A single year

October 23, 1988
Today Linda and I tried to hold a family day at St. Mary's. 4 families came and 2 stayed for the entire program. Father Ed was there for a short time as was Ken and Sister Yvonne.
Our parish is so busy that a family day is just one more thing for a family to do. I think much of what happens in our parish is so routine or is seen as so normal that nothing becomes special. Sister's adult education program really did not get off the ground. One night there was 1 person, another 6 people and another 3.
I tend to think if we shut all programs down for one month, regroup, and change our priorities, things would become much more special.
I do not know, probably I am wrong.
Linda still does not feel good. Lord heal my wife and me and make us whole and well.
I love you Lord. Thank you for all you have given us.
Stand firm with us and hold us up.


October 24, 1988
You should love the Lord God with your whole heart, your whole mind, and your whole being.
I think this is a very clear instruction. Part of me says it is unreal. That you and I should have to be given this instruction. After all who would exist without God? What could have been created if not for God?
How is it one could exist much less live and not love God? I am angry almost at having to be told I must love my God.
It is the most central part of not only my being but of every being that has life to love. All life is centered in love. There could not be life if there were no love. To love is the most natural and most central and most normal part of life.
Who would give humanity which was created from love in love and by and for love such an instruction?
The creator, that's who. Jesus gave us this instruction and did it to call mankind to what mankind is all about.
Jesus followed the one instruction with a second equally important instruction. You must love you neighbor as yourself.
Wow!
Now I have no quarrel with this instruction but sometimes it would seem to be somewhat hard. I can be most hard for someone to love. I have been so vile and so cruel and so unthinking, I do not know how my wife could possibly love me much less my God love me. I know there is nothing I can do to affect the way God is and the way God is, is love. God loves me no matter. If my wife can still love me and she is a human, then how can I withhold love from my neighbor? If God loves me no matter, how can I not love you no matter?
Love is our most normal state of being. Love is what humanity is all about. It is the absence of love that causes pain. It is the withdrawing from, and the withholding of, love that causes pain. Love, honest and true love of neighbor, God, self must never happen. When it does happen, it is man choosing to turn away from God and that is sin.

October 25, 1988
Faith, trust, hope…words my life is about.
Faith. I believed God has spoken to me. I know it and I could never doubt it. If God has not spoken to me, then who has? An evil spirit would not have spoken to me never to kill anything. An evil spirit would never have spoken clearly to me I should write, teach, and speak about the love of God and God's great heart. An evil spirit would never have spoken to me and told me to give God's people a drink of water. God told me personally to do these things. I know. I do not have to believe it because it is part of who I am. Is this faith? I do not know. I just know it is who I am.
Trust. I trust my God loves me. I trust my God loves me enough to forgive me and hold me tight even when I have seriously screwed up which I often do. Do I trust my God, I don't know…I do believe this to be true. If that is trust or faith then it is so.
I hope I am ok. I want to be ok with my God. I desire to be God's son. I know God loves me and I choose to believe I will be God's servant no matter what…if this is hope let it be so.
And faith, hope, and trust are nothing without love. Without love there is nothing. There can never be anything without love. Love is the core, the center, the essence of being. Anything that does not have love does not exist. I think that means that love is in all things no matter how they appear outwardly.
What is absolute? God is absolute. Love is absolute and God and love are the same. Nothing else is absolute.
Where there is love there is God and this is absolute. Nothing exists that was not created by and for God or by and for love. This is true and therefore all things created have God within. All things then must have love within. This would seem to be an absolute flowing into another absolute.
I love you God and I am sorry for my failures. Let Linda and I and Jamie lose weight and be healthy. Take care of us…please Lord.
Do not drop us as we deserve to be dropped but instead, in your love and the love we need so much, hold on tightly to us as we try to cling to you.
Amen!
October 26, 1988
I dreamed about finding some money, enough so I could buy my wife and myself a permanent home. I dream about a place that would be hers and mine and sometime even now, our children's and maybe someday their children's. Funny but it would not take $100,000 or more for such a place. For even $25,000 and certainly $50,000 such a place would be ours. It is a dream.
I dream about finding the money to put aside so that Linda and I could someday live in a motor home and go and see and be wherever we think we would like to be, only occasionally going home to our permanent home to rest. It would not take such a lot of money for this to come true, only about $35,000 but that does seem like it is a fortune right now.
I dream about being back in business for ourselves, working with and for people, providing a service, giving fair and good value and living a Christian life giving example. It is a dream.
I dream about the time I will be fulfilling God's hope in me. This will be a time when I help a large amount of people find their way to the love of God. I dream about God using me as a today Noah. I know it is more than a dream.
I dream about their success in the eyes of man. Somehow I know I am a success even if I have not yet fulfilled my promise. The promise of call my God is leading me to, I just know my God views me as a success. I know this is more than a dream.
I dream about choosing up sides with Jesus choosing one side and me the other…sides of baseball teams. I gave the Lord Ruth and Jonson, but I still have Gehrig, Cobb, Mantle, Musial, Koufax, Aaron, and others to choose from. It will be a great game. Maybe the Lord and I will even get to play. I this is a special dream and I look forward to it coming true.
I dream of Linda and me being young and happy and in love and loving each other and God. I dream of me being a good and caring husband for all of her life. When she is young, when she is middle aged, and when she is old. I dream of the two of us united with God in somehow a special glorious life of forever. I do not dream of heaven without Linda for without her I would not be complete and my God wants me complete.
I dream…
A dream is the ability to see tomorrow what seems far away today. I dream.
I love and I thank you God for letting me dream.
John
October 27, 1988
One day I will be free and clean and well and strong, and I will be liked.

