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Parent Trap #11: Parental Disunity
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Parent Trap #11: Parental Disunity PARENTAL DISUNITY undermines the relationships in the family. Sometimes, because of one parent’s need to be approved of, or to be accepted, that parent will try to show love to the child by rescuing, or by taking sides against the other parent. This models a distrustful, sneaky, cheating style of relationship. The relationship of husband and wife should be sacred, honest and loyal. Children are typically not interested in family harmony; they are interested in getting their own way! Parental disunity can be exploited by a child, but a child is not responsible for the parental disunity. Parental disunity may manifest itself in alienating the other parent and deliberately undermining his/her influence. When one parent is angry at the other parent, he may deliberately or unconsciously begin to make the other parent the “stupid one”, the “irresponsible one”, or the one who “doesn’t love you like I do.” To alienate a child from the other parent is a cruel, hateful thing to do; it hurts the child much more than it hurts the other parent. This kind of behavior is done by ignorant, self-serving parents.
Don’t let one parent get away with being the “good” parent, playing “Santa Claus” while the other parent is required to carry the burden of discipline alone! In order not to confuse the child, parents need to get on the same page with their parenting philosophy. They must agree and be consistent for the sake of the children. Please, do not play the “good cop/bad cop” game. Parents, is it OK to disagree? YES, OF COURSE! It is OK for parents to disagree in front of their children as long as they are not “disagreeable”. Parents disagree, and people often have different opinions that clash. Without having a fight or hating each other, the parents model how to disagree; the child sees the parents working out their difficulties. The children see mom and dad disagreeing without being nasty, discounting, or personally attacking each other. Remember to attack the problem and not the person. Parent Trap #12: The Quick Fix The QUICK FIX is anything improper we do to get the results we want right now. Using rage, lying, yelling, threatening or giving in to an unwise request, all relieve the pressure on us and quickly solve an immediate problem. A quick fix is the easy way out, but never the right way out. A quick fix would be to build a dog house for your son rather than helping him do it, which will take about four times as long. Why do parents use a "Quick Fix"? Because it’s easy and because it works! Beware of what “works”! Shortcuts are often tempting for the immediate benefits, but they can destroy personal relationships with our children. There is no quick way to raise children; there is no easy way to get an education. There is no quick and easy way to build a loving relationship. Raising a family takes intelligence, effort, patience and correct principles. Don’t give in to the quick fix. We must invest time and effort using correct principles to build lasting relationships and healthy children. The parent who does not understand correct parenting principles is most likely to use a quick fix. The quick fix, the easy way to do something, is often the most damaging way. Shortcuts are often pitfalls that are much more costly in the long run. Anger is a quick fix, as are control, rescuing and lying. Although they work for a while, later they backfire because they are not the correct principles upon which to build loving relationships, character, or self-esteem in children. When tempted to rescue, for instance, we must remember that although it takes longer to go through the process of letting the child solve her own problem, it is worth the extra time and effort. Parent Trap #13: Conditional Love CONDITIONAL LOVE is a way to control other people; it is manipulation. Some parents learned in their families of origin to control others by withholding love, approval and affection from them unless they conformed to their desires. “I will love you if you do this or if you do that.” This says that my love for you is conditional on you doing what I want. I will love you only if you please me. A child needs to know that she is loved and has value. In a nurturing environment the child learns she is loved and accepted for exactly who she is, regardless of performance or other qualities. If she makes mistakes, she is still loved. Parents who use love as a lever to get kids to behave or to motivate them are cruel. Conditional love is destructive; its message is, “You’re not loved unless you ‘perform’ or ‘produce’ according to the wishes and needs of others.”
Yes, if it is done correctly. The statement, “I’m so proud of you because you made the touchdown!” causes a boy to believe that if he hadn’t made the touchdown dad wouldn’t be proud of him. The time the child fails is when he especially needs dad to assure his love for him. “I love you so much. You’re such a wonderful son. I love you just like you are, whether you catch the ball or drop it. That has nothing to do with my loving you.” Does your child typically get approval only when he performs well? Does he still know he is loved, even when he fails or really displeases you? Does conditional love demand a loss of self? Of personal integrity? Yes! Conditional love asks a person to give up a piece of his own life, freedom, or values in order to be accepted and loved. Because all people crave love, it is a powerful incentive. It sets a person up to behave in certain ways to prove to a group that he will submit, and be loyal to the values of the group. People will wear goofy clothes, smoke dope, get drunk, run away, drop out of school, use drugs, rebel against parents, or do anything the group dictates or sets up as a condition of acceptance. Teach your children not to “sell out” for love or acceptance. What does your child believe about you? Children are great observers of what is happening in their environment, but they are often terrible interpreters. Parents know that their love for their child is unconditional, but in order to control, they may act like their love is conditional or they might be critical and appear as nonaccepting unless the child does what they want. Therefore, the child can come to believe that their love is actually conditional, based on his observations and comments made by parents. In the final analysis, it doesn’t matter what the parent’s intention is; what matters is how the child is interpreting it. It is what the child believes the parents feel about him that has such an impact on the child’s feelings of self-worth. Communicate clearly that your love and acceptance of your child is unconditional; that it is not based on his obedience, performance, talents, beliefs or anything else other than just himself. (Also, see NOTE #9, page 63.)
