"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by
Yüklə 2,18 Mb.
|
The Trust Bank Trust must be earned. The child must learn how to build the four qualities that will cause others to trust him. Parents need to allow the child to demonstrate that he understands the four steps to earning trust by allowing him to first explain each of the four principles and then demonstrate them by his performance in life. The four principles are: 1. Accountability, which means we are willing to accept the consequences for what we do or fail to do. We do not blame others or make excuses; we admit our mistakes and correct them. Even when we unintentionally cause harm we pay the damages. We act responsibly in all our dealings with others. 2. Dependability, which means people can depend on us to put forth the effort to do our job, do it on time, to come through in spite of difficulties, and to not make decisions that conflict with our obligations to others. People can count on us to be where we say we’ll be, when we say, and be doing what we are expected to be doing. 3. Good Judgment, which means that: ? We think things through and do not act impulsively ? We make decisions that are consistent with long-term benefits and not short-term pleasures ? Safety is always first and our decisions would never endanger lives or property ? Our head rules our heart ? We have adequate life experience to consider all relative and important factors and possible consequences ? We are able to discount and resist unwise peer pressure in favor of decisions based upon fact and what is morally right, and ? We do not make unwise commitments. 4. Honesty, which lies at the foundation of trust. Honesty starts with self. Being honest has to do with gathering all the facts and doing what is right. If we believe what we want to believe rather than what is completely true, we are deceivers. We are deceivers if we tell half-truths, exaggerate or hide the truth from others. If a boy does not tell his parents what they would need (or want) to know in making a decision, he is dishonest. If a he is absolutely honest and doesn’t play games with the truth, parents will believe everything he says. If however, parents know he only tells partial truths or exaggerates they will constantly worry. Children must be honest with themselves, their friends, and with their parents and family. It takes courage to be honest; to face the music or be denied permission because one tells the truth. Dishonesty sows the seeds of mistrust. Integrity (personal honesty) is the foundation of a great character and the key to establishing loving, intimate relationships. Integrity (honesty) is above price. Only After children have demonstrated that they are worthy of trust can they be trusted. If they prove themselves untrustworthy by their actions they bankrupt their trust banks and must start over. They are denied the privileges of trust for a time. After they have expended significant time and effort in making new Trust Bank deposits and finally earned their trust back they are much less likely to bankrupt their Trust Bank again because of the great investment they have in it. Note the different objects of trust. In order for a parent to trust a situation: A. The place must be trustworthy B. The company of friends must be trustworthy C. The activity must be trustworthy D. The child must be trustworthy The child may be perfectly honest, dependable, accountable and normally exercise good judgment but the parent may still say, “NO!” because the parent feels that in spite of good intentions the life experience of the child is possibly inadequate for the child to handle all the possibilities that a particular situation might present. Under these circumstances when a child says, “You don’t trust me!” a parent can respond, “I do trust you Sweetheart but I don’t trust the activity.” (Or the situation or place or those people, etc.) “I feel you are in over your head with this situation.” was appropriately said to a sixteen-year-old girl who wanted to accept a date with a 25 year old divorcee. Chapter 7 Child Development Why study child development? To understand your child and intelligently respond to him, you need to understand how he develops and grows. To not understand, or know where your child is in relationship to these developmental processes, puts you at a serious disadvantage. If you do know what behavior is age appropriate and what is not, you will be more understanding of the challenges and difficulties your child is facing at each stage of development. This section will give you an introductory exposure to three areas of child development. ? Cognitive Development ? Moral Development ? Psychosocial Development There is one thing that needs to be said in terms of childhood development; mentally healthy parents and a strong marital rela tionship are vitally important to the child. Add to that the acquisition by the parents of correct training principles and skills and you have the proper combination for creating an environment that will provide the most responsive and happy children.
