"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by
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It is good for parents to promote debates and discussion about issues and allow plenty of time in family council for children to express their feelings, fears, desires, or complaints, and then to discuss solutions for these issues. When there are differences of opinion (and there will be legitimate differences often), the final decision is given to the parents. This is after all parties involved in a dispute or an issue have been heard and the parents have weighed the issues and made a decision which they believe in their hearts is best calculated to be for the benefit of each individual and the family as a whole. As with protecting the child, the parents must teach that a presiding family government is also a dual responsibility. The parents will manage and do the best they can and the children must respect the parents in their presiding, in their roles of authority in the home, and sustain them and help them in this great task. Once all opinions are expressed and once the final decision has been made, the parents ask the children to sustain the parental decision so that family unity can be maintained. Children need to be taught that in instances where they are disappointed in the parental decision, they are just as obligated to sustain (and honor) that decision as they would be if the decision went their way. When a problem persists, a parent might point out, “We love you and it’s obvious that you do not understand this. That is why we ask for your trust and your sustaining influence in the home. We ask for you to support this decision and honor it as though this had been your favorite decision and not to go away from this family council with a long face. We have heard your request and your argument, and we have made a decision. We know you are disappointed but we expect you to sustain us, this decision, and the family. Can we count on you?” Sustaining the presiding authority in the home has to do with loyalty, respect and faith in the parents. In the Loving Trust Family both love and trust are very important. First, the parents love the children and the children love the parents. The children also trust the parents who preside in a manner that is beneficial to the whole family. The parents in turn are given a great trust to be good parents, to be accountable for the way they treat their children, to preside in the home; and they trust that the children will follow their lead, believe in them and submit to their authority voluntarily. No parent can preside over a family that will not be presided over, or that will not accept the authority of the parent. Without voluntary compliance government becomes coercive, hateful and eventually impossible. (Also, see Chapter 4 on Family Government.) Basic Parent Responsibility #4 - TO MODEL: Parents should model what they teach. They should already be the kind of people they want their children to become. The parents should put forth a model of personal integrity and a loving marriage. The greatest gift (besides life) that parents can give their children is a home that is peaceful, warm, accepting, safe and secure. The first great building block of that home is a solid, functional, loving marriage. As an outgrowth of this marital relationship the parents model how to communicate, how to love, how to disagree, and how to negotiate; they model principles and virtues. They are the embodiment of what they teach; they are kind, gentle, hardworking, patient, understanding, tolerant, and resolute in keeping their standards. They are consistent in their instructions, are open and interested in their children, excited about their activities and progress, make the children feel treasured, cherished and important, and they require responsibility, accountability and impose or allow consequences. All this is done in an accepting manner; never critical or judgmental, harsh or unkind. Parents can only teach a virtue that they possess and model. We teach what we really are and cannot teach anything else. No parent can lead children to where they themselves have not been. Parents cannot lift children to higher ground than they themselves are standing upon. There are no secrets in the home and children can see through sham and hypocrisy. They feel it, they sense it, and so it is necessary for parents to be what they wish to teach their children. The parent does not say, “Do what I say, not what I do.” Someone has said, “I cannot hear what you say when what you are thunders so loudly in my ears!” Remember, whatever you are, you model, and whatever you model, you teach. By proper modeling the parent invites to a high moral life. There is no other way, no short cut, no substitute for proper, good, virtuous role models. You are a model. Whether you like it or not, you are an example and you cannot escape that fact. The truth: We are either good examples or we are bad examples to our children! Basic Parenting Responsibility #5 - TO PREPARE: Parents are to prepare the child to thrive in a competitive world. This requires that parents create a home environment of great opportunity for the child to learn to work and to develop great character and virtue. As the child works she begins to develop and have a sense of worth and capacity, a sense of industry and power over the years. The parent moves from one end of the pole, full control (infancy) and doing everything for the child, to the opposite end of the pole where the parent is just influential (adult children), gradually allowing and requiring the child to make more of her own decisions in life and realizing the consequences of those decisions. The parent is always, warm, supportive and loving but often leaves the child to struggle and solve her own problems. The transition in a child’s life from parental control to parental influence and self-discipline, self-mastery and self-government is a very