"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

Principles

How many correct

principles are there?

There are many Correct Principles of family government upon which we should base our relationships. We list 13 of them for you as an introduction. Some of the correct principles that are relative to personal relationships may be harder to identify than the principles of gravity and motion, but nevertheless, they exist. There are many false and harmful concepts and practices in the world and you must discern the truth from the error It is important to understand that in the field of human relationships, just as in any field of science, we have correct principles to follow. Parenting ignorantly and emotionally instead of scientifically can end in disaster. No matter how noble our intentions or how sincere our desires and efforts, if these Correct Principles are not understood and used, our relationships, our families, and our children might fail to develop normally in a positive, healthy manner. Forsake error and cling to truth!

Correct Principle #1:

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love. Unconditional love is to love fully without any strings or conditions, to treasure and cherish another person simply for who they are. It is loving others whether they are lazy, disobedient, or dishonest (even when they betray us). We love them regardless of their problems or failures, whether they are beautiful or plain, smart or below average intelligence. We love them for who they are and what they are, not for how they perform! Unconditional love is full, it is steady, it is always there; it is noncritical, nonjudgmental, and wholly unselfish. Unconditional love can be defined as an irrational, deep and abiding affection and positive regard held for another being, given totally without demand or condition. It is not self-serving, but pure love, whole and unpolluted.

How do I develop unconditional love?

The first steps that will put you on the road to developing the capacity to love unconditionally are:

First: Purifying one’s life of inappropriate activities and thoughts.

Second: Devoting one’s life to the service of others in some intelligent and valuable way.

Love is a pure and noble emotion and resonates in lofty, principled hearts and minds more harmoniously than in corrupted and unclean ones. Our capacity to love seems to grow in proportion to our goodness and unselfishness. Selfishness is characterized by an obsessive focus on self, personal ambition and wants, and an excessive pursuit of such. Love, on the other hand, focuses upon others and their needs and motivates intelligent service. Loving yourself and wisely caring for your basic personal needs is part of the wisdom that is associated with healthy love.

How do I show love?

Children cannot begin to comprehend how deeply loved they are by their parents. This is partly because children are inexperienced. However, we as parents, when unskilled in showing our love, have a tendency to be critical and over-focused on what we do not like. To be spoken to with respect is a compliment in itself; it infers personal value.

We need to communicate in a kind, gentle and respectful way. Even when we are angry we still need to allow the child his dignity. When a parent is angry (perhaps with good justification) the child might hear only the anger, and not the love. Correcting and disciplining are justified but disrespect is not. Make sure that your unconditional love always shows through.

What is cherishing?

To cherish is to love, value and honor. It is more than just loving! Inherent in this feeling is respect for the other person’s boundaries and rights. I can have and communicate love for my child and yet not treasure him. In the “Loving Trust Family” (Also, see Chapter 4 on Family Government) the children feel more than just love; they feel valued, treasured and cherished. There is a big difference between just knowing your parents love you, and feeling respected, and precious. We often use the word “love” when we mean “charity”. Both cherish and charity are derived from the same Latin word carus which means “dear”. (Also, see NOTE #1, page 90.)

NOTE:

? To be loved unconditionally is a vital need

? Love and order are both essential in the home

? Love and charity must be the foundation of all family relationships (not power, fear or guilt)

Correct Principle #2: Free Choice

There is some innate desire in each of us that demands we be allowed to choose for ourselves; that we be free. It is natural for all of us to test the limits, to rebel against restraints, and to exercise our right to choose. Expect children to sometimes resist restraint and try their muscles. In an effort to spare children from injury and pain, parents often try to control them. Children, of course, oppose these controls, and the eternal battle between parent and child begins. We can have limited control over the physical being of an infant but he soon develops beyond our ability to control him.

Is freedom mine to give?

Parents don’t “give” their children freedom; freedom is inherent in each child. Problems can arise when parents try to take it away. Children are naturally “free” as human beings. When we try to constrain them or take away that freedom (even for their own safety) they rebel against us. They know they are free. The erroneous assumption of parents is that children are not free.

It is not surprising then, that teenagers resist and often even rebel against parental constraints and limits in order to feel “free”. This is completely normal. If you fight against the soul of your child and try to take away his freedom, you are going against his very nature. There is something noble and great in man that causes him to want to be free. Freedom is our inalienable right. We fight for it, we die for it, and even small children struggle for it.

