Defining Moments
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- Bu səhifədəki naviqasiya:
- Final Closure, October 17, 2013
- EPILOGUE: BLOOD AND BONES
Writing My Voice In Novemember 2012, I left the Star Restaurant permenately, and went into retail. The Holiday came and I spent them with my best friends, Suandra and Lucky. The end of 2012 is now upon me with so much that has occurred in this past year. I reflect upon 2012, as defining moments, impacting my life in every corner of existence. Life experiences that I am sure shall not be forgotten in the coming years. My friends keep asking when my next book will be completed. An answer that escapes me presently as life seems to be a series of ocean currents and I am the surfer. Honestly, I had hoped that I would be completed with this memoir by the end of this year. Its already December. The grieving process of this year has taken me to the core of who I am both emotionally and spiritually. It was hard for me to look back at a woman that I loved and relive our memories and the flashbacks of my past. Do you really ever know a person? Everyone in their life at some point has lost someone that they were connected with. This could have been a parent, child, animal companion, friend, spouse, or romantic relationship. The temptation that I encountered during this process was my own denial of the grieving . Life never promised to be easy, only worth it. I have discovered that working through grief and sorrow is an internal and intentional process. The process must be something that you want to go through in order to grow. Many people just deal with it by shoving it on the back burner and move on. This type of acceptance only leads to an emotional dam. When a trigger occurs, the dam breaks creating a flood that can drown one’s soul. Accepting it, and owning it is very key to the healing process. Are there adjustments to the loss? YES. When you grieve for the loss of loss, it is not just about the loss of that person in our life. The loss of love is about the loss of what our life could have been. I grieved the loss of a dream with Danielle. In my perception I lost the ability to say I am married with this wonderful woman. The process of us being together, the adventures, the moments we cried, the moments of intimacy and the ideal of wow I found my forever. Once that realization sat in, I realized I was lost. Was the ideology that I had once embraced truly lost? There were days that missing Danielle was painful. The most painful was finding out that she was cheating on me, moved on and lied out of PITY. She never expected me to find out the truth. She thought she held power over me by promising me hope. This was a controlling personality so that if she did not succeed in her current love all she had to do was come back. She would most likely play on my emotional attachment that I needed her to validate my existence. There is however a reality. What do I deserve? It was a matter of finding my positive inner voice to find myself worth. I knew intuitively that I needed to return to my soul roots of who I am. The very passion for my life lied within my writing, my poetry, my books, and the podcasts that I was developing. The creativity allowed me to feel the breath of spirit. I was not ready per say to fully embrace the totality of my spirituality. Some part of my heartfelt hurt and betrayed. That was a negative inner voice in me taunting me that I was not enough. I felt abandoned by physical love. This served as a reminder of the past that I was grieving. The daunting question of why haunted my very essence, my ego and my construct of reality. It is only natural question to ask why when a traumatic event occurs changing our reality. I knew in my soul, the very depths of my being that spirit did not abandon me or betray me. It was the physical hurt speaking through my heart. Writing allowed me to go inside of myself and to begin the healing process. Writing served as that retreat where I was not hurt. I was loved because through my writing I could create emotion, worlds of beauty. I kept thinking what to write next. I rememeber in June of 2012 that I had no inspiration to finish the book series, Black Panther Rising. I tried to write the next books in the series. I could not. I have the entire outline for the series of books. I even have the completed illustrations. All I could hear was Danielle’s voice of how she was my dragon, my hero in love. It was hard to be a hero when you kill the very heart of the one you love or claim to love. I tried on several occasions to write the books in the series. It felt like salt being poured on an open wound. I remember I ran a contest on Facebook in late 2011 and the question was “Who is the soul mate of the panther?” I remember Danielle calling me and telling me, “I am your soul mate..Your dragon and we fly in the skies together.” The entire book series of Black Panther Rising was based on this great love story between two women. How could I write it now when the very thing that said was love was filled with lies and deceit? The night was chilly. I could not sleep. I was very distraught. I was very emotional. I was trying to understand the reality that was presented to me. Some part of me could not understand what just happened. I began thinking of Sara my sister and then it hit me. The dandelion - we use to play a game with the dandelion flower. Sarah would tell me, “No one knows we exist or that we are being hurt. We need to blow on the seeds of the dandelion because maybe the universe will hear our prayers and someday we will be rescued.”
