"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by
Can you deliberately cross
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Can you deliberately cross communication lines? Of course! Susan: an eight-year-old whining, Adaptive Child to Parent (C-P) “Mommy, I’m too tired to make my bed!” Mother: responds, Adult to Adult (A-A) “Susan, dinner will be served in 30 minutes. You can clean your room by then and come to dinner, or if you’re too tired, you can go to bed now without any supper; the choice is yours.” Mother refused to argue and play the game. She addressed Susan as an individual who was capable and had a choice. Although Susan addressed mother’s “Parent”, her mother refused to take the bait and respond Critical Parent to Adaptive Child. Instead, she addressed Susan, Adult to Adult.
The nurturing parent has (and manifests) unconditional love and acceptance (not always approval) for the child. The nurturing parent is very accepting, forgiving and loving, and cherishes and treasures his/her children. The nurturing parent establishes rules, structures consequences and is kind but firm. (Also, see NOTE #7, page 135.) Are you a "Critical Parent"? In the Parent Ego State we see two types of transactions. The first type comes from the negative, critical parent. This parent is emotionally and psychologically in need. He is very pessimistic and demanding. “Stop making so much noise! Go to bed, now! Sit up and stop slouching! Hurry up! Stop that! Bad boy!” When we behave as outlined above we are into our Controlling, Critical Parent which is not a very pleasant ego state! People don’t like to be around the “Controller” or “Criticizer”. (Also, see NOTE #6, page 133.) When are you in your "Adult"? In Transactional Analysis the Adult is rather neutral and not divided into a positive and a negative state. The Adult takes care of the daily “business” of life and is the “computer” part of the personality. This part of the Ego is not into the caretaker parent or child-like roles. What is the "Free Child"? When we act as we feel and desire, in our basic or true selves, we are in our “Free” or “Natural” Child Ego State. We do not play “games”, but rather are absolutely open and honest. There is no shame or holding back; no compromise of principle for personal acceptance sake. We honestly express our pain; we cry when we are sad and we laugh unrestrained when we are happy. We do not censor our words or actions for pretense, or for the approval of others. We are honest and simply ourselves. We do not change for the sake of acceptance. Wouldn’t we all like to be “free” in that sense? (Also, see NOTE #9, page 136.) What is the "Adaptive Child"? The Adaptive Child is the “socialized” child. He is our adaptation designed to “survive” in this world. As children we adapted to the demand of parents, school and others. We learned all the games: to say “thank you” and “please” to get what we wanted. We also learned to cry, exaggerate, lie, throw tantrums and do whatever else it took to get what we needed to survive. Now as grownups, we still act in learned ways to survive and to get what we want. We have learned to act sweet, to demand, to get violent, or do whatever “works”! (Also, see NOTE #8, page 135.) Where do you spend your life? In which ego state do you spend most of your time? In the nurturing or critical parent? How would your children or your spouse answer that question about you? When you are in your Parent Ego State what percentage of time are you nurturing as opposed to critical and controlling? As for your Child Ego State; do you spend much time in your Free Child or are you usually playing your games and adaptive child maneuvers to get what you want? Do you ever enjoy the Free Child at all? Would your children like to see you in your Free Child more often? People who spend time in their Negative Parent and Adaptive Child Ego States are not really very happy. You have the power to choose which Ego State you will live in every minute of every day. Do not permit others to put you into a negative Ego State. Choose to be positive! Choose to be happy! Do my children know the difference? Yes! It is the difference between night and day to them. Children prefer that your Nurturing Parent or Adult communicate with their Free Child or Adult. They love Nurturing Parent communications. Your kids, even the young ones, enjoy being talked to as adults. Your children do not like Critical Parent or Adaptive Child communications