"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

But that’s not all...Mother will inspect the kitchen after they leave and if it is messy she will clean it and collect a $1.00 Maid Service Fee from the children. This is a very simple example of how to shape a behavior through the use of positive reinforcers and punishers as necessary (negative punishers in this case, taking something good away).

SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR REINFORCERS

1. Money - this is a particularly good one because money can be converted to the reinforcer of their choice and they need experience handling it.

2. Treats - usually sweets; or favorite dinner, drinks, candy, ice cream, etc.

3. Activities - games, baking, sports, movies, having a friend over, parties, learning to drive, theme parks, beach, library, shopping, computer, etc.

4. Objects of choice - dolls, books, computer, sports equipment, crafts, etc.

5. Personal items - clothing, toiletries, tape players, phone (super hot item for teens), posters, etc.

6. Social reinforcers - compliments, expressions of appreciation (verbal), hugs, kisses, touching (physical), etc.

NOTE: Some of the above items have already been purchased and are in the home, but the “privilege” of using them must be “earned” by appropriate behavior, etc.

NOTE #5 - Time Out

For Children: If the child is fussing or hassling other kids, he is given Time Out. This means he is removed from the problem area and placed in the Time Out room. The purpose is to break the behavior pattern, so three to five minutes usually diffuses the problem. The Time Out room has nothing that might serve as a reinforcer (a fun toy or book). No one can talk to the child; absolutely zero reinforcement. If he doesn’t go straight to Time Out, the time increases. Set the timer for the specified time; if he’s crying when it goes off, more time is added.

Some moms don’t count “loud” time and don’t start the timer until the crying stops. If he kicks the door and screams (which many do at first), he can stay until he is quiet and then only count his good time. If he won’t stay in the room, a bathroom-type door knob with lock can be installed with the locking handle on the hall side. If he messes up the room or does damage, he is responsible for it. It’s hard at first, but they soon learn. Expect things to get worse before they get better.

For Mother: Parents have a right to their boundaries and some peace, privacy, and time to themselves, and children need to understand that. Moms need a Time Out, too, so they need to take it whenever necessary (before they get cross). Moms have a right to do what is needed to maintain their sanity!

Johnny has been a handful, being nasty with everybody and causing contention from the minute he got home from school. He’s put in Time Out and is let out on probation for 30-60 minutes or until the first infraction. One mother told an obnoxious and rude teen to get in his bedroom and stay. “You are not pleasant to be around. We don’t have to put up with your rude, sour attitude; and you can stay in that room until you go to college as far as we’re concerned. It’s up to you; we’ll discuss it tomorrow.” If he was put in Time Out to give mom and the whole family a little break, he will stay there until she feels she wants him out again. Time Out ends and probation begins when he is allowed out of his room. Probation ends after Mom and Johnny huddle for a minute and discuss the problem and he is able to assure her that he has adjusted his attitude and will quit being a “pill”. (Could mom use FAB here?)

NOTE #6 - Intermittent Reinforcement

Here is an excellent example of how to train a normal child to be a monster and drive you crazy! It is all due to mother’s ignorance of correct parenting and behavioral principles. Can you identify in the following story (of the cookie beggar) the principles of reinforcement, intermittent reinforcement, shaping of undesirable behavior, and a pain schedule?

The Cookie Beggar!

Sammy gets a cookie every day he asks mom for one (100% reinforcement schedule). Last night, because he didn’t eat his dinner, mother told him he couldn’t have any more cookies before supper. The next day the problem arises:

Sammy: I want a cookie, Mommy!!!

Mom: No, you didn’t eat your dinner last night.

Sammy: Please, Mom, I promise I will tonight.

Mom: No! Don’t you know what ‘no’ means?

Sammy: Pretty please, Mom! I love you! I really promise!

Mom: Okay, here, but remember, you promised!

Sammy was required to ask for the cookie three times to be rewarded once; a 33% rewarding schedule. This is intermittent reinforcement. The next day he asks for a cookie and mother says, “No, you didn’t eat your supper last night after you promised.” Mother is now more determined to resist his begging, so she holds out until he has asked seven or eight times and whined for 20 minutes. Mother soon gets irritated and gives him a cookie to quiet him down. “Here, take one and go out and play.” Again, intermittent reinforcement.

Day after day mother’s resolve strengthens, which requires that Sammy ask more times and do more whining and begging to get his reward. The episode is no longer a short one; it keeps getting longer until finally the only way Sammy can get a cookie is to whine and beg for an hour and then throw a full-blown tantrum (intermittent reinforcement).

