A single year

April 21, 2988
Tonight Linda and I are to be interviewed by the people in Alaska for the job there. In a few minutes we will go over the questions that they sent us. These questions fair and it would seem that they are going to ask them of everyone they are interviewing. We are very much in an expectant mood. If this is not where you, Lord, want us to be, if this is preparation for something else, so be it. We are trying to be really open to your will. Hang on tightly to us and make your will most clear, dear God. With us: you need to speak very loudly because we might misinterpret your words if you do not.
Today has been a very good day so far. Linda got her glasses and they were about $40 less than I expected them to be. I won $50 on an instant lottery. I don't think I have spent over $10 on lottery tickets in the 3 1/2 months Florida has had a lottery. It was really a neat feeling.
We put it in the bank.
Yesterday we received a most unexpected call from a man in Ohio. We had applied for a church position there about 5-6 weeks ago and heard not a word. Yesterday this man called and spoke with us for about 15-20 minutes. He indicated he felt strongly enough about us to have the pastor call us and talk with us. He also said he would go ahead and check out our references. That is fine with us, Lord, as you know.
Lord, I really would like to think that the call yesterday and the interview tonight is a statement from you to us to continue to be patent, that you have a special place prepared for us where we can be who we are and who you want us to be. Lord, I hope so. I am trying so hard not to read more into this than I should.
Lord God, can you see I am trying to remain faithful and not waiver? I hope so.
Please God do not let us say or do anything that would embarrass you or us in this interview tonight. Please God let us not lie or exaggerate or do anything in any way that you would not want us to do. O Wisdom come and dwell in us in a clear obvious way this night.
Thank you Lord for the winning ticket and for loving me.

April 22, 1988
The interview last night went so much better than we had dreamed it would go. I think we made a very good impression. We were upfront, honest, and friendly. We showed knowledge and wisdom was with us. They said we would know if we got the job by this coming Monday or Tuesday. One of their last questions was very direct...do you really want this job? ... Well you know what our answer was.
Now so often in the past we have had reason to believe that we had job. We are afraid to believe, to expect, and yet we do believe and we do hope.
We found out this morning that the person Devine Mercy offered their job to turned it down. We also found out that someone new is being interviewed this day. It seems after all we were not even the second choice. There must be a reason why.
God, I know I should say that if we don't get the job in Alaska or anywhere it is fine. I know that I should have the courage and faith to say that whatever you do with us is fine. And, Linda and I both really do say and believe that. I think you understand how hopeful we are and yet how very much afraid we are. The fear is real of being rejected once more. I just know you have the right place for us. With your help we will wait for that place, wherever it is.
Until we here from Alaska, we will be trying to avoid being terribly tense. We will be tense and uptight and worried. It would seem that we need the wisdom to avoid all that. So Lord, you are wisdom. Come and dwell in us.
Speak loud and clear Lord. Show us and tell us exactly what to do. Lord, you most probably will have to physically lift us up and place us where we should be because we are trying so hard we probably will miss the most important of your messages.
Thank you for yesterday. It was a great and glorious day and we really enjoyed it.
Thank you for being our God.


April 23, 1988
1:00 am–April 24
I did not forget Lord, as you know. I surprised Linda and Jamie with a trip to Sea World in Orlando. I know we did not have the funds to really spare, but you gave me the fifty dollars on Thursday and we were all so tense waiting to find out if we are going to get the job in Alaska or not.
We had a really great day.
On the way home the clutch went out of the car. Of course we only have 176,600 miles on the car, it is really gone this time.
We were stranded on the Bee Line about thirty miles from my home and about 50 miles from my dad's. We were about a quarter of a mile from a correctional institute. I walked there and called my dad. He came and rescued us, thank you God for my dad.
You know Lord of all the anger I have felt for so long at him. He is 70 years old. He is doing the best he can right now. So how is that different from me? I too am doing all I can at this moment. Maybe that is the lesson you wanted me to learn this night. A person can only do the best he or she can at that moment in time. What we did yesterday is gone. What we will do tomorrow is up in the air. What we do right now, is all we should worry about. Take care of this moment and take care of every moment and that is all one can ask.
Thank you God for this day.
You more than anyone know our need.
I need to ask you O God, I know 1 shouldn't, I know I should just expect but Lord I may w have this job please?
I love you and I thank you for taking care of us this night.


