"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by

NOTE #7 - Government

The only family government that is really feasible is one of voluntary compliance. This is true because we really cannot control other human beings. When parents recognize and acknowledge this fact, they will ask for cooperation instead of demanding compliance. Improper, coercive government in the home will cause the child to feel violated and resentful. Often these children begin to openly resist and fight the oppression. In an attempt to stop the rebellion and regain control, the parents resort to more power and more force. We then have the beginning of a terrible situation in the home.

Proper family government, administered by loving parents, recognizes and honors the freedom of each person to feel and believe what they want. You can’t stop these choices but you can employ consequences. Do not try to take away freedom of choice. Rather, try to engineer the proper environment. Improper choices should result in painful and undesirable consequences while proper choices and behavior should result in happy and joyful times. This is government by example, love and influence, not by authority and power. Improper use of authority and power cause resentment and rebellion in most people.

NOTE #8 - Obedience

“Forced obedience” is a contradiction in terms. Obedience is willing acceptance of authority through the exercise of individual free agency, not a slavish response to demanding and oppressive authority. Obedience is a voluntary acceptance of the parents as the presiding authority in the home and a willingness to adhere to family rules and standards. Obedience to moral and virtuous principles means personal acceptance of these principles, not reluctant adherence to them.

Obedience comes about because children have faith in the superior experience and knowledge of their parents. Children are obedient because they realize that they do not comprehend as much as their parents do. The voice of experience tells the parents that certain rules must be kept for the safety, well-being and proper development of their offspring. The children accept this fact and are obedient in faith. Children trust that their decision to follow a parent’s counsel will bring about an avoidance of mistakes, failures and suffering, and that through obedience greater progress and development can be achieved or realized.

Children should be taught to reasonably question authority, to question rules and regulations and things they are told to do. It is no longer wise (if it ever was) to instruct our children to blindly obey all adults! Teach them to question, not in a rebellious or hostile manner, but in a respectful manner, and for a wise purpose. Again: Children should not be taught to obey all adults, or do whatever any adult tells them to do! Children should be encouraged to be honest to themselves and not to betray their better judgment. They should be taught to weigh the differences and to discern wisely between following counsel kindly given and taking the advice of some individual who might have some vested interest.

Do not teach blind obedience which is thoughtless compliance. It is unhealthy. There is a matter of judgment and experience in knowing to whom we should render obedience. We should be obedient only to those individuals who can be trusted in certain situations in which their experience is obviously greater than our own and they are not serving some selfish interest. Children should be taught to intelligently question authority at all levels and to give loyalty and obedience only to those worthy of such trust.

NOTE #9 - Individual Value

Our value in life is not based upon production, popularity, possessions, money, looks, how fast we can run, or how many degrees we have. Individual value is a “given” because we are alive. We are human, our lives are sacred, and every person needs to be treated at all times with dignity, respect and concern. We are not to cheapen the value of the individual by disrespecting, humiliating, or abusing them in any way. Parents need to treat their children as the most important commodities in the world, which they truly are. Children can tell when parents are more concerned about boats, campers, jobs, and what the neighbors think, than they are about them.

Especially in our developmental years, our feelings of personal worth are fragile and are determined by what we think other people think of us. How people treat us and look at us determines how we think and feel about ourselves. You may say that I am important to you but if you look at me with a scowl and are upset with me most of the time or you won’t spend much time with me as a child, I feel very unimportant and my self-esteem lowers.

However, if my parents look at me with a gleam of happiness in their eyes, then I see that they treasure and value me, and I experience and feel that I must be an important person. If I am held tenderly and treated with respect physically and emotionally, if my needs are considered, if my questions are answered, and if I’m listened to, then I know what my parents “really” think of me. It can be said that parents, in a very significant way, determine the self-esteem of their children. Parents hold a value for each child and when this value is unconsciously communicated to the child he soon learns to value himself in direct proportion to how he feels the parents value him, whether positively or negatively.

Children might act out in very, very dysfunctional ways to get the attention and love of parents that they need so badly. The more some children act out, the more some parents express their displeasure at the child. The more displeasure that is expressed, the worse the child feels about himself. The worse the child feels about himself, the more he acts out. You can see the vicious cycle. Kids end up acting terribly. Parents respond in anger. This hurts the child, hurts the parents and there is misery in the home instead of love. How unfortunate! Parents can learn and use correct parenting tools to change all this!