important and challenging process. The parent must judge when the controls must be let up and only influence used (sometimes even when the parent sees the child will make an unwise choice and suffer painful consequences!). An ideal home is not one of abundance and ease, but one that provides opportunities and challenges to prepare the child for the rigors and struggles of life. The parent must create an environment of consequences in the home where the child learns to work, to struggle, to cope with failures, disappointments, joys, victories and accomplishments. The child will then be prepared to negotiate with people, to be intimate, to bond with others and to support and preside in his/her own home one day. Preparing the child includes disciplining, loving, and helping her to gain self-respect and a high self-esteem. A child might have all the skills in the world as far as making a living and working, but if she does not have self-esteem and interpersonal skills she has not been prepared to face the world. The preparation of the child is not just physical or mental, but a total preparation which promotes the development of a great character. Preparation entails a spiritual preparation, a physical preparation, a mental preparation, a moral preparation and an emotional preparation. Without good modeling it is more difficult for the child to develop these skills. Teaching correct principles: A parent's guide 1. THE IMPORTANCE OF A LOGICAL WORLD: Parents must not only have certain skills and an understanding of correct parental principles, they must also endeavor to show the child that there are high principles and meanings involved in the actions they take as parents. Children do not become neurotic from the difficulties, frustrations and trials that they face in life. Difficulties are normal. Children become neurotic and unhealthy when there is serious inconsistency in their lives and they cannot predict or understand what is happening in their environment. In other words, children become traumatized and neurotic when things are “crazy” and “illogical” and they cannot figure out what works in their world. Instead of making rules arbitrarily, one of your most important tasks as a parent is to explain the underlying correct principles behind the rules in the home. Although children are not always capable of understanding the principles behind the rules, they need to know that they are there. In this way the child begins to understand that there is something much more important involved than just cleaning his bedroom or returning something he has found. As much as possible, the child needs to know and understand that he is being held responsible for his own life and the management of his own resources and time. He needs to understand that he is developing personal responsibility and self discipline. He is learning to manage the world and his room is just a little piece of it. 2. DEVELOPING CRITICAL, UNHAPPY PEOPLE: If parents habitually focus on the negative the child can soon feel rejected. If you are not clear in your acceptance the child can also conclude that something is wrong with her. When a child feels rejected you are not giving that child what she needs, and at some time she will probably come to resent it. If a child does not get acceptance from parents, the parents might find that the child is soon rejecting them. Constant critical focus on the negative by the parent will soon train the child to also focus on the negative; and to be critical. Critical people are unhappy people. They are always looking for what is wrong, for the fly in the soup, for someone to blame, they never enjoy the good things. Don’t be one of them. Build on your children’s strengths, accept them, acknowledge their greatness and their value. That is encouraging and uplifting. Accept them in their immaturity (they are only children) and accept them even when they want to go with goofy friends, wear silly clothes and listen to awful music. Accept them, but also require that they honor your boundaries and your rights of choice, just as you honor theirs. 3. THEIR RIGHTS AND YOUR BOUNDARIES: Accepting a child does not mean that you give up your rights or your boundaries. Acceptance means that you allow personal rights to others. It does not mean that you approve of everything they do! If one of your boundaries is that you will not tolerate alcohol in your home, then the child is informed that alcohol is never allowed in the home. A parent gives a very poor message if they condone illegal activities (drugs) in the home. You must report illegal activities to the authorities. You accept the child's right to believe what he/she wants but you also claim your right in your home not to have certain things there. You demand that he respect your rights as you respect his. Don’t stand there and moralize and preach. If you’ve done a good job as a parent your child already knows exactly what you think, feel and believe. Teenagers definitely know the difference between right and wrong! If a child who is a legal adult comes home stoned or drunk, you have the option of putting him out of the home. Each child must understand before the fact that the authorities will be immediately called and all illegal activities reported. This includes a minor’s participation in drugs, alcohol, theft, etc. This will make it a matter of record in case you have problems in the future. (It might be necessary to provide another place for a hard core child to live for the sake of the family because of the negative influence on other siblings). Children need to know that when they violate the nonnegotiable boundaries of your home that there are serious and immediate consequences. If they choose to desecrate your home, they have chosen to violate your trust; they have offended the family. The consequences might include removal from the home. They cannot be allowed to trample over your boundaries or victimize other members of the family.
