Defining Moments

THE MEDITATION

The spiritual quest never occurred. The next step into the spiritual aspect was a deep meditation. Meditations have been good in establishing a quietness of the mind body and soul. The meditation in theory could reach the spiritual essence of Danielle because of our connection. The logical connection was that the meditation would somehow provide answers

My sorrow was beginning to trigger memories of my abuse as a child. The attempt to reach Danielle resulted in a flash back on actual events that happened to me when I was a child. The only difference is that I was standing there observing with a dance instructor that I had considered a mentor in the past. The candles are lit and shamanic music plays. Half an hour passes and suddenly the meditation sends me on a flashback. This flashback was different because I am the observer. Fear started to set in my heart.

I am standing over a 10 year old white child, with curly red hair. She is dirtied and crying, shackled by her wrists and legs. I knew this place. It was the canyons in Mocking Bird Canyon in Riverside California. My heart began racing. Oh my God! The reason I could not reach Danielle is that I am really dead. I never made it to adulthood. How rude. Why didn’t anyone send me a fax or text that I was actually dead? No one told me. I never made it. NO!! This goes beyond cruelty. I started screaming when a woman walks up to me. It was my dance instructor, Gina Hasly.

Hasley is 50 years old, white and short blond hair. She always reminded me of Judi Dench. When Hasley taught me dance she became a mentor to me in so many ways. I always regretted that I never truly said good bye to her. She hated my ex wife whom made me disconnect from everyone and my passion.

“Shhh. You are not dead. You made it. You are being shown through your meditation why you must stand and why you are here to help others.”

“What is this? Why am I reliving this horrible experience?” I ask.

Gina steps up next to me,

“Your sorrow goes deep into your soul. When Danielle left you,

and rejected you it triggered your emotional self. You are reliving your past in your meditation so that you might heal and move forward.”

I step back in horror. There was no way that I was dead. I kept thinking how cruel it would have been if I was dead.

“No No this is wrong. I have dealt with my past.” I said.

“No child you merely built a wall. Now you will see your strength.” Gina said.

What I am about to tell/share with you the reader is very intense. This is not for the meek of heart. It is very graphic in nature based on actual events of what happened to. I begin shaking as another flash back occurs.

In September of 1982, I was ten years old. Kendra my mother had shackled me to the ground in a satanic ceremony. A child is about to be raped and tortured. I am that child. Various men come up to me slapping me.

“So bitch where is your fucking God, now? Where is your Jesus Christ?”

“In me, I will not bend to you. I believe in my God, Jesus the savior and no other God shall I place before me.” I cried.

“Wrong answer, bitch.” Kendra yells.

Kendra walks up to me smiling.

“Electrocute her!”

The men take cattle prods and begin electrocuting me. I fall to the ground gasping for air. The men raise me back to my knees laughing. I remember the volts of electricity surging through my body. I remember shaking. I begin to pray in my head.

“My Lord is my shepherd. I shall walk through the valley

of the shadow of death. I shall hear no evil, I shall speak no evil.”I cry.

Blood begins to come out of my mouth as Kendra smiles, laughing. “Open her mouth. Blood will feel good on one of your dicks.

Stick your dicks in her mouth so she will remember how her Christ left her here to be taken by us.” Kendra yells.

Kendra shakes her head laughing,

“By the time we are done, no one will want to touch you. You shall be

seen as different, a reject. Who would want you as a friend or lover? You are tainted. Perhaps you should have chosen to die when I skinned your white wolf alive. He screamed and howled as I ripped his skin off his body and ripped his heart. Though I did like the part where I bathed you in his blood and made you wear

his body.” Kendra states.

“No please,” I am screaming in pain.

Kendra just stares at me,

“Talking to the wrong person, perhaps Jesus will save you,” Kendra

laughs.

The men open my mouth and the one male sticks his dick into my mouth ejaculating into my mouth. A few minutes later I vomit the semen up. The hours of torture continue as each man takes his turn ejaculating in my mouth. At midnight Kendra grew tired of me not submitting to her.