April 24, 1988
If I cannot understand what happens around me, how is it I expect to understand the thoughts of my God? I certainly am not the first man to ponder this question, I will not be the last one to consider it either. Neither will I be the first or the last man to have an answer. It does seem arrogant for a man to think that he could understand the thoughts and ways of God. The angel Uriel once addressed this very matter with a man far wiser than the man who writes this, yet, I know I have the answer.
This answer did not come to me on my own. I could not have the answer unless it were given me. The only one who could give such an answer – is the one who is the answer and that is my source. The answer is not the answer because I believe it to be, I want to be very clear that I do believe it to be. It will still be the answer even if no other being believed it. It will be the answer long after I am gone from this world. Ezra thought the angel Uriel was seeking an explanation. There was no logical explanation to the question posed by Uriel, this answer to the ways of God is not an explanation there is no explanation to God.
God is and what God is, is most clearly love.

If Uriel asked me the same questions that he asked Ezra, I would say without hesitancy and filled with wisdom, God is not limited. Humans see love as limiting. Human love is limiting. God's love is unlimited and unlimiting. God is love. All that is of God is love. All that has ever been of God is love. All that will ever be of God and all things are from God.

is love.
It does not matter that what you and I see is harsh. It does not matter that our very lives cannot be understood, all that matters is that at some point in our short life, each one of us must come to the knowledge that we were created by and for an unlimited loving God. We must know that although each of us rejects this loving God, none of us will ever be rejected by our God. If man is to be afraid of anything it is the following:
Man should be mortally afraid of rejecting God.

Man should be mortally afraid of refusing to believe.

Man should be mortally afraid of not loving his God.

Man should be mortally afraid of not loving his neighbor.

The neighbor I speak of is not limited to earth or space, this neighbor is not limited by sight, sound, or smell. This neighbor is not limited to the ones we would choose to love. We are to love our God and each other and we are to love ourselves. This is the wisdom of God that has dwelled on me this day!


April 25, 1988
I sit here and wait for the call that might not come, still I sit praying for it to come. I know that the choice might be someone else. That has happened so many times now I should expect it again. I do not, I expect a call inviting us to come and minister. There is a possibility they might call tomorrow night. The hope I have is for the call to come now, this night. We have so much hope this time based on what was said. This is a place we want to go so very much. This is a place where we might have a chance to be all that we might be, and all our Lord calls us to be, and the telephone does not ring and the pressure mounts. Have we been rejected one more time? We get so close only to be rejected and yet we keep trying. Is it we are so blind and deaf that we cannot see or hear? That this is not what our God is calling us to be? Lord God if it is not, then you, O Lord God, must rescue us. We are trying so hard to be faithful and strong. I just know you can see how hard we have tried to remain faithful.
O Lord God, this possibility came out of no possibility, you alone could have brought this possibility about. Just the possibility would have given us some hope, to be a finalist, to be interviewed, to have it go so well. Only you Lord, we believe only you let it be. Now Lord we are waiting and so very scared. We know of your love for us and let our faith in that love 

has been tested and retested and tested even more. We have tried to say, do with us as you will, and you know we really mean it Lord Jesus, we really do. Could we have this job please Lord God?

I know I do not deserve it. Our only chance comes from your love. Your love is so great and unlimited, we need just a little of this unlimited Creator love this night. I have nothing to bargain with you for this favor my Lord. There is nothing I can offer that would be worth your love. All I have, Lord, is that which you created and, Lord, you do not create junk so what I have is of value, and Lord, I long ago gave that which I have to you. You know of course that the only thing I have is myself. There have been many stumbling and sputtering steps-have fallen more than I have stood upright. I am ashamed and truly sorry yet I am still here, please Lord let this be your will this one time.
John

April 26, 1988
The call did not come yesterday.
We are trying not to lose hope. There is tonight. The call will come tonight.

