"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

Level 1

Stage 1 - Authority gives law: It is wrong to break a law because you’ll get punished; law is more important than personal needs. Law over people.

Stage 2 - Law is what is fair: What is fair is more important than what is law, what is fair is moral and right. People over law.

Level 2

Stage 3 - Moral is what is expected: We should have good intentions and feelings. People over law.

Stage 4 - Moral is what is best for society: Despite personal need or reason for breaking the law it is a crime against society and threatens to destroy it; laws are for society. Society over individuals.

Level 3

Stage 5 - Moral is not always what society claims (Nazi Germany): Personal rights are more important than “society”. We have a right to change bad law. Individuals over society’s law.

Stage 6 - There are universal principles of justice, human worth, etc. to which we owe first allegiance: It follows then, that orders or societies which deny or abuse these virtues can and should be opposed. Truths or principles which dignify man and protect his rights are universal and therefore take precedence over society as a whole. Our struggle should be to bring into harmony, with these universal principles of truth and virtue, the laws of government, society and our own personal lives. Universal Principles over all else!

NOTE #9 - Eight Stages of Development

Erik Erikson stands out among those who have helped us to better understand man. His field was the psy­ chosocial theory of development. He was a student of Freud, and tremendously expanded Freud’s concept regarding human development. Erikson believed that man advances and develops through life in a series of stages. He be­ lieved that these stages had to follow a certain sequence which could not be varied and that these stages transcended cultural lines, that they were cul­ tural universals.

He believed that each of these stages was distinct and sepa­ rate from the others, and that specific de­ velopmental tasks were the challenge at each stage. If those tasks were not mastered at each separate stage, a de­ velop-mental deficit would be carried into the next stage. These developmental skill deficits would compound the difficulties in solving the new crises found at all succeed­ ing stages.

Erikson believed that in order to develop a healthy personality there were eight ego strengths which would be developed along with other skills. Erikson believed that a healthy personality had to have hope, will power, purpose, confi­ dence, fidelity, love, care, and wisdom. He believed that personality growth took place through crisis, and that these crises are mo­ ments of heightened potential and in­ creased vulnerability.

Some psychologists see life as a constant process of grieving, of obtaining the new at the cost of losing the old. We grieve the old and in some sense fear the new and the unknown. The fact is that we must risk and suffer in order to grow. Through the struggles of solving problems at the various levels man develops character, personality and ego strengths. These ego strengths are gained (developed) by the individual facing and solving the developmental tasks at each stage.

The crisis at each level is whether or not we will accept the challenges and struggle through, and finish each develop-mental task in order to establish equilibrium (bal­ ance) between ourselves and our social world. We develop strength and skills as we meet successfully the crisis as each psychosocial level. A crisis (ac­ cording to Erikson) is a turning point in life at which time we have the choice or the potential to move forward or to regress. This means that we either achieve successful resolutions to our con­ flicts with soci­ ety or we fail to resolve them.

Life is the result of the choices we make at each stage. These developmental stages are not final achieve­ ments but rather ongoing battles. You don’t just fight and win as though victory is secured once and for all at some given time or age level. For in­ stance, mistrust is, and re­ mains, the dynamic counterbalance of trust throughout life. The personality is taking on the world and all its haz­ ards continu­ ally through each stage of life. Proper development presupposes a realistic and practical balance between trust and mistrust.

NOTE #10 - Trust versus Mistrust, ages 0 to 1

This is the first stage of human de­ velop­ ment. As the newborn child tries to obtain the things he needs, he interacts with his caretakers (parents), who follow their own culture’s ways of providing for children. The child begins to get an impression of the world and people. A sense of trust is the feeling that parents are predictable, reliable and will be there when the child is in pain or in need. Children who develop a sense of trust show it in their behavior. It is natural for a child to have separation anxi­ ety or fear of being away from the care­ taker. However, the more trust a child has in his world, the more willing he is to let his parents out of sight without undue anxiety or rage. Trust at this level is a basic faith in one’s providers.

It is important that we un­ der­ stand that Erikson does not sug­ gest that we teach our children trust alone. He be­ lieves that mistrust is absolutely essential to our experience too. Each stage has its opposite component. We cannot develop in a one dimensional experi­ ence; infants must develop both trust and mistrust. Obviously, if we developed only trust we would become too gullible. People are generally unaware that years ago the lit­ tle child (they were) made the de­ cision to trust or mistrust the world and people. Now, as adults, they are still hang­ ing on to that decision they made (as infants and small children years ago) of whether peo­ ple and the world can be trusted or not.

