Defining Moments

SEEDS OF LOVE


AUG. 17^th, 201-Journal Entry:

I sit here on my patio waiting for Danielle to show up. She is going to have a drink with me. I left our date early last night out of fear. It’s now 9:20 pm and she has yet to arrive. It figures that I would blow an opportunity because I was scared. What the hell? Oh my God. Danielle just pulled up. Later journal.

I put my journal away inside my apartment on the bookshelf. Danielle arrives at my apartment parking next to the pool. I remember smiling as she walked towards me. She came up to me hugging me. Danielle was even more beautiful than last night. We go inside as I feel my stomach churn like butterflies, knowing that this gorgeous woman was at my side and here to see me. We were going to spend time together. I love random thoughts because suddenly I thought, Oh my god what if we have sexual intercourse? Breathe, Breathe. It’s going to be okay, Kat. Thank you Lord, I am wearing matching underwear.

Danielle and I sit at my table in black chairs. The environment is calming, quiet and very relaxing. There was a comfort that I had not felt with another woman. We chuckle about my nervousness and anxiety. Danielle makes me feel safe as we continue to talk. I feel like I can tell her anything. I begin to hesitantly share with Danielle about my family’s abuse towards me. To my amazement she is very accepting and understanding to what I had survived. She was thankful that I was alive here today to be with her talking. I have never shared with another person what I had been through, let alone on the first date. Danielle smiles at me as asking,

“What inspired you to live?”

I simply reply, “My writing”

Danielle looks at me with amazement,

“Will you read one of your poems to me,” She asks. The poem that I chose was ‘Midnight Hour’. It was the poem that earned me poet of the year in 2002. The poem speaks of a woman that cries out to the goddess of the moon for true love to feel the passion of a woman. The poem was written when I was 25 years old for a woman that I had a crush one. The woman didn’t return the feelings due to her Christian theology and conviction of God in regards to homosexuals. In many ways, I chose that poem to tell Danielle, that I wanted to be with her.

Danielle listens intently to every word of the poem that I read. I could see in her eyes, her listening, taking in every word that I was reading. I feel more nervous as I continue to read the poem to her. It’s not every day that on a first date that I am asked to read one of my poems. Danielle softly looks at me. It was exciting to share one of my poems with someone that I was attracted to. Here I am sharing about my intimate desire to have this intense passion with a woman. The poem almost sounds like a pick up line.

Suddenly, I feel myself wanting to touch Danielle, see her smile and kiss her. I really couldn’t understand it. It’s an urge that was beginning to overwhelm me. My body begins to tremble at the very thought of Danielle’s touch. This beautiful Hispanic woman sits in front of me. I have always loved Hispanic feminine women especially with a particular body build of being vulperous.

I sit down in the chair next to her. Our sexual energy/chemistry between us increases. Suddenly Danielle leans over as her lips gently touch mine. I feel an electric sexual energy in our touch. Our connection is intense and overwhelming. Her lips are so soft, so gentle and caring. The way she holds me as she passionately kisses me ignites a fire inside of me. My God, I think that I could allow her to be intimate with me. I am so turned on sexually right now. Danielle slowly looks into my eyes,

“Shh, you are safe with me. I’ll never hurt you like the others.”

I start shaking because no one has ever said that to me. I whisper to her, “I’ve never allowed another woman to be intimate with me.” I look into her eyes, “please don’t hurt me.”

Danielle stands up, smiling at me. I become a little afraid because I don’t know what her next move is.

“I want to love you, not hurt you.”

She takes my hand as she guides me to my own bedroom. Danielle slowly begins taking my clothes off as she lays me down on my bed. Her hunger to touch my body intensifies as her hands explore my body. Danielle’s energy becomes excited, and very passionate. My body begins to respond in a way that I had never felt before. I think of the pleasure and I am thankful that there was no one here to rape me. There is this woman wanting to give me pleasure for the first time in my life. I feel every move of her body against mine as she sexually turns me on with her caress, her looks, and her soft whispers. The feeling is electric. Danielle looks into my eyes, whispering,

“I want to be inside of you. To feel you orgasm on my hand. I want to taste you.”