Why does Sammy keep repeating this miserable, brattish behavior? Because he knows that if he keeps it up, he will eventually get rewarded. Mother has trained him to beg; but worst of all she has taught him to be persistent, to endure and to never give up. In short, he has learned to drive mother crazy and to have her ask, “What’s the matter with this child? I can’t stand him anymore!”

A child that has been reinforced every time (100% reinforcement schedule) and then told “no” will not persist long because he has not been trained to persist. He becomes discouraged and stops trying. A child who has not been taught persistence through intermittent reinforcement is like the person in the phone booth who puts 25 cents in the phone and loses it. He is not pleased; the phone should pay off every time, not like the slot machines in Las Vegas which pay only infrequently (intermittent reinforcement). If it is an important call he might try another quarter, but if he loses his money again he is not likely to persist by inserting more quarters because there is obviously something wrong with the phone. He knows he can put 100 quarters in and lose them all! So, he’s not stupid; he gives up trying because trying (persistence) won’t pay off! But in Las Vegas this same man might stand for hours persistently putting quarters in a slot machine because he knows that sooner or later he will be rewarded (reinforced) just like the cookie beggar! Intermittently reinforced behavior is enduring and persistent and obviously the hardest to modify.

NOTE #7 - Blackmailing or Punishing?

Begging, Child stops inflicting pain when parents comply, and

Whining parent experiences immediate relief.

and Crying

Siblings Bicker, Becomes painful to parents but pain stops when parents give

Argue and Fight attention to children.

Threatening to Parental worry (pain) over possible runaway is relieved when

Run Away they comply with child’s ultimatums.

Unless...

Threatening with

Irresponsible Used as a bargaining chip to gain parental compliance.

Behavior such as Compliance could be money, gifts, privileges, etc...

Drugs, Pregnancy

Bad Crowd

Many parents are afraid to face the issues and crack down for fear of retaliation, or that their children will leave home and enter the street environment. They have allowed their children to become irresponsible, self-serving, selfish, ungrateful, unreasonable and extremely demanding. In some cases, children have become hostile and even dangerous to themselves and other family members. Where the law is broken (including assault and battery, alcohol and drugs) the authorities must be notified. Parents must not allow antisocially behaving children to make them (or other family members) victims in their own home either physically, emotionally or psychologically!

NOTE #8 - Pain

Some people believe that children should be spared all pain. They believe that if children suffer pain they will be traumatized and damaged for life. There are no scientific studies to support such a ridiculous theory. If that were true we would all be goofy. We have all experienced many forms of pain, and a lot of it at times. Pain has taught us not to pet a strange dog or to touch a hot stove.

Pain does not cause emotional damage to people in the normal daily experiences of life. (We are not talking about torture or abuse here.) There are different kinds of pain and many degrees of intensity, from mild discomfort to excruciating, unbearable agony. We can be pained physically when spanked or pained emotionally by losing a pet. We can also be pained psychologically by rejection. Although experiencing pain is unpleasant it is a natural experience of life. Pain is one of our greatest teachers.

NOTE #9 - The Question of SPANKING:

Spanking is a form of punishment. It, like any punishment, decreases in effect the more it is used. Whether you personally believe it is ever justified or not to spank a child you will probably agree that the issue of corporal punishment will usually generate a great deal of controversy and emotion among professionals and parents alike whenever it is discussed. But, rather than debate the issues here, this author assumes the position that there will always be parents who feel that in some cases with some children a spanking is not only justified but absolutely necessary. Therefore, if you ever decide to spank, let us here make a point. Spanking can be done by abusive parents in anger and cruelty or it can be done by loving and gentle parents who act out of concern for the child's welfare. The spirit in which any punishment is administered is absolutely critical in its having a positive or destructive effect on a child. What is the child experiencing? Does the child feel the love and concern for him or is he terrified at the hostile approach of a raging parent? Hostile anger is child abuse. Let all of our correction be gentle and loving, especially when punishing. Then after punishing, the parent must manifest even a greater degree of love and tenderness so that the child will know for certain how loved and treasured he is! Our program of parenting emphasizes that 95% of all behavioral problems can be avoided or corrected by faithfully employing proper principles and techniques.

Spanking, when used sparingly, has several advantages:

1. It can be administered immediately.

2. The severity can be controlled.

3. If given by one who gives much positive reinforcement, it can strengthen bonds of love between parent and child.

4. Allows venting.

5. Ceremoniously satisfies justice, allows for a new start and clears the air for reestablishment of the relationship (absence of unresolved offenses).

NOTE #10 - Punishment

If parents decide not to punish, for whatever reason, they lose a major tool in their parenting repertoire for raising responsible and caring children. Punishment works but should be administered in a firm, kind, consistent, reasonable way by a loving parent and without angry emotional displays.