A SCAPEGOAT is a person made to bear the blame which should fall on others. In some families emotionally upset parents often vent their anger and pain by dumping their frustrations on a child. Sadly, some parents are unknowingly sacrificing their children as scapegoats in order to save their dysfunctional and unhappy marriages. A parent that is frustrated and in pain over a disappointing and unfulfilling marital relationship may find it too threatening to openly face the spouse and deal with the real problems, so he might take out his frustrations on a child for misbehaving. How does scapegoating occur? The scapegoat child does something wrong (usually minor) that the frustrated parent sees. This act is seized upon by the anxious and stressed out parent who uses it as the trigger and excuse to dump his whole load of anger and frustration on the child. Obviously the parent response to the child’s infraction can be all out of proportion to the offense. This behavioral pattern can be so habitualized that the very sight of the child triggers the parent’ anger. A child is an easy “safe” target upon which to displace one’s anger and frustration. Scapegoating relieves the tension in the marital relationship and temporarily can “help” the marriage, but obviously it does not solve any problems. This venting (pain/relief) process, repeats itself over and over because it is self-reinforcing. Raging at the child then becomes the emotional safety valve for the marriage and tends to preserve the marriage at a dysfunctional level (at the expense of the child of course).
Parents often bring such a scapegoated child to therapy as the “presenting problem” in the family. In this sense the scapegoated child (or children) becomes the “symptom bearers” for the dysfunctional family. An interesting phenomenon occurs: When the child causes a crisis, the marriage gets better. Later, when the child gets better, the marriage gets worse again. That, in turn, triggers another crisis by the child which unites the parents and miraculously improves the marriage again, and so on until the real problem (the dysfunctional marriage) is dealt with. Parent Trap #15: Surrogate Spouse Typically a SURROGATE SPOUSE is created out of a child by a parent who has turned to the child to have his/her emotional needs met because the marital relationship is not filling these needs. For instance, a wife turns to a son or daughter to fulfill emotional needs that should have been fulfilled by her husband! This “emotional incest” also occurs when a parent discusses confidential matters with the child and the child must comfort the parent, thus becoming a surrogate spouse or confidant to the parent. A child cannot handle this, and it is terribly abusive to use an innocent child for that purpose. Don’t expect your children to be your marriage counselors, or the dump for your emotional garbage. What does a child in need do? Children have many needs. They are young and tender and need comfort and validation. They cannot deal with adult problems. When a child comes to a dysfunctional needy parent for comfort she can’t get succor. Why? The parent may be so needy or emotionally invested in her own problems that she is not emotionally “there” for her child. The parent says (by actions, not words), “How can you come to me with your little inconsequential problems, when I am hurting so terribly? I need you to comfort me!” Thus the parent/child roles are reversed because the child must take care of the needy (selfish) parent. A child's basic needs go unfulfilled... What harm is done? The basic needs of a child so used (abused) are never met. She comes to believe that her needs are not important, but other people’s needs are. She can even come to believe that there is something wrong with her because she has needs and feelings. Ashamed to be needy, the child often “stuffs” her own feelings and needs. She refuses to feel; she goes numb and denies her own emotional needs. She becomes codependent and trained to take care of others. The child takes into her adulthood her own unmet needs to be loved and treasured. It can become very difficult for her to develop intimate and fulfilling relationships. She will also be a high risk candidate to work the same dysfunction on her own children. “Needy” parents need help, perhaps professional help. Work out your own marital and emotional problems and leave your children out of them. Don’t let your children be a party to your own dysfunction. Allow them their innocent lives; be there for them and solve your problems somewhere else. A child is innocent and without defense against this terrible boundary intrusion by parents who should be loving and protecting them. But unfortunately, parents in pain are not thinking about the needs of the child. They are needy themselves and are still trying to get their own childhood needs met. Therefore, they can’t meet the needs of their own children. Parent Trap #16: Holding Grudges UNFORGIVING: A frequently registered complaint of young people is that their parents HOLD GRUDGES against them and repeatedly bring up infractions long after they have taken place and the punishment has been administered. Parents should administer discipline without anger or fault-finding, quickly and without fanfare; then forgive and forget! How can I eliminate grudges? Honestly, completely, forgive and...LET IT ALL GO! Forgive! Forget! And move on! Did you know that people who don’t forgive are stuck in the past? They hang on to the memory of old offenses and never release them. Unforgiveness imprisons us with criticism and unhappiness. Forgiveness frees us of our own angry and frustrated feelings. FORGIVING SETS US FREE!! When an incident is over, forgive honestly and completely, then forget and move on. Stop being an historian. Do not bring up anger from the past. Enjoy the child! Assume a positive and cheery mood and enjoy life with an optimistic anticipation. It is not fair to keep punishing the child after the consequences or punishments have been administered. It is impossible to enjoy the child if you keep a long list of all his offenses in your