It is absolutely essen­ tial, Erikson concludes, that infants emerge from their first year with a fa­ vorable balance of trust over mistrust so that they de­ velop a positive atti­ tude about themselves and the world. If they develop more trust than mistrust they will develop the core ego strength of hope. Hope is the expectation that despite all the problems, frus­ trations and disappointments, good things will happen in the fu­ ture. Hope is reason for the child to aggres­ sively move forward into the world. Hope brings a great deal of energy and vitality to our problem solving capacity. Without a firm sense of hope, the ego can be over­ come (depression, etc.) by the problems of the world.

NOTE #11 - Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt,

ages 1 to 3

When a child is new­ born, he cannot perceive the differences (separate) between himself and his mother’s breast; he can make no distinction. From ages one to three however, the child develops to the point where he sees that he is a person; that he has his own will; that he is autonomous. In the normal course of maturation, the child is able to stand up, walk, get around and explore the world on his own.

Children this age in­ sist on feeding themselves; they don’t want to be fed. They are exercising their right to make a mess and their right to do what they will to do. Their language also demonstrates their newly found autonomy and sense of self-worth. They are constantly saying “me” and “mine” and most of all to express their autonomy, they say “no” many, many, many times. Some­ times they seem almost unable to say, “yes”. Through often yelling “NO!” many children seem to defy all external control as they reach peaks of willfulness and stubbornness. Soon society and the parents begin to teach them that they must be­ have.

If a child does not (or is not allowed to) develop a sense of autonomy, he will develop shame and doubt about him­ self. Shame and doubt come from an awareness that he is not fulfilling the social expectations put on him. Shame is the feeling that one does not look good in the eyes of others. Doubt about one’s own au­ tonomy stems from the realization that one is not very powerful after all, and that oth­ ers can control me and perform much better (for me) than I can for myself!

Hopefully, parents can strike a balance so that children learn to adjust to social regulations without elimi­ nating their initial sense of auton­ omy. It is im­ portant that children are disciplined without crushing their independence. Some parents try to train their children by shaming them if they mess their pants or have an accident in the bathroom. Some parents feel that they have to break their children of any opposition to their direc­ tion and that they must be completely obedi­ ent. In these types of homes children develop lasting feelings of shame and doubt which override any impulse toward self-determi­ nation and their own willpower.

Self-re­ straint is included in Erikson’s definition because he believes that it is important for children to learn to control their impulses. Still, the child, not the external power, is in charge at this time. This is the first stage in life where the child be­ gins to have his own willpower and con­ trol over his bodily functions; to be able to walk and really explore. The first year they were very, very dependent. Now they are beginning to feel independence through their sense of autonomy. Chil­ dren going through this age can seem very rebellious and headstrong, and there can be a tremendous power struggle starting at this point. “Self” control (not “other” control) and willpower come from a child developing a sense of autonomy or independence.

Parents who fight this independence can shame the child. Parents need to realize that children have the right to choose many things in their lives and parents should offer ample (many) opportunities for children to exercise their own will and feel good about it. Children need to feel that it is right to be indepen­ dent. The parents should establish a very accepting environment; one in which it is possible to make mistakes without criticism. Dependency makes us feel ashamed and doubtful about our own abilities. However, there are times when we should feel ashamed of what we have done. Children need to know that it is okay to make mistakes, that it is okay to experiment without hearing a thousand “NO’s.” It is said that a child hears about 40,000 “NO’s” by the time he gets to kindergarten; that’s an average of about 25 per day! Children need to de­ velop a sense of power; they need to know that it is essential to exercise that power and that it is not wrong to do so.

NOTE #12 - Initiative versus Guilt, ages 3 to 6

The major task here is to establish in children (in their own hearts and minds) the sense that they have a right to take the ini­ tiative and that it is not wrong to do so. Some par­ ents make their children ask before they can do anything; the child then feels that it is wrong to take the initiative, to have goals and to run his own life. Children at this age are still egocen­ tric; they think magically. This is the time of the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. Be very careful what you say to them because they believe it. It is difficult to reason with them because they are still preoperational thinkers (nonlogical). They do not yet realize that everything has a cause and effect, so make sure that you teach them that their decisions have consequences and that their initiative brings results.

If a child is invited, allowed and en­ couraged to set goals and to take the initiative, he will develop a sense of direction and purpose in his life. He should not be made to feel that it is wrong to live his own life because his parents disagree with it. This doesn’t mean that parents condone disobedience, but rather that the child has preference in life to set his own goals and should be encouraged to pur­ sue them. Sometimes children make terrible messes and have terrible failures but parents should not be judgmental, condemning and punitive in these situations.