REMEMBER:

1. Punishment is often much more effective (faster and with longer lasting effects) in reducing and eliminating undesirable and antisocial behavior than either extinction or reinforcement.

2. Punishment has been effective in eliminating life threatening behaviors with children when other remedies failed (head banging, not eating, throwing up, etc.).

3. When administered by a loving care giver, punishment actually strengthens the love bonding between punisher and child ("They care enough about me to correct me.").

4. Tests show that children who have experienced pain are more compassionate of peers. They do not want other children to be punished or hurt.

NOTE #11 - Intensity/Severity of Punishment

What if we make a law against robbing banks and fix a punishment if you’re caught. Then we tell people, “We aren’t going to track you down and shoot you or put you in jail. We’re just going to stop you! If we catch you we are going to scold you and make you stop robbing the bank!” The only deterrent for these people is the knowledge that if they do try (and we catch them) their only punishment will be a scolding!

There is a direct relationship between the intensity of a punishment and its deterrent capability. Said another way, a small penalty has small deterrent power. A moderate penalty has a moderate deterrent power. An extreme penalty has the greatest deterrent power. Consider the following logic regarding this example:

? There will be many bank robbers if we have a law but no penalty.

? There will be fewer bank robbers if the penalty is three years in prison.

? There will be almost no bank robbers if they are shot on sight or executed when caught.

Thieves, robbers, rapists and murders will be much more inclined to consider the consequences of their crimes if the penalties are swift, sure and severe (intense)!

Laws without Punishments are an absolute farce!

In a general sense, the more severe the punishment, the less likely it is that the person will take the risk. Punishment needs to be reasonable and parents must assure that there is never abuse, especially with physical punishments. Care must be exercised so that the punishment is neither a mockery ($.25 cents for keeping the car out for an extra three hours Saturday night) nor too unreasonable (“You may never use the car again!”). Punishments must be intense enough to leave no question in the mind of the offender. “Was it worth it? Absolutely not!! It wasn’t worth it! No way!”

NOTE #12 - Escape Conditioning

Behavior that relieves a certain pain will be strengthened, and likely repeated when that pain is introduced again. Lori (age 3) whines until mother gives her attention and then Lori behaves for awhile. The next time Lori starts whining mother gives her a cookie (attention) and she stops for 15 minutes. Pretty soon Lori is back at it and in order to stop the whining mother plays with her for 30 minutes. Mother is irritated (in pain/being punished) by Lori’s incessant whining but she “escapes” the pain for awhile by giving attention to her.

Lori is training mother to relieve her pain by reinforcing Lori’s whining with attention. Mother has been “conditioned to escape” the pain of Lori’s whining by rewarding Lori for punishing her. Sound familiar Mom? Always remember: Escape conditioning and avoidance conditioning can be parent traps when your child is punishing you, or you are complying to avoid problems (threatening pain). Parents need to recognize how kids use these techniques and take counter measures.

NOTE #13 - Behavior Modification

We cannot live another person’s life for them, nor make all their life’s choices. More especially, it is impossible and not within ethical and practical limits to control someone who is determined to exercise their freedom to do things which are dangerous or harmful to themselves. You cannot force children to do well in school, accept your religion, or give up their friends.

If your son is determined to ditch school, run away, do drugs, have sex, listen to Satanic music and cultivate criminal friends (partially for the sheer satisfaction of defying you and winning the power game) he can do it! How are you going to stop him? Are you going to lock him up in a cage for the rest of his life? They’ll throw you in jail for child abuse if you attempt to incarcerate your children. It is not possible to force people to live your standards. (Also, see Chapter 2 on Correct Principles.)

Nothing always works in modifying a child’s behavior. Sometimes, in spite of all we can do, we become sad witnesses to our teen’s destructive lifestyle and personal tragedies. Some kids decide to avoid drugs but others experiment and get hooked and eventually die from an overdose, or get AIDS from a dirty needle. Some teens decide to have sex and some decide not to. Some break the law, drop out of school and end up in jail. Most do not, but those who make bad decisions reap unhappy results.

These behavioral decisions around school, church, drugs, alcohol, friends, music, hair, sex, etc. are all personal choices and our children are responsible for them and their consequences. Kids might act stupid but they basically know right from wrong, and they are fully accountable for their choices in life. The way we teach them to be responsible is to make sure they experience the consequences of those decisions! People live their own lives; not the lives their parents dreamed for them. People make their own choices in life and live lives of their own choosing! The law of the harvest is true! It might take a little time, but eventually we always reap what we sow.

NOTE #14 - Consequences

Negative/angry families base their parenting style on using 95% driving and forcing (threats and punishment) and 5% on rewards.