memory. If you do that, you are going to be an unhappy parent, and you will communicate constant disapproval, condemnation and judgment to your children and they will feel it! If we forgive, we can let go! Parent Trap #17: Favorite Child DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE? No one will admit it! If you do, you can’t hide it from your kids. Whatever the reasons for FAVORITISM it must stop! It is natural to look forward to being with the easy and “fun” children, and even to dread the unpleasant encounters with those strong-willed, rebellious, “hard” ones. Can mom hide the difference in her feelings? Can the child feel this difference? Remember: you cannot “NOT” communicate! Parents communicate their favoritism in well-disguised, subtle ways. Often we don’t even recognize we are engaging in favoritism or double standards. Are we spending more time with one child than another, being strict with one and tolerant with another, treating one child differently than the rest, or being upset with one child more than the others? Can't I enjoy my good children? Yes, but do not have a favorite because the unfavored children will sense it and feel rejected, unloved and not okay! A child feels personally responsible for being rejected. This leaves an indelible impression that can affect all future relationships. The child who is the most difficult and hardest to love and be patient with, is probably the one who needs it the most. He can be crying out for attention and love in inappropriate ways. Apparently, some attention is better than no attention at all. Even if it is negative and painful, it says, “I exist.” The more attention you give to desirable behavior, the more it will increase. The more times that undesirable behavior goes unrewarded, the weaker it gets. Unrewarded behavior is a waste of time and effort. Catch him doing good; look hard for the good, and reinforce it over and over. (Also, see chapter 5 on Behavior Modification.) Parent Trap #18: Not Using Rewards and Punishments Correctly If you are having behavioral problems in your home, there is a good chance you are using rewards and punishments incorrectly. Parents tend to starve good behavior and reward bad behavior. This is the opposite of what we want to do. Use the following examples and chart to better understand the four errors in this trap. ERROR 1 (BOX A: CLEAN ROOM) This is good behavior. We have a tendency to take good behavior for granted, to ignore it and fail to reward it. We should reward this behavior, not ignore it. ERROR 2 (BOX B: NO CLEAN ROOM) This is the absence of good behavior. We have a tendency to ignore it or else to nag and scold, thereby rewarding this nonbehavior with attention and failing to provide consequences or to punish as needed. ERROR 3 (BOX C: HITTING) This is bad behavior. We have a tendency to ignore or to nag and scold this behavior and thereby reward it with attention while failing to provide consequences and/or punishment as needed. ERROR 4 (BOX D: NOT HITTING) This is not doing bad behavior. We have a tendency to take this good behavior for granted, to ignore it and to fail to reward it. Reward this nonbehavior! MORE EXAMPLES: BOX A Cindy gets up on time, dresses and cleans her room before breakfast. To keep this behavior strong you need to “feed” it, reinforce it, and reward it. It would be a mistake to ignore (or not reinforce) her good behavior. At first it may be necessary to recognize the behavior with a comment, word of appreciation, gold star, or other rewarder. Later the reinforcement might be less often, but usually not totally stopped. When Cindy is older, having a neat room may be a reinforcer in itself, and having external reinforcement may no longer be needed. Observing Cindy’s behavior will be a clue as to when this is accomplished. If we ignore good behavior (the process of extinction) kids will say, “Why do it? What for? What reward is there?” BOX B Tom leaves behind a messy room each morning. The missing good behavior is obvious. You would like the bed made and the room picked up before school. Is he being rewarded for his noncompliance? Yes! What is the reward? He gets to sleep in longer, avoid the unpleasant task of work, is able to do something else, or he has feelings of power in disobeying mom. “I’ll do as I please; you can’t tell me what to do!” As long as the rewards for noncompliance are greater than the rewards for compliance, there will be no change in this nonbehavior. If painful consequences for Tom’s noncompliance are introduced they must significantly exceed in cost and value Tom’s rewards for noncompliance. In other words, the painful consequences must far outweigh the small benefits of noncompliance if we are going to change behavior. There is a punishing technique called “overcorrection”. What if it took more effort to correct the consequences of not making a bed than was saved by not making it in the first place? What if a child came home and found his bed gone and his clothing missing? What if it took a week to earn his bed back and cost him a “maid service” fee of $.25 to retrieve each article of clothing he had left laying around? (Also, see Chapter 5 on Behavior Modification.) BOX C Cindy hits her brother (and enjoys it). Not punishing allows this to be a rewarding behavior that will continue. A punishment can be giving something bad (spanking) or taking away something good (privileges or money). Alternative behaviors (getting along with brother) should be shaped and reinforced. It is harmful to encourage crime by using inconsequential punishments, or none at all. If a speeding ticket cost only two dollars, none of us would have any fear of the highway patrol or getting caught for speeding. If we were in a hurry, we would speed because we would have little to lose. BOX D Tom does not hit his brother. Make sure you reward this nonparticipation in bad behavior. Let Tom know that he has demonstrated responsible behavior and is trustworthy, and therefore has been granted many privileges that would have been denied him had he not been trustworthy. (Also, see Chapter 5 on Behavior Modification.)
