"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

What is a punisher?

Anything that decreases or eliminates a behavior is a punisher. There are two types of punishers (punishment) for undesirable behavior:

1. Positive punishment - to give something undesirable.

Example: Timmy played with matches in the bedroom and caught the curtain on fire; he was given a scolding and a spanking by mother. Positive is to give or administer.

2. Negative punishment - to take away something desirable (thing or privilege).

Example: Timmy is fined $1.00 each time he swears. Sara lost her radio for two days because she is annoying the family by playing it too loudly. Negative is to take away or remove. NOTE: You don’t take away rights, you can only take away privileges.

? Double strength: Applying both positive and negative punishment. Can you tell the difference? Timmy swears and is fined $1.00 (negative: take away desirable) plus mother washes his mouth out with soap (positive: give undesirable). (Also, see NOTE #1, page 183.)

Why use "Hot Buttons"?

“Hot Buttons” are highly prized activities, privileges or items that your children are strongly motivated to obtain. In other words they will do just about anything to get them. Reinforcers (rewards) that you know will “hit a hot button” will excite the child and he will be strongly motivated to comply to whatever demands are given as the conditions required to obtain the valued items.

What is a hot button for one child could be repulsive to another child. A twelve-year-old boy presented with a choice of a pet snake or an adventure story book could act in several ways: 1) love the snake and not want the book;    2) hate the snake but love the book;    3) love them both; or    4) not see any value in either of them. Make sure you find applicable “hot buttons”. A reward to one child could be a punishment to another.

What are the four goals

of misbehavior?

Psychiatrist Rudolf Driekurs classified children’s misbehaviors into the four categories summarized in the chart below.

Goals of Misbehavior

(Also, see NOTE #2, page 184.)

How can I apply this to my children?

? Since all misbehavior has a goal to satisfy a (perceived) need; discover it, and provide positive ways for the child to satisfy his needs.

? Parental feelings of irritation, anger, etc. give the clue to discover which need the child is trying to satisfy.

? Parental Instinctive reactions are usually wrong and will reinforce misbehavior.

? A correct parental response will tend to extinguish the misbehavior and still validate the child.

How does cause and effect apply?

We all understand the relationship between cause and effect; every effect must have a cause. Things just don’t happen without a cause. Eliminate the cause and you eliminate the effect. Behavior that continues, does so because there is a “cause”. It is being rewarded in some way; it is being “fed” and so it continues to “live”. As long as we keep feeding (rewarding) a behavior, it will continue to strengthen. Since rewards (reinforcements) are the “causes” of behaviors (effects), if we can eliminate the rewards, we will eventually eliminate the behaviors.

What is extinction?

Extinction is the process of identifying the payoff(s) for undesirable behaviors and then eliminating them. Extinction is simply denying the reward for undesirable behavior. This “starves” the behavior to death. Refuse to allow reinforcement for any behavior you want to eliminate!

Example: Little brother continues to whine and beg (behavior) because eventually mother always gives in and gives him what he wants (payoff). The children also fight and quarrel constantly (behavior); again because as soon as mother can’t stand it any more she gives them the attention they want (payoff). If mother ignored their behavior or used time out, the children would soon abandon those behaviors as unprofitable and a waste of time.

NOTE: Extinction is more powerful if used in conjunction with a punisher. Whining will ultimately stop if ignored long enough, but it stops much faster if every time Suzy starts whining she is immediately put in Time Out. (An added benefit is that mother doesn’t have to listen to it any more!) Obviously, you don’t use the ignoring technique if Suzy is playing with matches, or if a three-year-old is playing in the street; that would be too dangerous. In the above whining example, remember; to punish, either take away a desirable (attention) or give an undesirable (Time Out). (Also, see NOTE #3, page 185.)

Do your children punish you?

Children who are whining and begging have put you on a punishment schedule. They will continue to punish you by making your life miserable with their whining, begging, bickering and crying (until you comply with their wishes). When you finally comply, they reward you immediately by stopping their obnoxious behavior. In this way the child learns, “If I punish mother long enough, she will finally comply and do whatever I want!” Mother learns: “The only way I can stop the whining and ever have any peace is to do what he/she wants!”

Obviously, this sets up a “hell” on earth for mother, and it just gets worse. As long as punishing mother ultimately gets rewarded, why would a child change tactics? Children do what is functional, what works; they have no mercy! Remember they don’t give a toot about your mental health! (They are totally egocentric when young!)

Parents also do what works. This situation can be reversed with mother nagging a son to clean his room (nagging is painful to him). He finally cleans his room so he can get mother off his back and have some peace. Mother is much more likely to nag in the future when she is trying to gain compliance. Why? Because it has worked so well in the past. Behavior that turns off pain is strengthened!