Do I let them do as they please?

Children always have their agency, but should be granted privileges commensurate with their age and capabilities. Give lots of privileges for responsible behavior and fewer privileges for less responsible behavior. Draw a distinct line between privileges and one’s right to choose. Freedom of choice is innate! Privileges are not innate rights, but the rewards (consequences) of the proper exercise of free choice (good behavior). Misuse of the great gift of freedom brings unhappiness and destruction into one’s life. (Also, see NOTE #2, page 90.)

Correct Principle #3: Accountability

Accountability is the concept of being held responsible for the consequences of our words and actions. We are absolutely 100% responsible for the consequences of our own actions. We are responsible for correcting our mistakes and paying the price for our irresponsible behaviors. We are also accountable and responsible for our good behaviors or actions. Accountability is based on the presumption that we are all free agents to choose for ourselves. (Also, see Principle #2, page 74.) Since they are our choices, the resulting consequences, either good or bad, are our responsibility.

What am I accountable for?

Whether we meant to or not, forgot or not, tried or not, or just made an innocent mistake, we are accountable for our actions. We are accountable for things done in ignorance as well as for things done with knowledge. We are accountable for our actions whether we understand the laws involved or not. Ignorance is no excuse. We are even accountable for our “first” choices. A little child may not understand the law of gravity, but when he falls, he gets hurt. He had no malicious or deliberate intent. A child is accountable if he is rough housing and breaks a vase; but, he is twice accountable if he deliberately breaks the vase out of anger. (Also, see NOTE #3, page 91.)

Correct Principle #4: Consequences

Consequences are the positive or negative experiences that follow the decisions we make. We can observe a universe of law and order, of cause and effect. The principle of consequation is the law of cause and effect. We do something and it causes other things to happen, or not happen. It is essential for a child to understand early in life that his choices determine the quality of his life or the consequences that he experiences. Nothing happens in and of itself. There are two kinds of consequences: Natural and Logical.

What are "Natural" and

"Logical" consequences?

Natural consequences are the natural results of our choices. Ultimate happiness comes from wise choices, while pain is eventually experienced from our irresponsible choices. The “natural consequence” of leaving the gate open is the loss of the dog. You don’t allow natural consequences when they are dangerous or would interfere with the rights of others. We can’t allow a child to throw rocks at a neighbor and hit him in the face. Some natural consequences are also so severe that we cannot allow them to occur. For instance, a three-year-old cannot be allowed to play in the street and experience the natural consequence of being run over. For such life-threatening cases we use logical consequences.

A logical consequence is a contrived or invented consequence that is used when the natural consequence would be too severe or is nonexistent. Father takes away Johnny’s bike as a logical consequence for riding it in the street, or a child is sent to her room for whining and for pestering mom.

How do I apply consequences?

Natural Consequences are allowed to happen by just not interfering in the “natural” course of events (no nagging or reminding). When it is not appropriate to do nothing, you invent and apply some logical consequence to modify behavior. Consequences are an absolutely essential ingredient in the learning process. Our success and happiness and our health and economic future depend on the choices we make. Children need to be able to see the connection between responsible decision-making and a high quality of life. Natural and logical consequences also have an air of fairness about them. Therefore, children focus on the reasons for the consequences and the reasons for their pain instead of feeling that punishment is a result of unfair or arbitrary parents. Consequences allow children to learn and experience from the natural and social order of events and things in life rather than from constant parental demands. (Also, see NOTE #4, page 92.)

Correct Principle #5: Pleasure/Pain

The Pleasure/Pain principle is demonstrated by the obvious fact that all living organisms move away from pain and move towards pleasure. It is just that simple! All living organisms prefer pleasure to pain. Our words, our actions, and all of our behaviors are designed to escape (or minimize) pain and to seek and obtain pleasure. All behavior can be understood within that framework. Your child’s behavior is designed to bring pleasure or to avoid pain.

Why is this important to know?

Understanding the pleasure/pain principle gives us the key to stopping behavior we don’t want and creating behavior that we do want. For example, Johnny avoids the “pain” of making his bed every morning. So, to change his ‘sneaking off behavior’ into ‘bed making behavior’ we use the pleasure/pain principle.

First: We give him pleasure (rewards) for making the bed that exceeds the value of escaping the pain of making his bed ($.25).