EXCESSIVE PUNISHMENT is simply a poor substitute for a positive parenting program. The need for frequent punishment is largely reduced by avoiding bad behavior through proper rewarding of good behavior. Generally the more punishment you use, the less effective it is . Excessive punishment can become a negative driver and infuse the home with a negative spirit. Fear, anger, resentment and violence then drive your children rather than positive motivation. Strive for 99% positive rewarding and reinforcing and only 1% correction and punishment. Does punishment work? YES! There can be absolutely no question that punishment is sometimes necessary and works very well when properly used. It always has been and always will be (when used correctly) an effective way of modifying behavior. Punishment is not to be applied in a vengeful, hateful manner or when a person is raging because that is abusive. Punishment should be administered with love and respect. If punishment is used in a disrespectful, authoritarian, belittling, angry or hostile way, it can cause resentment, revenge, rebellion, rejection or alienation. These are reactions to the methods and attitudes; not to the punishment. Parents sometimes resort to punishment for revenge or to win a power struggle. Research shows that: 1. Punishment, skillfully used can (in some cases) modify behavior faster, with longer lasting results than rewards. 2. Punishment can be a strong deterrent to poor or bad behavior and often works when natural and/or logical consequences and rewards fail. 3. Punishment can strengthen the bonds between the punished and the punisher: “I love you enough to do what is best for you, even if you don’t like me for it!” 4. Mild or inconsequential punishment has little effect on behavior. We try to influence children by allowing choices and consequences with many rewards for desirable behavior. But when the occasion requires it, punishment, quickly, lovingly and appropriately administered can be extremely effective. It is important that on the few occasions when punishment is truly necessary, that an extra portion of love and tenderness be shown after it is administered so that the punishment is associated with love and justice and not anger or abuse. It is wise to give appropriate attention and love at other times too, so that a child does not feel required to disobey so that he can be loved after being punished. Do you ever let crime pay? Are your punishments a joke? Ray, a twelve-year-old boy, steals a dollar out of his mother’s purse every morning for a month and on the thirtieth day she catches him and gives him a lecture. In her eyes this is a punishment. She makes him put the dollar back and say, “I’m sorry and I won’t ever do it again.” What has the boy learned? Has he has learned that crime pays? What were the consequences of getting caught? No loss to him at all: thirty attempts, twenty nine rewards, and one failure. Twenty-nine dollars to endure a five-minute lecture; not bad at all! Whining, begging, arguing and having tantrums are very successful behaviors if children continue to get what they want from those actions. Punishments must significantly outweigh any possible advantages that misbehavior brings or it is ineffective in modifying behavior. In the above example, if mother had confiscated Ray’s bicycle and sold it for $100 as a punishment, he would probably think twice before he got in her purse again. Use your imagination and “don’t ever let crime pay” in your home. Parent Trap #20: Nagging Parents NAG because children do not do what they should do. Why? Because the home often does not reward them for doing what they should do. Therefore, the parents try to make up for their failure to organize an effective rewarding system by talking, reminding, begging, pleading and scolding. Nagging is the groanings of the helpless and the desperate. Anger and threats are all part of the useless verbal arsenal that parents employ. Nagging is another sister to criticism. Does nagging change behavior? NO, nagging does not change behavior! Not only is it totally ineffective, it is actually harmful. It irritates everybody and the parent just feels more helpless. As infuriating as nagging is to the child, it can serve as a method to allow the parent to emotionally dump their frustrations on the child. The child actually becomes the scapegoat for the emotional garbage the parent is carrying around. The nagging trap, like other traps, sets up a negative emotional relationship between the parent and the child. How can I stop nagging? LET IT GO! Let the natural consequences teach the lesson when it is appropriate. Stop rescuing! Precipitate a crisis by not reminding. Let the toy stay outside in the rain or get chewed up by the dog; let them get an “F” on their paper. Nagging is a poor substitute for knowing what you are doing. Nagging is proof of the lack of structure and follow through in the home. The only people who “need” to nag are those individuals who have not taken the time to environmentally engineer their home so that the children are rewarded for correct behavior and punished (or not rewarded) for bad behavior. Stop nagging and ACT! Parent Trap #21: Bait Phrases When you go fishing, you “BAIT” your hook don’t you!?!! How many fish will you catch without some bait, or tempting lure? None! Kids too, get you to “bite” on their baited hooks by making some ridiculous statement that you just can not resist, or that you feel obligated to correct or argue about. It’s also called, “PUNCHING YOUR BUTTONS!” BAIT PHRASES are manipulating statements children use to force parents into a trap. A small sampling follows: “You don’t love me unless...(you let me go, or do, etc.).” “You don’t trust me unless...(you let me go, or do, etc.).” “All the other mothers let their kids...(go, see or do etc.).” “That’s not fair! You let her...(go, see, or do etc.).” “You didn’t tell me...(to, or not to, etc.).” “I hate you because...” “I’m running away unless...” “It’s my life and I’ll do what I want, so get off my back!” If you do not understand what your child is trying to do, you will take the bait and be put on the defensive trying to prove the bait phrases are untrue. If you think the child really believes that you don’t love them you can be grossly manipulated and blackmailed. (Also, see NOTE #10, page 63.)
