"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

How do I use it?

A Warning that the room will be quarantined within 24 hours might be given by checking the warning box on the “Pigpen Award”. If parents post a Warning sign they might decide to collect a fine (the fine should be significant). If no warning is given and the room is quarantined, it is absolutely “off limits” and may not be used or entered until permission is given to enter for cleaning purposes only. Suggested procedure and options for Quarantine Warning!

1. The room is found to be below standards.

2. The Warning is posted by the parent.

3. The child sees the sign and cleans the room within the time limit posted on the Quarantine sign and returns the Warning to the parent for room inspection.

4. The parent inspects the room and levies a small but significant fine (inspection fee of $1 or more). If the room does not pass inspection the parent kindly but firmly still levies and collects the fine (room still under quarantine).

5. The child recleans the room if the parent gives permission, or the parent quarantines the room (depending on the effort of the child) for another 24 hours. If the child is allowed back into the room at that point, it is cleaned, inspected again, a second inspection fee is collected, and if it passes the room is off quarantine. Some families will only inspect once per day, so that a failure to pass is an automatic extension of quarantine. This stops more “games”.

A fine is collected every time the parent is inconvenienced by having to inspect the room. This stops the game of calling the parents back every 5 minutes to inspect the room. Fines must be paid or worked off before use of the room is granted. Parents can’t become collection agencies; so…..NO CREDIT!

There have been families who have required irresponsible children to sleep in sleeping bags in the front room or on the couch and wash out their socks and underwear every night until they cleaned their bedrooms and were allowed back into them. Bathrooms likewise have been quarantined until they were put in a sanitary condition again. When the quarantine procedure is faithfully used and allowed to work a little hardship (a few days of serious inconvenience) each time it is employed you will see permanent change in the children. Door sheets (Job Sheets) are put in clear plastic sheet protectors and hung on the appropriate doors. Tacks, tape, a string over the top of the door or even a hook mounted with tape can be used.

Have fun with the procedure, and when the kids get “caught” do not be judgmental and condemning. It is all “tongue in cheek”! The warning and quarantine procedure is meant to be half-humorous, half-serious. If you have trouble with children honoring the Quarantine Flags, for $5.00 to $10.00 you can buy keyed door locks. They are easy to install and very effective. Any discount hardware store will have them. Only parents hold the keys to bedroom door locks.

When a room is too bad, it must be quarantined immediately (without warning) for public (family) health and safety. The “quarantine” sign is simply posted. No person is allowed in the room nor access to anything in the room until the quarantine is lifted and the room pronounced “clean” by the great, wise “Inspector General”. A normal “quarantine” period is 24-48 hours but might be extended for repeat offenders.

Lock Out

Remember, only parents hold the keys to the bedroom door locks which have been installed and which can be locked in a minutes notice!

What is Maid Service?

Maid Service is a program which is discussed and taught in Family Council. It is used as necessary and put into force for a certain period of time by vote of the Family Council or by direction of the parental authority. Basically it is a very simple program that is designed to see that the home remains neat and orderly. (See page 263.)

Maid fees are paid, for example, to persons who pick up items that are left around by irresponsible and messy family members. Maid fees are earned by doing household duties and services for other people who have not done them well or who have forgotten to do them at all. The principle is simple: irresponsible people pay for their irresponsibility with certain specified fees, paid to the family member who must pick up their clothes, etc., or do the work they have forgotten to do. If we expect others to be our “maids” we should expect to pay them for their services.

Any complaining at all about having to pay maid fees automatically doubles the fee. One fee goes to mom or dad who had to listen to the complaining and one fee goes to the person who performed the services. Fees are set in Family Council as needed. You may want to date and have the Maid Service program sheet show the specific period of time it will be in effect (if not indefinitely). It can be signed by all family members or not, as you feel best. Fees should be set high enough to make people eager to serve as maids while causing the irresponsible party enough expense (pain) to definitely conclude, “I can’t afford maid service; it’s too high!” Set your own fee schedule according to the age levels of the children. It might look like:

What is the Trust Bank?

Lessons in Integrity. The Trust Bank concept teaches that trust is earned by acting trustworthy. This is a very powerful teaching tool. Being trustworthy is being worthy of trust. We prove we are worthy of trust by our actions. A child is always pushing the limits and claiming, “You don’t trust me!” as though parents should automatically trust them before they have demonstrated their worthiness and capacity to be trusted. To help understand what kind of personal actions earn trust from others, we put four simple virtues on the four steps leading up to the Trust Bank. You can change them to suit your purposes, but these have served well. (See pages 251 - 252.)

