"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

Are you being blackmailed, too?

Some children learn to use the love parents have for them as a lever against the parents. They agree to behave only if their parents give them money, the car, or permission to go and do as they please. They blackmail for favors; they withhold love if parents are noncompliant. This is extortion! They keep those who love them in a constant state of worry by being irresponsible or threatening to run away if their parents attempt to restrict or control their antisocial behavior. Some parents even fear they will be physically abused at the hands of their children. (Also, see NOTE #7, page 189.)

What part does pain play?

No one likes pain, but it is a natural and essential factor in our learning experience. When we touch a hot stove or a bare electric wire we get an unpleasant sensory message from the nerves in our hand. Our reaction is immediate and in a reflex action of only a split second we remove our hand. Pain will get your attention right now, and make you listen; it is an excellent teacher.

Parents suffer terribly when they see their children in pain. Some parents will do anything to save their children from pain and disappointment (a form of pain).

? Can you endure hearing your little one cry with a broken heart because you must tell her, “NO!!” ? HAVE YOU STRENGTH TO SAY, “NO!” ?

? Can you bear to say, “NO!” to a son who has lost car privileges for prom night? HAVE YOU ENOUGH LOVE TO SAY, “NO!” ?

? Do you have the courage to send a rude and insolent twelve-year-old from the table without dinner and hear him crying later? DARE YOU SAY, “NO!” ?

? Do you have the love to call the police when controlled substances (drugs) are found in your son’s room? HAVE YOU WISDOM TO SAY, “NO!” ?

? Do you have the strength to see your child miss out on a wonderful activity because he was too lazy to earn the money to go? CAN YOU SAY, “NO!” ?

YOU CAN SAY, “NO!”.........IF YOU CARE ENOUGH!

These situations are painful for parents and children The temptation is very great to relieve ourselves and our children from the pain that results from their irresponsible choices in life. You must endure the pain or your children will not learn how important it is to think first, and then to choose wisely. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 190.)

How should I punish?

Punishment is not beating a child or being cruel in any manner; that is child abuse and is never justified and, where observed, must be reported to the proper authorities. Punishment should be discussed in terms of negative consequences that are experienced by the child as a result of irresponsible, ignorant or disobedient choices and actions. It should be administered firmly and consistently by an understanding, gentle, kind and loving parent. Punishments and consequences can be natural or logical; both are effective. (Also, see NOTE #9, page 190.)

What are the natural consequences?

Natural consequences occur when ten-year-old Jimmy leaves his baseball mitt in the back yard and Skampy (the dog) chews it up. Jimmy paid $35 of his own money for that mitt and is really upset about it being chewed up. He is being punished for his irresponsibility in a natural way. His parents did not punish him; Skampy did!

What are logical consequences?

Logical consequences should be applied when natural consequences are nonexistent, too severe, or not practical. A logical consequence is something that a parent will create and use. Jimmy left his mitt out in the back yard and Dad saw Skampy start to chew on it. He rescued the mitt and put it in the miscellaneous items bag. On Saturday the bag was opened to give messy people a chance to buy back the items they had lost during the week (picked up by responsible people).

Now Dad could have let Skampy chew up the mitt, but he rescued it. Jimmy is charged $1.00 to retrieve the mitt. He complains, and Dad says, “You know the rules. If you don’t want the mitt for $1.00, I’ll keep it. Now the frown on your face raises a question. Are you unhappy I saved your mitt? If I ever see Skampy chewing your mitt again, shall I rescue it, or let him chew it up?”

But, isn't punishment harmful?

NO! Some parenting books and manuals claim that punishment is cruel and harmful to children. Many feel it does not work (change behavior), that it causes children to hate their parents, and that it is basically wrong and immoral to punish people. The contention is that we have no right to cause others pain.

First: All of the above claims are only the personal opinions of some writers.

Second: There are no scientific studies to substantiate these opinions or theories.

Third: Every one of their claims is FALSE.

Fourth: Hundreds of researchers in recent years (using the best scientific methods) have conducted over five hundred (500) experiments which prove over and over again that punishment, when used correctly, is very effective. (Also, see NOTE #10, page 191.)

How do I correctly use punishment?

Try to make the punishment "relative" to the offense. TV infractions result in loss of TV not an unrelated punishment such as losing desert. A punishment related to not making a bed is the loss of the bed, not having to wash dishes. Punishments for infractions that are related to the infractions seem to be more effective than arbitrary ones that the child does not relate to the infraction. Also, effective punishment is something that is punishing to that particular child. A 30 minute lecture by dad might be very desirable to a child who never sees much of dad. (Bad breath is better than no breath at all!) While dad thinks his lecture was a wonderful punishment, the child appreciated it and when she gets lonely for dad’s attention again, you can be sure she’ll do something to deserve another lecture. Dad’s lecture to her was a reward, not a punishment.

