Defining Moments
Yüklə 0,64 Mb.
|
EMOTIONAL DETOX In Mid July of 2012, a couple weeks after my birthday, I had become very ill. At the time I thought that I was having an outbreak dealing with my allergy to cedar. Every six months I had to go to the hospital for a steroid shot due to the cedar allergies in San Antonio Texas. When I first went to the emergency room I was treated with the pill version of the steroid shot. It did not work. The next day I was worse. I went back to the emergency room two days later and received the shot version. It still did not work. The fever sat in. I noticed something very disturbing in my urine. I had blood in my urine and I was not on my menstrual cycle. I became very concerned about this. I didn’t feel right. I felt as though death was growing inside my body. I could not keep warm or eat. I kept throwing up and had direahea. I was not hungry and it was hard to breathe. I did not understand what was going on. I was trying so hard to stay focused. I remembered that my friend Saundra’s birthday was coming. I was putting together a video project as a surprise for her birthday. To this day I do not know how I managed to finish that gift on time. I remember the chills, the fever and I kept praying, “If whatever I have is going to kill for the love of God, let me finish this video first. And no let me die after I present it and not at the House when I give the video.” My body was shutting down. It was hard to urinate. I couldn’t focus. It felt like something vile had taken over my body and it was eating me from the inside out. I finished that video and she did not realize until afterwards how sick I was. The two weeks that I was sick seem like a blur to me now. There was one thing that I do remember to this day that has stuck with me. Saundra and Lucky’s actions of caring that saved my life. Saundra and Lucky kept feeding me broth soup when I could not eat regular food. It had gotten to the point that when I went to the bathroom, my feces were just liquid. I remember the day I called Saundra to take me to the emergency room. I was dizzy and could not see hardly. The light hurt my eyes immensely. I stumbled when I opened the door. Saundra grabbed and helped me walk. This one moment shocked me. Saundra cared genuinely about me. She could have hurt me. She could have taken this one moment to take my life. I was afraid. I knew something was wrong if I was afraid to even go outside. I was hallucinating due to the fever that I had. The doctors had to put me on an iv. I had drunk so much water that I literally knocked the sodium out of my body. The blood in my urine was so dark that they asked if I peed sweet tea. The doctors stated that I had a urinary tract infection. The next day was worse. The process of going back and forth to the hospital emergency room would continue for two weeks. The fever got worse one night. I remember my companion, my cat, Mr. Sky meowing during that night. My temperature hit 105 degrees. Everyone was telling me to take a cold bath and sit in it. I remember texting Saundra and talking out of my brain. I was not making sense at all. I kept talking about how afraid of the water I was. I told Saundra about Laddie, a dog from my childhood. When I was ten I had a collie named Laddie. He was a gorgeous animal. Kendra had locked Laddie in a wooden in a 105 temperature day for a period of seven hours. He suffered a heat stroke. Kendra came home from work and grabbed me. She opened the box and threw me into the box. She told me that I needed to put Laddie in the bathtub. I grabbed Laddie and dragged his limp body to the bathtub. His eyes were rolled in his head. I began crying begging Laddie, “Please come back, please.” Kendra took a horse whip and cracked it on my back. “I told you I would kill everything you loved,” Kendra grabbed the back of my neck and forced my head under water in the bathtub. I gasped for air. Kendra looked into my eyes with such anger. “I wish you die, bastard.” Kendra took my head and slammed it on the edge of the bath rub. My chin cracked open. Blood was everywhere. I was screaming. Cyd, Kendra’s sister walked in. “What the hell are you doing?”Cyd asked. “Teaching the bitch a lesson.” Kendra replied. Cyd looks down at me seeing Laddie’s body. “You killed Laddie? Are you fucking nuts? We needed to sire him to to get puppies. “ Cyd stated Kendra cracked the horse whip across my face. “She made me do it!” Kendra yells. “Kat made you do it? I had her chained upstairs. Once we were done with her, we unchained her. That was only ten minutes prior to you coming home,” Cyd stated. “Fine, you can have her. Remind mother that when she fucks this whore, that I want my money for the car payment,” Kendra stated. My grandmother and aunt use to rape me. When my grandmother got off, she would pay my mother money. Cyd looks at her. “Business is business. You fuck her I get money. Or does MotherForget how we do things?” Kendra asked. Kendra left as Cyd takes me out of the bath tub. I was pulled out of school for two weeks under the guise I was sick. Cyd told me that they could not take me to the hospital or they would ask questions regarding the injury. Cyd took duck tape, and bandages to close the wound on my chin. I was forced to wear a dog collar for two weeks during this time. The