under any circumstances. If you don’t think they know the difference, try changing how you communicate and watch your relationships improve! Loving or destructive parents? CP = Critical/Controlling Parent NP = Nurturing/Loving Parent AC = Adaptive Child NC = Natural/Free Child EVIL/NEGATIVE GOOD/POSITIVE Depressing Encouraging Controlling Supporting Unhappy Happy Coercion Freedom Hate Love You’re no good! You are great! Misery Joy Conditional Love Unconditional Love Shame/Doubt Humility Mistrust Trust Unworthy Worthy Low Self-esteem High Self-esteem Incapable Capable Death Life By and large, it is the Critical Parent that rejects the Natural Child and creates (socializes) the Adaptive Child. Happiness is in the Nurturing Parent and Natural Child. Eliminate the negative atmosphere of the Critical Parent. How did we get so negative? We come out of our childhood having been programmed by our parents. We are critical, controlling and afraid to trust. We have a great influence on our own children and can turn them into Critical Parents and Adaptive Children be rejecting them when they are in their Natural/Free Child. Many parents project their critical, controlling, perfectionistic and rejecting attitudes onto their innocent and defenseless children. Notice in the charts that follow how the Critical or Nurturing Parents tend to reinforce the Adaptive or Free Child, depending upon the parent’s ego state orientation. Examples of Adult Ego State Communications and various responses: Adult to Adult (positive) “George, will you please give me a hand? I’m afraid I’m going to be late.” “Sure, just a second.” Adult to Adult (positive) “I’ll take care of the kitchen and shopping today, but I’ll need you to fix lunch and watch your sister. Can I count on you?” Adaptive Child to Parent (negative): “Aw, Mom, why me? I always have to watch her; please can I go?” Examples of Child Ego State Communications: Adaptive Child to Parent (negative): “Why do I always have to feed the dog?” Nurturing Parent to Jim’s Adult (positive): “Jim, it’s your dog and if you choose not to care for him we’ll get rid of him.” Free Child to Free Child (positive) “Daddy, you be the horse and I’ll be the Indian and ride you.” “OK! Let’s go!” Adaptive Child to Parent (negative) “No! You can’t make me!!” Examples of Parallel and Crossed Transactions Diagram “A” Illustrates a parallel transaction between Laura’s and Tom’s Adult Ego States. “Tom, could you go get me some bread at the store?” “Sure, do you need anything else while I’m out?” Diagram “B” Illustrates a crossed transaction between Laura and Tom. Laura Spoke Adult to Adult to Tom, but Tom responded Adaptive Child to Critical Parent. “Tom, could you go get me some bread at the store?” “No!! Why are you always nagging me? Leave me alone!” IN SUMMARY: I can choose to be in, or communicate from my: 1) Critical Controlling Parent Ego State 2) Nurturing Parent Ego State 4) Adaptive Child Ego State 5) Free or Natural Child Ego State and I can choose to communicate to another person’s: 1) Critical Controlling Parent Ego State 2) Nurturing Parent Ego State 3) Adult Ego State 4) Adaptive Child Ego State 5) Free or Natural Child Ego State PREMISE: The Critical/Controlling Parent develops and requires the child to adapt in negative ways. The more critical and controlling the parent, the more the child is required to adapt in negative ways.
There is Jekyll and Hyde in each of us. In each of our children there is a positive and negative side. You can have great influence over a child’s attitude and outlook, either cheery or dreary, depending on how you communicate to him. In other words, there is an inner potential in each child to develop into a nice kid or a genuine brat. The side of your child’s personality that you feed and nourish will have a greater tendency to develop, grow strong and become the dominant side the child presents to the world. If attention and success come to the child by being a brat and doing bratty things, then chances are he will become a brat. However, if brat behavior never gets him what he wants but in fact brings unpleasant consequences, then there is no value or benefit in being a brat. Therefore, if you want to develop a cooperative, polite, hard working child you must constantly reinforce the positive child so that he learns that being good (and not bad) is the way to get what he wants out of life. In other words, what you feed and nourish grows, and what you starve dies away.
