"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

Do kids do what works?

ABSOLUTELY! Kids are not stupid; they figure things out. They discover what works right away; and they find out what is pleasurable (rewarding) and what is painful (punishing). On that basis they begin to manipulate their world (just like you and I do) to get what they really want! If hitting, screaming, fighting, pouting, tantrums, sneaking out, laying clothes around, and lying and stealing “work”, then those behaviors are viewed by the children as very successful and powerful tools to get whatever they want! If those behaviors do not work, but in fact cause pain, they abandon them. It is as simple as that!

On the other hand, if working hard, being cooperative and sweet and responsible pay off, then children are hard working, cooperative and sweet. If those behaviors do not work (are not rewarded or reinforced) they abandon them. Again, it is as simple as that. The two basic principles are: unrewarded or punished behaviors are abandoned, whether they are good or bad; and rewarded behaviors continue, whether they are good or bad!

Do you create a rewarding and

punishment system in your home?

Yes, whether you recognize it or not. Behavior that is happening in your home (whether it is good or bad) is being rewarded (somehow, at some level) or it would cease! Starved behavior dies! Behavior that is not happening in your home is not happening because it is not being rewarded. Parents, take a look at your children and judge for yourselves by their behavior what is being rewarded and what is being punished (or not rewarded) in your home. Their behavior reveals your system. Therefore, the KEY: If you want to change family behavior, you must change the family’s pattern of rewarding and punishing. Through this simple rewarding and punishing system, parents train their children and children train their parents.

If you don't pay a little now,

you will pay dearly later!

When children are young and not too great a challenge to us, we may have a tendency to slide along and not teach, or use, correct principles. However, the time you’re saving now is very expensive, because it will take 10 and 20 times the effort later to correct dysfunctional patterns of behavior the children develop now. You pay (in time and effort) now or you pay much more later! We might think we can raise children using trial and error methods, however, the world has become so degenerated that well meaning but ignorant parents cannot stand against the filthy onslaught. You only get one chance at raising your children. Neglected or poorly trained children will eventually present their “bill” to you, and it will be very high.

Do you have to raise a family

to know how to raise one?

No, however it has been said that this is the case. Why make the mistakes everyone else has been making for generations? Don’t reinvent the wheel; take advice and learn from the experience of others. You need to be more skilled and more informed about being a parent today than at any other time in the history of this planet. The many “killer dragons” out there, alcohol, drugs, pornography, AIDS, and more, are no longer confined to the “bad section” of town; they are here in all neighborhoods; in our schools and churches! Some children are introduced to drugs by their baby-sitters or even by “friends” at church.

The powers that can destroy your children are real and they seem to be on every street corner. They come right into our homes through pornographic TV and magazines. None of us are immune! None of our children will be spared. They must all face these killer dragons. A quick review of the following chart shows that it is much worse today than when you and I went to school. Look at the extreme changes that have taken place in the American school system in just the last forty to fifty years.

School Problems: Reported by School Administrators

Who can change a family?

You! And only you! To effect a true and lasting change in our homes parents need to take the lead in learning and applying these principles. The principles of social learning are simple to understand and apply, but a psychologist can’t do it for you. The professional can teach, coach and be there at the critical times, but the responsibility and power to change the family rests on the individual members of the family and more particularly on the parents.

Today, we have the knowledge to make miraculous changes in our homes. We can truly experience love, happiness, order, and peace and harmony in our families. Each family must accept the fact that it is the parents along with other family members, and not outsiders, institutions or governments, who are the key agents for behavioral change in the family. The power and responsibility rests with the parents. Those who do not accept this fact and who do not access the scientific information about the dynamics of behavioral change we have today have chosen to walk in darkness at noon day. When knowledge is available, ignorance is inexcusable. To deny the truth (which could greatly bless and change the lives of our loved ones), out of pride, selfishness, or apathy is absolutely criminal.

Appendix to Chapter 6

NOTE #1 - Contracts

IF YOUR CONTRACTS ARE NOT WORKING, CHECK THE FOLLOWING:

1. Are you pushing a “HOT BUTTON”? Is the child really in need of, and anxious for the “reinforcer”?

2. Are you requiring too much for the reinforcer?

3. Are the contracted behaviors realistic and within the capacity of the child?

4. Is the child just trying to convince you to “lighten up” to make the terms better or easier?

5. Is the child getting reinforced some other way?

A SAMPLE CONTRACT:

John can have the car when he schedules it for evenings preceding a school day, but must be in by 10:00 p.m. He may use the car one night a week on evenings not preceding a school day until 1:00 a.m. For this privilege he agrees to wash the car weekly (whether he uses it or not), pay for his own gas, insurance and any damage to the car. If he is late he will lose the use of the car as follows: 1 to 60 minutes = 1 week loss of privilege, 61 minutes to 120 minutes = 2 week loss of privileges, etc. If he gets a traffic ticket for a moving violation he will lose car privileges for 30 days. If his semester grades fall below a “C” average he will lose the car until he earns a “C” average the next semester. (This contract was written after a good deal of discussion and negotiation.)