What are trust bank deposits,

withdrawals and bankruptcy?

Deposits are made into our Trust Banks by each personal action that demonstrates we are worthy of trust. Withdrawals take place when we have an opportunity to demonstrate we are trustworthy and fail to do so. Bankruptcy of the trust bank occurs every time there is a major breech of trust; when trust has been violated either by untrustworthy actions or failure to perform as promised (this includes lying, and other moral issues).

Should you trust because you love?

NO! Trust and love are very different. Love is unconditional. You can trust or not trust people whether you love them or not. Parents love their children deeply and unconditionally whether they are the prettiest, strongest, smartest or the best athlete in school. Unconditional love is freely given (not earned) regardless of any other factor. Love is always there. Trust is conditional. Trust is earned and given only upon certain conditions and only to people who have consistently demonstrated that they are worthy of our trust. What influences people to trust us? What do we have to do to earn and to be worthy of the trust of others?

Can you name the 4 steps to trust?

Step 1 - Accountability.

This means that we take full personal responsibility for everything we say or do. If we break something, we don’t blame others or try to get out of repairing or replacing it. Accountability also means we take full responsibility for everything we fail to say or do. When we are accountable, we are willing to accept the full consequences for all our words and actions! In short, we admit to ourselves and others our mistakes. Then, more importantly, we correct them, ask forgiveness or do whatever it takes to make amends. Being accountable is being willing to be responsible to yourself and to others for everything you do and say, and then doing what is right by everyone!

Step 2 - Dependability.

Being dependable is fulfilling our responsibilities to ourselves and everyone we are responsible to. Being dependable means people can count on us to do what we said we would do, be where we said we would be, when we said we’d be there. Most of all, they can count on us to keep our word every time; not just sometimes or most of the time, or only when it’s convenient or doesn’t require a sacrifice.

Remember, dependability means people know exactly where we are because we told them where we would be. They know exactly when we’ll be somewhere because we told them what time we would be there. They know what we are, or will be doing because we told them what we would be doing. They know who we are with because we told them who we would be with. Dependability means people can count on us every time because we are consistent. It takes time to prove we are dependable. Being dependable is cleaning our room, doing our home work, and being on time.

Step 3 - Good Judgment.

This entails selecting the morally correct course of action after carefully gathering all the necessary facts and weighing them. Two words: good and judgment. “Judgment” is the ability to weigh the facts, observe the situation, and then make a decision. “Good” means that the decision is based on fact; not prejudiced with personal needs or desires and that it is an accurate and proper choice. “Good” also implies a choice of: right not wrong, correct not incorrect, good not bad!

Good judgment then, is the correct and moral evaluation of a set of facts, and implies the choice of the proper course of action. Good judgment also assumes the person has had enough experience with people and situations in life and that they have sufficient facts to draw upon to make the correct decision. Good intentions are no substitute for experience. There can be no justified confidence in decisions made by people who have had little experience in life or who are “emotional choosers!”

Step 4 - Honesty.

Honesty is the glue that holds our society together and insures our good judgment, our dependability and our accountability. Without possessing integrity or honesty, it is impossible to have any of the other three virtues. Integrity is “not exaggerating”. It is telling the “whole truth” even when it will cause our parents to say “No!” If we have integrity, our parents know they can believe every word we say. They know that you would never lie to them no matter how much pressure you receive. Without truth, without integrity, there can be no trust.

We build integrity by always telling the truth, never lying by shading the truth or misleading by giving only the facts (partial truth) that serve our purposes. If we can see our parents are about to give us permission to do something based on their lack of knowledge of some very important facts, we are being dishonest if we do not make them aware of those facts, especially when we fear knowledge of those facts will probably cause them to decide opposite of what we are hoping for. Having integrity and being honest is doing the right thing regardless of personal sacrifice.

How can parents help the child?

You teach by modeling, and encourage by pointing out ways a child can show you Accountability, Dependability, Good Judgment and Honesty in their daily lives. When children are able to demonstrate these attributes of character, parents can put check marks or stars on the step which has that particular virtue. A parent will require one or more stars for each step, depending on the child, age, etc. Breaking trust into the four attributes mentioned above and requiring children to develop those virtues helps young people understand, appreciate and value trust. They come to realize that it is their responsibility to develop, to demonstrate and in a word to become worthy of trust, or to “IN-DEED” be, “TRUST-WORTHY”!

