Defining Moments

March 10, 2012:

It is twelve midnight going to Saturday. I am not going to text you for three days. You did not respond at all this week to me. I admit that made me sad. There was a time that you would respond instantly to me. All I can do is leave it in the hands of fate.

You thought you were doing the right thing. I apologize however you were wrong. YOU, YOU DANIELLE, begged and made me promise to never give up on you or leave you behind. You even cried in my own bed as you were holding me that you never wanted to leave me. That when we made love you called me your wife, your one and only.

I know that I promised to be your rock however I am falling apart.

OMG OMG…I just read your status and you had just listened to three songs on Facebook. I told my server Danny.

“There is hope. She still believes in me” I said.

Danny looked at me with these eyes of hers.

“You’ve treated her like a goddess, why wouldn’t she still love you?”

I chuckled and then with sad eyes I said,

“Because of what I went through people judge me. I am sorry that I don’t know things like what to do on holidays. Or that I don’t know how to read children’s stories. I only know how to love.”

Danny looked at me,

“You should never be rejected. She is lucky. You worked over 100 hours one week to come up with the down payment on your car so she could have your car.”

The songs you listened to were:

I am a believer*

Daydream believer*

Somebody to love*

Bohemian Rhapsody.

Yes you still believe in love. You know that I am watching your Facebook as I know that you are watching mine. That rocks. I am going to send you a text. And it will read this infamous line from Wind Beneath My wings.

“Did you ever know that you were my hero?

And everything that I wanted to be.

I can fly higher than an eagle

‘Cause you’re the wind beneath my wings.

May you have a great day at work and a great evening. I hope you are well, know that I am here for you, no matter what. I love you, Kat.”

I sent you this text, in hopes that you would smile. You have not responded to me since March 3^rd, 2012. I will try and call you at 9:30 pm for that is when your send your children to bed. Maybe I can reach you. It’s not that I am trying to bug you. I wrote you a poem.

MISTS

The rain is misting. I think of you.

Though I know not what is going through your head and heart,

I only wish the best for you,

There was a time that we flew together as eagles

And I was flying with you.

I know you did what you thought best,

However if you only knew how much I missed you,

I understand that you were trying to ignore your heart,

Yet I cannot understand why you threw me away,

I was what you wished for,

I try and hide my sadness and I cannot

They say I have changed,

That I am not the same without you

Danny said that through me she realized

What she did with her true love,

She sees with my eyes how I have become.
I do not know what to think regarding this situation. So I wrote another poem:

People don’t see how in the shadows we hide

When we do step in the light they look upon us

As thought we don’t belong because we are different

We speak, they laugh,

We do well and they take a stick and break our bones,

When we do talk, they walk because they say,

Who would listen to you and or want you

Their laughter becomes our poison,

Perhaps if they walked in my shoes

They would understand

We are the lost voices of time
March 11, 2012

It is Sunday morning and I get off at 6am from restaurant. I wrote the above poem on Facebook, because it was how I was feeling. I know you did love me and that you were in love with me.

I have become hardened and pushed everyone away. If the one person I truly loved, who made me feel alive, could walk away and not even text me then I must be trash. I even prayed today that my life be different and asked God, Spirit whatever higher being there is,

“Why did you give me this life just to be a laughing stock? Please forgive me for failing you, dearest Danielle. I only wanted to love you. I thought you wanted the same. You understood me. You even told me that you would protect me.

March 14^th, 2012:

What a great day and good evening my beloved Danielle. It was great to hear from you via text. You asked me if I was off tomorrow and that you would call me and we would talk. I have sorely missed you. I know that I still love you and am still in love with you.

March 15^th, 2012:

You never called me. I texted you and you never called. A great day of sadness lies ahead as I think of what I did so wrong to you that you could just walk away. There has to be a way….yes…I will create a new podcast….this series will be a way to reach you cause you said you always watch my profile….

The next day at work I was saddened by the fact Danielle had never called me. I even went to church and prayed. I remember saying a prayer with a Christian in my restaurant and I asked her,

“I know I am different and that god has forgotten me but can you

say a prayer for me that my love will answer me. I know I don’t

deserve it ‘because I survived but perhaps in his mercy he will

answer my prayer?”

Claudine looked at me,

“Kat God has never forgotten you. You have gone lengths to reach the one you love perhaps she doesn’t love you.”

I grew sad.

“No I know she does I still sense her”
In the future I would discover that the songs that Danielle was listening to on Spotify on Facebook was actually about her new love with her new girlfriend. Danielle knew that I was watching her profile. I had felt it was some kind of wicked chess game and she was purposely trying to hurt me. I continued to write my journals because of those songs that I perceived was for me.