She grabs my chin,

“This will be all over if you just submit to me, reject your God

and say that I am your goddess. You will agree to continue my work,” Kendra states.

I look at her,

“By hurting others ?” I asked gasping.

“Yes that is true power,” Kendra responds.

“No. Kill me,” I beg.

I could feel the semen in my stomach; the feeling of being violated. I thought to myself that no one will ever want to touch me if I ever made it to be an adult. Kendra pulls out a knife. One of the males drops my right side of my body.

“What are you doing?” the male asks.

“I am going to cut her throat so she can never speak,” Kendra replies.

Kendra walks behind me slitting my throat. I begin choking on blood when another Man named Jim interferes. Jim is 40 years old with a receding brown hairline. He was Kendra’s boyfriend. He jumps on Kendra.

“You crazy bitch. Joe said torture not kill,”

He immediately wraps my throat up with a blue plaid long sleeve shirt. Jim drags me away. For three weeks I could not speak. Afterwards my vocal cords healed however to this day my voice is deep.

Suddenly I look at Gina

“Take me out of this mediation. This flashback. I lived this once. I don’t need to be reminded.”

A white wolf appears next to me. It was the white wolf that I had when I was six.

“Then step out of your sorrow. Your heart break is causing you to remember what you went through as a child,” Gina stated.

I step back and starting yelling,

“Danielle, Danielle”

Gina grabs me and started hugging me,

“Kat, please forgive yourself. Danielle left because of her own agenda. Not because you failed. The time for you to flourish is now.”

I looked at the white wolf.

“Wolfee, I am so sorry,” I cry.

“Child, I love you, love yourself. Remember the necklace the shaman gave you. My time with you is over. Give the necklace to a woman, an elder. She will have a similar background as you. Its time you show her that she is loved by Spirit as we have loved you,” wolfee states.

I look at Gina, who smiles,

“For your information, Jesus was right next to you giving you grace so you will live. Now teach others through your words.” Gina said.

I woke up in a sweat, and crying. Oh my god I cried all night after that meditation. What does this mean? This is the most intense meditation I have done since I was 20 when I was first taught to be a shaman. I decide to call Henry.

“Kat, don’t you understand, spirit saved you from death?” Henry states.

“Like I am not dying, now, really? Shit, I am reliving my memories.

Why?” I ask.

Henry and I talk about the meditation and how it felt like to relive the memory of my throat being slashed during a rape.

“Shit I fucking relived that whole memory of what Kendra did to me the night she had all the guys’ gang rape me. Really? Why? I asked spirit for an answer to reach Danielle. But no, Spirit made me relive my past.” I state angrily.

“Because when Danielle left you it triggered your memories;

particularly your sorrow that you still carry. You have never been truly loved before and when Danielle left you, you were sent back to when you were a child,” Henry responds.

“Now what?” I ask.

“Let go of your sorrow, cry and stand up. I love you and always have.

You taught Me to become the man I am today. It’s time. You asked for hero. Spirit, your beliefs, Jesus just became your hero. Let go and stand up.”Henry said.

I remember sitting down in my living room. Henry was absolutely correct. In my sadness I began to relive the sorrow of my childhood particularly those memories where Kendra said that I would never be loved. What have I done? I know firsthand that I was grieving. This was never about me. It was like Danielle said on January 18^th, 2012.

“This is not about you. This is about me and what I have done.”

I never understood what she meant. Now I know and it was sickening.

“I apologize.” I said.

Mr. D sighed,

“You don’t have to apologize, Kat. For the first time in your life you are crying physically. That is good. You are finally releasing. That is what the meditation was about: releasing.”

I shook my head and lit a cigarette,

“Will I ever have a partner?” I asked.

“Yes and she will love you as greatly as I love you. I know that you are lesbian. However, I love your spirit. You have touched many lives. Take this experience and show others that they are not alone. Stand up as you did when you were a child.” Henry said.