I remember the day we were locked outside in the dog kennels. We had a marble and we pretended that there was another one when Sara dug up a marble. She looked at me, smiling, “Look the ground gave us a marble. You were right.” I looked at her wondering what this young child meant. “You told me to just believe. I believed another one would appear and it did”
Sarah’s innocence of life taught me about faith even in the darkest of times. I began writing Letters to the Universe, Ashes of the heart. The last part of the title with the ashes symbolized how I was burnt. I changed the title has changed to Letters to the Universe, Hearts Rising. Hearts rising symbolizes how I have emerged. In many ways this memoir became a catharsis for me. This memoir opened my eyes to patterns of behavior not only in myself however the relationship that I had shared with Danielle. A reality hit me. I really found myself. Once again the book title changed to Letters of a woman found. The burning questions that my friends once asked about Danielle’s weird behavior began to haunt me. The answers became so clear as a lightning bolt opening up the heavens. The questions of:
There were many red flags. My brother from Australia even began questioning her without my knowledge. Danielle ignored him. NOW the answers were clear. She was playing a game. I did not want to see the answers at the time. Everyone that tried to warn me I went to war with. I told my friends at the time that they needed to believe that not everyone was evil or manipulative. I did not want to see that I was not the only one she was having a relationship with. I was a fieldtrip from her real girlfriend. I did see this because I needed the relationship to validate that I was worthy of love. I needed the permission to be who I am. This is a common theme among people and women that have had dysfunctional pasts or failed relationships. They will stay in a current dysfunctional relationship because it validates who they are. Now understanding this I had to learn to heal. Danielle was the lesson I needed to learn to grieve my past, to let go of the sorrow I carried. It was time to grow, to heal and expand. I needed to diversify and expand. I needed to detox. I got the message loud and clear. It was over. I meant nothing to her. If I had meant something, even a half of a percent she would have called and apologized when I found out the truth. I needed to reinvent myself. That is a good one. Where do I begin? I needed a plan. I began looking at what I want to do in my life and not what others expected me to do. One thing was for sure. I could not continue to stay at home wondering if Danielle would return. Danielle even lied about being friends. Once I had released the videos of how ONE VOICE was started and how she helped me in my passion I was blocked, deleted and denounced by her. I was seen as a parasite that proclaimed to her girlfriend that I was the only one in love. Never mind that she stood in front of the gay and lesbian chamber and other business owners at a meeting and professed how she was in love with me. Never mind she cried the night I gave her a ring and she fell to the ground saying how I was her wife. My first step was forgiveness. The process of forgiveness was very difficult especially when I was hurt so badly and left to think I was the one at fault. I remembered that the Navajo believe that there is power in words. The first thing was to forgive myself for allowing Danielle to hurt me. I did give Danielle power over me to validate my existence. Now I knew that. I forgave myself. Oh how I wept that day as I prayed to spirit. I asked spirit to forgive me for being so angry. I sent a text message to all those that knew about the situation. It read: “On this day, I forgive myself for allowing Danielle to hurt me. I forgive Danielle for lying to me and leaving. I ask of you my friends that you forgive the person. The behavior was dishonorable. However I ask that you join me and forgive Danielle and do not hold ill will. It is the right thing to do.” Do you ever wonder why they say “To forgive is divine?” There is a Bible prayer that tells us "…and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." One does not have to do this in person per say. If you are willing to forgive, this burden will be released. You will be set free from that negative emotion of hatred and anger. It’s hard. I will tell you first hand that its hard. At the end of the day it’s about honor. I have seen great evil and atrocities as a child. I have seen death, rape, torture and people who were misguided by the power of abuse. I would like to think and still hold to this day that perhaps Danielle was playing a game and suddenly realized she was in love and backed away. That is just a small illusion within my heart that she was true. Danielle did teach me that I could love another person. Danielle did teach me how to love intimately. Danielle taught me things intimately that I will never forget. She was the lesson I had to learn. To forgive Danielle would allow me to let her go to what she wanted, another person that was not me. Now was the time to move on. I really dislike the concept of MOVING ON. The ideology of moving on becomes a paradigm of forgetting the experience and let’s try again. That might provide temporarily comfort. We never move on. We grow and emerge from the ashes of the pain, the soul scar and become a new person. The experiences we endure are the markings of our soul, our being and becomes the defining moments of our character and journeys into our authentic cores. This is the time of reinvention. I found that I was so in love with Danielle that I became dependent on her for my own identity. We have all done that in our relationship to some extent. One will begin to like the music, food, sports and lifestyle habits of our partners because of love for the significant other. You change as the chameleon changes color with its environment. The key lies in knowing your own self. When that dependency is gone one begins to question their path, their reality. The mere thought of starting a new beginning was terrifying to me. I still had insecurity, doubt and stress. My stress lied in what will others think that I had a failed relationship. I then remembered