We can further increase the chances that he will make the bed by counting on the fact that he wants to avoid pain.

Second: We introduce a pain that significantly exceeds the inconvenience (pain) of making the bed himself (maid service fee of $1.00 for mom to make his bed each time he “forgets”).

Outcome: Johnny decides to endure the ‘small pain’ of making the bed, in order to avoid the ‘big pain’ of a fine; plus he gets the pleasure of a reward in the bargain.

Thus we see that we can modify behavior in our children by removing the pleasure of undesirable behavior or by introducing pain that is the result of that undesirable behavior and by rewarding them for doing what we want. Behavior, when seen within the context of this model, is extremely easy to understand and to modify. Sometimes it seems to work like magic. (Also, see Chapter 5 on Behavior Modification.)

Correct Principle #6: Work

Work. Work is an essential key to healthy human development. It is one of the foundation blocks of character development. Work helps a child to develop independence, endurance and tenacity. It improves the child’s self-image and develops confidence and self-discipline. The child also learns to handle responsibility. Work is inseparably connected to the world of consequation. We reap what we sow. We are supposed to earn and deserve what we get in life. In many homes the children are incorrectly indulged and spoiled. How can a child appreciate what he has been given if he doesn’t know its value because he has never “earned” anything?

When should a child start working?

We have noted that even young children ages 2 and 3 can start picking up their toys. Certainly children older than this should have significant duties commensurate with their age and physical abilities. Children are much more capable than most of us think and therefore we generally underestimate them. Eric Erickson believes that the optimum developmental time for instilling a sense of industry in children occurs in the six-year period between ages 6 and 12.

If the child does not learn to work he fails to develop the skills and confidence of independence and develops a sense of inferiority. This means that he will carry a skill deficit into the teenage years. Our children must learn to work while they are young! This does not mean that they can never have any fun, but they should have lots of work, earn money, and eventually be able to buy many of their own personal belongings. They need to learn to manage and budget their own time and money. By the time they get into the teenage years, they should have a steady income from the efforts of their own labors, both in and out of the home. Work helps a child learn quickly that we get what we earn in life.

What if my kids don't want to work?

If kids don’t want to work, it is because there is no existing need in the environment for them to work! Kids need to need! What is the ideal environment for raising children? One in which there are lots of opportunities to work! If children have everything given to them, it destroys their incentive to work. Why work if everything is provided? Parents must create a home environment of need. It is not wrong for children to have “needs”. They must need some clothes, toys and money for entertainment so they will work.

As they work, they will begin to develop a sense of power, a sense of independence and confidence that they can provide for themselves. Work also develops character, courage, resourcefulness, stamina and a positive self-image. It is what makes people happy! Kids should learn to work, sacrifice, save, and defer gratification. They need to struggle and then taste success and victory over themselves and their world. Don’t deny them this just so you can have joy in giving them everything! (Also, see NOTE #5, page 92.)

What about allowances?

An allowance is a gift, it is a “dole”. It is welfare! It is getting what we have not earned and it carries with it an insulting and insidious message. “Here is some money! I must give you money because I believe you obviously are so lacking in principles and so lazy that you are incapable of earning your own way. I, the superior being, must care for you, the inferior being.”

Some rather short-sighted people have taught that allowances are “good” because children need the opportunity and experience of handling and budgeting money. This ridiculous idea has found some willing listeners. Which child is going to learn about money, its value and the wise management of it more quickly? The child who has been given $50.00, or the child who has worked and earned and saved and banked it? Everything else being equal, which child will more likely blow it on junk and video games? Which child will more likely lend it to irresponsible friends? On the other hand, which child will more likely use it for something of value? Don’t insult your children by giving them money. Give them work and opportunity! Let them experience “need” so that they can achieve their goals.

Correct Principle #7: Contracts

As we associate with other people in life, we come to be dependent upon their actions. We depend on others to be there or not be there, to do this or to do that. Our lives depend upon these agreements and relationships. Therefore, it is important that parents train their children in the art of making and keeping contracts. “Earnings Contracts” bring order into the home and great opportunity for the development of character and virtue.

How do contracts help?

The principle of contracts is closely connected to the principle of work and facilitates the development of character, honor, integrity, exactness in thinking, negotiation skills, foresight, and an appreciation of these virtues in others. The skillful use of contracts creates a home of order, a family of integrity, and appreciative children who willingly work hard, earn, save, and are much happier! (Also, see NOTE #6, page 93.)