Suddenly I cringe at these words. The room seems different. What is going on? I begin to experience a flash back to my childhood. Danielle’s mentioning of being inside of me, triggers a memory, of my mother raping me as a child. Great! That’s all I need right now. In the middle of the most passionate moment with a woman and I am having a flash back of being raped by my mother. My mind tries to focus on the present moment. Danielle notices that something is occurring in me. I am afraid that if she penetrates me with her hand that I would react negatively because of the flashback. I try and focus on something in the room to come back to the present moment. I didn’t want Danielle to know about that memory.

“I am afraid. I am tight and I have been well I have been…” Danielle gently puts her finger to my lips.

“Shh, let me love you. Let me taste you. Let me bring you to life for the first time in your life.”

What’s going on? My thoughts are scattered. My body wants her touch, her penetration and her sexual energy that is igniting my fire. I am afraid as my confusion seems to overwhelm me during this passionate moment. My mother be damned. I won’t allow this memory to stop this experience. I decide to give in to Danielle.

I allow Danielle to penetrate me with her hand as I scream in ecstasy. I have never had an orgasm until Danielle. She whispers in my ear how sexy I am. She whispers in my left ear, how she loves the feeling of her hand inside me. For the first time in my life I feel safe having sex with another person. The sex is pleasurable, not painful. I am allowing someone else for the first time to give to me instead of me always being the giver. My senses awaken this woman in me. I scream in pleasure asking for more. Sex has always been an issue with me due to the torture and abuse of my childhood. In this moment I have learned of its pleasures and not its pain.

An hour goes by when I start giving Danielle orgasms. She scratches my back whispering, “No woman has ever touched me like you. Oooh Honey, you make me feel alive.” This whole moment feels surreal like one of those adult rated pornography movies that you would rent and I am in it.

Danielle and I continue to give each other orgasms for the next five hours. We are insatiable with each other. We explore each other’s bodies and the many ways of how to make each other scream in pleasure. At one point I had to make sure we were not waking the neighbors. Danielle kept screaming very loud in pleasure. The way Danielle penetrated me with her hand and at the same time stimulated my labia was mind blowing. Finally at 145 am Danielle said that she needed to go home to her children. I understood about her situation. The time had come to write in my journal about this mind blowing experience.

AUGUST 17, 2011-Journal Entry:

Oh my fucking god. Danielle came over and I had the most amazing mind blowing sexual encounter ever. I had my first orgasm ever in my life. What the hell? No one ever told me that an orgasm could feel so great. She is the first woman that I have ever allowed to fist me. I feel alive…Ooo I feel sore too however oh my god…it was mind blowing. We gave each other orgasms for five hours. She left at 145am. My god I have been missing out. I want more…phew. Okay Journal I have to go to bed.

The next morning, Danielle calls me telling me how she loved being inside of me. She wanted to know when we could get together again. We talked about the pleasures of the previous night. Danielle and I agreed that we were going to be monogamous and only be with each other sexually. We agreed to enter into a relationship with each other. She called me her girlfriend. After the phone call I ran around my apartment excited as I was thanking spirit. My life was finally afire with this gorgeous woman that made love to me and wanted a relationship. My mind was still blown over the previous night’s experience.
To this day, almost two years later, I still remember how I felt being with Danielle that night. My body and heart in many ways misses that experience, however I know it’s gone forever, at least with her. The reality of those emotions of sexual love awakened me. Danielle sexually brought me to a new level of understanding in my desires, my womanhood and how to love another woman/person intimately. In many ways, Danielle turned me out.

My body still remembers the nights with Danielle when she held me in her arms as I had bad dreams. Danielle taught me that love does not cost a life. Danielle even told me how special I was. Her words, her actions, her behaviors and her way showed me about relationships. In looking back I never saw that she was lying. Why should I have thought that she was lying? Danielle always told me and my friends how we were soul mates.

I remember one night in August, when Danielle wrote on my black board that I used for writing novels the following note,

“Dearest Kat,

You are truly awesome. I will love you ‘til the end of time.

Knowing you are my true love and I am yours gives me the greatest pleasure.”