We need some healthy guilt; when we do bad things we should feel guilty. We should not feel guilty though, for running our own lives. With guilt, we are burdened and our energy is sapped. If a child is thinking, “Am I selfish? Am I worthy? Should I go for the gold? Dare I? Don’t I deserve it?” the guilt undermines the child’s initiative. If there is too much guilt the child become internally dominated by strife and is weakened by this inner war. The child can then become rigid and self-controlled to the point of compulsivity. Remember the difference between shame and guilt: Guilt is “I made a mistake,” and Shame is “I am a mistake; I am flawed."

NOTE #13 - Industry versus Inferiority, ages 6 to 12

One of the greatest things for a child to develop is an appreciation for, and a love of work. Parents need to es­ tablish a strong and significant work pro­ gram in their home (depending on each individual child and his situation). Parents who were raised in the depression have often said that they would never require their children to work like they had to. As a result many of their children did not struggle and work. They became indolent, unhappy, self-centered and selfish people who today have poor self-images and feel inferior because they developed few skills. Re­ quire that your children work and earn, that they develop independence and take care of themselves in age appropriate, reasonable ways. Do not rescue or save them from the unhappy consequences of their laziness or irrespon­ sibility.

A child needs to grow up in an environ­ ment of industry and work. To develop a sense of industry is to develop a sense of confidence and power. This comes by doing, not by talking or by watch­ ing others work. The child must get his hands in the dirt, the dishwater, the toilet, and be required to persevere, endure and accomplish the job. After doing those tasks in life that are not fun (that indeed may be very distasteful at times) and passing through these experiences of work and struggle, the child emerges liking and respecting himself.

Academic skills are also necessary. Children need to learn to get along in society by using their heads as well as their hands. If we expect our children to develop actual competence and the confidence which comes with being competent, then a sense of “industry” has to be developed. The parent must model and teach so that the child has good examples to follow and ample opportunities to work. The child who does not acquire these skills knows it and does not develop confidence, but rather feels a sense of inferiority because he can’t take care of himself.

The great conflict at this stage is be­ tween developing a sense of industry or developing a sense of inferi­ ority. The sense of industry is part of self-worth and a component of self-es­ teem. If this experience in the six to twelve-year-old is not a good one, and the feeling of capability is not de­ veloped early in childhood, it will be very difficult to experience a sense of adequacy in later years. Future developmental stages will be more difficult as the child car­ ries his sense of inferiority forward.

We see many people in counseling situa­ tions who have negative self-images and feel­ ings of inadequacy and inferiority which disadvantage them in establishing personal relationships. Some are confused over their sexual iden­ tity possibly because of the lack of healthy associ­ ations. Others have a fear and an unwilling­ ness to face challenges. They lack initiative and are dependent upon other people. These are only some of the problems manifested in adulthood that originated because the child did not learn the skills of indus­ try, but rather learned to be dependent and inadequate.

We admonish parents to work along with their children in the yard, on the car or cleaning the house. Let them see how hard you work, how much you enjoy work, how good you feel when you work, how enthusiastic you are about it, and how satisfied you are about the work you do. The point is that children grow and de­ velop through their strugglings and strivings.

NOTE #14 - Identity versus Role Confusion, ages 12 to 18

Some psychologists have said that if peo­ ple at any other age acted as unpredictable and incoherent as adolescents do, they would probably be institutionalized! Sometimes adolescents feel a need to rebel against limits in order to have the freedom to establish who they are. They need to distance themselves from parents, so they often cause trouble to make the break easier. These struggles are to define who I am, where I am going, and how I will get there.

Adolescents experience much conflicting pressure from parents, peers and society. Therefore, they often find it very dif­ ficult to get a clear sense of identity, of what is right and wrong for them. They need to decide what their personal feelings, be­ liefs and desires are, and how to resolve conflicts with their parents and peers. This is a great decision making and character building period.

The adolescent’s task at this age is to inte­ grate a system of values which will give his life direction. In other words, he is constructing and formulating his own philosophy of life, and he has to make very key decisions relating to religious be­ liefs, sexual ethics and personal values. In searching for his own personal identity, models are especially important to him. Unfortunately in today’s world, many of his heroes are negative models; rock groups and movie stars often present immoral examples.

This is a time of testing limits, breaking depen­ dent ties and establishing a new identity outside the family; a personal identity that is no longer a child identity. Major conflicts for them center on clarifying their self-identity, life goals and life’s meaning. Again, this is a period of exploring, testing, turmoil, frustration, and pain. It is a period with the possibility of great development.

Parents who do not understand this developmental pro­ cess will have a tendency to be over-con­ trolling, perfectionistic, puni­ tive, critical and not understanding. This will bring even greater pressures on the child who will tend to rebel against the parent even more. Parents should not be alarmed when children some­ times express ludicrous ideas; they are just trying them out, and sometimes only “punching buttons”.