I sit down in my apartment trying to make sense of everything. On my table are the engagement rings. I took them and locked them up in my safe. IT was time to let go. I knew that the meditation was telling me that I needed to release Danielle and move on. I have allowed my fear of breaking a promise to Danielle to override everything that everyone was telling me. My past was interfering with my current condition of living. I was allowing my past to block me. Now I had realized that in the process of loss and grieving, we have to let go. I was in a state of denial.

The words of Gerri, my English instructor from high school come to my mind. Gerri was a great teacher that taught Theology in my high school when I had gone to a private academy for a few months when I was 17. When I was taken away at 17 by authorities I was placed at a Seventh Day Adventist Academy. Gerri died in a moped accident when I was 25. Her words on grace always stuck with me.

“The state of grace begins with us. It is through forgiving

ourselves. When we finally cry, the skies will cry with us because in the release of your pain, you will grow.”

I wish she was still alive today so that I might tell Gerri.

“Thank you!”

In looking back, my meditation was my broken heart’s attempt to try

and find a reason. I really thought at the time that Danielle left me because she was disgusted by my past sexual abuse. My illogical mind thought that if I could show her that I am still the woman she loved that she would return. My mind couldn’t process why she suddenly left. The flashbacks to my abuse weren’t helping either. Why would sorrow trigger my memories? That was answer that I couldn’t see or should I say didn’t want to acknowledge.

My sorrow initiated somatic triggers to the PTSD that I didn’t realize that I had. Somatic is related to emotion. Traumatic stress which was the devastation of my heart brought back into focus all the overwhelming sensations that I was feeling from my past. This triggers a disassociatitve sate within the person. In this case, it was me. My PTSD was putting pressure on the basic functions of my mind creating a stress so intense that it was arousing cycles of my original traumatic experience.

The journey was so difficult back then. Here I was trying to process what was going on and my flashbacks were interfering. The memoires made me feel even more shame, embrassement and disgust. The only real reason that I was angry at God/Spirit was that I was remembering. It was lot to deal with and I was feeling overwhelmed. Today I am thankful for those flashbacks revisiting me. They showed me that I needed help to heal and reconcile that I was a victim.

HANDING OVER THE CAR FEBRUARY 25th, 2012:
On February 24^th, Friday Night, Danielle and I had talked for over an hour on the cell. Danielle decided that I needed to give her tags to the vehicle I have her. She wanted to discuss the car. Furthermore she wanted to revisit what we were going to do regarding us in the future. She asked me to come the next day to her house on February 25, 2012.

At 8:00 am I show up to Danielle’s house. She is in her pajamas. She has her hair up. Once I walk inside she looks at me, smiling and lets her hair down. Danielle always knew that I loved her hair down. I took this as a good sign. Danielle moves to the couch next to me as we discuss her work and how busy it was. She had gone to Louisiana for her birthday and the party was off the chart. Danielle tells me how drunk she got and how she could not remember how she got back to her hotel room. She said that life was very busy for her. I told Danielle how I texted and she said she knew I texted her, but she was not responding to anyone; not even her own father.

I went on to tell Danielle about the press release party for Ignite at Bermuda and she said,

“I will be there. It will be lovely,”

Danielle went to Facebook and liked INSA. I went on to tell Danielle that I would pay for her fee to come into the press release. She would be treated like a VIP. Danielle smiles. I pull out the tags to the car and give it to her. I ask,

“Now regarding the car? Do you want me to give you the title?”

Danielle looks at me thinking about it. Danielle didn’t make eye contact with me as she was thinking about my question.

“Look I don’t have to sign it over. I will keep it in my name. I’ll take care of the insurance. That way you can do what you need to with your career,”

“I know it’s just...” Danielle said being interrupted by me.

“I made a promise to you that I would help you. You yourself said you needed time and space and to have hope. You’re still single right?” I asked.

“Yes, I am still single. And yes there is still hope for us.” Danielle responds.