injury never healed correctly. To this day, I have a scar on my chin to this event. The fear of water due to my fever triggered a somatic response to my memory of Laddie. I finally rose up and took a cold bath. I went to the hospital the next day and they began to put me on new treatment. The fever finally broke and I began the road to recovery. The last time I went to the emergency room the doctors assistant told me that they did not know what I had. They were worried that my kidneys would shut down. They had given me too strong of medication. The road to recovery would be difficult especially with eating. I had not eaten solid foods for almost two and a half weeks. It would take a while before I could eat solid food. During this illness, I lost a lot of weight. There was never a clear answer as to what I had that made me so ill. There was a theory that I had e coli because the last solid food I had was a hamburger with lettuce. Twenty four hours later I had become ill. There was a lettuce recall at the star restaurant where I was working at. That is where I had the burger. The answer may never medically be known. I did come out a different person from the illness. I have come to understand that the illness that I had encountered was an emotional detoxing. I became ill because of the deep sorrow that I had endured for the last six months. Fuel to the fire was added with dealing with the memories of childhood. The mind, body and spirit of a person is deeply connected. There is a fine balance to maintain the healthy relationship of the three. My sorrow and grief triggered my post traumatic stress syndrome that I did not realize existed. By staying in such a grief stricken state for so many months effected my physical health. The body is not meant to endure such intense grief for long periods of time.
The physical body can be seen as a battery. The battery cycles through various phases of charges. In the human body emotions produce a chemical known as ACTH (adrenocorticotrophin hormone). Once this chemical is released by the emotion then it travels to the adrenal gland located above the kidneys. Chemical reactions to emotions can be seen in such cases as ad reline when people are exposed to high rushes of emotion. The adrenal gland processes the chemical and produces another chemical known as cortisone. The cortisone balances and levels the primary chemical emotional reaction of ACTH. The resulting effect balances the person’s emotions in their body and the person returns to a regular state of existence. They return to base level zero or what people might say “normal”. What happens when the cycle of energy breaks down? The physical body becomes ill. Grief over charges the ACTH causing the physical body to produce too much cortisone. The high levels of cortisone seep into the blood system. The blood system cannot process such high levels of cortisone for a long period of time. When the balance is not found, the immune system begins to break down in the thalamus. The thalamus is responsible for producing the white blood cells in the body’s immune system. The high levels of cortisone imbalance literally destroys the white blood cells. White blood cells are the warriors in the body to fight off infecting viral particles that cause illness within the body. The physical body no longer has protection against any infections or diseases that normally would be fought off. The body becomes open to an array of infections. I had become ill because my emotions were detoxing the negative charges that I was carrying within my body. I did not find a balance. I stayed in that emotion. I stayed in a negative charge for so long that it drained the positive charge within my white blood cells. It is like trying to jump start a car battery using the wrong cable ends. No charge was being made. Once I began to make this realization then I started to make a connection. I had to basically get a whole new battery. The key to this balance of positive charge within my body was recognizing what I needed to do to find balance. I needed to level off and own my emotions. Keeping my emotions hidden in a box would only lead to a dam breaking that would cause further manifestations of physical ailments. The illness taught me to balance my health and to be kind to my body. I learned a new way of eating. Saundra and Lucky became my mentors regarding my diet. I was stubborn at times. I did learn though. At the end of the day, I remembered it was okay to take care of my health. I recovered healthier than I have ever been in my life. My life is honored and blessed by the ones that helped me through my illness. It is a valuable lesson into the workings of emotion and its connection to the physical body. While it might be hard to get up or to move forward it has to be done in a healthy manner. Thank you Saundra and Lucky for being there for me. THE DEATH OF MR. SKY August 2012. I just endured an illness and recovered. I was healthier than I had ever been in my life. The experience of the illness was very scary. 