Do not react! Just listen to them! Let them express how they feel; let them know that it is okay for them to believe or to think differently than you do. If you insist they think, feel, want, and do exactly like you, they will probably rebel against you. They need to feel that they have the freedom to decide who they are, what they value and what they want to do with their lives. To test whether you will allow freedom or not they might punch your buttons and do some way-out things. They need to know however (verify) that no matter what they do, you will still love them.

They also need to know that this is your home and that your values have to be recognized here. Your boundaries must be hon­ ored; you have your rights, just as you grant children their rights. If you do not allow drinking and smoking in your home because you don’t do that, then you have a right to expect others to honor that rule while in your home. If they deliberately violate those bound­ aries, there should be consequences which are administered swiftly and firmly (without fail) but always in love and without anger.

A child should be al­ lowed to think and to believe according to their own conscience, but not to dishonor the home by forcing conflicting moral standards on the family. “I love and accept you unconditionally, but some behavior I will not tolerate in this home. Even though you have a right to your personal beliefs, I have a right to pro­ tect my home. As long as you live in this home I expect you to honor that.” Most kids will respect your rights to personal boundaries if it is explained in this manner. Violence and illegal activities can not be tolerated.

Sometimes, when parents express personal morals and beliefs a child will adopt opposites values just to make a statement that he has the right to be different from you and there’s nothing you can do about it. He might even know that the new values he adopts are wrong, but it doesn’t matter; he is “proving” he can do as he pleases!

Sometimes an adolescent will say, “I know what the school teaches; I know what my par­ ents believe, what they think, what they value, and what they hate; but what about me? What do I want, think, like, hate, or feel? What do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to go? Where do I want to live? What do I want to accomplish and why? What kind of man will I be? Whom will I love? Where will I work?" These are frightening ques­ tions. Parental voices no longer bring the security that they once did. Now he realizes that he has the right to change and must decide these things himself. If, in this developmental crisis, a child fails to achieve a sense of identity, then role confusion is the result.

At this point children also enter into for­ mal operational thinking and the fu­ ture becomes even more full of possibili­ ties and options. The potential conse­ quences of inescapable decisions loom before them and they become frightened because their thinking projects them far beyond their confidence levels and capabil­ ity. If children cannot decide on the ba­ sic questions of life, then they will not have an identity; they will not know who they are, or what they believe. They will become confused. Therefore, at this stage, the great crisis is to develop a good con­ cept of personal identity or else fall into con­ fusion, not knowing who one is or what one’s role in life is.

Identity lays the groundwork for the ability to be faithful and true to what you believe. If you don’t know who you are, what your values are, or what you believe, you will never develop the loyalty, stability and strong ego which is characteristic of a healthy personality. It is impossi­ ble to be loyal to something if you don’t know what it is. Sometimes our children will test us to see if we really, truly believe what we say. They want to see if we will stand by our principles and act accordingly. Sometimes they punch a button as part of the distancing process. They are beginning to grow up, to set the stage for breaking away and forming their own homes. They cannot know or learn who they are if we insist that they be exactly like us in order to be accepted or approved by us.

Often the peer group is the great vehicle of transition from youth to adulthood be­ cause the peer group allows certain securi­ ties while it also allows children to leave home. It’s too bad that studies show most peer influences tend to be negative. Often the child must make the home appear unattractive to himself in order to leave. Sometimes it’s easier for the child to break with the parents when home is not such a happy place than when it is very accepting and loving.

Do not overcontrol these children; they have to be free to make their own decisions about who they are. Be­ ing a parent gives you no license to abuse your children by forcing your “truth” upon them, however noble you believe in your heart that your “truth” is. You have no more right to make your children believe the way you do than you have to force the children down the street to believe like you do. Parenthood is not a license to abuse, coerce, unduly influence or manipulate. Intellectual, spiritual, emotional or psychological coercion of this type is child abuse. It is a betrayal of that child, making him feel guilty about what he wants to feel, and obligated to please you, or to “pretend” for the sake of your approval. As a parent, your responsibility is to influence, model, direct, coach and persuade in love, but never, never force the hu­ man mind. (Obviously small children, incompetents and dangerous situations modify this statement.)

The issue is not whether your values are worthy; the issue is that others have their own lives and the right to be­ come who they want. If you force others to be “something else” they end up in role confusion. If you do not know who you are, you cannot give your­ self to any cause or any person. Along with life and unconditional love, the greatest gift that a parent can give to a child is to pre­ sent a loving, marital model and a virtu­ ous individual model to follow.