I remember telling Danielle how beautiful her words were. She responds, “You and I are soul mates.” The message seemed to have echoed forever that we would love one another. It was a dream that I had for 30 years - which I could be loved. I could be like everyone else. My past was over. In my thoughts, I had won even if I was raped, tortured and sold into prostitution by my own mother. My mother took pleasure in my pain. Finally, I could have what everyone else had, true love. What a blessing I thought. For the first time in my life I have a family. I always asked the universe for the great true love of my life.
Two years later, I would see the strange irony in my manifestation regarding true love. I didn’t realize it at the time. It would only be in hindsight that I would realize the nature of what I had manifested to the universe. One has to be careful of their manifestation particularly in the details. I had the universe for a great true love that would change my life forever. I never thought about asking universe for my true love to love me back. I only asked to have a great true that would change my life forever. I assumed by asking for a true love that the true love would feel the same. I would discover that the answer was no. One has to ask and be specific in their manifestation.

THE VOWS
SEPTEMBER 7^th, 2011: JOURNAL ENTRY

“I submitted to Danielle tonight as a sign of love and then she surprised me and submitted to me. We both got on our hands and knees and submitted our souls, our eternal love to one another. And we said these vows in front of spirit. She really loves me to honor spirit like that. While in bed she asked me to become a part of her family by proposing to me and I said yes. Whoa holy shit! I said yes. Okay who I love it! Danielle told me that she can see what I see through my eyes. It was so powerful that there are hardly any words to describe it. I feel Danielle in my soul. We said vows and promises to one another. We said these vows in front of spirit. I feel so alive, so complete with Danielle at my side. For the first time in my life I do not have to hide. I can be me and she accepts me. She understands what horror I went through and she accepts me. Thank you journal.”

Danielle and I use to have this ongoing joke about coffee. The first couple times I invited Danielle over to my apartment for coffee, we always seemed to miss the coffee all together and become intimate with one another! One of the times that we missed coffee, Danielle asks me, as she was laying on top of me, smiling, looking into my eyes,

“When are you going to take me on a real date woman?” She was right. A woman needs romance. I immediately began the planning!

The next day at work, I told the managers at my restaurant,

“You need to come in early because I have plans with my girl in a couple of days. Can you help me out?” I asked. The managers agreed to let me leave early on September 7^th, 2011.

It was September 5^th. I had two days to pull this all together. The first step was to figure out what I needed to make for dinner. I had no clue as to what to make so I began to ask around. Danielle had no idea what I had planned for her. Neither did I.

Danielle and I always instant messaged each other every night. It was a ritual of connection due to the hours we kept with our jobs. Danielle was a catering captain for a prominent company here in San Antonio, Texas. I was a restaurant manager that worked 12 hour shifts at the I Restaurant. Only General Managers worked the day shifts from 6 am to 6 pm. I worked the night shift from 6 pm to 6 am. Text messages and hidden phone calls to one another was our way of staying connected. I also wrote journals to Danielle. She had asked me to write her letters in journals and when we would meet, she would take them and read them at home. She said it was our way of staying connected during the times that we could not be together.

I remember Danielle was so excited about having dinner with me on the 7^th... On September 5^th, 2011, Danielle made mention of it in her text messages to me that night.

Kat: I will...knowing I will see you. :) :) can’t wait to hold you and see your eyes sparkle. 

Danielle: To be in your arms, to hold you, to kiss you I cannot wait!

Kat: I feel your energy

Danielle: To feel you as well!! I need you.

The text messages inspired me at a job that was slowly getting to me due to the long hours. I had to do something special for this woman. I wanted Danielle to experience how special she has made me feel. I felt alive because in my eyes she truly brought me to life and showed me that I could love another person. I decided to cook dinner and buy over a hundred rose pedals placing the rose pedals on the ground from the parking lot where she would park her truck to my apartment to every room in the apartment. The theory was to let Danielle know that for every step that she took that she was loved by me. I decided that I was going to get on my hands and knees submitting to Danielle as a sign of my undying love to her. It was my way of proposing to her. I was in love with Danielle. What a feeling

During the time that I was preparing for this special night, I knew and worked with a server named Lena. She was a server that pulled no punches. We were the graveyard people, the warriors of the night. Lena was a stocky, yet well built tattooed woman that even had a tattoo on her face. Lena was very street wise and knew how to handle her customers. No one ever messed with Lena including the drunks. Lena and I often talked about Danielle. Lena gave me the recipe and taught me how to make chicken parmesan in the restaurant.