TIPS ON CONTRACTS:

1. Contracts are negotiated not “handed down” by parents. This is part of the learning process.

2. Contracts need to be renegotiated from time to time.

3. Compromise is essential to the spirit of negotiation. Privileges are earned by performance. Distinguish the difference between “rights” which are God-given (see the Bill of Rights), and "privileges" which are granted by contract and are based upon performance.

4. Contracts are always dated and signed.

5. Reinforcers are for the behavior we want to strengthen!

NOTE #2 - Trust Bank

Every time you are honest, dependable, accountable and exercise good judgment you make a deposit in your “Trust Bank”. To be trusted is a great compliment. Our trust must be guarded and protected; it is in our hands and we can destroy it if we are careless. When children who are not trustworthy ask for privileges they are often denied because the parents are afraid the children will not do as they promised or they cannot be depended on to keep the rules the parents would set for their safety. Since the children are not trustworthy, the parents cannot trust them. Only after children have proven through their actions that they are trustworthy will parents trust them to do what is requested and to keep the rules made for their safety.

Example: “Mom, can I go play over at Frankie’s house? I’ll be back in time for dinner, I promise.” Mom answers, “Well, how is your Trust Bank?” “I’ve got stars on all four steps, Mom!” “Well, okay, you can go, but can I count on you to be back by 6:00? We must eat on time and leave at 6:30 for parent interviews at school tonight.” “Sure, Mom.” When Johnny gets over to Frankie’s they watch a video. However, it is not finished when it is time to leave (in order to be home by 6:00). Johnny stays because he really wants to see the end of the movie. When it is finally over he runs the two blocks home. He races through the door at 6:20 and sits down and eats as fast as he can so they can leave by 6:30. Mom and dad don’t scold or even comment. Mom just writes 6:20 on the Trust Bank chart.

Two days later Johnny asks Mom if he can go with friends to the mall two blocks away to buy some baseball cards and get a hamburger and milk shake. Mom says, “I don’t think so.” “But Mom! I promise to be back by 2:00 so I can do the lawns! Please?” “How’s your Trust Bank, son? I found out two days ago that I can’t depend on you to be prompt and to do exactly what you say. When you decided that watching a movie was more important than your word, you bankrupted your Trust Bank. If you want privileges you must demonstrate that I can trust you. At Frankie’s you demonstrated that I can’t always believe you. Now, if you want trust again, you will have to start over and build up your Trust Bank. You are now bankrupt and will not be given trust again until you earn it. That means no privileges that require trust. You made the choice and these are the consequences.” “Aw, Mom, come on! I was only a few minutes late!”

Mom doesn’t respond to the excuse or reasoning, except to say, “I know you want to do what’s right. You’re a good boy. I know you want to be an honest and honorable man of your word. You might have treated the great gift of trust a little lightly. I’d like you to think about trust and what it means to be worthy of trust. If you want to discuss trust I’d be happy to share some ideas with you about how to earn our trust again.” So, for the next two weeks Johnny worked to build trust again. He was not able to enjoy the privileges of being trusted during that time and as a result lost out on a lot of fun and interesting opportunities.

Two weeks later, Johnny asks Dad if he can leave with the neighbors and their son for the beach in a couple of hours. Dad looks at the deposits made into the Trust Bank and replies that he will test Johnny’s trustworthiness again. “Johnny, if you will finish the lawn first, you may go.” Johnny starts in on the lawn and in about 30 minutes the neighbors show up and say, “Let’s go!” They are an hour and a half early! They had decided to go immediately so they could get back sooner. What was Johnny to do? It wasn’t his fault they came early; and dad had said going to the beach was okay.

In light of the Trust Bank, what did twelve-year-old Johnny do? What would he have done if mom and dad had ignored his violation of trust two weeks ago? He is now much more aware of what it means to be worthy of trust. He has worked hard the last two weeks to rebuild his Trust bank. In fact, he has a big investment in that Trust Bank! The bigger his investment, the less likely he will bankrupt the Trust Bank again when tempted. It just isn’t worth losing all the privileges again for the next two to four weeks. Johnny wisely decides to do the lawn and miss the beach because he knows that his father is trusting him to do the lawn before he goes to the beach and if he is untrustworthy he will surely bankrupt the Trust Bank again.

Most children will bankrupt their Trust Bank several times before they become sensitive and experienced enough to value trust. Trust must become a very highly regarded commodity in a person’s life. Integrity and honor must become more important than the temporary “fun” activities in life. Children learn the importance and value of trust by experiencing what it is like not to have it. No trust leads to no benefits of trust.