Which John are you rewarding? Which John is being paid off and getting what he wants? Who (what) are you creating? Take a good look at your child and answer that! (Also, see NOTE #6, page 133, and NOTE #8, page 135.) Can I change? Yes, if you decide to, you can change, and greatly affect the lives of your family. You have the key, the choice is yours. You can change the entire atmosphere of your home by improving your communication. The Quality of your communication directly determines the quality of your relationships. What are we communicating? Children build their self-image by seeing their reflection in our eyes. How we treat them, touch them, address them and talk to them conveys the true message of their value to us. Through mirroring they are able to build their self-image. If we value them and communicate that properly, they feel and believe they are valuable and treasured. Above all, we must communicate our unconditional love and acceptance! If we understand and apply the Transactional Analysis model of communication, we can perform miracles in the lives of our children. Make sure you concentrate on communicating positive love messages. Does love come through when it is most needed? A son doing pot? When a child insists on doing something that is dangerous or harmful, we are sorely tested. We advise, warn, and even threaten, but all to no avail. Our loved one insists on putting himself in harm’s way. Unable to convince or to stop him, our fear and desperation turn to anger (because we can’t control him). If we didn’t love him or care about him, we wouldn’t be angry. What he feels, however, is the anger and not the love. What a trap! Let the love come through, instead of the fear, frustration and anger! How do we let the love shine through? Remember, anger is usually the result of not being able to control. Therefore get out of the “controlling” business! Also, try the following: ? Download and diffuse the tension and anger in each situation ? Present your love, not your anger or power ? Present your acceptance, not your criticism ? Be kind, but firm ? Keep the big picture in mind and don’t focus on trivia Don’t sweat the small stuff! Our spirits are like a delicate flower. As the flower turns toward the sun, we turn towards the warmth of love. We open and bond and are intimate with those who are accepting, sympathetic, gentle and kind to us. However, if we are criticized, disapproved of, and pained by others, we shut down and turn away from their stabbing and hurtful remarks and actions. (Also, see NOTE #10, page 136.) How does reframing help? Don’t say, “If you don’t get the dishes done you can’t watch TV.” It becomes even worse if you threaten or use anger. Reframe it by saying (in a pleasant voice), “Sweetheart, when your dishes are done, let’s watch TV. What would you like to watch?” Reframe from negative to positive and your whole world will change. Make the effort to see the positive in everything! What is Grandma's "Rule"? GRANDMA’S “RULE” “First...., then....you may!” Grandmas always use this “First..., then...!” rule because they are smarter than the rest of us. Grandma’s rule simply is to put what she wants first and what the kids want after they comply. Another way to use the principle is to say, “As soon as your dishes are done you may play.” Work first and then play. First you earn and then you spend. Performance counts, not words. Talk is cheap! No deals! "Show me!" (Said sweetly and firmly!) What is the "MTP"? Through the Multi-Generational Transmission Process (MTP) we project onto our children our dysfunctional behavioral patterns as well as our virtues. We transmit our entire belief systems, or our reality, from generation to generation. Our children, without censoring capability, totally accept everything (introjection). Parents “project” their “truth” onto their children who accept it without question. Both good and bad values are passed from one generation to another through the Multi-Generational Transmission Process. (Also, see Chapter 8 on Family Systems.) What is the Law of the Harvest? The Law of the Harvest states that: ? We reap what we sow (it is a world of consequation). ? We get what we earn. ? Results take planning, hard work, patience and endurance. Therefore: ? Rejection begets rejection. ? Hurt begets hurt. ? Respect begets respect. ? Kindness begets kindness. ? Love and acceptance begets love and acceptance. So, if you want happiness, you must plant (sow) those seeds! What is "content" versus "process"? When we communicate we need to look below the words and hear and understand what is really going on. Content is the “story line”, i.e. what is happening on the surface. Fourteen-year-old Suzie is not making her bed before school each morning, even though mother reminds constantly. They have regular fights about her bed, messy room and getting to school on time. Process is the “dynamics” of what is happening below the surface, i.e. interpersonally, between mother and Suzie. For example, mother is constantly “rescuing” Suzie by reminding her to clean her room and to get to school on time. Mother is “controlling” and Suzie is resisting and in a power struggle with her mother. (Also, see NOTE #11, page 137.)