One day I will know the joy of doing the right thing, and I will like me.

This day I will try to do what I know I should and could do, and I will stir dust.

This day I will do what it is God has called me to do, and I will not be liked.

Tomorrow I will hurt because I do not understand why, and I will still be who I am.

Tomorrow I will cry in anguish over being hurt, and I still will do what I should.

As long as I do not forget who I am and what I am to do, I will be more than on.

As long as my God loves me, which will be forever, I am not just ok, but fine.

These things I know and more it would seem, yet I worry still.

This for sure I know I am loved by my God and this strength is my support.

October 28, 1988
This day I felt pain and I caused pain. It was not a pleasant feeling.

This day I caused people to laugh and laugh. It was a most pleasant feeling.

This day was filled more than most with the extremes of life.

This day I was alive.

When I felt pain I hurt and my body ached and I cried. I did not enjoy it at all. When I caused pain not only my body but my being cried out in complete anguish and I know it was better to be pained than to cause pain. I was sorry to have been the instrument of evil.
When I caused people to laugh, my very soul laughed with them. I know the joy of loving. When my actions resulted in bringing pleasure, I was aware of my God using me and smiling with joy. I knew this was what I should be about. That is loving the people of God.
There were big moments today in my life. Moments when I hurt so much, I allowed myself to hurt back. I am not happy about all of this day. Especially the parts when I caused hurt. The times of living make this day seam bearable. The times of pain seemed most unbearable.

October 29, 1988
One more moment in my life went fast this day. A period of time that will be no more. Seconds, minutes, hours and now a day that no more will be. I wonder what I have to show for this moment in time.
Did I speak in such a way to tell people of God's love for them? Did I walk in such a way that when people looked, they did not see me, but indeed saw God? I wonder if I did anything of significance this day.
I know I helped people understand something this day. But what I just am not so sure. I held class this day on sacraments. Maybe I should have held a class on love.
I watched a town celebration this evening. I watched people celebrating their community. I saw people using an old traditional holiday to celebrate the life that their community has.
I attended the celebration of the Eucharist this afternoon. I sang and tried to pray and I listed to the Word. I heard much about who I am to love and who loves me. I wish I had seen more actual loving going on around me.
Perhaps I did not see and I did not feel love, because I was not opened to seeing and feeling love.

Perhaps I do not know the good I did this day. I hope I did some because I know this was too nice a day to waste away.