Effective punishment needs to be Intense because studies show mild punishers do not work. One lady complained that punishment wasn’t working in her home. She told the kids, “Absolutely no television in the mornings because it makes everybody late.” However, her children would not mind; they kept watching television. When asked what punishment she was using, she said, “Every time I catch them I scold them and turn it off immediately, but it’s not working.” Well, of course it was not working; she was using a very mild punisher! Rethinking, she decided to say nothing more; but the next time the TV was turned on in the morning she removed it from the home for a full week! Did it work? You bet! The games were over! Strong punishment works very well. (Also, see NOTE #11, page 191.)

Effective punishment needs to be Immediate! The sooner after the infraction the punishment is imposed, the more effective it is in modifying behavior; because the punishment is quickly “paired” (associated) with the misbehavior. Don’t make a child squirm; administer the consequences, get it over with and forget it. The longer it takes to administer punishment after the offense the less effective it is.

Summary: The more relative, intense and immediate punishers are, the more effective they are in modifying behavior. The intensity or severity of punishment need not be at the maximum but should be sufficient to modify the behavior. Cruelty and abuse are never justified.

NOTE: Some cautions about punishment:

? The more often one punishes, the less effective it is.

? Punishment tells a child what not to do; It does not (by itself) teach what the proper behavior is.

? Punishment should be given by the child’s caregiver who also furnishes much love and positive reinforcement.

? Criticism and ridiculing are punishers, but are abusive, and should never be used.

What are the four

types of punishment?

Physical Punishment: Swats and spankings, hopefully, are used very seldom. A positive behavioral program like the Token Economy eliminates the need for most physical punishment. However, for some children, the knowledge that physical punishment is a real possibility (and will be used if necessary) acts as a significant deterrent to dangerous and extreme misbehavior.

Reprimands: Strong negative verbal stimuli. “No! That’s wrong! Stop it now!” (Sometimes associated with a firm grasp and fixed stare.)

Response Cost:. Kids won’t pick up their own clothes, so mom picks them up and keeps them for a week. Two hours of chores are required to get them back. Kids soon figure out that it is less trouble to pick up their clothes in the first place. This is also called “overcorrection”.

Time Out: Two kinds, one for kids and one for mom.

For kids: Time out involves taking a child out of a stressful situation and putting them in a neutral (nonreinforcing) environment for about 3-5 minutes. If a child is becoming a nuisance and continuing to disturb the peace of the family by whining and misbehaving he/she should be put into Time Out immediately for as long as is necessary.

For Mom: The child is required to stay for as long as it takes for mom to feel composed again.

What is "Escape Conditioning"?

When a person is in pain “escape conditioning” is the use of a certain behavior pattern to escape the pain. When pain is present, but stops each time a certain action occurs, when pain is again experienced the likelihood that this certain action will be repeated is very high. Can you identify the responses which cause relief from discomfort or pain in the following examples?

? Johnny is doing difficult homework but stops to call his girlfriend.

? Dad is lecturing Susan and stops when she starts to cry.

? Jan keeps nagging mother for money and gets $5.00.

? Mom has had it with Scotty and turns him over to dad.

(Also, see NOTE #12, page 192.)

What is "Avoidance Conditioning"?

When a person is threatened with pain, “avoidance conditioning” is the use of a certain behavior pattern to avoid the pain. The pain is not yet present as it is in “escape conditioning”.

It is a threat! “Do this, or I’ll inflict pain!” Avoidance conditioning is when a certain behavior stops a punisher.

Examples:

? Mother gives Sara candy to avoid an embarrassing tantrum in the store.

? Mother agrees to let Lori not have a curfew so she won’t run away.

? Johnny makes his bed and cleans his room so he doesn’t lose car privileges.

? Father agrees with mother, simply to avoid a fight.

? John should clean his room now, but he sneaks off and doesn’t have to work.

Reinforcement or Punishment?

Which is Best?

To say that either reinforcement (for shaping and maintaining desirable behavior) or punishment (for extinction of undesirable behavior) is the best strategy in raising children is incorrect. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. Each can be superior to the other depending upon the problem and personalities involved. Both are very effective at times; and we cannot conclude that any effective technique should ever be eliminated.

Obviously, when used together, they often produce results that would not be possible using a single method alone. Nothing always works; there are no perfect answers. Therefore, the best a parent can do is to arrange the environment of the child so that he learns that acceptable behavior is rewarded; and while misbehavior (sneaking off and ditching chores, lying, stealing, etc.) might be rewarding in the short run, misbehavior is always followed by very undesirable consequences. (Also, see NOTE #13, page 192.)

Do consequences always work?

