"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

What if my child does

not want to obey?

Susan doesn’t care about a clean room and won’t keep it clean unless dad threatens to spank her. When mom and dad institute the Token Economy Susan “complies” to earn money (and is thought of as obedient) but she would not comply without external inducements. (Also, see Chapter 6 on the Token Economy)

Force and coercion can never produce a virtuous person. Coercion used in an effort to gain compliance, even to virtuous principles, will only offend the person being forced. The child's tendency will be to fight for his freedom and in the process he will reject both you and your principles. He will “throw the baby out with the bath water”. It is our nature to resist force. Therefore, when virtue is forced upon us, we usually reject it however desirable it might be. Some individuals love and choose virtue all their lives. Other children, although taught the same noble principles as their brothers and sisters, reject virtue and become liars, selfish and dishonorable. We are creatures that have the power to choose what we want regardless of what is right or what we have been taught. Good teachings and virtuous examples by parents are influential but cannot prevent a child from choosing the filthy things of the world, if that is what he/she wants.

How do I achieve

voluntary obedience?

Obedience is achieved when a child is taught virtuous principles by parental modeling, and then voluntarily accepts those principles for his own. Obedient behavior is manifest when a child internalizes or personalizes the correct principles taught in his home. Obedience or disobedience is the choice of the child after he understands what he has been taught.

Through environmental consequences, we train children to understand that their decisions have good and bad consequences. The rules in our homes should be based upon correct principles. The child will then see that these rules and precautions are not just arbitrary, but that they have a wise purpose. In this way we develop young people who have a respect for the law. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 95 and Chapter 6 on Token Economy.)

Correct Principle #10:

Individual Value

LIFE IS OF THE GREATEST VALUE! The life of each individual is sacred. Individually we certainly are not the same, but this does not mean that one of us is more valuable than another. We are all of equal value. The little child, the rebellious five-year old and the teenager are all to be valued. Equality in the home has to do with personal value. We are certainly not equal in what we can produce, how fast we run, how smart we are, how much money we make, or how fast we can clean the house. However, we are equal in value as living human beings and therefore we are each due an equal amount of respect and dignity. Some of man’s great needs are to be loved unconditionally, recognized, approved of, treasured and valued. Happy and joyful is the child who feels so cherished.

How do I convey individual value?

All parents need to prioritize what is important in their lives and then spend their time and resources on what is most important. If we are not spending our time with our children then they are not important to us. It is a cold hard fact that we spend our time, money, and our lives on those things which we value most. The items which are not given much attention obviously are not as important. It carries a devastating message to a child if you do not care to spend time with her, to be concerned about her, or to be interested in her life. Children need attention. They need to know that their parents love them. They need to feel that they are important, valuable, and cherished by their parents. If you love a child, you care enough to discipline them; but to ignore them or not to discipline them says, “I don’t care at all!”

What is mirroring?

Children feel value based on the way parents treat them. A child looks into her parent’s face to see what the parent thinks of her. The parent mirrors back to the child his/her image of her. Through the mirroring process, or the reflections in the parents’ eyes, the child can see how valuable she really is. Thus she picks up her personal value and self-image from what she feels others think of her as seen by what is mirrored in her parents’ faces. In this way mirroring is very much a literal term. (Also, see NOTE #9, page 96.)

Correct Principle #11:

Unconditional Acceptance

Accept your children NOW for who they are. Give up your unrealistic expectations of what your children are supposed to be (in your eyes) and accept them unconditionally. Unrealistic expectations are sensed and they make children feel that they don’t measure up, or they conclude that they aren’t good enough. Of course your child could do better in school, he shouldn’t be so mean to his sister, and he should tell the truth and keep his room clean! What’s the matter with him? He argues and doesn’t want to help around the house, etc. Sound familiar?

Well, he is fourteen years old and that is who he is, where he is at, and what he thinks and feels right now. You have a choice; you can complain and fight it, or you can accept him right now for who he is, where he is, and just love him. Accept him for the undeveloped, mixed up, goofy teenager he is...and enjoy him now. See the good and focus on it. People are different; we have different moral values, preferences, tastes, interests. Accept your kid, he’s okay, even if he cannot see the world through your eyes. Accept him, even if he rejects your most sacred values. Your love and acceptance must transcend all differences. They must not be conditional or they are counterfeit and shams. Conditional love and acceptance are not love and acceptance at all, but a cruel game of power to manipulate others while tempting them with the promise of love and acceptance if they do (think, feel, believe, etc.) what we want.