Splitting Psychologists tell us that little children “split”. They cannot understand that daddy can be angry and love them too, because a young child cannot mentally hold and evaluate two concepts at the same time. So, if dad usually comes across as angry, they assume he is only angry and that he has no love for them. Therefore, they split off the “loving” dad while retaining the “angry” dad. They further conclude that since dad is angry at them, there must be something wrong with them. This has a negative impact on the child’s self-esteem, usually for life! NOTE #2 - Rage Rage is a mood-altering experience; it allows the rager to change his mood. He vents his anger and frustration, thereby unloading his pain and anxiety on innocent others. Some psychologists have said that all rage is the result of feeling unaccepted; certainly that is often true. Raging discounts others, making them feel rejected and worthless. All anger and rage should be eliminated when administering consequences to a child. Although some people are fooled into believing that raging works, it is actually action, or the threat thereof, that is motivating to children. RAGE is INEXCUSABLE in the home; it DESTROYS! Rage is an addiction that must be dealt with! Although raging seems to work for the rageaholic, like any addiction, it destroys the rager, those around him, and all healthy relationships. Rage frightens and intimidates the fearful individual who complies, which is rewarding to the rager. Like the alcoholic family with its codependents and enablers, the rager/victim games continue until the addiction is dealt with. NOTE #3 - Control Some have said you cannot win a power struggle. If you “win” you teach that you win through power and control; if you lose, the inmates take over the asylum! If you must always “win”, you make your children the “losers”. Our control should decrease as a child gets older, while at the same time our influence should grow. We control little babies, but can only love, support and influence older children. We influence by role modeling, constructing an environment of consequation, and by loving and supporting. OVERCONTROLLING, POWER STRUGGLES AND UNJUSTIFIED COERCIVE ACTIONS BY CONCERNED PARENTS: 1. Rob children of their freedom to choose; to exercise moral agency. 2. Deny children the opportunity to gain valuable consequential experience from mistakes they could make. 3. Take responsibility for the children’s own lives away from them. 4. Set up a contentious power struggle and tempt children to rebel. 5. Cause the family to focus on power and on who is going to run the child’s life, drawing focus away from the child’s responsibility for his own personal education, health, safety, future, etc. These attitudes lay the foundation for a great power struggle between the parent and the child. The issue raises these questions: Who is responsible to see the child is taught what is right? (Parents) Who has the right to make the child’s life decisions? (Child) Who is going to make life’s choices for the child? (Child) Then, who is responsible to see the child does what is right? (Child) Why is a power struggle so devastating in a home? Besides the obvious fact that it introduces an ugly spirit of contention, criticism, coercion, punishment, anger and rebellion in the home, there is another terrible consequence. This battle often becomes such an issue that the child’s decisions are often based on not doing what parents want, or in deliberately doing what parents don’t want, just to make the point that he/she can’t be controlled. Unfortunately many of these decisions are not based on what the child thinks is best for himself, but what will win the power struggle for him. This catches the child in the trap of rejecting what is best for him just because the parents are for it. When the right to choose becomes the issue in the child’s mind, he/she (just to spite parents) often rejects the good and chooses the bad. Whose right is it to choose for oneself? Who will choose? Who wins? Who must eventually “lose”?