I look at Danielle with a sigh of relief. Here she is telling me there is still hope.

“Then what do you want?” I ask.

“Hand over the title so I can know that something is mine. That way I can finally get to where I need to,” Danielle responds.

I smile signing over the title. I then look at Danielle giving her a letter. I had two letters; one if she wanted the title and the other if she did not. In the letter I explained how I do not agree with handing over the car however I respected her wishes. I went on to say how I love her and will continue to love her. I would wait for her as she tried to figure out her life and how she was going to balance her work and family.

After I hands over the car title to Danielle, we talk about the press release party and how my job was going. I did not let her know that the management in the restaurant that I was working in was being cruel. I mentioned briefly in passing that I might consider bartending and Danielle chuckles,

“No honey you would not be a good bartender. You are the one that chills the wine.”Danielle laughs.

I remember thinking that was odd because Danielle always supported my new ventures. I passed this sarcasm off as her being stressed. Danielle hugs me,

“It is so lovely to spend time with you. We need to spend more time with each other and get back on track with each other. You are always welcome to come over for Sunday dinner,” Danielle said. I smile with hope in my heart.

I never knew that this would be the last time that I would ever see Danielle in person again. Based on the conversation with the new girlfriend that I would come to have in the following months, Danielle was not single at the time I had asked her. She was already with the new girl at the time that I handed over the car. According to the new girlfriend they had gotten together around February 2^nd, 2012. Later, based on further discovery, Danielle was with the other woman since September, at the time she accepted our rings and we said our private vows to one another.

THE PRESS RELEASE PARTY

March 2^nd, 2012 was the press release party for Ignite. It was my first gig covering a live event for my company, House of SVOI. I was so excited to be receiving this kind of recognition and even invited three other people from my restaurant that I worked at. I prayed so hard that Danielle would show so that she would be proud of me and the work that I was doing as an independent artist. This event could really put her and I back on track.

Danielle never showed up. Afterwards I thought to myself that I should have known better than to hope. I was very angry that Danielle did not show up. During the event I texted her for hours with no response from her. Finally after 12:30 am she responds to me via text.

“I really apologize, I forgot that I had two venues to set up for regarding my catering company. “

I immediately calm down for a moment, wanting so desperately to connect with Danielle that I sent the following text to her.

“I would love to have drinks with you in the coming days”

Be still my heart as Danielle responds with text that excited my heart to no end. The days of distance was coming to an end.

“I promise that we will have drinks and I would love to have them at your apartment and spend the night with you.”

Excitement, joy and relief fill my soul and spirit. Danielle is returning me. I took the text message as a sign that Danielle was ready to continue our relationship.
The press release party was an event that would change another aspect of my life. At the event I met a woman named Saundra. She was a tarot reader. Little did I know that down the way that she and her family would be the family that everyone was talking about. They would teach me to laugh and celebrate my life.

Today I often wonder why my old self had such blind faith and hope in a woman that obviously would be revealed that she didn’t want anything to do with me. I have come to realize through my current ongoing healing process that my blind faith and hope goes back to my mother, Kendra and the horrific victimization that she perpetrated on me. I spent 17 years being raped and tortured by my mother. I always hoped beyond all measure that she would snap out of it, apologize for what she did and finally accept me as her daughter. My mind prayed that in her awakening that she would then turn herself into the police for the horrific crimes that she committed. My mother never did.

My mind couldn’t process why Danielle left me. Suddenly my reality of love was gone, ripped from underneath my feet. I was angry at God and often asked,

“Why me? What did I do wrong? Just love me and return and I will be your servant, Danielle.”

That thought process was a preconditioned ideology from my childhood. I see that today and have worked every day on not repeating that people pleasing mentality. After the Press Release party, my old self continued writing journals to Danielle. I had hoped that we were getting back together based on her last text message. The journey would continue.

