a few hundred years ago. I feel like I do know him. Francis is said to have given up everything to follow his God. I think Francis would say he gave up nothing. Rather that he was given everything. Francis gave up Claire, a beautiful woman. Francis would say that Claire and he had a great love affair. Maybe not a love affair as you and I have love affairs, yet I think it was a real and torrid love. It must have been for Claire also is said to have e given up everything. For St. Francis and the Francis and Claire God. I think Claire would say that she gave up nothing including Francis. Claire would say of course she loved Francis until the end of their earthly life. Claire and Francis loved each other and they still loved and served their God. Perhaps theirs was not a love situation like we would think of this day but that in no way takes away from the reality of their love. Yes Francis loved animals maybe it was the fact Francis was filled with love that made him so attractive to the animal world. Maybe animals have such a simplistically whole love for God that made them so loved by Francis. Francis loved his God and was true to his God even when the church that ruled the time tried to persuade Francis to be in conformation with the church. Francis was a maverick and no one or no body could deter him from his love of God and God's people. Francis and Claire loved their God more than they loved each other. Their love for each other was manifested in the way they loved their God and the people of their God. Nothing took the place of their God. Nothing was more important than their God. I choose to be a little like Francis. I am no place near the saint he was. I am a man who loves and I love everything most of all my God. Stand firm with me and hold me tight my God. I am a one word theology person and that word is Love! Love is the same word to me as God! People always try to put a limitation on love. Human love, I agree, yes is limited. God's love is not human but unconditional and endless and all powerful. God is unlimiting and unlimited. Remember, love and God are always interchangeable. Love and God are never different or opposing. In love, in God is all the answer there is. Don't judge me O God, please don't. Please love forever as I know you do. John October 5, 1988 Last night a woman accused me of being evil, of trying to ruin this parish by excessive spending. She did not give her name and she did not dare do this to my face. She called our administrative coordinator and said these things to her recording machine and even said I wanted her job. I am not evil. I do make mistakes and I fall on my face. She also said this parish did not need a television lay evangelist. Could that have been c compliment? I took a fall today. The worse fall I could have I taken and I am still here. I still believe God will not desert me. I am tired, confused, and angry. Put your arms around me even though I do not deserve them. Hold me anyway because I ask you to. Please stand firm with me. This woman is neither an excuse nor a reason. Hold me tight Lord. October 6, 1988 Well folks, hold on to your hat. You know how worried Linda and I have been about getting our 6 months in so if anything happened to us, well, then at least we would have unemployment. Not so! You see this Diocese elected not to cover lay personnel other than teachers and school staff for unemployment. Linda and I aren't covered. I am angry about it, Father is too. He did not know this when he hired us. Maybe he should have but he didn't. He thinks we should have been told just as we do. If we had known we still might have come but then we would have known and who knows. If I remember right, we didn't have a lot of choices. So what's new? I think God is just reminding me, I need to depend entirely on God. Probably haven't been doing that recently. In fact I know I haven't and I am ashamed. Ok God, lesson noted and maybe learned. Probably not but I hope it is anyway. We're fine, stand firm with us and boy do I mean it when I say tonight, don't turn us loose. Please don't drop us. And by the way, Lord, heal my Linda ASAP. I don't like it when she doesn't feel well. Please heal her, I love her. I need her. You provided her as my keeper and lover. Please heal her and don't let her get any sicker. Please Lord! October 7, 1988 Sometimes in the course of a week many things of seeming ultimate importance happen. This is the kind of week I have had. It was good and it was extremely busy and it was a week that everything was very important. The axle on the car was fixed today and after looking at the old broken axle I wonder how the car managed to keep on running as long as it did. The axle that was broken was really broken. Now we need back brakes, at least it sounds like we do. O Lord, Linda and I are wondering about going for a ride. Going to see Andy and Nikki, and of course Jamie's ears. Jamie's ears are by far the mort important of all. Please take care of Jamie and only then if you have the time, please help us. Now I know you, O God, can do anything. I just did not want to seem greedy. Jamie is a special gift of life from you to us. Nothing is more important than your gift of loving life. Stand firm with us and help us in all we do. Thank you for holding on tightly this week. Let's have a good weekend Lord, you and us. October 8, 