Children who are rescued from consequences are sheltered from the world of reality. They step into the Time Warp. As time passes they age, but their development stops or is slowed significantly. Until they come out of the shelter (Time Warp) they get further and further behind their age group, carrying their coping skill deficits into each new age level. Rescuing sets up the problem of the Time Warp. At each age level, from birth on, children have the opportunity to face and cope with age appropriate problems. As the years go by and they struggle with ever increasingly difficult problems, they develop new and more advanced coping skills. Growth and progress are absolutely dependent upon this process. When parents step in and solve the problems the child should be dealing with, or rescue the child from the unhappy consequences of their irresponsible decisions, they rob the child of valuable experience. Children who are not required to deal with age appropriate difficulties can enter a Time Warp thereby growing older without “growing up”.
When we feel we must be perfect to be accepted (fully realizing that we are not) we hesitate to open up, or to be intimate with others, for fear that they might reject us. Perfectionists have a difficult time with bonding and intimacy. Perfectionism or unrealistic expectations that can never be met assure dissatisfaction, disappointment and feelings of inadequacy. Perfectionists have been trained to refuse to take credit for what they can do, and not to enjoy the successes that they do have because they weren’t perfect, or could have been better. If I cannot be happy unless I’m perfect, then I’ll never be happy in life because perfection is far beyond mortal capacity. Some perfectionists must always “be right”, and if they’re not, they always “clean it up” so at least they look perfect. They act like they have no faults because they are shamed and must cover up what they believe is unacceptable and shameful in themselves. When parents act shameless (perfect) their children feel flawed and shamed by comparison because of their own faults and inadequacies. Thus the children become shamed because of parents who must appear perfect and shameless for their own sakes. In this way shame and perfectionism pass from one generation to the next. We must realize that it is acceptable to be imperfect! We make many mistakes and it is all right. Our children need to see us deal with our imperfection. We should not be not ashamed of being human (imperfect). Our own honesty about our fallibility will allow them to deal with, and admit their own imperfections. Have the courage to be imperfect! Give up the pretense of trying to have the perfect family. The perfect family does not exist; everyone has family relationship problems. Admit your problems and move on. A realistic goal is improvement or progress, not perfection! NOTE #6 - Criticism When I blame or criticize you I’m saying, “You are at fault and you must change, not me! I’m OK!” I am playing the “blame game”. Blamers often criticize to feel superior or to control others. They prefer to take the focus off themselves and their faults by focusing on the failings and shortcomings of others. Therefore, they redirect the critical focus onto others; they sacrifice others to save themselves! The challenge to eliminate all criticism from their homes was given to a group of 500 parents attending a seminar. When the group met again the following week some parents reported that they had not been able to stop, no matter how hard they tried! They were addicted! These parents were frustrated by their children, and criticizing released their pent up frustrations. Some found they could not even get out of the parking lot after the seminar without criticizing! One lady reported that when she stopped criticizing her children that she had nothing left to say to them! Count and record your positive and negative comments to your children and you will probably be shocked! What is the ratio of positive to negative comments you make to your spouse and children each day? Researchers have actually counted and recorded these responses and found that in many homes almost all the dialogue between parents and children is critical and negative! For the most part every single supportive and praising comment was destroyed by 25 or more negative, critical communications, even though the children were good most of the time. It takes 10-20 positive comments to overcome just one hurtful criticism. Want to eliminate criticism? We can totally eliminate criticism in our homes if we want to. Start off each morning with 50 $1.00 bills in your shirt pocket and start handing them out each time you criticize a family member! Have others tell you when they feel criticized, put down, or discounted. Who is the judge of whether it was a “criticism” or not? If a person decides he “felt” criticized or put down, the criticizer pays! “I felt put down or criticized!” is the irrefutable, unchallengeable statement that results in payoff. If you deny it, frown, or challenge the demand, the fee is automatically doubled for criticizing the demand! Just pay up immediately without negative comments or expressions of any kind. Honestly smile and say, “I’m sorry! That was unkind; thank you for helping me do better. Here, please accept this little token of my sincerity!” Then hand them a dollar bill and tell them how much you love them... and how wonderful they are. If you stay with this program, and it costs you $500 (or $5,000) wouldn’t it be worth it to completely eliminate criticism from your life? Try it! If you aren’t “cured” in a couple of weeks just raise the amount paid for each offense. Raise it to $2.00 starting the third week, then up to $3.00 on the fourth, and then $5.00 per criticism by the fifth week! Oh, yes! You can stop criticism! You’ll soon discover you just can’t afford criticism in your home anymore! You can stop criticism if you really want to! Anyone can! NOTE #7 - Inconsistency When parents are inconsistent a child never knows what to expect because his environment is unpredictable and confusing. If a child is punished every time for a certain behavior, it makes sense to him. To be punished sometimes and to get away with it at other times is confusing. Inconsistent discipline, love, and rules bewilder the child. He cannot figure out the world he lives in. Studies show that inconsistency in the home can be very damaging and traumatic to the child because they can never feel secure and safe in an environment they don’t understand. It’s easier for a child to adjust to a strict home, or to a permissive home, than to try to adapt to a home that vacillates between the two extremes. Inconsistency in home discipline also reinforces disobedience. If a parent punishes at times for not making the bed, but does not punish at other times, the child is reinforced for not making the bed. How can you start being consistent? Decide on a short list of desirable behaviors. Choose one or two for immediate attention. Describe the desired behavior to the child along with consequences. Spend time tracking this behavior, applying the reward or punishment every time. The change will be dramatic. (Also, see Chapter 5 on Behavior Modification.)