2012 has been full of events for me thus far. First there was the fire in my apartment in January followed by five months of dealing with Danielle and my broken heart. In the process of the illness, I learned to trust through my best friends Saundra and Lucky. With every event I seemed to shed my old skin and develop new layers of my being. I felt like a constant baby butterfly going into the cocoon and emerging. My best friend Saundra described it best. She said I was a teapot and with event I was being put into the fire remolded to become the best little teapot. What great description. I know what I saw in the fire regarding seeing the ghost of my sister, Sarah. In many ways her spirit was there guiding me as I once guided her when we were children. The whole love with Danielle showed me that I was not hard as I had thought. I could love another woman intimately. Danielle awakened me sexually and opened the doors to my healing. I am beginning to call these adventures Katantics. Katantics would become a term that a lot of my friends would start using. Yet another event was about to occur that would take me to another level of sorrow. My animal companion whom I named in real life, Mr. Sky, had become very sick. He was my friend, an orange and white orphaned cat. He was a little overweight because I fed him constantly. Everytime that I would write at my computer he would sit there by me, looking. When he wanted to play I would throw him his balls that I would buy him. I loved when I would come home to the apartment because he would sit there in the window, meowing. He always knew when I was coming home even if I didn’t. In my eyes, he was my forever cat. He was abandoned by my ex-roommate. I took him in and loved him. At first I tried to reject him. I kept thinking he was not my responsibility. I remembered how it felt to be abandoned. Every night he would return to my patio window on my balcony. I let him in and in the process he found my heart. We became the best of friends. When I had no food due to low income I would always buy his food. I would rather starve than see my friend not eat. He was my friend. One time, Lucky, Reyna and Lucky visited my apartment. Mr. Sky nibbled on Lucky’s toe. It was adorable and at the same curious. Mr. Sky didn’t like strangers. He really hid everytime Danielle visited my apartment. One time he even hissed and scratched Danielle. One time the maintence men were working on my toilet and next thing you hear is the man screaming. I run out there and Mr. Sky jumped on the maintence man scratching him. The maintence man was screaming like he was being murdered. Mr. Sky and I had our adventures in the apartment. We survived the fire together. A few weeks later when the apartment complex turned off our water for repair, and then turn it back on. My pipe in the bathroom broke and flooded the apartment. The ongoing joke at the time was what will be the next act of nature to happen at my apartment. The nights that I cried myself to sleep over Danielle he would sit right there on the pillow next to me. It was comforting to have there as I talked me about my sadness. Mr. Sky had the experience of bubbles. I misunderstood my best friend Saundra about vinegar in the dishwasher so I placed a dish of vinegar in the dishwasher. Next thing I know I am hearing a low grow from Mr. Sky who was in the kitchen. There were bubbles everywhere in the kitchen. Mr. Sky looked at me like, “Really ma, bubbles?” I remember the day of his passing as clearly as today. I had woken up to a horrible meow from my friend. The sound went to the pit of my stomach. I immediately jump out of bed. There he was on the floor at my bed. He was barely moving. I began crying for I had recognized this in the animals that had died from when I was a child. Damnit, I have to go to work. What do I do? I’m not leaving his side. He never left mine. There was only one option at this point. I place him in his bed with a blanket. I began praying that he would be okay until I had gotten home. I cursed my job, the Star Restaurant for I knew I couldn’t call in. If I lost a day of work I would lose money to feed him. In a phone conversation with Lucky, I told her what was going on with Mr. Sky. I counted the hours at work. Once I was off, I raced home that night to get to my friend. Driving up to my apartment and parking into my space there was fear in me. I was scared that I would find his dead, limpless body. I walk into the apartment cautiously. He is nowhere to be found. This overwhelming sense of fear set in my head. Tears are filling my eyes. Please dear God, let him be alive. I reach for my flashlight and start searching in every nook and cranny in the apartment. Suddenly I look in my closet and there he was, crying, moaning. He was barely moving. I carry him to the floor in the bedroom. I placed a towel around him so that he would be comfortable. He looks at me and I see death in his eyes. I knew he was going to die. I laid on the floor next to him, crying, “Don’t you dare leave me. What am I to do without your friendship. SKY!!!! Get up get up. LOOK I will show you how to get up.” I literally showed Mr. Sky how to get up. I stand up as I look down at my friend. He refuses to get up. I knew it was over. I immediately call Kay “He is dying honey. You need to take him to the vet.” I begin crying. I thought this was not right. It was not fair. First Danielle and now my cat, my friend, Mr. Sky. Why? “Why? He is just a little cat. He won’t even allow me to do a hands on healing with him.” Kay very calmly says, “For