Lena asks me,

“Why do you want to do this Boss Lady? “

“All her life she has looked for that one true love and has told me that she has found it in me. Now I’ll show her how beautiful she is. I’ll place rose pedals on the ground so that for every step that she takes she knows that I love her and she is loved.”

Lena looks at me, “Damn Boss Lady, I want to date you now.”

Lena and I spent days going over how to make the dinner from scratch. Lena often commented that Danielle had brought out the softer side of me. Lena often remarked that whenever I had thought of Danielle, I smiled. There was a certain sparkle in my eyes. Lena said she had never seen me smile,

“You were a bitch Boss Lady till Danielle entered your life.”

“Tell me how you really feel jeez!” I respond.

Lena was right. Before Danielle entered my life, I vowed to never love anyone or let them in. My childhood taught me that if I allowed somebody into my heart that they would hurt me. I didn’t want to go through that kind of pain again. I remember Lena telling me,

“Boss Lady, life is about the experience and you must trust that Danielle is here to show you how it feels to be in love. Trust that Danielle will love you forever. She’s good woman. You told her about the abuse and she didn’t “I run,”

“I know,” I remark.

“She embraced you, Boss Lady” Lena said.

“I know it’s just I know how people are. I don’t want to disappoint her.” I said.

Lena looks at me,

“Because you don’t know certain things like what it is like to have a Christmas or celebrate your birthday. Watch she will surprise you for your 40^th in July next Year and you will be amazed.”

I sigh with high hopes,

“I hope that you are right. I don’t know if I can survive any more pain.”

Lena smiles at me,

“Boss Lady, you’re tough. You are a strong woman. We always stand up.” Lena gives me a letter. I stand there looking at Lena,

“What’s this?” I ask.

“Just read it and give it to Danielle. I am intuitive and she will understand that you and her are meant to be together.” I open the letter and it reads,

Hey Danielle,

I’m sorry for your grandma’s health state, I am praying for

you and your family. Keep your head up. I would love to extend

my hand to you in friendship. Our paths were meant to cross.

We need to get together with our children and have a play date.

I have some daughters and imagine you have great kids as well. I think you, me, and Kat and all the kids might be a lighter way to introduce Kat to your family so they can adjust. This time in your

life is a real change and you have great things ahead of you with Kat. Embrace them and honor them. Kat will love you forever,

Your friend,

Lena

The day finally arrives for Danielle’s surprise dinner. A few hours prior to the dinner, I suddenly realize, oh my god, Danielle loves monkeys. In a quick dash, I drive to a local retail store named Saving Mart. I went down the aisles and couldn’t find a stuffed monkey. Irritation sat in as I wanted this night to be perfect for the woman that I loved. I wanted her to know that I would do anything for her. I went up to an older Hispanic woman. I remember seeing the shiny cross necklace around her neck.

“Ma’am do you know where I can find the stuffed monkeys?” I asked.

“In the children’s isle. Are you buying the monkey for your child?” She asks. I look at her oddly, because I was in a rush and she wanted small talk.

“No. It’s for my girlfriend. I am having this romantic dinner with her tonight,” I reply.

The woman became irate and angry.

“PEOPLE like you disgust me”, she shouted, walking off.

Shock sat in as I thought wow, really? Even in the 21^st century there is still hatred towards homosexuality. I was angry as I searched for the next clerk. I yelled at the next clerk however backed up when I realized that it was not her fault for what the prior clerk had said to me.

“Will you please help?” I ask. I explain to the clerk what I was trying to do for my girlfriend. The woman guides me to the isle with the stuffed monkeys, smiling and turns to me.

“Your girlfriend is a very lucky woman. I wish all women

were like you. You amaze me.” I thank the clerk.

Inside of me, I knew that this event would brew. I didn’t have time to process it entirely. Time was running out before Danielle was to be at my apartment. Quickly I drove back to the apartment and began the preparations. Everything was set including the letter that Lena had given to me for Danielle. Lena’s letter to Danielle was very sweet.