How do I stop this punishment?

Once you sense discomfort (pain) and realize that you have been put on a punishment schedule, you must act immediately to prevent yourself from being victimized and punished further.

Example: Suzy (age 5) is constantly whining and nagging.

1. Nonreinforcement. Weaken the punishing behavior (whining and nagging) by refusing to reward it in any way, so that Suzy definitely comes to understand that the old behavior doesn’t work at all anymore!

2. Reinforcing a noncompatable behavior (begin to reward an alternative behavior that opposes the bad behavior!) For being “big” (not whining) Suzy gets a star every hour (or half hour...or such) that she doesn’t whine. Being “good” (not whining) has to “pay off” better than being “bad” (whining)!

3. Punishment. Clearly demonstrate by action that Suzy’s whining and nagging behavior (punishing mother) result in punishment of a type and intensity that leaves no doubt in Suzy’s mind that whatever rewards she hopes to gain from her misbehavior certainly are not worth the risk of being punished again!

This does not imply that mother is abusive, but it does mean that she takes immediate action so that the results of whining and nagging are now very expensive indeed and not even close to being worth whatever Suzy was whining and nagging for! It just isn’t worth the risk! If Mom is not willing to do this however, she will allow her children to drive her crazy! This is a disservice to mom and to the children. It also introduces an angry, depressive, contentious and unhappy spirit into the home; to the end that peace, love and enjoyment of the children are greatly diminished!

Shouldn't I practice patience?

For a parent it is discomforting (even painful) to hear a child relentlessly whine, beg, cry, argue, pout, threaten or throw tantrums. Some mothers seem to want to see how much they can endure; how much they can take from their abusive children. That is not intelligent or even good parenting; it is unnecessary and harmful to the child and the parent/child relationship. Although patience is a virtue, your children are not trying to help you become more virtuous when they are punishing you with their whining and begging! To allow whining, begging, crying, etc. in the home sours the sweet atmosphere that should exist there and strains the enjoyable relationship between parent and child. Whining and complaining children convince themselves they really are unhappy!

What is shaping a behavior?

Shaping is a procedure used to create a behavior that is not presently being performed. It is a process that first reinforces a behavior which remotely resembles the final desired (target) behavior, then rewards closer and closer behavioral approximations until the final target behavior is achieved. That sounds hard but it is amazingly simple. Reinforcing and shaping procedures should be the solid foundations upon which you build child management procedures. The emphasis is upon positive reinforcement, shaping prosocial behaviors, and using contracts and point programs. (Also, see NOTE #4, page 185.)

Do kids like change?

No! Most children will be upset that the old behaviors that were so profitable before don’t work anymore! Some kids have said they liked it better when they didn’t have to work, and before their parents studied parenting! Most kids however, admit the new ways are better for them! Be prepared! It will usually get worse before it gets better! You can expect all of the following:

1. Resistance: Screaming, begging, yelling, complaining, threats and tantrums will probably all increase before they start to die out! Children will generally keep trying to get the old behaviors to work. They can’t figure it out.

2. Power Struggle: Usually children move quickly into a power struggle. You will be amazed at how entrenched the old behaviors were and how powerful the kids are.

3. Resentment: Some children will feel you’re being unfair. You change the rules and require them do things they didn’t have to do before. Whether the old ways were good or bad, kids hate change and will struggle to maintain their old, familiar roles. People don’t like their familiar world changed, but if you are absolutely consistent they will soon adapt!

4. Criticism: Well meaning, but poorly informed friends and relatives will criticize you. Practice correct principles even though in the short run it seems unreasonable. This is a program of love and principle; stick with it and do what is right, not what makes you look good. You’ll be surprised at who supports you and who doesn’t.

5. Success: If you have the faith and courage to persevere, you will succeed! You will see big payoffs in the years to come; don’t compromise for short-term “expediencies” and “exceptions”.

Hang in there! Deep inside, at some level, your kids will know (as you know) that the principles you are pushing are right and for their own good. Sometimes they will hate what you’re doing but they will know in their hearts that you are right and they will love you for it. Love them enough to do what is best for them. Never betray your children in order to be popular with them (or others) or because it is easier to give in. “Please mom, it won’t matter ‘just this once!’ Please?” Say, “No, Sweetheart, ‘just this once’ always does matter!!”

What is a recovery spike?