every season there is a reason.” Lucky comes in on the other line as they have me on speaker phone on their end. All I remember is Saundra and Lucky saying, “We are coming right now to take you and him to the vet.” The ten minutes I wait for them to come was the longest ten minutes. I carry him in my arms to the living room. I sit down on the floor laying next to his head. What was I going to do without Mr. Sky? I am at a loss. I feel like life was throwing another ball at me. I was tired of being targeted and hunted. “You are my best friend. Shit I even knocked out a fireman to find you in the fire. We survived a flood in the apartment.” I said. He let out a little meow. I felt that Sky was telling me that he understood however it was his time to go. I look up to the ceiling. “Damn you, you were supposed to be there when I published my book. I know that we have our time, and everything has a season” I began crying for seeing him there reminded me of the animals whose lives were lost at the hands of the family that I was raised in. “Spirit, he is a little animal. A cat. He is my friend. Is there not anything that can be done? Please.” I knew that there was nothing that could be done. Honestly, I half expected some spirit to show up and perform a miracle on him. My friends show up taking us to the veterian. It was revealed that his insides were too bad. He had to be put down for his best interests so he would no longer be in pain. I remember calling my friend Saundra into the waiting room to discuss it. I had to make the choice to put Mr. Sky to sleep and it nearly killed me. Saundra helped me understand that I had to do what was in his best interest. I remember telling Saundra that I’m not like my mother and I love Mr. Sky. Suandra helped me to see what needed to be done through wisdom and her loving friendship. She left the room so I could say goodbye. Now was the time to say goodbye to Mr. Sky. He sits there on the table looking at me. I bow to him crying, “You are my friend. Don’t you ever forget that I love you. You just fucking remember that when you go to sleep to go to the light and follow it to the other side. You are the most honorable cat I have ever known. You took on my illness to help me. Why? WHY did you do this? You are just a little cat.” I cried so hard. He looked right at me and I could see in his eyes, love. “You shall never be forgotten in my life ever. Your life shall be the legacy of honor. Thank you and thank you for going to Lucky and showing me that they are great people. I will follow the ways of spirit. Namaste” I open the door to the back room handing him to the veterinarian tech as I cry. She looks at me saying, “He is in good hands, Ma’am. He is loved and loved you.” I lost it there crying in her arms. It was so much to hold on to that I just poured out crying. I then asked where the restroom was. I needed to wash my face and spiritually prepare for his crossing over. I would come to do a podcast on Grief. In the playing back of the podcast his spirit ran across the podcast and many people who watched it told me that they felt he was there. The moment his spirit crossed the podcast was the moment I said, “He was my friend.” Mr. Sky was laid to rest. Mr. Sky’s death had really shaken me up on the inside. It was unexpected that he would die. He was in my eyes an innocent. I believe that in my mind he represented the innocence in me. Sky’s death symbolized in me the death of my innocence from childhood. I never had the opportunity to be a child. In many ways I grew up when Sky died. I could not hang onto this shell of a wall. I needed to be open and experience life. For days, I would cry at work. They never understood. In looking back, I see that Mr. Sky taught me kindness, and that it was time to move forward. My apartment was slowly becoming a graveyard of sorrow and memories of the heart. The first day coming home from work and not having Mr. Sky there felt like a void. My apartment was never the same after the fire. The apartment held memories from Danielle. Now there were memories of Mr. Sky. Each room held a memory of sorrow. With each memory of sorrow would come a flash back of the past. I was learning from each event. STAR CROSSED
I left the Star Restaurant in 201 vowing that I would never return because of how I was treated. I was an assistant manager in the quick service restaurant industry. I left the Star Restaurant and went to work for a casual dine restaurant. Grandier thoughts that the grass was greener on the other side. At the I Restaurant, I worked 70 hours a week with one day off during the twelve weeks of training at the casual dine restaurant. I graduated and was sent to a restaurant on the other side of San Antonio. It was an okay job as an assistant manager. I thought wow this is what I had wanted. I worked 80 plus hours on salary. I discovered that my cooks made more money than I did and they only worked 40 hours. When I was with Danielle, she convinced me to look for another job for better money. Danielle said that with more money that we could have more time together. You should never look for another job because of someone else. This type of change should be done because you want it to happen. In January 2012 I had stopped looking for a job. The General manager of the casual dine