We are determined to believe. We refuse not to believe. God is with us. We have been faithful and adamant in our strong trust in our God's love for us.

We will not consider that God has abandoned us. It will never happen. God loves us and God knows what we need.
From our human point or view, we most desperately need to have a place where we can be ourselves and serve our God. We hope and pray that Alaska is such a place.
We are clear in our prayer, Lord Jesus, please give us this chance. Please!
We are so afraid. We do not want to be afraid and scared. We are!
I just know we have prayed as open and honest as we are capable of. Please Lord give us this huge gift.
We were sure you, O God, had spoken so clearly and that we would not be acceptable anywhere in your church. As much as we wanted the Alaska job, we did not think we had even the remotest of a chance. Then Lord, you stepped in and we were suddenly a finalist for the job. We were still afraid of the interview. We were afraid we would lie, we would say or do anything to get the job. We asked you not to let us do that. The interview was fine. We did fine, they seemed to like us and we liked them. They said they would call Monday or Tuesday night. They did not call Monday night. It is now Tuesday afternoon and you, O Lord, can see we are falling apart.
Come O Wisdom and dwell with us, give us the strength not to fall apart. Give us the strength to wait for their call. O Wisdom, O breath of God, O fire of belief, O loving son or God, O Creator Lord God; let the call come soon and let us act in a pleasing way to you. We want to do your will. We want this job to be your will for us.
Thank you for all you have given us. Thank you for being our God. Thank you for giving me a wife and daughters that love me.
I want so much to have my life put in order. My priorities are becoming clearer each moment. What is important to me is to be all I can be as a husband, father, and servant of my God. What is important to me is not just to give good example but to be good example of how to serve God by loving God's people.
So Lord I sit and I wait and I pray.
I wish I could honestly say Lord it does not matter about this job, it matters to me much more than I wish it did. It matters not only that we are given the chance to do it, but that we do it in a way most pleasing to you.
I have put so much pressure on you Lord for this job, I am sorry. I just have no one else to turn to. You are my God. You alone rule all existence.
I believe in the existence of the devil or evil one. It is possible this is who is who is manipulating me and my wife. The devil's power is like a butter pat in the middle of ten thousand suns. Your love is more powerful than ten million suns. Your love can cause anything to be and to be right. Even though I have not handled this matter well, your love will make it right.
I believe this with all my being. I love you Lord God, I love you!
The call just came. We were the second choice. The lady asked if she could pass on the information they had about us to the Diocese because they were looking to fill some ministry positions. I said of course, the lady said we had such a good interview that the choice was very difficult, she was very nice.
I am numb. I have to tell Linda.
I guess this simply was not your will, Lord. Do you not have any good news for us? I love you.

April 27, 1988
Funny isn't it how the day after is so much calmer.

You spend all that effort trying to believe it will happen, then when it doesn't, you are not even wasted. Is it resignation that no matter how closet, no matter how well you dot, it just isn't meant to be? Or is it the inner calm that tells you God has something else in mind for you if you will continue to be faithful?