TRUSTWORTHY?

When a person has Sacrificed and Chosen:

1. To Be ACCOUNTABLE:

(Takes Responsibility for own actions.)

2. To Be DEPENDABLE:

(In all duties and commitments.)

3. To Use GOOD JUDGMENT:

(Based on experience and morality.)

4. To Be HONEST:

(Has Courage and the love of truth.)

Then we may know that this person is In-deed

TRUST-WORTHY!

NOTE #3 - Interaction

Behavior is modified by the consequences of that behavior. We are concerned with how people learn from other people. When two people interact, they both change. Both good (prosocial) and problem (antisocial) behaviors are learned. A family is a system of interacting personalities. Every person is affected by, and in turn affects every other member of the family system. Behavior is reinforced by the behaviors of other family members. This constant interrelating creates a unique environment. Roles are developed and adopted by each person in the system. Sometimes these roles are healthy and sometimes they are not.

The Star Chart

Notice that the Star Chart describes the behavior that earns a star. Under STAR VALUE the child learns about the purchasing power of an earned star. The chart is used to reinforce not doing something undesirable (hitting, teasing), as well as reinforcing desirable behavior (minding, etc.). Remember this important principle: children will not work for stars that have little or no value to them. The child’s motivation to comply (in order to earn stars) is directly proportional to the value of the items or privileges that those stars will buy for him/her. Need is the key. Hit that “hot button”! The degree of need (desire) for this reinforcer equals the level of motivation to comply.

You can use stars, check marks, happy faces, specially made rubber stamps, points or whatever else works; let the child choose. Some children want to draw a happy face or a star themselves. We call it a Star Chart simply because many people use stars. You can record all day in the long columns provided.

Example: If the children are fussing and bickering above tolerable levels, have a conference with them. Say: “Hey kids, I’ve been listening, and there is far too much contention. I need your cooperation so we can feel more love in our home. Here is a Star Chart and every time I hear what I think is fighting and bickering, I’m going to call out, ‘I hear contention and that’s a check!’ Then I’ll put a check in today’s column which means you get no star for that hour. If you play and cooperate with each other and do not fight during the next hour, I’ll give you a star.” Some parents give two stars if the children put the stars on the chart for mother. The children get enthusiastic about it and physically “helping” Mom put the stars up is additional reinforcement! This is a way to reward for NOT misbehaving.

There are four steps to increasing reinforcement for getting along and cooperating with each other.

1. Social reinforcers (praise and hugs)

2. Star by itself is often reinforcing (initially)

3. Star that converts to treats and/or privileges (reinforcers)

4. Time Out and loss of reinforcements (mild aversive punishment)

5. Painful (stronger aversive) consequences; loss of privileges: dessert, dinner, TV, bike, playing outside, etc. can be used if more checks than stars are being earned

Some mothers use a clock that chimes every hour and half hour; or a portable kitchen timer that is reset each hour. When the children have been “good” during a set time period they are rewarded and a new time period started. When there is bickering Time Out is used. The timer is reset when children come out of Time Out and a fresh opportunity to earn stars begins.

Sometimes a parent will require the children to watch the clock for the big hand to be straight up or to listen for a chime and then to come get their stars if they’ve been good. This puts the child under double responsibility. They think about it more and are always aware of their behavior and the time so they won’t lose their stars (or points). The rule is that if they don’t come to you within five minutes past the hour they lose the points. Children will cooperate fully if they have stars that convert to things they are highly motivated to have. You can also give bonus stars if every child earns a star during that hour, or bonuses can be given for getting 8 stars, more for 12 stars, etc. The children start reminding each other not to fight. Find the “Hot Buttons” and let them earn and convert stars to these “Hot Button” items.

Contract for One Behavior

This is a very versatile form and can be used in several applications. Basic to the use of this contract is the fact that it must be a winning situation for the child. He must be highly motivated to attain whatever reward is offered; it must be a real “hot button” to sustain the behavior you want to strengthen. It is very helpful as a tool to introduce the child and parents to the first principles of the program which are:

1. Observation and recording of specific behavior

2. Consequence for actions (Accountability and Responsibility)

3. Earning what we get (privileges and items) develops confidence and self esteem

4. Consistency by parents develops a sense of security in the child

5. Graduated earnings (for different levels of performance)

6. The Child’s perspective Good things of life that have been taken for granted are no longer free ( TV, recreation, personal items, some clothing and toys, privileges, etc.)