Other factors underlying trust

Parents can absolutely trust in the child’s integrity and intentions and still deny his request to go somewhere or to do something. More often than not, when the child hears “No!” he will say, “You don’t trust me!” Some parents get confused and say, “Of course we do!” and eventually give in. In these situations, parents need to point out the distinctions between not trusting the child and not trusting other aspects involved in the request.

Example: “Sweetheart, we really do trust you, but we do not trust the place.” Friends, situation, activity, etc. might seem risky? So, parents can say “No” if they don’t trust or if they are worried about something. Some parents have said, “I just can’t put my finger on it but I don’t feel good about it, and my gut reaction is ‘No’. I can’t tell you why; call it parental intuition. I love you and I’d be worried sick and never forgive myself if something happened to you. At this point my concern over your safety must take priority over you having a good time. All my instincts say ‘No’. It has nothing to do with you Sweetheart; it is just the timing or the people, the place, the activity, etc. Sorry, but no. I love you and that’s why!”

NOTE: If the parents don’t trust the child, then they should be honest and say, “We don’t trust you. You have lied to us in the recent past and misled us and truthfully we can’t believe what you say. These are the obvious consequences of your lying and breaking the trust between us. Do you want to work with us on ‘trust’ so that you can enjoy more privileges?” If you do trust the child, then let the child know that your “No!” was not for lack of trust in him/her. (Also, see NOTE #2, page 239.)

How do you strengthen/weaken

behavior?

To strengthen a behavior:

1. Use Tangible reinforcers (tokens, treats, toys, etc.).

2. Use Social reinforcers that include positive recognition and encouragement (a smile, touch, hug, listening, etc.).

To weaken a behavior:

1. Use nonreinforcement (ignoring, or no reinforcement).

2. Use punishment.

3. Use reinforcement of a replacement or competing behavior.

4. Try a combination of A, B & C.

Remember: Behavioral changes are gradual and depend on consistent reinforcement.

How do I get started?

First steps in starting a behavioral management program:

1. Specify the exact behavioral goal you wish to achieve.

2. Observe, count and record (on Data Card and Data Graph) each of the behaviors. Note the reinforcers. Pinpoint the specific problem behavior.

3. Establish a statistical baseline by observing behaviors for 3 or 4 days.

4. Plan and specify the individual steps required to get there and the reinforcers needed to strengthen the new behavior.

5. Remember absolute consistency is king. Reinforce immediately and every time!

6. Time Out is often (in young children) the principle means of weakening undesirable behavior.

Do not punish, nag, or criticize. Often behavior is decreased merely because of mom saying, “That’s another one!” and recording it. Children watch what you do! Keep the record in plain sight if it serves your purpose (some use the refrigerator door). Observing, counting and recording data keeps us on the program and shows progress that we would otherwise not be aware of. Progress, even in small steps, encourages us to keep up our efforts. Select a target behavior, one that occurs five or more times a day (teasing, hitting, tantrums, noncompliance, sassing, swearing).

To set up a program:

1. Set specific behavioral goals,

2. Assess where the child is now in relation to that goal, and

3. Use small and specific steps to achieve the goal.

It is very easy to accidentally reinforce problem behaviors. Do not punish performance that is less than perfect. “Bribing” is not a behavioral modification technique. If the behavior does not change you should reevaluate your program and how you are using it. You do not have an impossible child.

A good program tracks two responses:

1. Undesirable (antisocial) behavior you wish to weaken, and

2. Desirable (prosocial) behavior that will take its place.

Therefore, if kids are fighting, state in behavioral terms your two objectives:

1. To weaken the antisocial behavior: fighting with sister.

2. To strengthen the prosocial behavior: playing cooperatively with sister.

When to use Time Out:

Time Out means “time out” from reinforcing. Harsh or unnecessary physical punishment can have an emotional aftermath. Time Out is a mild but usually very effective punishment. To use Time Out effectively parents must be 100% consistent. The Time Out room must be a very dull place (nonreinforcing), the duration should usually be from one to five minutes. Both parents should participate. (See pages 170 - 172.)

Before using Time Out:

1. Pinpoint and count the problem behavior.

2. Reinforce prosocial behavior consistently.

3. Explain the Time Out program to the child.

If punishment is necessary:

1. Intervene early (before stress builds too much).

2. Stay calm.

3. Set up a program to reinforce competing (other) behaviors.

A note or two: Behavior changes slowly, so be patient. It took 5 or 10 or 15 years to get that way. Don’t give up! Contracts are used to make use of “nonsocial” reinforcers. Don’t be stingy with reinforcers; be fair, and above all be reinforcing.