Some psychologists report that they never found a child on whom consequences did not eventually work. When parents complained that consequences did not work on their child, a closer investigation found that either:

1. The consequences were too weak, or

2. The Parents were inconsistent, or

3. The child got what he wanted in some other way (without earning it).

An overall, enduring system of consequences work miracles when it is fully understood and faithfully used; but if it looks like it has not been working, further investigation will inevitably reveal that the consequences have not been properly understood or consistently applied. (Also, see NOTE #14, page 193.)

What is "Satiation"?

Satiation is a behavior modification technique used to extinguish undesirable behavior. It refers to a condition in which an individual has experienced the reinforcer to such an extent that it is no longer reinforcing: “Enough is enough!” We all love hamburgers. They are reinforcing (pleasurable) to eat, but most of us would get sick of them (satiated) if that’s all we had to eat for a year; morning, noon and night. (Also, see NOTE #15, page 193.)

What is "Chaining"?

Chaining is a “stimulus/response” learning pattern. It is a way to teach behavior by chaining or linking together many small behaviors in such a way that each small behavior becomes a stimulus for the next behavioral response. That is:

Behavior #1 stimulates response behavior #2.

Behavior #2 stimulates response behavior #3.

Behavior #3 stimulates response behavior #4.

Each behavior becomes the stimulus for the next behavior in the chain. This stimulus/response cycle continues to the end of the chain which completes the task. In this way parents can teach a complex behavior pattern to a child by breaking it down into several smaller, connecting steps, with each step triggered by the preceding step, which in turn triggers the following step.

How is chaining done?

Learning to put on a pair of pants is accomplished by chaining several small behaviors together.

1. Take the pants out of the drawer.

2. Hold the pants up with the back pockets facing the boy.

3. Put one leg in one pant leg.

4. Put the other leg in the other pant leg.

5. Pull the pants up.

6. Button the top button.

7. Pull up the zipper.

Each behavior (stimulus) in turn triggers the next behavior (response).

THERE ARE THREE METHODS OF “CHAINING” AS FOLLOWS:

? TOTAL TASK PRESENTATION: With this method the parent has the boy attempt all the steps from the beginning to the end of the chain each time (with help) and continues with total task trials until all steps are mastered.

? FORWARD CHAINING: In this method the initial step of the sequence is taught first, then the first and second steps are linked together. Then, the third step is taught and linked to the first two and so on until the entire behavioral chain is mastered.

? BACKWARD CHAINING: In this method the behavioral chain is constructed in a reverse order from that in which the chain is performed. Therefore, the last step is taught first and practiced. Then, the next to the last step is taught and linked to the last step.

Is it OK to let the child know you

are recording behavioral data?

Of course. Explain why if they ask. “Well, you and sister are having so much contention, and neither of you can seem to stop it, so I’m going to try to help. Right now I’m just counting how often you fight. Later we’ll do some fun things to help you practice not fighting.” If he throws a tantrum right there, ignore it, or disengage, but don’t argue about it!

Why use a wrist counter?

You will find a wrist counter easier to record behavior; both yours and your children’s. (A wrist counter is what golfers use to count their golf strokes. They cost about $4.00 and you wear one like a wrist watch). Use it to count your nagging or other critical behavior toward a child, or your supportive reinforcers over a three to five day period. You’ll be amazed! You will also need it to count various behaviors of your child. It is easier and more convenient than paper and pencil.

Appendix to Chapter 5

NOTE #1 - Behavior, Rewards, and Punishment

? The more a behavior is rewarded (reinforced) the more it is strengthened and the more likely it will continue.

? The less a behavior is rewarded (extinction) the more it is weakened and the less likely it will continue.

Why? Because it makes sense to continue behaviors that produce desired results and it also makes sense to abandon behaviors that produce bad or no good results.

Good or Bad? Give? Or Take Away?

to strengthen and reward good behavior:

1. Give something “good” (Giving an ice cream cone is positive reinforcement),

2. Take away something “bad” (Canceling curfew is a negative reinforcement), or

3. Do both!

For good behavior remember to give good things, such as money, praise, extra privileges, etc., and to take away bad (undesirable) things, such as curfew for Friday night’s dance, chores on Saturday, restriction on TV after 9:00 p.m., etc.

to weaken and punish bad behavior:

1. Take away something “good” ($1.00 fine is negative punishment);

2. Give something “bad” (do dishes is positive punishment); or

3. Do both!

Both good and bad behavior are motivated by goals (highly desirable perceived needs). Understanding this principle teaches parents that they are wise to provide appropriate and nonmisbehaving ways for children to satisfy their normal needs. Stop and think when a child is misbehaving; do not just react out of frustration or anger. What goal (need fulfillment) is the child trying to reach?