Positive/happy families base their parenting style on using 95-97% pulling (rewards and praise) and only 3-5% on negative consequences.

You cannot push a string (child), nor can you do a good job of motivating behavior by pushing and driving with fear and the threat of punishment.

You can pull a string (child), but only if you motivate a child to action, towards something he “needs” or “wants”. Rewarding for the behavior you want is the key to producing good behavior, not punishing the behavior you don’t want.

NOTE #15 - Satiation

My uncle was about ten years old when Grandpa caught him smoking a cigarette. “So, you enjoy smoking, do you?” Grandpa asked. He and my uncle then sat down in the back yard and Grandpa made my uncle smoke right then and there. Uncle protested after a few cigarettes but Grandpa insisted. Uncle smoked and smoked, then he smoked and puked. Then he smoked and puked and cried, but he kept smoking until he finished a whole pack. Grandpa said, “Well, this has been enjoyable. Let me know when you’d like to do it again!” He got up and walked away, allowing Uncle to crawl off and pass out somewhere.

For some reason my uncle completely lost interest in smoking! He never smoked again in his life; never got the desire back. I guess he just got it out of his system! He had become satiated. Other examples include:

? A child who got in trouble for throwing rocks all the time was required to stand in a gravel pit and to throw rocks until both arms were sore and he was sick of it; he was satiated with the reinforcer (rock throwing).

? A child who kicked others was required to stand and kick a step until he was sick of kicking and the reinforcer was no longer pleasurable (rewarding).

? A child who bit was required to bite a ball until the reinforcer was satiated.

A child who has eaten candy all day long until she is sick of it, stops begging for candy (at least for today). The motivational value of a normally powerful reinforcer (large candy bar) has been neutralized through over-exposure to the reinforcer.

NOTE: Satiation is not a technique to use when addictive substances are involved or when obsessive/compulsive or addictive behaviors might result. Again, satiation is not the method to use when drugs, or alcohol, or sexual issues (pornography, etc.) are involved. In these cases we recommend you seek professional help.

The above examples are to explain and to illustrate satiation as a behavior modification technique. Satiation must be wisely used and closely monitored by parents who understand its proper use. The above examples are not intended to recommend any particular satiation technique or when it should be used.

The Data Card Instructions/Example

The Data Card is used to record and calculate the frequency of occurrences of a targeted behavior. It is extremely important not to overlook the step of gathering and studying data about behavior before you attempt to change it. Take three to five days to gather data before starting behavioral modification techniques. Parents should try to take turns observing and recording behaviors. Much of the Card is obvious in its use but the following suggestions and comments are important. Refer to the Data Card illustration below.

1. Name: This is one specific behavior for one individual. Use other cards for other behaviors or children.

2. Behavior: State specifically in Behavioral Terms the target behavior. Avoid generalities and judgmental statements, i.e. bad attitude, not cooperative, messy. Be specific: hitting, throwing, teasing, tantrums, stealing, running away, swearing: says "hell" or "damn", etc.

3. Day: Mon. or Tues.., or day 1, 2, 3, or the 22nd, 23rd, 24th, etc.

4. Record: Each occurrence of the specific noncompliance or misbehavior you are tracking during the time you are monitoring.

5. Time Interval: This is the length of time in hours (to the nearest tenth of an hour) that you are actually monitoring the behavior and recording the number of occurrence on the behavior. Normally two or so hours per day of observing over several days should be sufficient to calculate an accurate rate of occurrence.

6. Rate: This is the number of occurrences per hour of the behavior you are monitoring.

7. Rate calculation: Calculate the rate of noncompliant behavior by dividing the number of behaviors by the number of hours monitored.

Example: 12 teases = 4.0 (rate of teases per hour)

3 hours

Note: We observe from the card that Johnny's rate of noncompliant behavior occurred on: Mon. 1.9 times per hr., Tues., 5.0 times per hr., Wed. 4.5 times per hr., Thurs., 2.75 times per hr., and Fri., 4.25 times per hr.

This gives a pretty good idea that this young man has a serious problem with noncompliance. Now you have something specific to measure against to determine the impact of the future behavior modification program. For more accuracy divide up all the noncompliant behaviors for the 5 day period and divide by the total hours observed to get a true rate. Just observe, comment, record and let it go: no lectures , nagging or scolding! On the bottom or back of the card, record the reinforcers you believe keep rewarding the undesirable behavior. You might like to post this card on the refrigerator so that some interest by the child might be generated. NO debates over it though! If you can’t observe it, or count it, or measure it in some way, it’s not behavior! Attitudes and feelings are not behaviors, but they can cause actions [behaviors] that we can measure.