NOTE #10 - Unconditional Acceptance

Accept the child for who and what he is, warts and all. Don’t be unhappy that he is not taller, faster, more handsome, a better athlete, a better student, or doesn’t believe what you believe. If your kid seems lazy or dishonest to you, and if that is what he chooses to be, still accept him for who he is and what he is. Don’t be critical and angry because a child is exercising his freedom to choose something that you don’t think is ideal or doesn’t fit your dream child. Don’t withhold acceptance until the child performs to please you; this is conditional acceptance, conditional love.

If we are not willing to accept our loved ones because of things in them that are not perfect or that we do not agree with (or are even offensive) then our love is conditional. Do not let differences in personal value systems destroy the love family members could enjoy for each other. Respect their boundaries and freedoms to be who and what they choose to be. Remember also, that you need to set similar boundaries for yourself. If you do this you’ll be surprised at how well you’ll get along. So, accept the other person entirely for where they are right now and stop waiting for them to change to suit you.

If I accept 100% of my son, then I reject nothing. (See diagram below). If I accept 90% he will feel 10% disapproval over what I do not accept (reject). What you do not accept comes across as rejection, because it is rejection!

Most of the time (if we’re honest about it) 90% of what our kids do is great while only 10% may be unacceptable. However, if we are not careful, we tend to spend most of our time focused on the 10% that we don’t accept. This becomes a great distortion if that 10% is what we harp on and center 90% of our attention on. It becomes the cause of all of our irritations. If we focus on the ten percent that is wrong with the child, the child soon comes to believe that all we see is the bad. They start to believe that since that is all we talk about, they really are bad, or that there really is something seriously wrong with them. This distortion of reality is damaging to the child and to the relationship between parent and child. It makes the whole world seem negative. It makes the whole world critical to that child. It is damaging to feel rejected all the time!

NOTE #11 - Human Needs

We need to create an environment in the home that will promote, enhance and maximize the satisfaction of these two human needs: to be a part of the family and yet still be free to be separate from it. To satisfy these needs brings happiness and joy. When we belong we are loved, respected, cherished, recognized, and approved of. We can also “belong” by being the ‘rebel’ or the ‘scapegoat’. Belonging brings a feeling of intimacy. Intimacy is the uncensored communication of thoughts and feelings between people! In many marriages the husband and wife dearly respect and love each other but the relationship is almost entirely devoid of intimacy. They don’t know how to communicate. A healthy relationship is made up of two individuals, each of whom is his own person, with neither being dysfunctionally connected to the other.

‘Belonging’ gives you the opportunity to feel dignity, respected, recognized, validated, self-worth, important, cherished, approved of, noticed and to receive ‘strokes’.
Being ‘Free’ gives you the opportunity to believe what you want to believe, to be what you want to be, to think what you think, to feel what you feel, to like what you like, to come and go as you please, to do what you want to do, to say what you want to say, to value what you value and to choose what you want to choose. Freedom is being individuated or differentiated from the thoughts and feelings of others. It is being able to truly be yourself!

When needs are not met we feel frustrated or empty. When our “pain” reaches certain discomfort levels we are motivated to try and satisfy these needs in some "other" way. This can lead to neurosis. Trying to satisfy normal needs in counterfeit and dysfunctional ways is neurotic behavior. Some people, in order to satisfy their unmet inner needs, work very hard to acquire money, possessions, sexual partners, fame and so-called success in a hundred forms and yet are still unsatisfied after all they have, or after all they have done. We don’t recognize our behavior as action taken to belong and/or to be free. However, once we are aware and see behavior in that context, much of why our children do what they do becomes much more evident and easier to deal with.

As a parent, allow for the satisfaction of both needs in your children. Each child will be a little different. Some want more freedom than others while some need more belonging than others. Some people become overly enmeshed and involved with other people. They belong so much that they hardly have a life of their own. Some people are so disconnected and alienated from others that they do not belong at all and feel lonely and rejected. A parent has the task to emotionally connect and bond with these children without becoming too enmeshed or overly protective. We can be so involved in the lives of our children or so connected that they feel smothered and begin to pull away. There is a very delicate balance. Remember: Children can have two apparently contradictory needs struggling in them at the same time: the need to belong and the need to be free. Allow them to satisfy both of those needs. Allow them the security of the home and also allow them opportunities to exercise their freedom of choice.