NOTE #2 - Four Goals of Behavior

Attention goal: Mother is getting irritated at Wendy’s incessant whining and is tempted to finally yell and scold (give attention). Attention is usually the goal when you feel irritated. In this case mother decides to completely ignore the behavior and after a few days the whining stops. Ignoring will work better and faster if mother:

1. Finds constructive ways to give Wendy attention (when she is not whining).

2. Rewards Wendy for being “big” (Also, see Chapter 6 on Token Economy.)

3. Puts her in time out immediately and every time she starts whining (if ignoring is not working fast enough for mom).

Power goal: Teenager says, “I’m going out tonight whether you like it or not!” Mom responds, “No, you’re not! You are not going to associate with your slimy friends anymore!” Mom is angry! Power is usually the child’s goal when you feel anger. At this point mom is tempted to use more power. The power struggle has escalated over the past year and is now near violence. Ben weighs 185 pounds and is hostile! Mom weighs only 94 pounds; she can no longer sit on him to make him mind. Mom needs new skills and approaches to deal with Ben, and quick! Withdraw from power struggles!

Helpless goal: Suzy’s goal is to appear helpless as a technique to escape her responsibilities of studying and chores. Suzy hates math and is determined not to study it or do her homework. Dad is trying to help and explain, but Suzy only gives token effort and cries. Suzy soon “convinces” dad she really can’t do her math. Dad feels helpless. “No use trying; Suzy really can’t or won’t do it!” Suzy therefore escapes. Sometimes dads will “rescue” (do the hard problems). Parents must encourage but not rescue; rescuing enables an irresponsible lifestyle.

Revenge goal: “I hate you! I wish I’d been born in another home!” screams Ray. “So do I!” yells Mom. People into revenge have been hurt and are trying to hurt back. When parents feel hurt by children into revenge they instinctively want to hurt back, but that only makes things worse. Parents must not give hurt for hurt, or cruelty for cruelty; for pain begets pain. Do not respond in kind or the vicious cycle escalates. Love must be manifested to the vengeful one. Someone must stop the hate cycle.

Driekurs theory suggests that parents can tell what the goal of the misbehavior is by identifying their feelings when a child misbehaves. For instance: 1) when parents feel irritated the child is probably after attention, 2) when they feel angry they are probably in a power struggle, 3) when they feel helpless the child is probably trying to appear helpless and, 4) when the parent feels hurt the child is probably into revenge and trying to “hurt” the parent back for some reason.

NOTE #3 - Extinction

Extinction works best when used in conjunction with the reinforcement of an alternative behavior. The child whines a lot, so you begin rewarding the child for playing nicely with siblings. Every hour he plays quietly he gets three gold stars. Mother therefore ignores the child when he whines and rewards him when he plays nicely without whining. We ignore when we choose not to reinforce an undesirable behavior.

Ignoring is nonreinforcement. To ignore, do the following:

1. Stop talking to the child.

2. Break eye contact with the child.

3. Stop all facial expression; no frowns.

4. Turn away from child and busy yourself with something.

5. Refuse to acknowledge that you are even slightly aware of the child.

NOTE #4 - Shaping

Shaping is best understood by a simple example: Eight and nine year old Tommy and Heather are always late for breakfast. This causes stress and a bad spirit every morning. The target behavior is to have both children get into the kitchen early enough to fix breakfast, clean up the kitchen, pack their own lunches, and get off to school on time. One of the “hot buttons” for these kids is candy, so before bedtime mother shows the children a basket with several candy bars and assorted sweets and announces that whoever is properly dressed for school and at the breakfast table by 8:30 a.m. may pick one of the sweets to take in their lunch for that day.

After several days of success and reinforcement, mother announces that she appreciates their efforts and will give a sweet to each child who gets to the kitchen by 8:15 a.m. to help her pack their lunches. After a few days of success, she announces that for those children who will be in the kitchen, dressed, ready for school, will help pack lunches, fix breakfast and set the table by 8:00 a.m., she will give a sweet for lunch plus 25 cents each day. After being taught sufficiently to pack a lunch, fix breakfast, set and clear the table and clean up their mess, they are ready to take over. Mother compliments them regularly (social reinforcement) and presents a sweet (consumable reinforcer) and money (monetary reinforcer) as the behaviors are being shaped. Finally, mother announces that she will pay the children 50 cents per day to:

1. Be dressed and in the kitchen by 8:00 a.m.

2. Rotate preparing breakfast one week and packing lunches one week.

3. Set the table (one who prepares breakfast).

4. Clear the table (one who packs lunch).

5. Finish breakfast by 8:25 a.m.

6. Be out the door by 8:30 a.m.

This shaping procedure was all based on positive reinforcement. How could we strengthen this behavior? Well, we could increase the reward from $.50 to $1.00! Remember the pleasure pain/principle? The kids are seeking pleasure and getting it.