Must I "Accept" all that they do?

NO! Unconditional acceptance of the child is not unconditional approval of everything that he does! Nor is my loving acceptance contingent upon his moral views or values. I accept the fact that he is a human being with a freedom of choice. We both have rights to set our own moral standard and priorities in life. We have personal interests and preferences. We both have a right to our own boundaries and to protect ourselves and what we feel and believe. He may not approve of what I believe or I may not approve of what he does, but we do not focus on our differences. We focus on our relationship. Listen to the words of one father about his relationship with a “wayward” son who has chosen a very questionable lifestyle of partying and drugs.

My son was taught moral values since he was a child. He knows what I believe, but he doesn’t feel the same way that I do about life. Therefore he knows that I certainly wouldn’t approve of his lifestyle, but my son does not owe it to me to live a life that pleases me. I have no more right to tell him what he must think and believe than he has to tell me what I must think and believe. I fully accept the fact that we are both free to pursue our own lives and to be loved and accepted by each other based solely on our transcending love as father and son. I do not let the differences in beliefs and values deprive me of a healthy father/son relationship, which we both need and enjoy. When we get together I can fully accept and love him although we are very different. I have let go of my unrealistic expectations and really enjoy him for the unique person that he is. Yes, I worry about him, and want what I feel is a better life for him, but whether he ever changes or not, I will always love him for himself. He is my son, and I am his father, and that will never change.

What if I can't stand him?

Everyone has some virtue. Focus on the good! Don’t focus on what you can’t stand. There might be 50% of the way he is that you accept and love and 50% that you can’t stand; don’t focus on the 50% you can’t stand. Accept him for who and where he is; and try not to let the differences stand in the way. Have reasonable boundaries so that you are not offensive to each other. Also realize that your children have not had the years of experience that you have had. (Also, see NOTE #10, page 97.)

Correct Principle #12: Human Needs

In this case we define a need as the lack of something that is required to maintain normal health and balance and without which dysfunction will occur. It’s obvious to everyone that the human body, in order to survive, has a need for oxygen, water, food, clothing, and shelter. A person has physical, psychological, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. For our purpose here we are going to focus on two. There are many needs (not as obvious as the physical needs of the body) which are essential for good emotional health.

What are these two needs?

The two great human needs: the need to “belong” and the need to “be free”.

The need to belong. In order to belong we need intimacy and bonding. For intimacy and bonding to exist there must be trust. The home must be a place of trust, cherishing, order and peace. We need to belong, to be connected, to be involved with other people, and to be approved of.

The need to be free. To be free we must have options; the power to choose for ourselves. Freedom is not being required to repeat what parents say, think or feel. Making our own choices makes us accountable and responsible for the consequences in our own lives. Freedom is the power to choose what we want, to say what we feel is true, to become what we want to become, to believe, think, do and value as we choose and not what is expected or demanded of us. We all want to sing our own song.

You might notice a paradox in these two needs. They may seem like contradictions: the need to belong and the need to be free, or the need to be connected and the need to be unconnected. There must be a balance between the two needs. The need to belong may be too strong and cause a person to be overly involved with others, or ‘enmeshed’. The need for freedom may also cause distancing from others causing isolation and no opportunity for belonging.

Why is this so important?

Understanding this concept of needing love and freedom is empowering. Behavior can be very dysfunctional when a person is trying to compensate for unmet needs. However, when we understand what our needs are and we are able to satisfy them, the healing process begins. We become healthy when our basic needs of love and freedom are met. These two needs are powerful driving forces and greatly determine how we live our lives.

We note the confused teenager when he expects and wants the provisions, shelter, love, and safety of the home (belonging) while at the same time he is fighting tooth and nail (freedom) to resist the restraints imposed by his parents. He needs to belong and to be free at the same time. This great paradox is a factor in all human relationships. Emotional health is a matter of balance between connecting and unconnecting. When we are balanced, our stress and anxiety are reduced to lower and tolerable levels (the needs to belong and to be free are satisfied). (Also, see NOTE #11, page 98.)

Correct Principle #13:

Parental Responsibility

Parents should realize that their family must take priority over everything else. People are more important than things. Husbands and fathers must understand that wives and children are more important than business, recre­ ation, fame, or whatever else they might value. When all is said and done, the family is all we have. We therefore need to make every effort to put wife, children and family where they rightfully belong in our lives...as number one!

What are the 5 parental responsibilities?