Never, NEVER, NEVER renegotiate consequences! Once you have said something, you must follow through. Once you’ve trained them to know that you won’t lie, and that if they don’t perform they will lose their privileges, behavior will improve because they know that the consequences will absolutely come to pass. Remember, don’t make promises or threats that you are not willing to back up. Let your word always be the truth. Make an issue of truth. The children will see that model and they will incorporate it. This is a foundational block for integrity. Dad: Sorry, guys, I gave you a choice and I have to respect your decision. Boys: But we didn’t decide! Dad: Yes you did. By not doing your yard work, you chose not to go on the trip. It was your decision, and these are the results. (At this point they will probably promise to do anything!) Boys: But dad...! Dad: No buts about it fellas. I never lie! I said IF the work was done you could go. Is the work done? No! Therefore, you cannot go. Please, don’t complain to me about the consequences of your decisions! NOTE #9 - Conditional Love Using love to control a child puts him in an awful position. The child must either be a pleaser or rebel at the risk of losing his parents’ love. If he chooses to be a pleaser to gain the love he needs, he empowers his parents to control his life. Giving up your own life in order to please your parents for love is a form of prostitution. Conditional love teaches our children to sell themselves out; to give up their true personal feelings and thoughts (their reality) for acceptance and love. It sets them up to be highly influenced by peers. They do not learn to be themselves or to have their own values. We need to teach our children not to sell themselves out at any price. We teach this by learning to give love in such a way that the child perceives it as unconditional love, feels accepted for the very person he is, and knows that his performance is not responsible for mom or dad’s happiness. Unconditional love allows the child to be valued for his unique self. Regardless of how much he produces, how smart he is, or what church he attends, the child needs to feel accepted and loved.
1. “You don’t love me unless...you let me go or do or see...whatever.” The child is trying to put you in the position of having to prove that you love him/her by doing whatever he/she wants. This is so obvious that it is surprising how many parents actually get sucked in by it. The more unsure parents are of themselves, the more likely they are to fall for this. You do not have to prove your love to your child. A parent might reason back with the child, “Susan, this issue has nothing to do with love and that’s a pretty cheap shot. This issue has to do with your maturity level and several other factors. If you have some reasonable comments on the subject, please put them on the family council agenda and we’ll discuss them Friday. I might advise you to come prepared with some solutions to the problems you raise and not just complaints or unreasonable requests.” This is an adult-to-adult communication and not a parent-to-child communication. (Also, see Chapter 2 on Communication.) 2. “You don’t trust me unless you...let me go, do, see or....whatever.” This child’s assumptions are that, A) trust should be given automatically by the parent and, B) that the parent has to prove that she trusts the child. This is ridiculous! The parent needs to differentiate between love and trust. The parent reaffirms the love for the child and then says something like, “This trust issue is an entirely different matter than my love for you. I love you whether I trust you or not.” Children have to understand that for trust to be present there are at least three things necessary. First, integrity, which must be proven through behavior over time. This is a moral issue. Second, to trust further, there must be life’s experiences which make a person wise and capable enough to handle all potential situations. This is the experience issue. Finally, a parent must believe that the situation is safe and that, within reasonable limits, the child will be protected. Part of the trust equation includes additional factors, such as, friends, the activity and the place. In other words, there are moral issues, experience issues, and situational issues involved in “trust”. (Also, see Chapter 6 pages 226-229, 239, and 251-252.) 3. “All the other mothers let their kids...go, see or do....whatever.” This child’s objective is to get you to give in. A response might be, “That’s OK. Other parents must make judgments for their own families; that’s their right. Other parents are not responsible for this home, however. And, it is none of my business how they raise their children. I love you, that is my decision, and this is how it will be.” 4. “That’s not fair; you let her...go, see, or do...whatever.” You might answer in a kindly manner by saying, “Fair? I’m not into fair! I’m into earning and deserving. Is it fair in life for some people to be rich and some to be poor? The world is not fair. Where did you get the idea that things should be (or are) fair? Some people are healthy and some people are crippled in life. Is that fair? You do your work and you earn and get privileges, you don’t do your work and you don’t earn or get privileges. That is fair!” 5. “You didn’t tell me...to go, see, do, or not...whatever.” This defense comes from a child who, when caught doing something wrong, assumes that the parent has the responsibility to tell them everything. The child needs to be taught to look before he leaps. He must consider the consequences, for he is held accountable for every action that he takes, even the first time! If he makes a mistake, he is going to have to pay for it. “Son, you are fully responsible for what you do. If you do something that has awful consequences, you will suffer them. So before you do something, think it out carefully and if there is any doubt at all, check it out with us.” When a child says, “Well, you didn’t tell me!” a good response is, “Well, you didn’t ask me!” Fix the responsibility where it should be...on him, for his own actions! 