I cannot for sure say what the answer is. There are times I am positive the Lord will take care of me. There are times I know God is taking care of me. There are times when all I have left is my faith in my God. There are times I do not know if my faith is enough. Sometimes I wonder if God has really abandoned me. Am I really now my own? Is this why my life is so confused? Then the wisdom of my God comes and dwells on me. This wisdom reassures me my God sees my faith and is with me. Wisdom tells me to continue to be strong and steadfast, wisdom assures me there is a tomorrow and God is with me.
We have no car and not enough money to buy a good car. We have no job and neither the credentials nor money to get one. We could start our own business if we had even a little more money. We do not like living here and cannot afford to move. If we can lie and get a job, we could make a good living. We can not lie because we have committed ourselves-  to being the best that we can by being open, honest, and loving. We are good ministers and have good references yet, because we do not possess the right degree, no job. This is not a situation we can correct in any way by ourselves. There is only one hope for us and that is the miracle of love, God's love for us is our hope - God will find a place for us.
We will be patient and we will not give up. We will remain firm in our trust in God's unlimited love for us. We will attempt to show patience and our God will see. Our God will not ignore us and will respond to us in love. Our God will come to our assistance and we will be ok. Our God will find a place for us and show us the way. Our prayer is the same, we slipped away from it last week, but be assure O Lord it is our real prayer. O loving Lord Creator God do not turn us loose. Do with us as you will and where you will and when you will. Physically pick us up and put us where you want us to be. Just allow us to be your servants and give us a place - where we can be all you want us to be and live as a family.
Amen!


April 28, 1988
I failed this day because I just got tired. I felt the weight of all the problems I now face. I did not start the day with the Eucharist. Most days that is how my day begins, with Eucharistic strength. This day I went to a car auction where I could not buy. This day I laid around and waited for something to do. My spirit was not even lifted when a priest called to inform me that his parish was leaning toward us. I believed him but I also know many others leaned toward choosing us but chose someone else and not us. I felt I needed to sexually dominate to prove something, what I long ago forgot and did not find in the acts. Instead I ended as always, more concerned about the one I love. Then to find absolution, I bought her sweets which we need not, so you can see it was not the very best of days for me. Then again I started to ask if I had had any good days lately, but there again the truth is yes, there have been good days lately. The excuse and of course there must be an excuse, is that I have had my fragile ego demolished so often in the last few months that I seem to have to find a way , even the wrong way, to reassure myself I still have an ego. I have been honest with my God and I have had faith. There are times line now when I wonder if there is any meaning, yet even now in my blandness I know fully that yes, God exists and God is love and God loves me.
I will not give up though I will it seems fall too often. I will continue to believe and to try to be the man I think my God wants me to be and I will succeed. My God will look down and see my effort even when I fail, my God will come and rescue me and find me the right place where I can earn an honest living by being all I can be and serving my God's people and my family. I am sorry for falling and I will fall less often in the future. You know, Lord,. I try so hard not to fall that when I do fall it is probably more devastating to me. I tend to dwell much too long on the failure when perhaps I should dwell more on the fact got up. I got up and I keep trying and I am getting better. Someday I will be the man my God has called me to be. I love you my God!