It is estimated that approximately 93% of what we communicate is nonverbal, while only 7% is verbal. We communicate our entire belief system, including values, attitudes, prejudices and our unique view of the world, our “reality”, to our children, most of the time in unconscious ways. We communicate by example, role modeling and body language. Yes, we even communicate by our silence, by what we don’t say! How does communication effect my relationships? The quality of our relationships is determined by the quality of our communications. Therefore, it is of little use to mean well but to be poor communicators. The issue is what and how others interpret what we communicate. It has been said that we should speak not to be understood, but so that we cannot be misunderstood. Our communications need to be clean, honest, respectful, kind and courteous. What is said to us is not nearly as important as what we hear! Communication includes “hearing” and is vital. We have great power in how we “choose” to hear! How we choose to interpret what we hear, and how we choose to feel about what we hear, are much more important than what is said to us. Our “hearing” can be very prejudiced and not open at all! What about "Closed" and "Open" responses? Open responses are nonjudgmental, having no suggestions or solutions. The response is one of simply accepting what is being said. These responses reflect both the content and the feelings the child is projecting to the parent. Closed responses, by contrast, are comments parents make which are judgmental, advisory or are nonaccepting in some way. These responses “close” or shut down the conversation and do not promote further dialogue. Closed responses also “discount” the other person.
“You” messages say, “It’s your fault.” The assumption is that I don’t have any responsibility to change anything. “You always...!” “You never...!” “Why do you...?” are all critical. They are put-down statements and often start an argument or a fight. “You” messages are no good! They never help! Stop using them! Use an “I” message instead. What is an "I" message? “I” messages focus on “me” and my problems and boundaries! “I” messages state how and why I feel the way I do. They do not attack or blame others. “I am Feeling very embarrassed right now About all the dirty dishes in the family room Because the guests that are now arriving probably think I’m a terrible housekeeper and mother.” Note the “FAB” formula allowed the mother to vent and get her message across without blaming or attacking the children who made a mess.
As in the above example, “I” messages are used in conjunction with Feel-About-Because (FAB). They do not attack, accuse or blame anyone. FAB focuses on our feelings and the effects of irresponsible behavior, not on who is to blame! “Johnny, I feel worried about your failing grades because I know how badly you want to go to college with your friends in the fall.” is a good FAB message. “I feel bad when you...because...!” has the characteristics of a FAB message but contains the “you” blaming message and is therefore not a true FAB. Remember to “FAB” your kids! Is arguing effective? No! At first arguing is usually about issues or things. As arguing escalates, however, it can turn personal and then violent. Sixty seconds into any argument the issue is no longer what is right; it’s who is right. The issue is no longer about being kind, fair or honest; it’s about who is going to win and who is going to lose. Parents can’t win an argument! Don’t set the example of arguing. If you win, you model that arguing works. If you lose, the kids take over and are rewarded for arguing and contending. Arguing and contention bring a bad and depressive spirit into the home. (Also, see NOTE #2, page 131.)