a text a friend sent to me the day I asked my friends to forgive Danielle out of honor. She wrote “That’s bullshit. You treated her like a goddess. You gave her the heavens and Stars. It is her loss that she judged you based on your not having a real family. Her selfishness will cost her the happiness she manifested in you. You did nothing Wrong. She could not handle being loved by such a genuine person.” The time for a “rising phoenix moment” was at hand. My friends to this day hate how Danielle was dishonorable. Out of respect for my wishes they have not confronted her. The very core and fibers of our body holds within it the wisdom of our deepest self. I call this core authentic work. A journey to the deepest part of ourselves. This is where the primal life force exists. Our body and its parts holds the memories of our personal history. This is called somatic markers. The places in our body that feel emotions triggered by movement or events allow us to feel those events. When a traumatic loss occurs the physical body wants to avoid the pain and it runs. Essentially it disconnects and disassociates from the moment as an act of survival. For over 22 years I stuffed the sorrow of my child hood into this box. I had placed walls around the box. I thought that by placing these walls around the box that I had won some marble game. It was never about winning. It was about acceptance. The inner work I was doing lied in the understanding about my feelings. The broken pieces were the little child inside crying in the corner asking, “I am little girl why are you hurting me, raping me. Make the men go away. Why am I being chained. Why can’t I eat food and not the maggots that Was served to me?” When I was a child, the family that tortured me and abused me felt that I did not deserve real food. On several occasions I had to eat spoiled food that had maggots in it. To this day I cannot eat white rice. I have to put pepper or paprika on it to ensure that the rice is not moving. The ability to finally accept what happened became a moment of grace. I never understood what she meant ‘til now. This teacher told me “By Gods grace I lived so that when the time came I would be able to speak for all victims that went through such abuse. That the words I would speak would touch them, allowing them to know that they were not alone. Humanity’s greatest fear is that they were alone.” My inner work was accepting that I could be loved. My outer work now involved creating a new life of celebration. It was scary. There were days that I felt like I was lost. I did not know how to do this action of celebration. I knew that by establishing new friendships, speaking my truth of what happened would open the door ways. I needed to walk step by step and then I would learn to fly as the phoenix. The greatest power I discovered was that I was no longer going to allow people to have power over me with validation. It was at this point That OUTSPokenWYN took on a new journey of Evolution. I felt that women needed to hear that they were not alone going through the various challenges in life. The podcast would become a venue of expression of my experiences, my life and through my experiences, I would open an avenue of communication to other women out there that they are not alone. Today the memoir is called Defining moments. On New Years Eve, Saundra did a releasing ceremony. My best friends had a glimpse of how they impacted my life. I remember one night back in May 2012. Saundra and I were texting messaging each other on a social media forum. Saundra says to me that I should not drink in the healing process because I need to be kind to myself. I went wow, really!!! I immediately put down the amaretto and listened up. I love this example that Saundra tells people about me. It really defines my journey. Saundra compares my journey to that of a rescue animal. In the beginning they are all abused, malnutrition and scared. Saundra says that with love, attention and value that the rescue animal comes to life. That story is me.
Dear Danielle, Two years has passed since I first met you. Almost a year has passed since we were in a loving relationship. In the memoir I wrote what I thought was a final letter to you filled with anger, shame and embrassement of what was done. I consider writing sacred especially when written to another person. In my eyes it’s a form of soul speak. In my healing processs, I decide to write you one last letter of closure speaking my true authentic voice, heart and soul. After this letter is written I shall of think of you no more. I let you go on the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and soulful level. I know you will never read this memoir or this letter. I have spenat over 100 hours in the rewriting process. This letter is for my own peace of mind and closure which you denied a year ago. I wrote this memoir to write my voice, my experience, our experience with true love and the loss thererof leading to the process of sorrow and healing. When you left me, you devastated me and broke my heart. The worst part was that you never told me ttthe tttruthhh evvveeen ttto this day. Instaed I had to find out through your new girlfriend. She made it seem like I was the only one in love. You even told her that we were not a perfect match. The more research I did, more of your truths told to me became lies. We both know the truth as well as my friends. You accepted the rings, the car and the computer and told others how much that you loved me. Then you had the audacity to never turn the car into your name. A car that I gave you. Everything you did in your lack of communication was disrespectful and dishonorable. Now that I have pointed out the facts, let me share something from my heart. Thank you for the time that we had together. You awakened me sexually teaching me that I can love and that I can be loved in return.Thank you for breaking my heart for it was the catalyst to my healing journey. I do not thank you out of sarcasm however a genuine heart. I have met new friends, and new experiences because of this. I truly am alive today and feel every once of celebration. No, not because I am trying to please you like I did when we were together. Because today I stand on my own two feet of my own accord.