April 29, 1988
So often in the last few years I have had no choice but to ask and then accept from other people. If you ask and someone says yes, you must accept. If you accept even with no choice, you become obligated. Even if you pay a fare price, they did you the favor by selling, if you ask and they say no, always you are angry or hurt.
I am tired of having to ask and to accept. It is not that I am too good to ask and accept, obviously that is not the case as I have done both. I just want to be able to provide for myself and my family, all I need is an opportunity, just a chance. I know what it is to be competent, capable, and unemployed. I know what it is to be independent and have to depend on others. I know what it is to be angry, frustrated, and depressed. I know what it is to reach the point of being afraid to hope.
I want to think I am a man who cares for all men. I know I love the people of God and that includes everyone. There is not much left to I anymore, just what will be will be, and I cannot stand the loss of my identity, my being. It is like nothing I ever did counted for anything. I am beginning to believe I have embarrassed my life. My youngest daughter, my life, wants only a home of her own, My middle daughter, my love, has left because of my stress. My oldest daughter, my hope, tries so hard to understand. My wife, my all, does the things I am to ashamed to do myself.
How can a man have any self respect and have this happen? How can a man regain his being once it has been destroyed? How can a man put aside his failures and live, when everything he does meets with constant rejection? This man has not just tried faith, but has lived faithfully. This man has not just tried believing, but is a believer. This man has refused to give up and quit. This man does not try to pray, but prays openly and honestly. What is there left for this man but his belief in a loving God who sooner or later will rescue him.
This man is long past the limit of his ability to persevere, yet this man continues to try with all his remaining being. This man feels the hurt of having a loving wife and daughters yet, not being able to give them even the one thing he can. The only thing he has to give them is his deep love for them. They say it is enough, yet this man hurts to give them more. In his desperate efforts to give them more, he gives them less, for he sets so wound up in trying to figure a way out, he gets angry and snaps at the ones he most wants to love. Then this man feels even more like failure and is depressed.
It does not help for this man to realize that so many other men are in the same kind of situation. It does not help at all because his failure is all he can see. It helps so much the moments when his real being-  fights and screams to the surface and his love pours forth. Then he is able to give and to receive the love of all. It is just that no matter what he does or how hard he tries, it just will not work and he feels so very lost. I do not want people trying to help when they could help if they really wanted to, if they really wanted to. What difference does t make if I beg, ask, or pray to my God. I have been open, honest, and expecting and have waited. The truth is now I will continue to wait for my God and the reason is because I: have no other choice. My own inability to effectively bring about a positive change, is well documented as being totally useless. I would rather wait on my God because I choose to wait. I have chosen to wait for God and I have been patient. I still ask my God to do with me as he wishes. Do not turn me loose. I mean what I have written and said, anything God, it is ok. You certainly can understand my need to do and be, now.
O Lord God I am so close to final despair. I am so very close to just giving up. Can you see the strength I have in fighting this thing? Can you tell I am still your loving servant? O Lord I so hope you can because I am losing sight. Please restore me and strengthen me so I can be again. It is time for the angels from Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, and Uriel, to Aunt Alice, Shirley, and my guardian to come and prop me up. It is time for something enormously wonderful to happen to me. I am expecting the great miracle to happen. I am expecting my God's love to overwhelm my hurt and despair. I am expecting a job, a car, a home, and a way. To provide for my family and to be the man I know my God lovingly created me to be.
John

April 30, 1988
Yesterday I was near despair. Today I am fighting back and because my God came and stood shoulder to shoulder with me, I am ok. Mind you, I did not do everything this day as I should have, but all in all I am ok.
We bought a 1984 Renault Alliance with 63,000 miles on it for $1,500 and $102.75 tax and tag. It is clean, looks fine, and seems to run pretty good. Thank you God.
We sold our 1981 Toyota with no clutch, no rear shocks, bad brakes, etc. for $425. The young man offered $450. We took $425. We told him everything we could think of that was wrong with it and when he still wanted it, we sold it to him for $25 less than he offered. Thank you God.
Nikki called and seemed intent on trying to patch things up. We even talked with Andy. It was difficult for me because of the way he treated us while he was here. I forgive him but I wonder why I am still so angry and hurt at him. I suppose it is only normal for a father to feel as I do but wish I could just forgive him and love him for not only Nikki's sake but for my own well being. Thank you God for letting Nikki be ok.
Today is the last day of another month and we have no job yet. We have thirty-one days to find a job, move, and be ok. Please God find us a job.
Lord, a place where we could work honestly and do your will and be who and what we are called to be. Please, Lord, please hear this plea. I am so afraid.
I am afraid to be happy over our new car because I do not want anything to go wrong. I am afraid to believe that we will have a job because we have come so close only to be turned down so often. I have become afraid to believe.
Jesus, my God, this is me, John, who is saying this. I am so scared, I have sinned often and my sins are so great I am beginning to believe I am being punished by you. I know that to be a lie. You never punished anyone ever. You just love. I know you love me. My judgment is very uncertain. Please, Jesus, send me the wisdom that I need. O Wisdom come and dwell within me. O Jesus come and dwell within me. It is your crop Jesus. I am a laborer. Please send me to harvest your crop. Please find me a place to work. Please!
Thank you for this fine day.