4. 
   JOURNAL OF HOPE MARCH 27^th, 2012-MAY 1^st, 2012: BOOK FOUR
   

March 27^th, 2012:

I woke up for day shift. You know that my cell called you and so I texted you to let you know. I do not understand why for ten days you have not written me back. You and I are friends. That was the promise you gave me. The hope that I have had. I refuse to give up on you. I love you and will abide by my promise that I not leave you behind. I miss you so much that it hurts. They say only time will tell. People that are supposedly my friends have laughed at me saying that I am stupid for standing by your side. Then the G.M. at the restaurant keeps telling me I am bitch and I am stupid and who would love me. I will prove him wrong and make you proud of me. I have decided to change careers and become a bartender. I know that you still love me. I know because I can feel you in my soul. Why won’t you contact me?

The clouds have rolled in and I think of you. I wonder how you are doing and I would so love to hear your voice as I have done every morning waking you up to make sure that you are awake for work. When we were together I felt special because for the first time in my life someone really loved me, genuinely cared about me. I loved you so deeply and I still do. I am going to a bar tomorrow and apply for the bartender position. My goal is t o work three days as a bartender. So it begins. You always said I could do anything and that you admired me for standing up. I refuse to believe that one day you just woke up and stopped loving me. Well I just won’t believe it cause you promised me and you said that soul mates don’t break their promises. I will fight for you. I know that your ex-husband never fought for you and that your ex-girlfriend mistreated you. I will not do that. You will see my beloved.

There are events that forever change a person. It is in the mists of the gloaming that our soul roams and we find ourselves. We make discoveries, cry under the moonlight and make a step to a new horizon. You told me to create an empire and I am. I will take of you and your children with the settlement I will receive. This year of 2012 is about finding my core, and my depth. For almost 20 years I have been in management and while I was great I was nothing because you were not there.

You loved me in such a passionate way. The way we light the candles, how you pleasured me. How you said,

“You are my wife. I am dead without you in me,” with tears in your eyes.

I am not afraid to take a stand because I know that you will be there waiting for me. How you looked those nights in my arms. How you said,

“I have never slept peacefully until I was in your arms. You were made for me”

March 29^th, 2012:

My friend the voice of reason was trying to prove that you moved on because you friend Ms. H. on Facebook and she said that you had a relationship with her. I was just a toy to you. It hit me hard when you did not respond. I went home drinking tequila wishing the pain would go away. Why did I fail you? How did I fail you? I gave you a car, a laptop, roses, love….curse my lawyer for failing to settle sooner. I would have given you the money to make you happy.

I have given notice to I restaurant. What is the use of being a manager when I am being called a bitch for believing in love? He called me a stupid bitch and who would love me. He said.

“You’re so stupid that your bitch left you for another woman.

You are that which should be burned on the grill and discarded”

my general manager stated.

I cannot be around here anymore. I am trash. I don’t want to be here anymore. I keep looking out into the dining room and remembering how you visited me.

March 31, 2012:

It is now 2am Saturday, March 31, 2012:

I restaurant corporation has found out what the General Manager said and are fearful of a lawsuit. I told them to screw themselves. They give up on people. I refuse to give up on Danielle.

The director of operations said to me,

“I hope that you are right. You are risking your career on true love. Is any person worth that?” he said.

“If we do not stand by the ones we love then who will?” I asked.

I never told them that you refuse to contact me and that I feel like a failure. The nightmares are continuous. Last night I dreamt of the time I was 12 years old. Kendra, my so called mother took my show rabbit and broke its neck.

She laughed,

“You belief in life is futile. You keep believing that life is grand.

It is not.”

I cried asking,

“Why did you kill my rabbit, Rex? I asked crying.

Kendra responded with,

“Because you loved the damn rabbit; everything you love I will kill. I will break you.”

I woke up crying and begging spirit please stop these dreams. I

apologize for living. Please tell me what I did wrong. Yet, I still wake up.

Why are you not contacting me? Why? You are such a mystery Danielle to

which I will find out why and I will find out what I did wrong. I will find a

way to make it right and show you that I can be your rock.

1-you said you needed time and space

2-you stopped talking to me on March 14, 2012

2-Then the other day you friend a woman on Facebook called Ms. H. who only has one friend. My friend the voice of reason said it’s because you are involved with her. HOW and WHY? You said I would be the first woman that you would date. So I am going to find out what I can do to be the one that will be your rock. I sent a friend into the coffee shop that she works at and she said that she just saw you at 6:30am. What have I done? You are driving by my restaurant and ignoring me to see her at 6:30am. Why? I would understand if you just talk. Don’t you know that on New Year’s Eve that you said you were at a catering event however on Facebook you checked in at an event in Houston at the View Lounge. I got the message than that you were seeing your ex-girlfriend in Houston.