7. The Parent’s perspective Use of natural benefits: things that used to be just given as reinforcers (riding bike, visiting and playing with friends, friends over for party, etc. are to be earned instead of “gifted”)

8. Actions, not words cause behavioral change

Example 1: Johnny (10) gets a plus (+) for feeding the dog and a minus (-) if he forgets. Every day he gets a (+) he gets dessert and can watch his favorite TV program. When he forgets, he does not get dessert or watch TV. The training would be even stronger if on minus (-) days he also had to go to bed one hour earlier or pay brother $.25 to feed the dog.

Example 2: Johnny (10) has been getting into trouble on the way home from school. He lingers and visits and involves himself with some bad friends. School is out at 2:30 p.m. and if he walks normally he can be home by 2:55 p.m. Johnny is highly motivated to earn money for a special personal item. This contract therefore gives:

50 points for arrival home by 2:45 p.m. (easy trot home)

40 points for arrival home by 2:50 p.m. (fast walk)

30 points for arrival home by 2:55 p.m. (normal walk)

0 points for arrival home by 3:00 p.m. (deadline)

Loss of dessert and treats for arrival home after 3:00 p.m.

No outside play and no friends inside for arrival home after 3:05 p.m.

No TV and to bed one hour early for arrival home after 3:10 p.m.

Remember: Identify and record on the contract form the specific behavior and the exact consequences for compliance or noncompliance.

Earning Contract

Multiply Task Record

Kids hate to do “chores,” so don’t have “Chore Charts,” or “Duty Rosters.” Let’s reframe what we’re doing. We are training children to be competent, self confident, and industrious people of high integrity. Depending upon their training and age, children and adolescents are capable of managing their own time and resources. They are able to negotiate their own labor, earn, budget, spend and bank their money. They are “earning” and “working”, but not doing “chores”.

The larger 'Earning Contract' allows you to monitor and reward several behaviors at the same time. Contracts are dated, signed and binding. (See chart example below.)

Note: This is just a sample example. You decide about your point system, behaviors and rewards. It will vary depending upon the child’s needs and age, etc. Work it out with the child. Don’t be too hard or too easy — “need” is key. (see Teenage Retirement)

CONSEQUENCES: (DAILY)

225 and above: Stay up until 10:00 pm, pick TV programs, dessert.

200 and above: Stay up until 9:30 pm, dessert.

150 and above: Dessert.

120 and above: No dessert, do dishes.

Below 120: Bed at 8:00 p.m., no dessert, do dishes.

CONSEQUENCES: (WEEKLY)

Points convert to money. If Johnny has 1000 points by Friday evening Dad will take him and one friend fishing Saturday morning.

NOTE: Did Johnny get his fishing trip? Yes, there were 1250 possible points by Friday evening and he earned M-F 1020 of them! (50 bonus points on Friday put him over the top.)

Pig Pen "Quarantined!" Award

This lovely “Pigpen Quarantine” sign can be used either as a warning or to actually place a room under quarantine (or you may use it in your own way). Suggested procedures are as follows:

1. Warning Only: As a warning, the “Warning” box is checked and the time limit specified:

X Warning ___________Hrs. until__________ AM/PM ______/______(Day/Date)

This means:

A. That things are not looking too good in the room marked by the sign (bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, family room, etc.)

B. The time specifies that all corrective work must be done by the time indicated or the room will be pronounced “unclean” and quarantined. If quarantined, no one will be allowed in that room nor have access to anything in the room until the quarantine is lifted.

C. The hours box might indicate a 24 hour warning which expires on the time, day and date indicated.

D. An inspection will be made immediately upon expiration of the warning time limits and the “quarantine warning” lifted or the room “quarantined”.

2. Quarantine: When a room is too bad, it must be quarantined immediately (without warning) for public (family) health and safety. The “quarantine” sign is simply posted. No person is allowed in the room nor access to anything in the room until the quarantine is lifted and the room pronounced “clean” by the great, wise, “Inspector General”. A normal “quarantine” period is 24-48 hours but might be extended for repeat offenders. (See "Lockout", page 225.)

3. Lifting the quarantine:

A. Before the end of the quarantine period the persons who use or inhabit the dangerous or unhealthy area should confer with the “Inspector General” for counsel and direction to formulate a plan for making the area safe again for human habitation. Once a plan is approved and the time for the quarantine is past, the former occupants may enter the room for cleaning purposes only. When they have thoroughly sanitized the area they must leave the room immediately and request an inspection.

B. The inspection is to determine that all slime, filth, disease bearing items and vermin are removed. When the room is tidy and ready for the “Inspector General” an inspection may be requested and the inspection fee paid. Inspection fees vary in amount between $1.00 to $5.00 depending upon the age and past record of the child as well as the condition of the room when quarantined. These fees can also be significantly increased as appropriate for repeated offenses. Inspections are generally made only once a day. A second inspection requires a second inspection fee. A third inspection requires a third inspection fee. The room cannot be used until it passes inspection.