1988 We took a ride today. We went from Defiance to South Bend, Indiana. We visited Notre Dame. It was the first time we had returned to Notre Dame since Linda and I had been there for our 10th wedding anniversary and the charismatic renewal conference. It was still beautiful and very Catholic. There was a scattering of color in the trees but the fall colors had not yet blossomed. Tomorrow is the first 11th and 12th grade program. I pray it goes well. I feel out of touch and I am concerned. Father Ed reiterated yesterday that us having no unemployment is unjust and that he knew nothing of this fact before we were hired. I feel better about him but I am still angered and Linda is worried. You know about the camera and our pictures, Lord. You know we would like to see Nikki. Help us choose to follow the road you would have us travel. Give us actual leadership in these matters because we know enough to not trust our decisions. Yes Lord, as unreal as it must seem, Linda and I are trying to lean on you to make any and all decisions. Stand firm with us and please do not turn us loose. We love you and very much need your help. We accept your love O Lord. October 9, 1988 Well Lord, the confirmation and senior high classes got started this day. I was not at the confirmation group because that was Linda's group. Father Dan Dickman was the senior high speaker and mass celebrant. He was late and I had just started talking when he got there. I cut myself short and he took over. He was nitty gritty down to earth and plain spoken. He was great. It went well as far as I am concerned. Maybe Nikki is pregnant also. Lord take care of Nikki, I love her so much and I miss her so. I do not want to have my daughter married to people I cannot stand. I want to love my daughter's husband. Why did they have to do what they did? Linda and I did not deserve to be so hurt. Maybe we did. In any case we are simply and totally at your service Lord. What you want from us is what we also want of us. We are determined somehow to be your servants and we are trying. Maybe not as good as we would like, but Lord, we are trying and we beg you, do not turn us loose. Stand firm with us and hold us close. And, thanks Lord for helping Linda and me with this day. We really needed help. We love you. October 10, 1988 Sometimes I wonder. Who am I? I mean I really want to know. Am I really a man who is filled with love or am I a man who just makes up God as I go? If really were filled with love would I not live my life in love? Maybe I do. I know there are times I am aware of really trying to be a loving good man and then there are times I am caught up in fantasy. I am caught up in a fantasy world of wanting to be so good, I invent my. Goodness. Then I am sad for in wanting so much to be God's good man I am filled with evil. Evil then has turned my heart which wanted to do and be good into something else completely. What do I do about this? Can I do anything at all about this? Is there any chance I will ever turn loose of evil and allow God's love which is my core to shine totally forth? Sometimes I think not. If that is true however it would mean that evil can control that which is inherently good and change good into evil. This is not possible. God's good. God's love overcomes all that is and that includes all that is evil. Love is more powerful than anything and God is unlimited and unconditional love. So there is hope but sometimes I wonder if even God must get discouraged. Then I know clearly that God is never discouraged but indeed is always overjoyed at what God hath created and I am what God created. Stand firm with me and hold me up. I love you Lord and I am so glad you love me. October 11, 1988 You reach out And I am touched. Your spirit lifts me. I love you so much. From inside you leap forth. A new being is born. Even when I am not ready, You fill my being. Anger surprise gives way. I am filled with you Joy, happiness, exhilaration. A being is born Love overcoming all odds. Unconditionally risking Knowing I am not used to such: love. Filling my soul, my being. Risking rejection, coming anyway. My new being is born. I know not how to handle this. I never prepared myself to be loved. I know now I was created from love. Your being renews me. Now I see how special I must be. I know what it is to be loved! Two entities becoming one. Yet three are now present. All three are present in one. Yet I am still one. Love is unlimiting, unlimited, unconditional. All life comes from love. October 12, 1988 Do you know what today is? Perhaps it is an anniversary for some, possibly it is your birthday. Shucks today might be just about anything, it might even be the start of something new. Suppose you knew what today was, would you change what you had planned? Would you even delay for a moment doing the things that are taking place this day? Would it make any difference if you new what today was?
I know, it's just one more day in your life. That's it you see, just one more day in life. Since life is the most important of gifts, today might just be the most important day of your life. How can today be more than tomorrow or as good as yesterday? Is it possible one day is more than any other day? Does the quality of life change from day to day? It is simple to say who knows, simple and too easy. Life is more than living, life is being alive.