So much I want to feel, to do, to be. So often I come close to being and doing. If only one time I could do and be, and not worry if what I did and was, came out wrong but knew it was God and not me.
Lift me up O Lord my God. Hold me close and tight. Stand firm with me, O Lord. I am who you created and that is enough!
October 30, 1988
All humans and filled with fears. I am no different. Sometimes what I fear turns out to be of little or no consequence. So far this has been the case with most of my seemingly serious fears.
When Nikki left home on the incredible hurtful day last spring, it was not my worst fear happening because I had never feared her leaving. Indeed I had not thought it possible for her to leave as she did. If you do not think something is possible you do not fear that thing.
When Gigi was missing and Linda and I she was dead we were most fearful. We were fearful not at first because we knew where she was and where she would be. It was when she did not show up at where she was supposed to be that fear set in and invaded in the most real and horrible way.
I fear losing my job not because I would mind losing this job but only because I am not certain of what is next on God's list for me to do. Not knowing what is next or even if there is a next is what causes fear.
My rear end is hurting and slightly bleeding when I have a bowel movement. This is a new thing and being 43 years old, I have a sense of my mortality and I am afraid. Again it is the not knowing that causes fear.
I fear for my wife's health as she is very much overweight and is having difficulty controlling her weight right now. The reason she is having this difficulty is more than likely do to her fears. Her fears are as real to her as mine are to me. Fear feeds on fear.
I fear a meeting I have to attend tomorrow with the man who initiated my hiring here at St. Mary's. I am afraid because of my inability to sometimes control my reactions and I am afraid because of what I may hear.
It is when fear is so strong that one ceases to do because of fear, then it is when fear dominates and nothing good ensures.
I cannot allow that to happen in my life.
I do not have the strength to combat fear and that includes all fear no matter how small or how horrible the fear is. There is only one way to overcome fear. There is only one thing that can overcome fear. This thing is nothing I can make for I cannot make or create anything. It is something that I possess. It is something I was created with and possess for all eternity. I was created by and for and from and through love. Love dwells within me always. I was created because God loves me. It is because of God's love for me that I exist. In God's love for me is the ability to conquer fear. I am a forever creation. Even though my body must die and cease to exist as I know it now, I will never cease to exist for God is forever and a part of me is God. The most incredible part of this is that I am just now understanding this. You see, the part of me that exists forever will be the God part of me. The part of me that is forever is love. My love coming from and being a part of God is what is forever.

This love which is integral to my being is the power to overcome anything not the least of which is fear.

I pray for God to lift me up and cure me and enable me to continue to grow and learn and understand in his wisdom so that I may be able to really serve my God as his chosen servant.
Stand firm with me O Lord, I love you and I accept your love.

October 31, 1988
Halloween night,. Jamie and I went trick or treating. It was great. I remembered the years when Gigi, Nikki, and I had gone. I remembered the few years when all three of us went.
It is not the trick or treating I remember so well. It is the being out with my daughters I remember so well. It is the energy of walking for an hour or two in the public with other fathers and mothers and their children. It is this interaction of love that I hold so very dear.
There is something special about doing anything with a child. It is made even more special when there are specific good memories attached.
I never felt put upon as a father. I almost always felt and feel honored to be a father. True it is a responsibility, a great responsibility. I have written and I believe a child never owes its mother or father. It is just the opposite, a parent always has a responsibility for the child.
My role model for parenting in none other than God the father, God the creator. Think of all the times God the father could have vanquished mankind. Think about all the times God must have felt that man did not know God. If the parent could even abandon the child, God would certainly have abandoned mankind. Even more personally if a parent could ever abandon a child, God would certainly have abandoned me by now.
That can never happen. As I have so often stated, there is nothing I or you for that matter can even do under all circumstances ever to cause God to abandon or not love you or I.
This is the rule by which parents must live…any life that God blesses me to take care of as the earthly father of, I will love and cherish and take care for as long as I am alive.
Remember I am not talking about not feeling hurt or pain. All children cause parents pain. We the children of God have caused God much pain indeed we killed our God, yes nailed him to a tree.
That did not stop Jesus from loving us.
No matter the pain inflicted upon us as parents, the love we have for our children must never cease. We must never abandon our children even though they hurt us beyond comprehension.
Perhaps that is why I feel guilty about constantly asking God to stand firm with me because as my parent, my creator, God can do nothing else except stand firm with me.
That's fine to know and I do believe what I write, but, Lord, stand firm with me and hold on tightly cause I am a most selfish child.
I love you God and I thank you for being my God.
November 1, 1988
I am disappointed in my actions this day. Oh I did ok at times but I have a character flaw that continually pursues me. It is as though when things are going right the devil knows where he can get me and zap, I let him get me. Major things I would never think about doing wrong. A seemingly little thing throws me. Sometimes I think it is my nature but then I realize it is not in the nature I was created with but is indeed a human flaw. The question is how do I ever get rid of this small flaw and I must before a small flaw trips me up and I am destroyed.
It is of no consolation that I am not alone in having flaws. You see I know better. I have been chosen by my God and I understand the very nature of God which is unconditional and all powerful, unlimited, and unlimiting love.
I am determined to conquer this flaw. I am determined to set it right although I freely admit I know not how to, at least I do not know a way that would be acceptable in my present circumstance.
Lead us not into temptation! That is my cry and plea because I can be tripped up, I am likely to fall. I am weak.
Help me O Lord find a way to handle this. Lord I cannot handle this but you can for you can do all things.
Stand firm with me and please do not turn me loose but hold me close and tight and prop me up.