This is when the “extinguished” behavior suddenly reappears! Often when the spike occurs the behavior will get worse than it has ever been before; but if you persist in the program the spike will soon fall off to tolerable levels. (Please refer to the example on the back side of the DATA GRAPH, page 198.) Mother collected data to evaluate the success of the program. As typical, days 1 to 5 were a miserable power struggle. Days 6 to 8 prove things usually get worse before they get better. Days 10 to 15 were ideal; the program began to work. On days 16 and 17 however, Tommy gave one last final effort to test the limits and see if he could bust the program! This is “spontaneous recovery”. This can be expected, but it is bewildering if parents don’t know it’s coming. If parents give up during spontaneous recovery spikes, they teach children that they can destroy the program if they raise enough “hell” and put their parents through enough pain. Days 18 and 19 show that Tommy accepts the program. From day 20 we have sustained reduction in our target behavior! Success!

What is the principle of "Time Out"?

“Time Out” means time out from reinforcement. It removes a child from the reinforcing environment and places him in one that is nonreinforcing. A Time Out room is a neutral nonreinforcing place where there is nothing to read or play with. No one can speak to, or do anything for, a “Time-outer”! If a bathroom is used it is wise to remove certain items for safety reasons. If a child is messy, they must clean up their mess before being allowed out, or pay for the damages if they break something.

Physical punishment often has an emotional aftermath. Time Out is a mild punishment and can be used many times a day, and usually eliminates the need for scolding or spanking. It should be used at the very beginning of trouble, before anyone gets “hyper” (including mom/dad) and heavy punishers are used. Most parents have been trained by their children to scold and spank, and to use unpleasantness and anger to get compliance. These behaviors are resorted to because children reinforce them.

Example: “Thank you, Tommy, for sitting down with me when I asked. Here is a token for doing what I asked you to do the first time. From now on, whenever I ask you to do something and you do it right away, I’ll give you a token. If you don’t do what I ask, I will put you in Time Out for 10 minutes. When you come out I’ll ask you to do the same thing. If you do it quickly, you are released from Time Out, but you get no token because I had to ask you twice. If you do not comply to my second request after Time Out you will return to Time Out for another 10 minutes.” Or, do whatever is appropriate. (Also, see NOTE #5, page 187.)

Correctly use 'Time Out' and

you will see big benefits!

Time Out is the consequence for not doing what was required. When you comply with a request you are reinforced with social reinforcers and tokens. When you don’t comply you are not rewarded, but are punished with Time Out. Before you implement Time Out make sure you have your reinforcing program for good behavior going. This makes the program twice as strong as having only rewards or only Time Out.

Time Out is most effective for high rate behaviors found in younger children between ages 2 and 12. For older children (teens), Time Out may not work as well as privilege loss, grounding, loss of car, or fines for swearing or for not picking up personal belongings. The consequences for older children should definitely be worked out in advance at family council, or on a “one-on-one” basis with each child.

What should I know about time out?

People and things by themselves are naturally reinforcing. We want a dull, totally nonreinforcing room for Time Out. We want to “bore” the child. A few days of 100% consistent use of Time Out should begin to reduce the rates of most problem behaviors. If it isn’t working: you are not using it every single time, the room is reinforcing, or you are not rewarding for good behavior. Research has shown that a one to five minute Time Out is as effective as 20 to 30 minutes, providing the child is calm and not acting hostile or throwing a tantrum; and that three to five minutes should be adequate in most cases. Time Out is not being “sent to your room” (which can be for 30 minutes or all day and is usually used to relieve the parents).

Set a portable kitchen timer near the Time Out door so the child and parent both know when the time is up. Have a signal and procedure for getting a child to Time Out so when you are both upset you are not trying to explain. Both must know and agree to the rules. The child is to go to Time Out immediately (on the first request) and without comment. The child should know beforehand what the consequences are for ignoring, stalling, arguing, or getting angry (more time, a fine, no toys, no TV, no bike, no dessert or dinner, whatever works). Stay calm and don’t scold or debate.

For noncompliance when told to go to Time Out, calmly say, “I told you two minutes ago to go to Time Out. For every minute you don’t go you will spend an extra minute there.” If he still does not comply say, “Go now or your bike will be locked up for two days.” The child already knew the penalty was extra time. If he does not comply, lock the bike up immediately! You don’t have to get in a hassle and drag him to Time Out. Don’t get into a power struggle over Time Out. That is what he wants!

A parent might say, “You now have 10 minutes in Time Out. You must go immediately or you can not go to the beach tomorrow.” Keep good data on Time Out and specific behavioral problems; you will be surprised. Some parents are “conned” out of using Time Out because kids say, “Hey, I don’t mind. I love it in there!” Don’t buy that; your data will prove differently. The inconvenience of going to Time Out must always be insignificant compared to the consequences of refusing to go. Compliance must always be the easiest and wisest choice!