If the cost of ‘belonging’ means that we must tolerate oppressive parents who are telling us everything to do, then we have a problem, because we cannot ‘belong’ and still be ‘free’. If ‘belonging’ costs their ‘freedom’, most children will choose to break away from the family; and if they do, they will certainly have the supportive efforts and sympathies of their peer groups. Do not make it necessary for children to give up ‘belonging’ to be ‘free’.

If you don’t allow your children freedom, you will probably lose them. Why? If they feel that you will never recognize them as adults and never recognize their right to free choice, they will leave and will go to a peer group where they can have all the freedom they want and still feel accepted. It is not wise to force your children to make this choice.

Freedom is not the right to trample on the rights of others. If we desire freedom for ourselves we must be willing to grant it to others and to respect their boundaries (rights, property and space). Freedom of expression allows us to express our feelings but not to attack or criticize another. Freedom to feel, allows us to feel angry but does not give us the right to act upon that anger or to harm someone. Neither does freedom to listen to the music of our choice justify us in forcing that music on others by blasting it throughout the house. Our innate rights of freedom impose upon us the obligation to recognize those same rights in others.

Young people are very willing to accept their own freedom but they need to understand that with that freedom comes responsibility for themselves and for others. It is generally true that when freedoms are explained and given to young people they are much more willing to recognize the rights and freedoms of others.

When parents do a good job the children leave the nest in a healthy way; they don’t have to rebel to get out. Parents shouldn’t take it personally when children grow up and marry. Parents should not be territorial with their children but should allow the son or daughter-in-law to take their rightful place as spouse. Parents should begin to let go so that a new family can be formed. Some parents try to hang on to their married children out of their own neediness and dysfunction.

If you’ve done a good job your child is healthy and is capable of beginning his/her own family. This is the natural order of things, so do not feel offended or betrayed. Do not feel that your children are ungrateful. Remember your parental need is now outdated. Your need as a parent was to be needed. Your child’s need, at this point, is not to need you; it is to gain independence. His need must supersede your need to be needed. Do not require that your child remain a child and bonded to you as a child in a child’s role. Be willing for that relationship to change. You must now relate adult to adult.

A FATHER’S AWAKENING

I will never forget, as a father, the day my daughter was married. I had spent years supporting her and sustaining her through college, interviewing the boys that she dated, protecting her, teaching her, praying over her, spending thousands of dollars getting her teeth fixed, and finally watching her grow from an awkward, skinny little girl to a beautiful young woman. After living through the disappointments and challenges of high school and college, I watched her court, accept a proposal of marriage and marry.

On her wedding day my one and only daughter kissed me, smiled and said, “Daddy, now you are the second most important man in my life. I love you. Thanks for everything.” Then she got in the car with this young man, said, “Bye-bye, Daddy!” and drove off! I stood there bewildered, speechless. She didn’t come home that night. My intellect told me they were married but how could she possibly leave us? That was my little girl, our treasure, and I loved her so much. That night she didn’t even call and say she was going to be late! She just left and did not come back! I spent a very restless night trying to figure out what had happened.

I thought, “Is this what raising children is all about?” To dedicate my heart, soul, and financial means; to worry about her, to run off her creepy boyfriends and to consecrate my life to this great success; to have this beautiful young girl who had grown full of integrity and beauty, with the highest moral values, hardworking, dedicated, and the epitome of all the virtues and parental aspirations; to have her just get in the car with a boy that she had known for only twelve months and drive out of our lives?

The thought went through my mind, "How could she just get up and leave? Isn't she coming back home? Is that it?" I understood what was happening, but I certainly was not emotionally prepared for how I felt. My wife had anticipated this much better than I had; she just laughed at me. I suppose that I was even a little indignant. I said, "How could that boy just come and take our daughter away? How could he possibly mean as much to her as we do?" It took me several days to get over it (assuming I ever have).

It was very hard for me to grant her that last freedom, the freedom to be a woman, to leave us, to start her own family, to not be my little girl anymore. All children need that freedom and we have to give it to them. We cannot, in love, sacrifice our children's need to satisfy our own. We must let them go, and graciously! For some, this is their greatest challenge as parents!

NOTE #12 - Parental Responsibility

Before the right environment can be created to raise healthy, happy children we need to acknowledge that:

1. A healthy home environment is the result of a healthy marriage.

2. A healthy and fulfilling marriage is the result of the joining together of two emotionally and psychologically healthy individuals.