Why are you running?

I will not give up on you.

April 1^st, 2012:

I had a gypsy come into the restaurant that gave me a reading. The gypsy said that my passion for life would guide my destiny. She was actually able to read me however there was a part that deeply concerned me. She said that my lover was dishonest. She said that my lover was using me to get somewhere. I had become agitated at this knowledge. I knew that what the gypsy was saying was true. However I could not bring myself to face the truth. The gypsy said that there was a family that I would guide at first. This family that I would meet would lead me to my true destiny. This creped me out because in my meditation in the last two months I have heard spirit telling about this family. Has everyone lost their damn marbles? What is going on? I started to become angry at what this gypsy was telling me. I literally kicked her out of my restaurant and told her to learn how to read. I told that she can never be in my restaurant again or I will kick her out.

I told you I would defend you and I will ‘til the end of time. I would move the heavens and stars for you. I promise you that I will see you again.

Tonight is my last night at restaurant I. I swear to you that I will find you and bring you home like you asked me to do.

April 4^th, 2012:

I sent you a text and today and called you. There was no response. I am sitting outside on my patio. I am reflecting on all the changes in my life. I am just trying to understand why you don’t respond to me. I don’t mean to be a pest it’s just I want to talk to you and see how you are doing. It really bothers me that you said we were friends you will not even talk to me. It haunts me because I feel like I did something wrong. Tell me and I will fix it. Please, Danielle answer me. I have been sitting out here for an hour and it’s a full moon outside. It reminds me how beautiful you are and you would look at me. I wish I could see your eyes again. How you would look into my eyes during the moments of intimacy. How you said my name during the moments of the orgasms we would have.

April 6^th, 2012:

OMG I saw you under the bridge. You were honking at me and when I realized it was you, you just drove on waving at me. Come back. I did not see you. Please, Danielle call me. Don’t you know I have been waiting for you!!!

April 7^th, 2012:

I woke at 1am due to the adjustment of working day shift. I am so sad and depressed. Where are you, my dearest and beloved? I have done everything you have asked of me. I miss you and our friendship.

Dearest Danielle,

In the deepest of places, unexpected events take place that help us

Find ourselves. You are a catalyst to me. You said you would teach me new experiences. I have learned. I am ready. I was awoken by the winds, watch the clouds move, I have found my strength. The silence that once filled my darkness with echoes now shows me that our journey that lies ahead is filled with light. You said you would always love me no matter what. You were happy to find your true love in your life. I have sent you a Happy Easter. I have always hated Easter. I remember on Easter how Kendra my so called mother would lock me up in the dog kennels. There was one year that she was extremely angry. She took me and chained me to a chair. She then placed water at my feet and electrocuted me with a cattle prod. She kept asking me,

“Where is your fucking god now? Submit to me bastard child!!!”

I had blood on my mouth as I said,

“He is everywhere. He is in me. He will see you do this”

and she laughed this particular Easter of my 13^th year of Easter as she had three men rape me in the chair.

“Let your God see this, you fucking bitch,” she laughed.

I remember that you promised that you would show me a different side to Easter. Now it has come and there is nothing. What did I do wrong? I just…I had hope that one day I could see Easter with someone I loved. You were her and I failed you because you won’t acknowledge my existence. Why?

I know that you taught me how to allow a woman to make love to me. I never allowed anyone to make love to me until you came along. I am sorry if I failed in being enough.

I have to stop this self pity. I promised you to be a rock. I am trying Danielle, I really am.
April 8^th, 2012:

Happy Easter, Danielle, I wish I was there with you. I guess I failed once again. I am going to bed now. I am going to sleep this day away. You have shown me that people like me don’t deserve Easter. Dear Spirit or God…in my next life make me a lady bug so I don’t have to experience holidays. Everyone has their family and I have the memories of rape and torture.

April 10^th, 2012:

I met with Ms. Kay, the voice of Reason as I have come to call her. She is amazed that I still have hope that you will return. I said that you promised you would return to me. Yet there is sadness deep within me. I am not sure that you will. I think you wanted me to die in that fire; that you wanted to never love me. I wish I was never born so that I would not have to be the one to live this pain.

April 12^th, 2012:

It’s raining downtown and I am thinking of you. I have had several friends ask if I have heard from you. I said you were well. I will always hold you in high regard. I wish I had not failed you. It figures. I failed Sarah by not standing up and now I failed you. I know that they broke my back. I should have been able to stand up. Forgive me my dearest sister for failing you.