restaurant called me a stupid fucking bitch that allowed her girlfriend to walk over me in front of the customers in the dining room. Normally I would have reported this behavior to human resources. A few guests did report it to the corporate line with a deaf ear. I chose to accept what the general manager said to me because I lacked self confidence. I also felt that the general manager was right because Danielle left me. The fire in my apartment changed everything. The general manager told me in front of my dishwasher, that he wished I had died in the fire because I was a thorn in his side. I snapped awake the moment he said that to me. In February 2012, I bought my bartending license and went into bartending. It was a great experience as a bartender. In May 2012, I thought that spirit had placed me in the bar that I worked at because Danielle’s job was down the street from the bar. Something began to change in me. I was treated fairly and given free meals every day. When Danielle left me, my perspective left me as well. My logical mind went on vacation. Wanting to get away from the bartending scene and Danielle, I reached out to my ex roommate. She was the same ex roommate that left and abandoned our lease saying that “You need to know what’s like to be alone.” I knew that was the wrong choice and in reaching out to her that I would be read the riot act. My mind could not see clearly about what I was meant to do in my life. I returned to the star restaurant. Someone could have said that cows flew at night and I would have believed them. I was told by my ex roommate that I needed to get my head out of my ass. I was told that I had made a mistake and that I needed to return to the star restaurant. I was placed as an assistant manager at the New Brunfels location with the promise that I would return to the San Antonio Market. Life was grand once again under an illusion that I made for myself.. I felt like yeah I could do it. I could commute to new brunfels forgetting about it all. All I cared about was paying the basic bills and getting cat food for my cat companion, Mr. Sky. I didn’t care about the luxuries of life like having the ability to pay for makeup or shopping for clothes. I did not eat healthy if at all. I lived off of ramen noodles. I felt that I did not deserve such luxuries because I felt rejected and was punishing myself for allowing myself to love getting hurt. I allowed my negative self esteem that I had control my life. I knew deep down inside of me that I had made a mistake. I chose to overlook it. The star restaurant was the same company that I had to fight to pay my medical bills when I was injured in 2011. My return to the Star Restaurant was in May prior to knowing Saundra and Lucky and falling ill in July.
Working for the star restaurant wasn’t conducive to my physical health or state of mind. I overlooked how they were treating me convincing myself that I was in an excellent job. I attempted to hide the truth behind a facade of a lie that I was telling myself every day and night. In late May 2012 I went full time with the star restaurant allowing the managers to start talking to me any which way they wanted. I did not stand up to how they were talking to me. I chose to blow off their words and excuse the behavior. I thought that if I told myself everyday that I was happy that I would be happy. That is not the truth. True happiness must start with yourself. I thought I was not worthy of a good life. I kept telling myself that the star restaurant was a great company. I even repeated this greatness to my new friends Saundra and Lucky. I told them how happy I was to be working for the star restaurant. I was blessed. It was a mask of the deeper sorrow in me. I remember the night that my new friends Lucky and Saundra came to visit me at my location in New Brunfells. I was so proud of the restaurant. I wanted to them see this greatness. I knew that I was lying to myself. I never shared with my friends, what the general manager said after my friends left, until now in this memoir. It was so ugly and yet I had put with it. A part of me was still punishing myself. Looking back, it was wrong what happened. Saundra, Lucky and their family leave the restaurant.The General Manager is Dina. She was a great manager before I left in 2011. Dina calls me into her office. “So you think that you have family now?” She says “I would like to think so,” I reply excitedly. “They’ll leave you too just like your girlfriend did.” Dina said. “What?” I asked confused. Dina had been made aware of Danielle thanks to my ex roommate. They were best of friends. I didn’t expect Dina to use that personal situation against me. Apparently she was making a habbit of doing this to all the employees however I didn’t know it at the time. “No one wants you. We did. You’re a lost child. You really think that they will love you once they know about your past. We only put up with you.” I am at a loss for words. Dina’s cruel words are reminding me of Kendra. What the hell is going on. Suddenly my negative voice begins to doubt Lucky and Saundra saying that they were genuine. It’s a flashback of Kendra’s voice. “Let me explain to you real life, Kat. You came back because no one wanted you. We did this because this is all that you can do,” Dina states harshly.