Much of the unhappiness in our homes is caused by all the punishing we do to each other in the form of nonreinforcement of good behavior, and criticism of bad behavior. It is ignoring our virtues and critically focusing on our shortcomings which invites an unhappy and contentious spirit into our homes. Socially reinforcing is just noticing and giving attention to positive people, things and situations (behavior).

For the aggressive child:

1. Characteristics of the aggressive child are: high rate of hitting, teasing, and noncompliance, especially in inappropriate situations.

2. Contract for reducing noncompliance.

A. Identify specific noncompliant behaviors.

B. Establish a baseline.

C. Reinforce prosocial behaviors.

D. Use Time Out for noncompliant behaviors.

E. Chart progress in the program

3. To start with, practice little behaviors that are easy and fun to comply with. Make it a game at first so the principle of compliance and reinforcement are quickly associated.

4. The aggressive child’s brothers and sisters should be included in the program.

What is "Trained Incompetency"?

A child is trained to be incompetent every time a parent knowingly or accidentally reinforces a child for being or acting helpless. If a child is slow or having a hard time combing his hair or dressing, etc., Mother might rush in and say, “Here, let me help you with that!” or “Mommy will do that for you!” Because mother won’t take the time to let Junior do it for himself the child learns to dawdle and stall until someone does it for him. When this occurs and a pattern develops the child learns to be dependent and incompetent. Soon no one expects the child to perform or to be capable and responsible. Trained incompetency or "learned" incompetency is the result of parents rescuing and failing to take the time and effort to plan programs for skill training.

What are social reinforcers?

They are expressions of approval for a behavior. Getting smiles, attention, praise, hugs, kisses, and hearing an excited parent say, “That was great! Good Job! Keep it up!” are all pleasant payoffs for approved behavior. They strengthen the behavior and increase the possibility it will reoccur. If you laugh at the inappropriate antics of an eight-year-old, you might be reinforcing an undesirable behavior which the parents do not appreciate. Social reinforcers can be used for reinforcing good or bad behavior.

Perfection or improvement?

Your goal in a behavior modification program is not perfection. Most children tease, whine, beg, hit, and get angry sometimes. Most kids even try lying or stealing at some time in their youth. We don’t believe it is possible, and certainly not desirable to create children who never cry, fight or disagree with us. Our targets are the behavioral excesses. The goal is to use behavioral modification techniques to keep the teasing, hitting, etc., within normal and tolerable limits. Please don’t expect perfection, but if you work hard you can expect significant reduction in these behaviors!

Why must punishment

only be used sparingly?

Studies show that individuals who give the most reinforcement receive the most reinforcement; and persons who give the most punishment receive back from others the most punishment. We get back (in amount and kind) what we give out! When properly applied punishment often produces rapid changes in behavior, but used to excess it becomes less and less effective!

Why do parents "Hit"

their kids so much?

Often parents yell and scold until the child’s behavior reaches intolerable levels. Then, in a rage, they rush in hitting left and right, trying to get back in control. This is harmful discipline and done by parents who have not been taught correct principles. (Also, see Chapter 1 on Parent Traps and The Rage Gage.) Experience teaches parents when to ignore and when to step in early and take action. If you decide you must punish, stay calm and act immediately. Catch the problem in the beginning and administer a consequence every time. Most of us would rather not be troubled, but it is important to take action early in order to avoid stress and the greater problems and necessity of punishment which certainly follow.

Remember: “A STITCH IN TIME....!”

Are children: Super Adapters?

The family creates an atmosphere that has an impact on every family member. When antisocial or maladaptive behavior is adopted by one member of the system, it is that person’s adaptation to that particular environment or family system. We develop patterns of behavior in order to adapt to our environment the easiest and most profitable way for ourselves. When we observe disobedient or maladaptive children, we are observing the behavior which is their best interpretation of what they must do, or say, or be, in order to get the maximum benefit from their environment (with the least amount of effort).

Children are survivors and they adapt well to their environments. When they are “misbehaving” we may look and say, “Horrible! That child is maladapted (poorly adapted). He is using “bad” behavior.” (Children can not be “bad” or “evil” before their brains have developed enough to allow them to make real “moral” distinctions between good and evil.) We might say that even if the behavior is bad it certainly is "functional" as far as the child is concerned! It “works” for them anyway! (Also, see NOTE #3, page 241.)