April 13^th, 2012:

Today is one month since you stopped talking to me. I am nothing. I failed the very woman I swore to love and the one woman who asked me to marry her. God is cruel with giving me a history that I have. Perhaps one day I can find atonement.

April 14^th, 2012:

Good morning Danielle. I keep writing you because I believe one day that you and I will talk again. You said that we would be friends. The birds outside are chirping. So much I have had to deal with since you have left me. I pray every day to God and to spirit asking for forgiveness for failing you. You said I was what you wanted. Now you have thrown me away. Why?

Today is thirty days since you stopped texting me. What did I do wrong? I promise I won’t ever tell anyone you know that I was abused. I will make a lie up. I promise I will learn how to celebrate holidays. Just tell me what I did wrong. Is it money? I will work three jobs to make you proud. I have changed outspoken to OUTSPokenWymn. You will love this new series. Did you know that I created this podcast to show you not to give up? Danielle, there were nights when I was a child I wanted to die during the rapes and abuse however I did not. Then when I found you I knew I lived to find you and love you. But you threw me away. I am strong. I have faith for the both of us. I created an empire like you asked me to do. OMG, the car ran over you. I tried and called you but you sent me to voice mail. Why is this woman Ms. H saying you are a woman of many talents. You said I was the one that you ever submitted to, that I was the first one to ever make you feel like a woman. It figures that I would mess up. You once told me,

“Honey, if there was anything wrong you would sense it.

Trust me. We are connected”

I will always love you and you must know this. However I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. This might be the first time I will not stand up. I don’t feel like I should stand up. Maybe I should lie down and be the dog everyone says I am. You who took my engagement ring have shown that I am a failure.

April 16^th, 2012:

I hope that your daughter had a great 16^th birthday. I remember the night we were making love and you said that you wish that you could have my child with me. Oh lord what have I done. I should have kept quiet. No one wants to know I was a survivor. Why do I fight when I know I will be the loser? I guess only the good guys win. Perhaps in the next life I might know what family is. I am drinking a whole bottle of Tequila Rose. I wish that you were here however why would you be here? I failed you. Go ahead and laugh because no one else cares.

April 17^th, 2012:

One day we might see each other. Please just say hello to me. I miss the nights when I would hold you as you fell asleep in my arms. I miss the way you looked at me. How you would moan my name in your orgasms. Who am I to have such happiness? I am the maggots that I once had to eat at dinner when I was a child.

April 19^th, 2012:

I met a friend online at Facebook who gave me a reading. He was different than Saundra at Bermuda. His name is Raymond. He did the tarot differently than most people. He would pull a tarot card then write a poem that was associated with the book. Raymond immediately said that I was condemning myself because of what I went through as a child. He said that I needed to believe. I asked why I should believe when the woman I loved left me. He said that perhaps it was not meant to be. I began crying for no reason. And he said,

“Kat don’t you get it. She sent you back. When she left you she reopened the wounded child that everyone tortured and raped. You for years hid so no one knew..Yet this whole time you have been crying.”

I cried even more because he was right. I sobbed so heavily that he said I needed to breathe.

“Kat, you have been everyone’s hero. Who is your hero?” he asked.

“I don’t expect heroes” I responded.

I remember his sigh and he said,

“Honey, you love deeply because of the evil you saw.

If Danielle never returns please stand up. People need you!

I said sarcastically,

“WHY because there is a family….and why so they can

laugh at me not knowing how to match colors, or laugh at me. Because I don’t know how to celebrate a holiday or know what it means to celebrate a birthday.”

He sighed,

“You are so angry. YOU need to stand for the voices that can never speak. The truth is that Danielle disrespects you. The cards even

Say that. She dislikes that you refused to manifest for her.

For so long you have been a guardian to others. Perhaps you

now need to teach another person to become a shaman as you

are a shaman.”

I lit a cigarette and said,

“I am tired of being the hero”

I remember his voice so calmly.

“Some heroes are the artists that light the path for others. Your legacy shall be your words.”

I cried even more for I knew the truth he spoke. Why is every tarot reader and gypsy I am going to talking about this mysterious family I am supposed to teach? Really?

April 22, 2012:

I know I am skipping days in writing you however it’s getting harder and harder to write you. I feel like an abandoned dog left to the elements of the earth. I hope that your life is well. I cannot find anyone to speak to regarding my grief over you leaving me. Those that I have found say that I was stupid for loving anyone and that I should have never said anything about my past. I thought honesty was the best policy? I guess I was wrong. I wish at times that I did die when I was a child because then I would have never failed you and then you would have never left me.