“What are you saying?” I ask. “You have had a fucked up life. You’re different. Those people tonight that came to see you”…(Dina laughs)…”they just pity you like we do,” Dina states. I didn’t know how to respond because I was in shock. Dina hit me hard with those words. She sounded so much like my mother. Everywhere I was going, people were cruel. My mind began thinking about Saundra and Lucky. I walk out of the office heading home. On the way home, I begin wondering about myself. The funny thing is I am ashamed to be in a job like this. Saundra and Lucky are genuine friends who truly are my dearest best friends. Sadness begins to sink in making me wonder about things. I come home going to bed still in shock over what Dina said to me. The next day Dina’s words feed my negative voice about my self value. The journey seems so difficult and she cut me regarding my family and Danielle. That was cruel yet I keep punishing myself. My friendship with Saundra and Lucky grew. They incorporated me into their family structure and in the process I began learning how a real family works. The love and friendship inspired me to learning and awakening within myself on all levels. No one had ever invested their time before to be a mentor, friends and family. I began sharing with them incidents, my experiences with the Star Restaurant. Saundra and Lucky began to point out that what the star restaurant was doing was wrong. No person should EVER be treated less than human. No person should EVER be talked to in such a foul manner. My best friends began pointing out how my conditioning as a child was allowing Dina to talk to me. The time was now to realize that I am say and I deserve love. The journey begins now with my self realization of self value. It was a learning that I never was taught before. In my adulthood I had to learn things on my own. Saundra and Lucky showed, demonstrated and supported me in my growth and development. Saundra and Lucky were breaking through my walls. I started to see with clarity that I was of value. Their love towards me and their caring began to open my heart. Wait a minute. They are right. Nobody should be treated with mal thought or mal intention. My old paradigms were changing. Everything began to click once I had fallen ill in late July. When I fell ill I had to take two weeks off from work. I still remember what Dina told me then. “Are you fucking kidding me? You better have a doctor’s note” After the illness I return to work with a doctor’s note. In the coming weeks I had to call off a few times due to my severe vertigo I was experiencing. I am deaf with a hearing loss of 60% in each ear. I have no hearing aides to help. One evening, Dina pulls me into her office after I had to call off due to my vertigo. “Listen to me. I know that you had a fucked up life. I don’t care. You are nothing. You’ll work and you will do it well. I don’t give a shit about your hearing loss nor does the Star Restaurant. The ADA laws that we enforce are only for appearence,” Dina says. Shaking my head, I walk out of the office. In August 2012, I was invited to an interview for a potential position as a general manager in training. I was pulled into the office by Dina once again. I am beginning to think I am the queen of being pulled into the office. My goodness even when I was in school, I was never in this much trouble. “You think you are going to be a general manager. Who the hell do you think that you are? No one. If wasn’t for your ex roommate You wouldn’t be here now you ungrateful person. Go ahead become A general manager. You won’t succeed,” Dina yells. Enough was enough. The time of my punishing myself was over. The days of me just lying down was done. I reported Dina to the new district manager. The woman apologized for how I was treated. She told me that I just needed to relax and forgive my general manager. The new district manager smiles at me, “Dinas burnt out and just acting out. She’s going through a divorce with a man that she had been married to for over ten years. You need to understand the human condition. You understand right, Miss Kat?” Standing there I just shook my head as to why in the hell did I come back. My logical mind was returning to me. In my sorrow I hid in the swamp. Well playtime was over and the crocodiles are not nice. The new district manager continues her counseling regarding Dina. “A great manager forgives and you know this,” She states. There was nothing that I could do at the moment.The next week Dina approaches me in the kitchen as I was cooking. “So you are writing a book about a heartbreak?”Dina asks. “Yes because it will help people,” I respond. “What do you know about love? You never been loved. You were in this relationship for six months. Really You know nothing of love. How could you? No one has loved you ever.” Dina states. I thought okay this is enough. I am standing up. “I don’t know what your problem is however back off on my past,” I state sternly. “You think you are special cause you’re writing a book, whatever.” Dina walks away. Dina quit the star restaurant and was sent back to a location in California the next week. New management came into the restaurant. They were young and they were hot shot managers that thought that