What if they do damage in time out?

They must pay for damages out of their own money. If they cry or kick the door, let them know that “stinky” or “noisy” time does not count and you will reset the timer. If they come out early and won’t go back in, state the back-up consequence (no radio, bike, or skate board, $5.00 fine, or whatever is of real value and appropriate). In Family Council the children might agree to give up their bike for three days (or...?) for noncompliance to Time Out. Strong consequences are most effective. Also remember, that what is “terribly painful” to Sue (loss of $5.00) might mean little to Tim, whose hot button might be playing TV games (which mean nothing to Sue).

If they were sent to Time Out for failure to comply with some request, repeat the request when they come out and put them back in if they still won’t comply. Always follow through so that they know if you said it, it will absolutely happen! They must learn that bucking the system is just not worth it.

Why does my child whine and beg?

Because that is how you have trained him! Intermittent reinforcement is the maintenance of a behavior by reinforcing that behavior only occasionally. Continuous reinforcement is the maintenance of a behavior by reinforcing it every time that behavior occurs. Intermittently reinforced behavior will be much stronger than a continuously reinforced behavior. A child trained on an intermittent reinforcement schedule keeps begging because he believes that if he just keeps begging, the parent will eventually give in and will comply with the demands. The child believes this because it has happened enough times in the past to make it worth the effort. He has been taught by past parental behavior that sooner or later persistence will pay off.

A parent who says “NO!” and never changes the answer, and will not tolerate begging has taught the child that it is useless to persist. Therefore, that child has given up begging as an unprofitable behavior. A child who has been taught to persist is like a gambler in Las Vegas who keeps putting coins in the slot machines: he has been trained to keep trying because he “knows” eventually he will be rewarded.

How can I weaken intermittently

reinforced behavior?

Studies show that if you want to retrain the “cookie beggar” it might be necessary to get him off the intermittent reinforcement schedule first. How? By putting him immediately on a 100% reinforcing schedule, so that he learns that asking pays off every time.

Example: You might inform him that from now on every time he asks for a cookie you will give him one, with no struggles or questions. You then respond to 100% of his requests by immediately giving him a cookie for each request. After approximately one week (time varies according to the strength of the previous reinforcement schedule, age, personality, etc.) sit the child down and inform him that from this day forward when he asks for a cookie sometimes you will say “yes” and give him one immediately, but sometimes you will say “no”. Tell him that once you say “no” you can never change or else you would become a liar and you will not tell a lie for him or anybody else. Well, that sounds good but do you think he will believe you? Not a chance! He will test you, so be prepared! (Also, see NOTE #6, page 187 and Chapter 3 on Communication.)

What else can I do?

When he is told “no” and starts begging again introduce punishers (100% of the time)! A punisher takes away something good (things or privileges) and/or gives something bad (extra work, etc.).

? First, you are nonreinforcing to the begging (probably just ignoring).

? Second, you punish positively (giving bad) or negatively (taking away good).

The point is that there must be a serious consequence for asking again and starting to put mom on the same old pain schedule. It will be necessary to take action immediately when he begs. You must never give in to begging again (even once) or you immediately put him back on the intermittent reinforcement schedule which teaches him to expect that some “no’s” can be turned into “yes’s” if he begs enough!

What if, after two weeks of working the program perfectly you say, “No!” to his first request, but he asks you a second time, “Please, Mom...?” You think, “Well, he has been so good lately I guess it wouldn’t hurt!” And then you give him a cookie. You just shot yourself through the head! You just blew it big time! The child now concludes:

1. “Hey! Persistence pays off after all! I’d almost given up on begging!”

2. “I guess Mom does ‘lie’ sometimes!”

3. “ ‘No’ really must not mean ‘no’ all the time!”

4. “Mom pays off like a slot machine; once out of every 7 or 8 times isn’t bad! Hey, that’s better than Vegas, and what have I got to lose?”

If you never pay off, and you consistently punish when they beg, they soon think, “I’ve nothing to gain from begging, and everything to lose.”

Are you on a pain schedule?

Children have various strategies and methods of how they can inflict pain on parents in order to force parents to comply with their requests. When a parent gives in to begging (which is painful to the parent), the child rewards the parent by stopping the pain (begging). This procedure rewards the child for inflicting pain and rewards the parent for complying to the child’s demands. When a child is whining, begging, crying, or pestering, do they know you are in misery? Absolutely! They are deliberately punishing you, training you to be under their control! Make no mistake about it, many children control their parents with their cruel, punishing behavior!