Cognition is knowing, perceiving, understanding or gaining insight. Therefore cognitive development involves gaining the capacity to think and to reason. Sometimes pushy parents try to teach a child before he/she has the capacity. The ability to reason is partly a function of brain development and experience. Some parents fail to realize that a child’s brain is not just small, it is not completely formed. Certain areas of a child’s brain are still growing, and until it is fully developed a child simply does not have the capacity to think as an adult does. Children are not just small adults with small brains; their brains, like their bodies, are not yet fully created. (Also, see NOTE #1, page 279.) What are the four stages of cognitive development? These four stages of cognitive development were first recognized and defined by a famous developmental psychologist by the name of Piaget. STAGE 1 - Sensory Motor Intelligence: Approximately ages birth to 2 years. Babies develop physical actions such as reaching, grasping, shaking and hitting in order to deal with their new world. STAGE 2 - Preoperational Thought: Approximately ages 2 to 7 years. Children learn to think and use symbols, language and internal images. Their thinking is unsystematic, illogical, “magical” and very different from that of adults. They cannot yet hold two concepts in mental focus at the same time and evaluate them. STAGE 3 - Concrete Operations: Approximately ages 7 to 11 years. Children begin to think systematically and logically, but only when they are dealing with concrete objects and activities. STAGE 4 - Formal Operations: Approximately ages 11 to adulthood. Young people finally develop the capacity to think systematically on a completely abstract and hypothetical plane. In the child’s new world he is constantly receiving new information, opening new files, reorganizing the information into useful, coherent systems, and progressing from one stage to the next.
The human mind consistently seeks to analyze the environment and to organize ideas into coherent systems. We are constantly building hypotheses and mental theories to “figure things out”. Therefore, to give incoming data meaning and relevance, we organize it so that it makes sense to us. An experience with a new flavor of ice cream is put in the “ice cream file” and not the “animal file” or the “weather file”. (Also, see NOTE #2, page 279 and NOTE #3, page 280.) Sensory Motor Intelligence: Ages 0 - 2 Stage 1 This stage has six periods which will only briefly be outlined. Period I Period IV Birth to One Month Ten to Twelve Months The Use of Reflexes The Coordination of Secondary Schemes
Primary Circular Reactions Tertiary Circular Reactions Period III Period VI Four to Ten Months Eighteen Months to Two Years Secondary Circular Reactions The Beginnings of Thought (Also, see NOTE #4, page 280.)
When a child develops to the point that she realizes toys and things exist out of her sight, she has learned object permanence. This too, goes through various stages of development as outlined below. Stages One & Two: 1 to 4 Months In stages one and two babies have no idea that objects exist outside themselves. If an object leaves their field of vision and does not reappear, they make no attempt to search for it; it has ceased to exist. Out of sight, out of mind. Stage Three: 4 to 10 Months If objects are dropped from their line of vision they will look where the object has fallen. They can find partially hidden objects but not those fully out of sight. Stage Four: 10 to 12 Months Here is a genuine sense of object permanence. If a toy is completely hidden under a blanket the child will search because he knows that it still exists even if he can’t see it. However, after he finds the hidden toy at point “A”, and you hide it a second time at point “B”, he will return again to point “A” and search for it where he was successful before. He cannot yet follow a series of displacements (changing hiding places). Stage Five: 12 to 18 Months Children can follow a series of displacements as long as they see us make them. If a marble rolls under the couch, a child in stage five would approach the couch at the point where the marble disappeared. Stage Six: 18 to 24 Months Children can follow a series of invisible displacements. If they see a marble roll under a couch, they can visualize in their minds the trajectory and realize that the marble would roll under and behind the couch. They then go around the couch to look for the marble, unlike the stage five child who cannot mentally visualize this. Preoperational Thinking: Ages 2 - 7 An operation is a logical mental action that is reversible. A four-year-old child cannot yet logically think through a problem and then reverse the logic. He is said, therefore, to be preoperational. A four-year-old child is shown two tall narrow glasses which are filled to the same level with water and is asked if the two glasses have the same amount of water. The child agrees they do have the same amount. The water from one of the glasses is then poured into a bowl that is wider and shorter. The water level in the bowl is now much lower than the water level in the glass. The child is asked if the amount of water in the bowl is the same as the amount in the tall glass. In preoperational thinking, the child cannot see that the amount of water is the same, but only sees that the water levels are different and therefore concludes that the amounts are different. (Also, see NOTE #5, page 282.) Concrete Operations Thinking: Ages 7 - 11 When children are able to solve the problem of liquid and number conservation they enter the world of concrete operations. When a concrete operational child sees the liquid conservation problem described above she reasons, and can determine what happened. For example: Identity 1. You haven’t added any or taken any away, so the amount has to be the same. Compensation 2. The glass is taller, but the bowl is wider, so they amounts are still the same. Inversion 3. The amounts are still the same because you can pour the liquid back into the glass to the level it was before. (Also, see NOTE #6, page 283.) Formal Operations Thinking: Ages 11 - Adult In formal operations, a child’s thinking is stretched to the higher level of purely abstract and hypothetical reasoning. They can think about their own thought processes and order them in their minds without the aid of tangible objects or activities. At this level adolescents can work very scientifically, considering and mentally evaluating the solutions to a problem. When adolescents identify all the potential solutions, and systematically test them, they are working as true scientists. At this level adolescents can understand such abstract principles and ideals as liberty, justice and love, and they can envision hypothetical societies better than their own. They are now equipped to wrestle with the great existential issues of life: Who am I? What do I believe? What is life? At this time ( approximately age 11 to 18) they begin their struggle of working through the issues of personal values: What do I think? What are my feelings? What is true, right and just? Who should I become?