3. 
   JOURNAL OF HOPE MARCH 3^rd to March 11^th, 2012: BOOK THREE
   

The journey continued based on the small signals that I had perceived that Danielle was giving me. The last text message that she sent me gave hope that we were returning.

March 3^rd, 2012:

Good afternoon, my beloved Danielle,

I sit here watching the grass grow swaying with the wind. I remember as a child how I would wish upon a star for you, woman of such true love. Now every day I still write in a journal of hope for when you return you know that I am not like the others that hurt you or cheated on you. Set the skies on fire, let the rain come down, draw lines in the sand. The truth lies in our connection. I am the butterfly waiting to fly with you. IF you only knew that you don’t have to give up on true love. I know you said you did because you had to give up true love for your children. You don’t have to. I hope that you are having a great family dinner night.

Dearest Danielle,

Where do I begin? The day you left me, the day you changed the dynamic of our relationship. I fell apart. I tried to be the rock that I promised you. I thought I could be strong enough. Instead I am weak because you left me. What did I do wrong?

If telling you what I went through scared you please forgive me. I just wanted to share my life with you. What did I do wrong?

March 5^th, 2012:

I felt you yesterday in my soul and being. I am going to dream of you. You always said you could sense my spirit when I thought of you. Everyone in my life has left or rejected me or died. I know I can show you how to be strong. Together we can do this. The days we talked about the future together. How great it was to find your one true love.

March 6^th, 2012:

Today is six weeks that we have been separated. I know you can feel me. I believe in you and us. They say that I have changed at work. I refuse to talk to anyone. Even when the General Manager called me a stupid bitch and no wonder you left me. Who would fuck someone like me? I said nothing because I feel as though he is right. You left me therefore I was not strong enough. I look at people and see how blessed they are and wretched that my life has become. I cannot even bear to write my novels any more.

A man came into my restaurant I and began crying that his ex girlfriend shot and killed his dog. He cried and looked at me,

“I know you understand. How do we have hope when we are the ones dying inside?”

I looked at him and said,

“Because at the end of the day we are the ones that stand up and we have to…it’s our nature,”

After an hour he left however right before he left he said,

“You need to stand up too. People need to know your story.”

I spoke with Danny, my female server today about you and me and she is trying so hard to help me. She said I have grown depressed and they are worried that I might do something foul to myself. She reminded me that you still had the engagement rings. I smiled for I remember that night.
March 7, 2012:

I sit here wondering about you. I know you loved and were in love with me. You walked away. Everyone says that I did nothing wrong yet I feel I did because at the end of the day you are not in my life. You won’t even talk to me or text me. That hurts deeper than you realize.

Why should I believe? All my life I have helped people, protected people, served this country and now this act of cruelty. Why was I allowed to live if I was only going to be hurt again?

March 8^th, 2012:

Its 12 am going into March 8^th, 2012. I wrote the first ten pages of ON HALLOWED GROUND. I know I was behind because I fell apart when you left me. I decided to write so that you will come back to me. Tonight I will call you and text you. I cannot seem to sleep. The nightmares are so intense. They have returned and there is no way out. You knew how to wake me from my dreams. I know how you felt and I know what we had was real.

Morning has come and I remember how every day I would wake you. It looks to be a warm rain and how I wish I could wake with a rose and warm kisses. Tonight I will try and call you. Perhaps lady luck will be on my side. I find myself hardening. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I know we were only together for six months however we loved deeply. You showed me the beauty of love. You said you would never abandon me and that I need to never worry because you will always protect me. I wrote a poem while short; I wrote a poem for you.

SUMMER RAINS

With each day my soul prays

With each night my soul takes flight

For my sorrow has become a borough

No one seems to understand

They look at me with eyes of a pariah

For I still believe in you,

I still hope one day you shall come back

I cannot seem to get you out of me,

The rain comes and my soul cries

For I remember the nights you told me that

Life gave me to you as a gift.

I am crying because no one can answer what I did wrong. If I scared you please forgive me. I should have never told you what I went through.