How do I use contracts?

Contracts can be verbal or written. Contracts that are written are usually better thought out, better understood and cause less confusion and arguments later on. Contracts between parents and children are used as training tools. Some suggestions for contracts are:

1. Both parties have an honest purpose.

2. Both parties mutually benefit from the arrangement (a win/win).

3. The child should agree to do something (clean his room).

4. The parents should agree to do something that is conditional upon the child’s performance. This binds both the child and the parent to perform.

5. Consequences (penalties) should be set up and written down in case there is a nonfulfillment of the contract.

6. The contract should be dated.

7. Behaviors and rewards should be specifically spelled out.

8. If time, quality, or quantity are significant factors, they should be noted.

9. Signatures of the contracting parties should be obtained.

10. Contracts should be in writing and copies provided.

Correct Principle #8: Government

Government in the “Loving Trust” family is based upon the principles of trust, mutual love, respect, consent and voluntary compliance. This family style is not based on power. It is based upon freedom, consequences, love and many other basic principles. It is not autocratic, or permissive or democratic. Democratic systems are justified when people are “equal”. Parents and infants are not equals in the sense they have equal capacities. For this and other reasons a democratic system will not work in the typical home. Don’t try to force it!

Parents should institute a family government and then govern their family as the presiding authorities. The establishment of laws, rules, policies and limits founded upon correct universal principles are absolutely necessary for an orderly, safe and peaceful society within the family home. It is the function of government to enforce the law and protect each individual and to secure to him his personal entitlements. (Also, see Chapter 4 on Family Government.)

What are the elements

of family government?

Here are a few of the many elements upon which a Loving Trust Family Government is founded.

? Individual inherent free moral agency (right to choose)

? Individual entitlement to dignity, respect, protection

? Individual accountability for choices

? Right and duty of parents to preside (rule) in the home

? Duties of parents to protect, teach, model the highest moral values and to lead by example

? Duties of children to listen, learn, respect and obey parental authority

? Work and struggle are necessary to healthy development

? Consequences result from personal choices

? Love is unconditional

? Family government is sustained by voluntary compliance

? Punishment and pain are sometimes necessary in the learning experience

? Government is administered in family council

(Also, see NOTE #7, page 94 and Chapter 4 on Family Government.)

What is a family council?

The family council is a meeting held at least once a week to conduct all family business and is attended by all family members. Parents always preside but the meeting can be conducted (chaired) by anyone old enough to do it (with a little help). The meeting follows a regular agenda. The family council is a format to discuss all family matters; such as problems, calendering activities, finances, proposals, etc. All family members have an opportunity to be heard in the family council; to debate the issues and to lobby for their special interests.

When a problem has been considered and everyone has been heard, mother and father will discuss it (privately if need be) and then present their final decision to the family. The parents will probably express to the children how they weighed the facts and reached their final decision. This will help the children to understand how decisions are made. All decisions will not be popular. Learning to compromise and handling disappointment well is an important lesson in life that each child should learn early.

Once mom and dad have modeled how to make decisions and how to agree on things, the person conducting the meeting will ask something like this, “All those who will now sustain mom and dad’s decision please hold up your hands.” This offers a child a chance to unite behind the decision for the good of the family. It is good for children to learn to express faith in their parents and support the family even when the decision is unpopular with them.

The family council should not last too long and should always be followed by great treats and fun activities so that everyone looks forward to it. (Also, see Chapter 4 for Family Council Agenda.)

Correct Principle #9: Obedience

Without law there can be no obedience or disobedience, no virtue or crime, no rewards or failures, no victories or defeats, no order, no growth and no accountability. Parents need to understand that obedience is voluntary compliance; literally the exercise of freedom. On the other hand, slavery is forced compliance, which is not obedience. There must be voluntary compliance to law so that peace, harmony, love and happiness can exist in a family.

We use compliance and obedience to express the same thing, but, in the strict sense we use obedience to define the voluntary choice to do something out of a commitment to an inner value such as respecting and having faith in a parent or a virtuous principle. We use compliance to describe behavior that a child is either forced to do or that he would not normally do on his own (internal values) but will do if there are external rewards and inducements. Tim has been taught to keep a clean bedroom. He does so now because he wants a clean room and is therefore “obedient” in keeping his room clean.