Reflective listening is a type of listening which involves reflecting back to the speaker what we, the listener, have heard (both content and feelings). When we use “reflective” listening we: 1. Listen intently, using eye contact and body language, and 2. Reflect back to the speaker what we have heard. Both; A. Content (of what they said) and B. Feelings (their feelings)
The “Blame Game” is a game played to place fault, or to shift the focus and blame from oneself onto another person. Blaming says, “I don’t have to change! You do!” Blaming (besides destroying personal relationships) is a terrible waste of valuable time and energy that should be used for solving the problems! Finding someone to blame when things go wrong is one of the sure signs of a dysfunctional family or relationship. It is jokingly said that when there is a big problem, the fellow who suddenly smiles is the one who has just figured out who he can blame! Appendix to Chapter 3 NOTE #1 - Reflective Listening Examples: Closed parent response Teenager: My science teacher gave me a “C” on that science project. I can’t believe it! Parent: 1. I told you to type it but you won’t ever listen will you? 2. Don’t complain; we get what we deserve. 3. Teachers aren’t unfair; what did you mess up this time? These are called “closed responses” because they effectively close down communication between people. They are usually “put downs” in the form of giving advice or criticism. Open parent responses Teenager: I can’t believe Mr. Green gave me a “C” on my science project after I spent weeks on the stupid thing. Parent: It sounds to me like you’re very disappointed (feelings) only getting a “C” after doing that much work. (content) Teenager: Besides that, he gave Don an “A” because he did the project Mr. Green suggested. Parent: Have I got this right? You feel angry (feelings) because Mr. Green is being unfair. (content) Teenager: You’d better believe it! Anyway, I learned a lot from my project; it really was hard! Parent: Then in spite of the disappointing (feelings) grade, are you glad (feelings) you stuck to your more difficult project? (content) Teenager: Yeah! I guess I am, but I thought I was going to get an “A” for sure.
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do, just hear me. Advice is cheap; you can get both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself; I am not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling. And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you. NOTE #2 - Arguing If you are contentious and argumentative you set up negative and destructive standards of communication within the home. The more arguing is rewarded, the more it escalates. If you must always win, you make your child the loser. Please use these techniques to eliminate arguing: Sponge: Yes, yes, tell me more, more, more...Is that all? Deflectors: Nevertheless, regardless, in spite of that, I see, however... Broken Record: Nevertheless, do the dishes, now! When a child asks, “Why?” remember, about 90% of the time he is not after more data. When kids use “why?”, it is often okay to go ahead and answer the first time. If they persist, chances are their “why’s” are asked only so they can overcome your objections. Arguing is fuel for anger, rage, and finally violence. Arguing drives the Rage Gage to intolerable levels. (Also, see Chapter 1 on Parent Traps.) Note to parents: Arguing will continue if it is rewarded. Contention will continue if it is rewarded. If you stop rewarding your children for competing with each other and reward them for cooperating with each other the changes will be miraculous! NOTE #3 - Love Languages One trap we often get into is communicating our love to another person in our love language and not in their love language. Many marriage counselors have heard from their clients, “I give and give love in this relationship and get absolutely nothing back.” Guess what? When the counselor meets with the spouse he hears, “I give and give love in this relationship and get absolutely nothing in return.” This is because of miscommunication in the Love Languages. Each spouse is sending love messages in their love language that the other is not receiving, and each is expecting love messages in their own love language that never come. Remember: love languages are just that; different languages to communicate our love. Thinking of the “love language” as an actual language might be helpful. Just because I am fluent in French and express my love to you in French doesn’t guarantee you will be able to understand even one word of it. You may only speak English! Is it important to know the love language of your spouse, or your children? (Note: Take the love language test which is found on the tapes.) NOTE #4 - Never Lie Be sure to get all the facts before making a decision. If necessary, defer the decision until you have had time to get all the data, weigh it out and think about it. Beware! Don’t say, “Yes, I can!” or, “No, you can’t!” prematurely. If you say it, it must be true, and it must come to pass! You must be perfectly truthful and never lie in order to maintain the credibility of your word. Tell them clearly, kindly, firmly and only once! If there is no compliance, act with significant consequences. Do not threaten, remind or coax. You need to act in a timely way (every time), after the first request, or you will train them to ignore and to be disobedient to first requests. You teach your children to lie if you lie. You also destroy your credibility and encourage your kids to try to manipulate you to change your word. Without credibility you foster “parent deafness”! This happens when your children don’t listen to you any more because what you say seldom happens. You don’t follow through! Why listen to you? If they can “con” you, or argue and beg you successfully, why worry? They figure that if they get into trouble they can negotiate or talk their way out of it later. And they do! Have things so well structured and ordered in your home that the children know what to do without being told. They will already know without constant reminding if you have been applying consequences consistently. (Also, see Chapter 6 on the Token Economy and Chapter 5 on Behavior Modification) Yüklə 2,18 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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