they could change the world. During this time I decided to start looking for another job and return to San Antonio. Saundra and Lucky supported me with the deepest love and caring as best friends. They helped me with my resume and helped me understand that someone like me was valued. I was beginning to make a breakthrough in my walls and heal. I began to do job searches on the internet and started to attend job fairs and interviews. My eyes were opened for the first time in a long time. I felt alive that I could be valued and paid as a valued employee. I went through two months of job searches. There was one job that I had applied that really affected me emotionally. I took the online assessment test and didn’t pass. I was so angry and upset. I literally cried for hours. I even made a video podcast about failure on my series OUTSPokenWYN. I was not upset that I failed the assessment. I was upset that I had failed my friend Lucky. Lucky works at this same job that I was applying to. Her faith in God amazed me. Saundra had worked so hard on my resume. They had such faith in me that I would find another job. I felt that I had failed Saundra and Lucky when I had failed the assessment test. I was so afraid of telling them that I did not pass the test. In my mind I thought that they would be angry and disappointed in me. I was afraid that they would say you are nothing go away. I was torturing myself with that low self esteem. Saundra and Lucky would never say that. I perceived that because of my experiences as a child.
I remember when Lucky texted me about how I did. I shook from my core. I was so afraid. I saw Lucky as a role model of a very successful woman. I saw Saundra as the woman I wanted to be. They were both successful in their career paths. I realized that I was wrong in my fears when Lucky said it was not meant to be. I had been judging myself the whole time. I never had true friends like them until now. It is like being blind your whole life. Suddenly you can see and you protect it with your life. It is understandable and valid to a point. One of the keys to healing is trust. You have to trust that you will be okay. You have to shed the walls of hiding. You can only heal when you let go of the walls. I realized that Saundra and Lucky would not abandon me as friends. Instead they supported me in going forward with other jobs. They provided me with positive verbal enforcement to believe. They kept telling that I would find a new job. I would be happy. In November 2012, I had an interview with a retail chain. It was raining very hard that day. I went to Saundra and Lucky’s house that morning. Saundra advised me that I needed to go to the interview even in the rain. I went to the interview. Five days later I was hired at the retail chain that I am currently working at. I was so happy when I found out that I was offered a job. I remember screaming yeah baby yeah. I felt so happy. I had broken the cycle of I am not worthy. The job offer did not break the cycle. I broke the cycle by believing in myself. Saundra and Lucky gave me mentorship and guidance. I found myself when I began to believe in myself. Saundra and Lucky believed in me in a time that I could not see that value in myself. Their talks with me helped me understand how my low self esteem had held me prisoner. I did the work and now I was ready. The day came that I turned in my uniform to the Star Restaurant. Saundra went with me at my request. I was nervous because I did not know how the star restaurant would react. Saundra even took a video of the transition. I will always remember how I took the step and rose out of the low self esteem. I turned in my uniform that day. The manager on duty dropped her jaw. The manager could not believe that I did it. They thought that they held me a prisoner with their negative reinforcement that I was a no body. I was a somebody that changed their life. I realized I was valuable. All I had to do was believe in myself and have faith. My friends taught me that treasure. You are a valuable person. You do not have to put up with someone telling you that you are nothing. Allowing negative enforcement of your low self esteem keeps you a prisoner. I found that out. I was a prisoner of my low self esteem. It is a constant work every day to remember that I am a free woman. Survivors of a traumatic event will play out that they are not valuable. We will manifest behaviors and words from people to prove that our inner negative voice is correct. It is hard work to break the cycle. The end result is so positive and beautiful. We are not the prisoners of our past. We are the creators of our destiny. We may not be strong. You don’t have to be strong. You have to be willing to do the work of your core to find yourself. What you will find will change your life. It is a mindset of greatness. Positive reinforcement of value helps the mindset. You have to take care of yourself to find yourself. Some people might say its selfish. It is not selfish to heal yourself. It is not selfish to value yourself. Your life is a diamond. You are the mold of a beautiful pot put into the fire. Your life is your own. You just have to claim it.
Yüklə 0,64 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
|