Moral development involves developing the capacity to comprehend right and wrong. Lawrence Kohlberg expanded Piaget’s two-stage theory into six stages. He taught that children do what is “right” to them based upon a gradually increasing awareness of, 1) themselves, 2) their close association with family, and 3) their community and universal views. An overview of the stages is as follows: Level 1 - Preconventional Morality Stage 1: Obedience and Punishment Orientation Stage 2: Individualism and Exchange
Stage 3: Good Interpersonal Relationships Stage 4: Maintaining the Social Order
Stage 5: Social Contract and Individual Rights Stage 6: Universal Principles (Also, see NOTE #7, page 285.) What is preconventional morality? This is the level where children do not yet speak as members of society, or in terms of what is good and fair to others. Instead their morality (sense of “right and wrong”) is something external to themselves, something imposed upon them by “big people” whom they obey to avoid punishment. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 286.) What is conventional morality? This is the level where social “convention” dictates the moral thinking; what is good for our relationships and society. Children are usually in their teens when they enter this level. This level and beyond correspond to Piaget’s “formal operations” thinking where abstractions and hypothetical situations can be evaluated mentally. This is the time when abstract concepts such as justice, sacrifice, love and altruism can be understood. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 286.) What is postconventional morality? At this level of moral development people begin to question society and it’s values. They begin to see beyond society’s morality and its right to set the standard. They look to more ideal principles. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 288.) How can we help moral development? We can use the Socratic teaching method whereby a moral issue is raised and the students are asked to give a viewpoint. The teacher then asks questions which allow students to see the inadequacies of their views. They are then motivated to formulate better positions. This method has often produced significant results in personal moral development. Basically a child takes one view, becomes confused by the addition of significant contradictory information; and then finally, resolves the confusion by forming a more advanced and comprehensive position. Does gender affect development? For males, advanced moral thought revolves more around rules, rights and abstract principles; the ideal is having perfect justice. For females, morality centers on interpersonal relationships and the ethics of compassion and care; the ideal is more affiliative ways of living. For women morality is more within a context of real life situations and ongoing relationships, whereas for men it is found in abstract solutions to hypothetical dilemmas. Mother, baby, and stress Some psychologists have advanced the belief that in the first few months of life there is a special kind of empathy between mother and child which causes a child to feel the mother’s state of tension. If the mother feels anxious, the baby is anxious; if the mother feels calm, the baby is calm. These early impressions on the baby influ ence later attitudes. Therefore, it is very important that the parents feel confident and self-assured so that the baby will not become frightened of per sonal contacts. Confident, peaceful and loving parents create an environment that communicates to the baby that she is basically good; that she is treasured. This child learns that being close to others is safe and desirable because per sonal relation ships are warm and rewarding, not painful or to be feared. What are the eight stages of psychosocial development? The following is a list of the developmental stages presented by Erik Erikson: Age 0 to 1: Individual drive and hope depend upon developing a greater sense of trust than mistrust in life. Ages 1 to 3: Individual self-control and willpower depend upon devel oping a greater sense of autonomy than shame and doubt. Ages 3 to 6: Individual direction and purpose depend upon developing a greater sense of initiative than guilt. Ages 6 to 12: Individual skills and competence depend upon develop ing a greater sense of industry than inferiority. Ages 12 to 18: The ego strengths of devotion and fidelity depend upon developing a greater sense of identity than role confusion. Ages 18 to 35: The ego strengths of