Dysfunctional people make dysfunctional marriages and train dysfunctional children. Our first priorities are to become aware of, and to deal with our personal and marital dysfunctions. If this happens, the chances of success will certainly be enhanced. An in-depth study of Chapter 8 on Family Systems and other resource material is the beginning step in this process. Remember: No one is perfect; we are all dysfunctional in some respects, but the healthier we are, the happier we are.

All marriages can improve; and some have great need to improve. Someone has said that there has never been a marriage in which there were not many grounds for divorce. We learn that we have to invest in our marriages and feed our mar­ riages like we feed our bodies and our minds or they will get sick and wither. A mar­ riage is a living thing. It must be nurtured with con­ sideration, gentleness and kindness. We invest in our businesses; we even put manure on our gardens but we forget that our marriages need nourish­ ment too, and that they are worthy of our greatest efforts. From good families and marriages come the most beautiful and loving relationships in life.

We spend much of our time at work, in recreation or at the ladies’ club while we have personal relation­ ships that are unhealthy and unfulfilling. Our children and our spouses may be starving for affection, for validation, for intimacy. While we spend forty hours or more each week working we often fail to even take fifteen minutes for nurturing our relationship with our family. Why are you working so hard fathers? To put bread on the table? But there is more to life than eating. There is more to life than clothing our chil­ dren or putting a roof over their heads. That certainly takes some time but those needs are not the only essential issues in providing for loved ones.

The more es­ sential issues relate to our personal relation­ ships with our children and with our wives or husbands. Happiness never has and never will come form having a lot of money in the bank. Wealthy families can be very, very dysfunctional. There are children who receive thousands and thousands of dollars from their parents any time they want, who are an­ gry at their parents because they refuse to give them the love they need. Love is best manifested by sharing our time, abilities and our selves with others. Our duties as parents are expanded in the following paragraphs.

Basic Parent Responsibility #1 - TO LOVE: Love the child unconditionally (without condition). The importance of the child feeling loved and cherished cannot be overemphasized. When we are loved and cherished we develop a sense of self-worth and of trust and belief in other people. Any child is worthy of our love. A child that does not feel loved does not feel valued, does not feel worthy, and will go through life questioning his self-worth; never feeling “good” enough. This leads to neurotic behavioral patterns and a life full of trying to compensate for the feelings of inferiority, shame and unworthiness. If the child is cherished he learns to trust and feel safe with others. He is more able to risk and be intimate without fear of rejection.

Basic Parent Responsibility #2 - TO PROTECT: A child needs emotional, physical, and psychological protection. A child is rescued when life and limb are at risk; otherwise, in the normal flow of events, the parents allow him to suffer the painful consequences of his choices. Protection does not mean protection from accountability, responsibility or work. You rescue the three-year-old from the street but not the fourteen-year-old from the principal and police when he has cut school. Part of this protection is being able to say, “No!” at the right time and being able to say, “No!” even when the child will be angry and disappointed. You need to stick to your decisions in spite of the fact that it makes you unpopular or that the child will give you a bad time. A child needs to be protected from his inexperience.

Protection also comes when the child will voluntarily follow the counsel and advice of the parents. It is very difficult for a parent to protect the child who will not follow counsel and advice. The child needs to learn early in life that the responsibility for protection is a dual responsibility which he and his parents share. It is impossible for a parent to protect a child who will not heed the counsel and advice given.

Basic Parent Responsibility #3 - TO PRESIDE: Parents naturally preside in the home because they are bigger, stronger, wiser and better able to protect the family. A parent presides for practical reasons and because nature bestows the natural right and ability upon them. Although the parents always preside, the children get an increasingly greater say in how the house is run. In fact, if possible, a great deal of the management of the home should be turned over to the children so that they can learn from experience how a home should operate.

There needs to be an understanding that every human being is equally important, that no one person is any better than another. Certainly parents do not preside in the home because they are more important than the children. Equality has to do with each individual deserving dignity and respect from all other people by virtue of the fact that they are human beings, that they are living creatures. Equality has to do with personal worth and right to life, liberty and happiness, but that is where equality stops. Children are not equal with their parents in life experience, in size, wisdom, understanding, ability to make money, clean the house, provide for, or protect the home.