Parents have five very specific areas of responsibility:

1. To LOVE the child unconditionally. The child should be loved regardless of performance.

2. To PROTECT the child emotionally. The child should also be protected physically, spiritually and psychologically. This does not mean however, that you protect the child from the normal, everyday consequence of his own irresponsible behavior. Obviously, a child must be rescued IMMEDIATELY if he/she is in harm’s way, and life and limb are at risk!

3. To PRESIDE in the home. Parents have the duty and the right to preside in their own home. They have this right because it is their home and it is their family. They preside by right of their capability, experience and knowledge about the world.

4. To MODEL high moral virtues. Parents are supposed to model what they are teaching. They should already be striving to be the kind of people they want their children to become.

5. To PREPARE the child to thrive in a competitive world. A child that is well prepared will more successfully cope with the future. This means that parents must create an environment of great opportunity in which the child can work, learn and develop.

Parents who fail in these responsibilities are dysfunctional themselves; they create dysfunctional homes which produce dysfunctional children. These children, in turn, feel comfortable selecting dysfunctional marriage companions, creating dysfunctional homes and raising more dysfunctional children; and so on it goes until someone breaks the cycle. (Also, see NOTE #12, page 101.)

Appendix to Chapter 2

NOTE #1 - Unconditional Love

Our children need to know that although we are pained by their foolishness, nothing they do can affect our love for them. A child's performance, compliance, agreement, and production have no part in the love formula. If we are not careful, a child may hear, “You are loved only when you please or perform well.” When kids are rewarded with great approval for superior performance (making a home run, the honor roll, etc.) and generally ignored or criticized when they do poorly, they come to believe they are only loved when they please their parents and make them proud of them. “I am loved to the degree that I contribute, perform or please.” When a child comes to believe this, he gives up some power to control his life to others, including parents and peers. He will perform according to their desires in order to be accepted by them.

Without genuine love, we do not fully develop. Our lives become dysfunctional as we seek in devious ways to gain the approval of others and to feel love and acceptance. Unconditional love provides a safe environment for mistakes. We must ask ourselves what we emphasize in our homes. Is it unconditional love and acceptance; or do we focus on criticism, manipulation and withholding our love until others comply or produce? What comes through when we yell at our kids for coming home drunk or high on drugs? We are probably screaming because we love them and their actions have just terrified us half to death. But, when we are yelling and scolding, is our love for them, and our true concern getting through? What are we communicating? Think about it; the answer is very revealing.

NOTE #2 - Freedom to Choose

Most parents have a hard time giving their children freedom. They know that the children will make mistakes and that means pain. Because the parent loves the child, the parent also feels pain as he sees the child suffer. When parents try to force their values upon their children, the children often rebel against the coercion, and reject the values as well. Parents need to carefully and diligently explain their values to their children and model what they believe, how they feel and what they think. Parents should not demand that their children think, believe, act or value what the parents do. As a child grows, parents have less control but they can gain more influence through correct and loving examples.

Regarding their own personal choices and value systems, parents need to say: “This is who we are, what we believe, how we feel, what we do, and what we value. Now, child, you have your freedom to evaluate what you see and to discern for yourself what you believe is correct or best for you. You must decide what your values will be. You have the choice to be you, to feel your feelings, to think, believe and act the way you choose for yourself. We will give you lots of advice. You must evaluate that advice and then decide. Now, you are free to choose, but remember, there will always be consequences for your actions, either pleasant or unpleasant, and either now or later. You will therefore answer for what you do. We are here to help, but the freedom to choose, and to ultimately experience the consequences which will follow, is all yours!”

The responsibility to model how to use freedom rests upon the parents. You need to set a good example. Acknowledge the child’s freedom, but put the responsibility for their lives on them. Give up the fantasy that you can “control” another human being. You can only “influence” other human beings; and that is most effectively accomplished by using love, gentleness, kindness and a good example.

NOTE #3 - Accountability

Irresponsibility develops from not being held accountable for poor choices. We need consequences to make sure we are accountable for our choices. (Also, see Correct Principle #4, page 75.) When a child is held accountable and responsible for his actions, it is not because the parents are angry or mean; it is because we live in a world of cause and effect, a world of consequation, and parents must convey that message.

When irresponsible or even innocent behavior results in painful consequences, the principle of restoration (restoring that which was lost or damaged) takes effect. When deliberate or malicious harm is done, not only does the principle of restoration take effect but so does the principle of punishment. When people are held accountable for their acts, whether those acts were intentional or unintentional, they become much more responsible and cautious about life. If we must painfully pay for our mistakes, we are much more careful not to make as many, or such costly ones.