John Lund, in his book, "Avoiding Emotional Divorce", suggests that all of us express our love and desire to be loved in different ways. People generally communicate in one of three love languages: Touch-oriented person: Expresses love by touching and physical contact, and feels loved through touching and tactile association. Verbally-oriented person: Expresses love with words (spoken or written), and experiences being loved when love is verbally expressed. Task-oriented person: Expresses love by doing something for someone, and feels loved by what others do for them. Most of us are a combination of all three, but usually we prefer one more than the other two. Remember, to really get your love message across, you need to communicate your love in the love language of the person to whom you wish to express it. (Also, see NOTE #3, page 132.) Are you a liar? YES, if you ever renegotiate consequences! As parents we must always communicate honestly with our children. If a consequence is set up, it must be carried out or we are lying to our children. You become a liar if you change what you said would be the consequence. If you say, “No!” it must remain a “no”. Do not reinforce arguing, whining, or begging by changing your “no” to “yes”. You will reward and strengthen negative behaviors if you make yourself a liar by giving in after establishing the rules and consequences. Be absolutely consistent every time. Honor contracts and warnings perfectly...100% of the time! (Also, see NOTE #4, page 132.) Say what you mean and mean what you say! What are the three "ego states"? Eric Bern presents a very useful model showing how we communicate with each other. He explains that each of our personalities are made up of three Ego States, Parent, Adult, and Child (sometimes referred to as PAC). 1. Parent Ego State: When we are thinking, feeling, speaking, or acting like a parent, we are in our Parent Ego State. We have learned how to do this from our parents or past authority figures. 2. Adult Ego State: When we are thinking, feeling, speaking, or acting like an adult, we are in our Adult Ego State, and responding to the here and now. 3. Child Ego State: When we are thinking, feeling, speaking or acting like a child, we are in our Child Ego State, which is a replay of what we learned and recorded during our childhood. We are always “in” one of our Ego States, always thinking feeling or acting in our Parent, our Adult, or our Child. Ego States: All good or all bad? The parent and child ego states of our personality have both a positive side and a negative side. In the Parent Ego State we have both a Critical or Controlling Parent, and a Nurturing Parent. In the Child Ego State we have both an Adaptive Child and a Free or Natural Child. (Also, see NOTE #5, page 133.) The Critical Parent requires the child to adapt in negative ways. The more critical and controlling the parent is, the more negative the adaptations. The Critical Parent strengthens and encourages the Adaptive Child. (Also, see NOTE #6, page 133.) The Nurturing Parent helps and allows the child to develop in healthy ways and to grow in a positive manner. The Nurturing Parent encourages and strengthens the Natural Child. (Also, see NOTE #7, page 135.) The Adaptive Child is a manufactured or contrived being that is the product of what the child felt he had to become in order to get along in the world and get what he wanted; the expert at power games, cunning, etc. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 135.) The Free Child is himself, innocent, open, fun, curious, spontaneous, giving and loving. (Also, see NOTE #9, page 136.)
A transaction is a communication between two people which includes both a stimulus (S), and a response (R) to the stimulus. “Hi George!”, “Hi Tom!” is a transaction. This communication (transaction) can come from, and be answered by, any of the three Ego States (Parent, Adult, or Child). Transactional Analysis (TA) is studying and understanding the communications (transactions) between people. Do transactions have to be verbal? No! Example: Stimulus 1 (S1) Hi, George! Response 1 (R1) (George frowns and walks off)! Did George communicate without speaking? He sure did! Transactional Analysis is simply examining and analyzing communications (transactions) between people.
A crossed transaction is one in which the communication lines are not parallel to each other, or one in which the ego state addressed is not the one which responds. Example: I ask, “How about helping me with the dishes?” and you blow up and scream, “Dishes! I’ve worked hard for 10 hours today and all you’ve done is visit with your friends and cooked hot dogs for dinner. Do them yourself!” So I respond in turn, “Why do you always criticize me? I’ve worked hard too!” That was not the “adult” response I had invited with my “adult” question. Instead you have moved into an angry Parent Ego State and with your criticism you tempt me to move out of my adult and into my child. What is a complimentary transaction? When communications are parallel the transactions are complimentary. This occurs when the Ego State addressed is the one which responds. Complimentary or parallel transactions can go on indefinitely because nothing interrupts the flow. Yüklə 2,18 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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