6. “I hate you!” This is a very familiar comment to many parents. What it means is, “I hate you unless, or because...” This is a power play to brow beat mom and dad into relenting and letting the child have his own way. It’s not wise to disagree with his statement of hate by saying, “Oh, no, you don’t hate me.” At this moment in time the child might really believe he does hate you, so don’t discount this feeling. Use “Nevertheless, even if you really do hate me, you’re not going to stay out over night.” Often a child makes this “I hate you!” statement when the situation is emotionally charged due to a debate over getting permission to do something. It is the parent’s responsibility to be firm, yet kind, and to defuse these situations as early and as often as possible. 7. “I’m running away! I hate it here!” That means, “I’m running away unless you relent and give in to my demands.” It is true that unless you are ready to build a cage to keep your child in, you cannot stop him from running away. Sometimes a child runs away from what we would consider a good home. They stay away as long as they get what they want. Some neighbors and friends are naive enough to believe anything the “running” child says, and delight in the fact that other parents are having troubles and can’t “control” their kids. Although you can’t always stop a child from running away, if they are under age and if you feel it is best that they come home, report it at once to the police. Do not compromise your principles. There should be some nonnegotiables, but they should be few. A parent and child should not fight over a hairstyle or even clothing to the point that a child would run away over it. 8. “It’s my life, and I’ll do what I want, so get off my back!” “Yes, it is your life son, and you can make of it what you will. However, this is our family, our home, and these are our nonnegotiables.” Most of the nonnegotiables are boundaries concerning the use of alcohol and drugs, physical violence, crime, and sex. Parents have a right to preside in their own home and set reasonable limits on the behavior of those who live there. They do a child a great disservice to tolerate any illegal activities in the home. It is wrong to force and demand that your children believe what you believe or value what you value. The child who says, “It’s my life!” speaks the truth. You can teach, influence, love and persuade, but forcing is forever wrong. In raising children you go from control to influence. On the other hand, no one has a right to invade your home and introduce destructive behavior to younger children, etc. This includes strangers off the street obviously, but it also includes relatives. Being one of your own children gives a child no license to disrespect your rights and boundaries and bring illegal substances or destructive practices into your home. You have the right and responsibility to protect yourself, your home and your other children from such influences as drugs, alcohol and violence.
“The Lord gave unto his servants seed to plant in his fields. Each received according to the will and wisdom of the Lord. ‘What manner of seeds are these?’ asked the servants. ‘That is not for you to know at this time, but I know what kinds of seeds they are. Plant them, water them, fertilize them, weed them and protect them from predators, and you will discover for yourselves what kinds of seeds these are.’ “The faithful servants went forth and planted the seeds, and began to tend the fields according to their desires and skills. They labored diligently and brought forth beautiful vegetables and flowers, but to their great disappointment there were certain weeds and thorny plants that sprang up and tormented their hearts. These servants cried unto the Lord, ‘However faithfully we labor, we cannot get the thorny plants to produce good fruit. Why have you given us noxious weeds and thorny bushes amongst our fruitful plants, to take away our joy?’ “And the Lord answered, ‘This is wisdom in me. Tend to them and labor with them, for it is not the same season for all seed, and in their maturity some thorny bushes produce a blossom of the most desirable fragrance and delicious fruit, notwithstanding the bitter season. Call no seed evil, for I, the Lord of the fields, have judged all my seed worthy of life. Do not be downcast, for power is not given you to change the nature of any seed. You did not create the seed. You are only able to help the seed become what it is!’ “The unfaithful servants planted their seeds. They did not water well, but the Lord rained upon the land and the seeds sprouted and survived. The unfaithful servants did not fertilize, but the Lord provided sufficient nourishment from the earth. Nor did the unfaithful servants weed their fields, so that weeds grew up in great abundance and tried to choke out the good seeds. The good seeds were much afflicted because of the neglect of the unfaithful servants; but they struggled and survived, and even in the fields of the unfaithful servants nature prevailed! Vegetable seed became vegetable; the fruit seed sprouted and bore fruit, each after its kind; and the seed of the thorny bushes and noxious weeds sprouted, each after its kind. And some of the thorny bushes, in time, bore delicious fruit even as the Lord had said. “Then in the harvest the faithful servants were blessed, and honored, and had great joy; but the unfaithful servants received no more seed, forever!” by James J. Jones Chapter 2 13 Correct
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