NOTE #4 - Consequences

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, renegotiate consequences. Consistency is absolutely essential in training the child. Each time you fail to follow through or to be consistent you undermine the behavioral training process. Inconsistency destroys correct behavior and rewards bad behavior. Consequences become inconsequential without consistency. Consistency gives credibility and instills confidence and trust in you and in the system. Inconsistency causes damage and is dangerous to the development of the child. Consequences cannot be considered consequences in an inconsistent environment. They are seen only as arbitrary happenings and the child becomes totally confused.

A parent should make an earnest, consistent effort to teach and explain the rules and correct principles to the children and not to just impose them. Parents are much more successful if the child understands the system of consequences and accountability. When parents are inconsistent the children feel betrayed and confused. Inconsistency breeds disorder, frustration and rage. The child learns that he can never trust anybody. He can’t trust the situation, his parents, or himself.

Lastly, you can’t use natural consequences when the results of a child’s behavior (throwing rocks at other children) do not seem like a problem to the child, but is a problem to other people. If the natural consequence is not there, or is not appropriate, design and implement a logical consequence.

NOTE #5 - Work

Work is a great opportunity to have responsibility. Children need responsibility. They cannot develop into responsible people unless they have experience in accepting and handling responsibility. When children learn to work they appreciate their home and the things they have. Generally we find that children take much better care of things that they have purchased themselves with money that they have worked hard for.

A parent’s responsibility is not to provide an environment of abundance. Your responsibility as a parent is to see that the child learns correct principles about life. You provide an environment of opportunity to work and develop, not an opportunity to sit and be entertained. Some parents have the tragic idea that they should give their children everything they themselves didn’t have when they were kids. Being a good parent is not providing everything for the child.

Play and idleness are not happiness. By indulging our children we raise indolent, unhappy people and program them for failure in life. Have we raised a generation of Americans who want to be entertained; who spend their lives in front of a TV and require greater and greater stimuli to keep their attention? They say, “I’m bored!” These unhappy children have not even developed the skills to entertain themselves! They never savor the sweet taste of victory because they do not struggle.

People are happy because of how they feel about themselves and who they are (or are becoming), not because of what they have been given. If people, through work and struggle, have developed character, capability, integrity, and self-respect, they are happy. Put your kids to work and watch them grow! Work is the foundation of the “good life”. Work has provided everything that we enjoy in life. Work provides wealth and the capacity to give, and the great enjoyment giving brings. No one ever floated up stream! Character and virtue are not forged in the abundant life of the affluent and idle, but in the struggles, challenges, sacrifices and victories that come from hard work.

NOTE #6 - Contracts

The right to negotiate with contracts is based on the right of individual choice. It is the right that we have to negotiate for ourselves, to earn and to own property. It is based on trust and integrity. When contracts are a common occurrence in a home, trustworthiness becomes a very important factor. Children learn how important it is to honor their word and to be absolutely true in what they say and do. Contracts also teach children the principles of consequences and earning. Contracts teach them that the environment is predictable based upon the integrity, honesty and dependability of others. A society or a home would collapse if we could not depend on each other.

The earning principle is also connected with the right to contract. The contract in the Token Economy (also, see Chapter 6) specifies exactly what the person must do to earn money or to gain privileges. Contracts are mutual agreements with clearly defined terms. The use of contracts brings order to the home and allows the child to be motivated toward goals that he wishes to attain. It shows him exactly what he must do to reach those goals. He is taught to enter into a contract whereby he will perform certain duties, earn certain money, and then have the capacity to buy the object of his affection. Contracts should be entered into by each of the parties willingly and without duress or pressure.

Contracts bring order and peace into a home. However, there will inevitably be misunderstandings and disagreements in any family. When there is a problem go back and study the contract. What was the agreement? What were the terms? Did everybody do as they promised they would do? Was everybody responsible? This process will teach how to avoid weak contracts and misunderstandings in the future.

Sometimes there needs to be a penalty for nonperformance of a contract. The contract is not just that I agree to pay if you do something. It means that I’m counting on you to perform and do what you promise. It is that you agree to do it and I will pay you when you do it! All persons who enter into the contract expect the performance to be realized. Signing a contract does not mean that you will only honor the contract if you need the money. It means that you promise to do something, and that your word, your integrity is on the line!

Children learn to negotiate and keep their word in a contract. Entering into contracts and honoring our word builds character; especially when the going gets tough and unforeseen things happen. Children also learn to be careful, to look ahead, and not to enter into binding agreements lightly or carelessly.