Are you more alive at certain moments than others? Does that mean you are less alive even dead at other times? If that is true every day becomes different and special. Perhaps the purpose of this day is to be fully alive. October 13, 1988 Wow! What a day! 6:00 AM – I had a meeting with Father Ed and 2 parish council members to work out parish council functions. 10 AM Father Ed got on me about something I had said about Linda Miller. 11:30 while getting my hair cut, the barber thanked me for doing a good job with scouts. He previously had criticized me. At 12 PM, I lost my temper in the school while being, I felt, unduly delayed in getting Jamie from class in order to take her to her hearing test in Bowling Green. At 2 PM after Jamie's hearing test, Linda, Jamie, and I gave great thanks and praise to our God. Jamie's hearing loss does not seem to be progressive and her test was hugely better than we had previously been led to believe. At 6 PM I met with the maintenance committee – It was a good meeting. At 10:30 PM Father Ed gave Linda, Jamie, and me big genuine hugs and said have a good trip…he'd have a different set of problems for us to solve when we got back, and so here we are on the throughway – 90 miles from Defiance at midnight. Stand firm with us O Lord We love you, we need you. John October 14, 1988 Well are at Nikki's and I am trying to overdo, overspend. It is the first time since that incredible hurtful day that we've been together…so far so good. They seem happy and poor. Andy's mother would seem to play a big part in their lives. Nikki thinks she might have miscarried. If she did, it was the cleansing action of a loving God. Thank you for everything, God, even thank you for letting Linda at least get to see Nikki in a wedding dress…id did not fit, but at least Linda got to see her in one. Stand firm with us O Lord. John October 15, 1988 We left Utica around 9:00 AM, bought Linda a pair of shoes and headed for Niagara Falls through Watertown, 1,000 Island Park, and Canada. We were going 65 miles per hour on the 401 when I decided to get a newspaper. We stopped at a place on the side of the road but the newspaper stand was empty so we drove into Gamanoque, Ontario. There was a sign saying boat tours so we, on the spur of the moment, decided to check out the tours. We ended up on a three hour, slow, beautiful, peaceful, tour of the 1,000 Islands. One moment we are flying down the highway, the next we are relaxing. We are spending the night in Gamanoque. ($25 for a motel) it was a nice, very nice day. Well Lord I think – all in all – our visit with Nikki was a success. Thank you Lord. Stand firm with us - please no unexpected surprises of an unpleasant nature, hold us, help us, we love you. John October 16, 1988 We got up around 7:30, went to mass at St. Johns in Gamanoque, Ontario, Canada and now are in Niagara Falls. We got a motel this time. ($35) This is a very touristy place but the falls are still beautiful. Our room has a Jacuzzi in it. We are tired and trying not to worry about things. We love you God! Thank you for now. John October 17, 1988 We're back in Defiance. Please Lord – if it is your will, - if it isn't, please, Lord, think about it – let things go well, super well, not that we are back. We walked in the tunnels under Niagara Falls, Canada this morning. It was awesome! We had a great journey, even the trip went fine. We drove for miles through incredible colored fall scenery much of today. Thank you God – for being our God – for everything! John October 18, 1988 Today Father Ed told me there had been complaints about my style, my personality. I didn't listen enough, talked too much, was too strong. He also assured me of his support but urged me to see and talk and listen to the man who recommended me to be hired, Mike Fabor. I am depressed and tired and angry and not understanding. Once again I am fighting for my life and here I have been as honest, as straightforward and as Catholic as I know how to. Once more I do not seem to be what is wanted. I guess it is time for me to admit I am just not whatever it is I am suppose to be. I like me and I think I am a good, likeable man. I am in the minority. Well Lord, if this is your will, let it be! I will not change from my prayer. Stand firm with me. Use me anyway you want. Please don't drop me. Let me do what you have called me to do. Help me O Lord. October 19, 1988 Today I put on the happy face. Today I tried not to let them see. Today my true self tried to hide behind the mask and the mask I hid behind, was the mask of life.
It hurts even more when the reason is who you are. When you love and act in love and are rejected, you are reminded of the Christ who loved all and was killed.