I lit the apartment up with candles. Danielle enters amazed. The gleam in Danielle’s eyes spoke volumes to me. I had prepared the dishes and the meal. I decided to submit to Danielle.

I got down on my hands and knees, saying,

“From all the elements of earth and all that I am, I forever

submit my love to you. I will honor you, love you and

show you the beauty through the dark times. When you can’t stand I will be right there holding you. I will protect you, and love you.”

Danielle reaches down, picking me up, kissing me passionately. Tears fill Danielle’s eyes. I am truly in love for the first time in my life. We sat down on my floor and have dinner. Danielle smiles at me during the candlelight dinner.

“I’ve never had anyone submit to me or have such a romantic dinner.” My thoughts run rapid as I was the one she had always been searching for. We look into each other’s eyes.

“I have desert” I say with a coy look in my eye.

Danielle smiles at me responding,

“I want my desert now” Danielle states a matter of factly.

I smile,

“Really now? What desert do you speak of my lady?”

Danielle stands up, taking me to my bedroom. The hours of intimacy was once again a fulfilling pleasure that I only felt with her. Danielle was fully aware that I had never allowed other women to pleasure me because that would mean that they could get close to me.

Danielle suddenly surprises me when she gets off the left of my bed. Danielle kneels on her hands and her knees on the floor submitting to me. Danielle’s long black hair flows over her shoulders. The way she looks at me is filled with full love.

“I, Danielle, submit to you, my true love and soul mate, Kat. You are my wife, and I promise to love you forever and to stand next to you. I take you to be my wife.” My heart jumped having this beautiful woman at my side as my wife and companion. It was so romantic how she was on her hands and knees. Danielle asked me to be her wife.

I immediately said yes, crying. Danielle and I exchange vows to one another. I remember Danielle looking into my eyes,

“This is our night, our wedding. My committeemen to you, my true love and soul mate.” In many ways it was our own private commitment ceremony. Our witness was each other and spirit/universe.

Danielle and I hug one another. Once again we make love to each other. She calls me out as her wife during her orgasms. A few hours pass as we were talking. I begin to reflect back on my own life as a child. There were so many times that I had wished for better experiences than what I had. Now this experience has changed everything. I am in love and she is in love with me. I never knew love could feel like this. Now I was able to give to someone else something, my love and my love would be returned. I felt alive, excited and amazed, even though we were only together for three or four hours that night. In my heart of hearts I had truly given joy to someone else. I showed them how they could be loved and should be loved.

Danielle and I hold each other in bed. We talk for hours as I openly tell her more about my childhood trauma and abuse. Danielle grows angry at how I was hurt and vows to me that she would protect me at all costs. She looks into my eyes and promises that she would always be there for me. Her eyes were so comforting. When I am in her arms, my past seems like an echo. Danielle remarks on how I love so deeply.

“I am so amazed how you can love so deeply even through the horrors that you have seen as a child. I love how you love me and the orgasms that you give me. I truly feel alive by your touch.”

Danielle’s words reminded me that when I was growing up I never saw that kind of love. I only saw the cruelty, beatings, rape sand oftentimes death of animals and people. At an early age, I vowed to myself that I would never ever become the evil son of bitches that had raised me. Every night I prayed to Spirit to please keep me alive and give me strength to endure so that I can keep my promise to Sara. I wanted to reach out to others as an adult and show them that people like me who went through what I did, are good people. I was honored to be with Danielle and that she was with me.

The night that Danielle and I exchanged vows with each other impacted me on a deep level. The ideology of marriage and exchange of vows are very sacred to me. I had truly thought at the time that I had reached greatness in my life. This moment always holds an emotional charge for me when I was writing this memoir because it hurts deeply. I often thought how can a person be so cruel to exchange vows with someone, make a promise and then abandon the one they love? The reality is that this event triggered my own abandonment issues from childhood and that I was rejected as a daughter. I was used as an object that in my mother’s eyes was only meant as a playground of abuse. Today, two years later, I have come to terms with this event. I have also accepted that some questions don’t have answers.