November 2, 1988
Well today was just that another day and I feel better about what I did today but yet, it really was not any different than yesterday.
I need to begin to address this soon.
I attended a youth meeting tonight at the Church of God. It seems their pastor used to be a Catholic counselor with the diocese's Catholic Social Services. He is charismatic supposedly and very good with kids. I found it interesting that Catholics would go to a Church of God youth meeting and that St. Mary does not address this problem. The problem is not that our people go to their meetings but that we obviously are not meeting their needs. It is somewhat strange when a Church of God minister is that popular with Catholics.
I have always said that as long as the message that was taught was about the love of God for us and that we should be open to God's love, well it did not matter who was giving the message.
They have a good group and a warm open church based on this one night's visit. At times I was scared because it reminded me so much of the Catholic youth groups that I come from and that I would like to help re-establish.
Adults, adult leaders have to be open to allowing this to happen or it does not matter who the leader is, it will not happen.
I saw a part of a Jr. High film at our 7^th – 8^th grad program tonight that reassured me that good Christian Catholic teaching is taking place. The film was on the unborn child and abortion.
Abortion is not something I can understand. I understand hurt, pain, and the incredible trauma of incest, and rape and I abhor such things with all my being. My feelings of abhorrence in these matters are heightened by the fact I have 3 daughters. Life is, however, the case and no matter the circumstance, life. If man could create life then man could take life. God is the only creator of life. Where there is life there is God. Abortion is killing God.
Stand firm with me and hold me and mine up. Protect and help us especially with Jamie.
Amen!

November 3, 1988
This day was the beginning of a renewal of our spirit. Linda and I began at mass and I then went to a business manager's meeting while Linda went to a staff meeting on vision.
I spent much of the day speaking and listening to men whose main purpose was to make and use money wisely to keep the church running. There was no prayer and I was not sure God was a part of the day yet I am sure these men thought God probably was present if they thought of God at all.
I like being with them and a part of their society because it is an exclusive club and I liked being a part of their club.
Last night I watched a Church of God minister use the old CYO concept for youth ministry in his church, and it worked.
Bringing young people together, opening with prayer, splitting into small groups for discussion, and returning together for a speaker, then, playing basketball, volleyball, or just socializing. Good concept. We need to get back to this concept.
I am tired and I know Linda is tired. Help is our God and help will be ours so that we might make it back and even go farther ahead in our quest to be God's servants.

November 4, 1988
When there is total and complete darkness, there is no light. There not only is no light but there is no possibility of light. Where there is no light, there is no way to see so there is no seeing. There is no possibility of sight, where one cannot see, there is a void.
Sometimes people think they live in such a void. It cannot happen.
Where life is there is light. Where there is light, there is the ability to see. In all life there is light for the light of creation exists in all life.
This light is never has gone out and can never cease to be. This light is in all that was ever created, all that exists now and all that ever will be created or exist.
If man exists in darkness, it is a self imposed darkness and will never be complete and total darkness for man was created by the light of love. This light, this ability to see, this in born spirit of being, this love is the essential part of life. There is no life without the light of God. Where there is life there is love and there is God.
No matter the depth of darkness that prevails in the world we live in, it can never be a total and complete darkness. It can never be a darkness without hope of light. All worldly darkness has some light and therefore is not real darkness.
In a given moment in time, a man might surely experience what must truly seem to be real and complete and total darkness. If a man gives in to this feeling of nonexistence, this moment of not being able to see, this intense time of aloneness of feeling, this man probably will try to end his existence. I say try because the light that dwells within all men can stomach being shut off only so far, only so much and then this light tries desperately to come bursting forth. Sometimes because of the intenseness of the given moment, man refuses to allow light to shine in any fashion in man's life. We know this as suicide.
For me there have been many moments in my life, especially recently, when I have felt I was entrapped by a dark dense wall on all four sides and in the ceiling. I have felt that I could not go on. I had no place to go, did not like any part of me. I have felt I have failed my God miserably. I have experienced the depth of knowledge that comes with great rejection, with great and almost total desolation, and I am still here. I freely admit I am here this moment not because of any great or special part of me but indeed because my God refused to stop loving me. My God loved me so much, my God refuses to allow me to shut out his love and his love sooner or later permeates my being and destroys the wall I am encased in.
Perhaps someone might make the case that I constantly seem to reinforce my belief in this God and I resolutely refuse to give up and just die. Whatever part it is of me that causes me to open up to the love of my God is still the core of my being and is the love of God that dwells now and forever in me.
I believe I will live eternally because of this love of God which created me and dwells within me. This part of me that is God, that is love will never cease to be. If it could cease, there would be no God.
The light that is God is the light of this world. There is no other light. It is the only light this or any world will ever have or need. In this light is the future of all mankind.
God is light. God is love. And love is light. Light is the ability to see and God is seeing.