affiliation and love are developed when there is greater intimacy than feelings of isolation. Ages 35 to 60: Production and care result from developing more generativity than feelings of stagnation. Ages 60+: Fulfillment and wisdom result when there is greater ego in tegrity than despair. (Also, see NOTE #9, page 289.) Will my child trust or mistrust? Ages 0 - 1 Stage 1: Trust or Mistrust? In the exchanges be tween parents and babies it is most important for the child to be impressed that there is consis tency, predictability, and reliability in the world. When the child senses that the parents are consis tent and dependable he develops a basic sense of trust in the parents. The child knows that when he is cold, wet or hungry, he can count on others to relieve the discomfort, thereby learning that people are “trust-worthy” and the world is safe and sane. (Also, see NOTE #10, page 290.) Will I develop autonomy or shame and doubt? Ages 1 - 3 Stage 2: Autonomy or Shame and Doubt? At this stage the concern is developing autonomy instead of shame and doubt. If the child develops a sense of indepen dence and autonomy, he will begin to have a need for self-control and will develop his willpower. The child will want this “self-power”, not “other people’s power”. Children who are not allowed to feel au tonomous will get the message that they are not capable and will develop feelings of doubt and shame about themselves. The child needs to do a lot of things on his own to properly develop a sense of autonomy and capability. (Also, see NOTE #11, page 290.) How do I promote initiative instead of guilt? Ages 3 - 6 Stage 3: Initiative or Guilt? The child with a sense of initiative makes plans, is not afraid to set goals and persevere in attaining his goals. A child who has been allowed to develop initiative exhibits behavior which is goal-oriented, compet itive, and has an imaginative quality. When a child has willpower and develops autonomy, he gets to a point at which he can begin to take initiative. Children at these ages want to “do it” themselves; and they should be encouraged to. They are “psycho-logically” ready to pursue activities of their own choosing. (Also, see NOTE #12, page 292.) Industry or inferiority? Ages 6 - 12 Stage 4: Industry or Inferiority? The ego strengths that must be developed at this stage are competence and skill. This is a very, very critical time in the life of the child. In a sentence: children at this age begin school and need to develop the skills of work. They must develop confidence, a sense of industry, and a love for, and capacity to work so that they can be come independent and support themselves, rather than being dependent. They overcome feelings of inferiority because of the abilities they possess. A sense of industry, which is the confidence one has to work and earn and manage his own affairs, promotes a good self-image and drives out feelings of inferiority! (Also, see NOTE #13, page 292.) Who am I? Ages 12 - 18 Stage 5: Identity or Role Confusion? The ages of 12 to 18 are known as the adolescent period. It begins with the onset of puberty and is that great transitionary period between childhood and adulthood. We must remember that the child tries on all types of roles to see if they fit him. Parents might be absolutely shocked at times to witness the changes in their sweet children as they change into crazy, unpredictable, adolescent teenagers! Sometimes the kids are loving and affectionate; at other times they are moody and unpredictable. It is a very difficult time for children, and for everyone who must live with them. This teenage crisis is to decide, “Who am I? How do I feel? What do I believe? What do I want do, and who do I want to be? What are my goals?” They have already heard their fill of what their parents want for them. Teens are often bewildered by their many new freedoms, powers and the number of choices they have. (Also, see NOTE #14, page 293.) Will I develop intimacy or be lonely? Ages 18 - 35 Stage 6: Intimacy or Isolation? Without the ability to love and to be intimate we become lonely! This is the time that we are either able to develop a certain level of intimacy with others, or fall into feelings of loneliness (isolation). Affiliation and love come from establishing intimacy. Intimacy has been described as a depth of emotional bonding characterized by both a mutual cher ishing and a free communication of uncensored feelings and ideas. (Also, see NOTE #15, page 296.) Yüklə 2,18 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
|