Yet there is a part of me that the Christ lives in. It is that part that loves and is rejected. It is that part that hurts so very much right now. Today I put on a happy face and it is the face of Christ. Today I really tried to be Christ and it worked. The part of me that hurts so much was hidden. The part of me that loves so much became apparent again. Thank you God for this and more. Stand firm with me my Lord. Hold me up so I might be who and what you have called me to be. October 20, 1988 A woman said to Linda and me this night, we're glad you're here. You're doing a good job. Strange because she team teaches with her sister in law who does not like us at all. I know she meant what she said. It really made us feel special…especially coming from her. Lord God, I have been so wrapped up in myself that I have not written about your for some time. I need for myself to rectify that. In your love for me and mine is the answer for us. In your love is the answer for all things. In your love is the hope of mankind. I am called to write about you, O God and I will. Thank you for loving me enough to gently remind me of what I have been called to do. Stand firm with me…let me know what you want me to do…be very clear for you know I tend to be somewhat deaf. I do want to listen, to hear what you have to say to me, and more than anything I am determined to be your servant. Thank you for having me. October 21, 1988 Jamie and I went to a haunted house tonight. It was delightful in that it was scary enough for little children, just right for Jamie, and super for big kids like me. Trust! Jamie and I trusted the people putting on the haunted house that we would be scared a little, laugh some and generally have a good time. Jamie trusted me, her father to protect her although she knew she would not need to be protected. Jamie expects her mother and me to love her. She doesn't question our love for her. She trusts herself with our love. She doesn't take it for granted, she just trusts that it is there and will be there. I trust in my God's love. I sometimes take it for granted but most of all I trust it is there for me. Sometimes our trust can be misplaced. In God's love for us our love can never be misplaced. Trust…that is what life is about. That is what was great about this night. What we trusted proved right. We do not have to prove God's love. I know it can be pointed out God's son died for all man to prove God's love for man. It matters yes more than we know or can understand but had I not ever been privileged to know of my Lord and God, Jesus, I would still trust that Jesus' father, my God, who is Jesus and the Spirit still loved me. Trust…I trust completely in the fact God loves me…and you! October 23, 1988 What is the most important thing in the whole world to me? I do not think it fair to answer in terns of one, two or three. I am not even sure it is fair to name these things for what if tomorrow circumstances change. Circumstances change often even faster than tomorrow. For me, I think I would like to try to name those things I hold to be most important in my life. The consistency of my belief in a God whose name I know as love. My God is the unlimited and unlimiting God of all powerful unconditional love. I know this God and it is supremely important to me that I not fail this God or do anything ever to cut myself off from this God's love. Because this is so important to me it is easier for me to believe I can do nothing ever to cause my god to not love me. This is the God I teach and I adore. Even if I did not know this God, this God would know me. There is no other God. I believe in Jesus Christ the living presence, son if you will, the total being of my God. I believe Jesus is my savior, my God, my friend and one and the same in my God. I believe Jesus came into being as a gift from the creator and yet, although I do not understand how, Jesus always was because Jesus is my God. I believe in the spirit, the wisdom of God which permeates all mankind. This spirit is the essence of God. The wisdom of love not as man defines love, but unconditionally all powerful unlimiting and unlimited love. It is this spirit that somehow gives me the strength not to quit but to always come back. I believe this spirit, this wisdom, has always existed and like Jesus is fully my God while being completely one in my God. I believe in Eucharist. Bread becomes flesh, blood, body of God, Christ. I would not limit Eucharist to the Roman Catholic image however, I see Eucharist coming always when request by gathered believers in God. My wife, Linda is the gift of my life and I love her. She is the consistency of my earthly life and the hope I have left for earthly pleasure resides in her company. I look forward to being happy with her, to traveling with her, to giving her a permanent home, to making her happy, to letting her know I love and respect and care about not only her body, but her mind, her being. Linda was God's gift to me in the most personal of ways. It is through this gift that I most have the chance to realize who I am to be in Christ. It is with Linda that I have the opportunity to most serve my God. I value being my God's servant. I cherish the times I am allowed to be his spokesperson. I am demolished every time I realize the more I do God's will, the more likely my life will be stormy. I am determined to be used by my God. I am so afraid of doing my will and not God's. God has called me personally and spoken to me personally and I will not, I must not, I am determined not, to fail my God or not to listen and do my God's will. I value my children and I look forward to their children. I want my children to be proud of me and I want to give them a permanent home. I want to help them. I hate to put this down in writing but it is true, I value money…Money because I can see now how I would use money, a permanent home, to publish my writings about God, to help my family, to help all people in need and yes because it is seen as an accomplishment and I want to be seen as a success. At one time money was the most important thing in my life and I am ashamed to admit it still has too high a value but I want to deal with what I hold most value in and it must be on my list. I value traveling and seeing and meeting people. I love to see what is there. I love to write and I want to tell people about what I have seen and experienced in this beautiful country I live in. I value highly my gift of singing. I treasure this gift and am afraid of one day not having it. Sometimes I am closest to my God when I am singing. Sometimes God allows my voice to bring people closer to him. Sometimes singing is the most important outlet I have for love, for frustration, for getting myself back where I should be. I thank you God for this gift and I beg you to use my gift for me. I value my eyesight for I appreciate seeing. I appreciate what I see and how I see and I appreciate seeing even when my eyes are closed. I am afraid of losing my eyesight but I give thanks for what I see and what I have seen. I value hearing. My hearing is suspect sometimes and I imagine it will not get better and that makes me value it even more. Because Jamie and Nikki have a hearing problem, I am more keenly aware of my hearing. Gosh Lord, I value life. Living is great. Maybe I feel things so personally and so passionately because I am so alive. Sometimes I feel life exploding in and from and about me. I value the people who gave Linda and me life through you. It is from them that I am. Thank you Lord. There are so many things I value but I think most of all, I value my belief in you O God! 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