The past is done. The answers to why doesn’t exist. We think that on our journey that there has to be a why to events. The truth is the experience. I hope that my experience can touch anothers life so that they know they are not alone. I have learned a lot about my soul and spirit. A learning process that shall continue for the rest of my life. My true friends mentoring me has been so invaluable. I am unique and a woman of value. Really in ways I wouldn’t be here today on this journey had it not been for your devastation. A reason for every season. Some people lack an understanding of my journey. They fill themselves with misconceptions not understanding the inside journey. That is okay. I am here to help others for I am a living testimony of spirit, strength, and faith. Travel you may with your own justifications, needs and desires as you bend your own words to your own statisfaction. Know that one day your actions and your words will unveil the lies of your truth be it in this life or the next. I hold no contempt towards you. I hold the love of a past you. Not romatic love however a place of memory and experience. It is a shame that you never fulfilled your journey. I am glad that you didn’t because your secrets would have destroyed us both. May you have a successful life and find that which you are searching for. Namaste,
Katherine Svoi Symthe. 10.17.2013 EPILOGUE: BLOOD AND BONES Today I continue my journey of healing. I am no longer in retail. I work with my company that I have created called House of SVOI. In May 2013, I legally changed my name to Katherine Svoi Symthe. My birth name was Rory Hammon. In my closure with my biological family, I wanted a new beginning with a new name that I chose. Thank you to my best friend Saundra that provided an insight that my middle name should be Svoi. In April 2013, I started counseling and began a deeper journey to the reconciliation with my past and trauma. Thank you to my dearest best friends, Saundra and Lucky who invested love, patience and unconditional friendship love. I have learned so much that the written word cannot even begin to testify to. In the editing process of this memoir, many emotions resurfaced for me in the recanting of lost love and the flashbacks that I had experienced. Shame and embrassement came to the forefront. The fact that I suddenly felt tired while writing this epilogue tells me that my body is trying to disaaciate from the feelings of shame and embrassement. Just last night a female friend told me, “Women don’t usually share their raw emotions of what they have endured and how they process through it. You often just read about the end result. Reading your memoir made me realize I am not alone.” Early in the evening, I had watched my best friends interact with their family and god children. These children are blessed for they were born into a family of safety. What kind of woman would I be today, had I been born into a family of safety? I wouldn’t be here writing this memoir to you. Justice has irony. I am the one that has to go to counseling to heal. My mother cheated the justice system by dying. She never was punished for the crimes that she commited. I am the one that every day does 2-3 hours of core work to find balance in my life and social interactions. What kind of justice is that where the victim has to do more work than the perpetrator? I reflect on Danielle, my ex. She had it wasy with just walking away from her promises, our relationship, committements and our love. Then with ease she just moved on to another woman who looks just like me, has a biological family and money. Yet I am the one left behind to deal with my sorrow and the aftermath of grief. Sure I could have taken the easy route by not dealing with it or my memories of trauma. But to what end? I would have been a souless person afraid to live life to the fullest. I would be repeating the very cycles done unto me as a child. I wouldn’t be connected to my emotions or my own identity. That is not a life to live. I know ecause for 39 years I hid from my true self. The reature is that the furtuer is now. What are you ding now to become you are meant to be. We, the survivors, are the blood and bones of a result from tauma and events that hurt us. I wonder if other victims thing about justice and the life impact before they transition from victim to survivor to thrivor. In debating this in my head I came upon a revelation. The answer to justice is our voice. We must speak our truth of what happened so that others can come forward to heal and know that they are not alone. What I am sharing of myself is deeply personal with my emotiuons, thoughts and process of healing . Those that area close to me that read this memoir will have new insights to me. That thought is scary because I will be vulnerable. I am safe. We have to speak our truths. Latest stateistics show that 45% of the worlds population is born into trauma. They are the voices, we are the voices that need to speak up or write up. If we but touch one life from our experience than we have been successful. I am honored by my heartbrake and Danielle because it was the catalyst that I needed to remember . I am blessed by Suandra and Lucky. I am blessed by all my friends whom have stood by my side. I cannot say what the future holds for I have learned that future doesn’t exist. This is not a negative thought. The term future is a conditioning term to teach use to maintain an order in chaos. I am a woman of substance, value and love. Embrace Your Destiny Katherine Symthe Yüklə 0,64 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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