"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by
What is the "Blame Game"?
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What is the "Blame Game"? Blaming is a clever technique used to take the focus off of the “blamer” and shift the blame (responsibility) onto someone else. It excuses the blamer and indicts the accused. It is all criticism and destructive whether it is true or not! We are not always justified in saying something just because it is true. Not all “truth” is uplifting and supportive. Some truth can be destructive and harmful and we are not wise to say it. “Susan, your hair looks atrocious and that dress makes you look like you weigh 300 pounds. That’s why our dance team lost, and it’s all your fault!” Don’t rationalize that it is okay to say something just because it might be true! Dysfunctional families and individuals are always looking for someone else to “blame!” Can criticism be addictive? YES! Criticizing can become as addictive as raging, rescuing, eating, controlling, or taking drugs. We develop and habitualize dysfunctional patterns of behavior to relieve our anxiety and take our minds off our pain. Many of us, when we are frustrated or irritable, relieve ourselves by taking it out on the kids in the form of criticizing or blaming. Just the sight of a certain child is sometimes enough to trigger an emotional dumping by some parents. The child becomes the scapegoat for parental dysfunction. (Also, see NOTE #6, page 61.) What are "Strokes"? A stroke is a unit of human recognition. There are both positive and negative strokes. Positive Strokes are uplifting, good comments we make to others. These are pleasant and desired. Positive strokes feed and strengthen the good qualities of your child's character. They emphasize the good. Negative Strokes are critical observations and comment to others. These are unpleasant and discounting. Negative strokes feed and strengthen the undesirable qualities of your child’s character. They emphasize the bad. What you feed strengthens, what you starve dies! Therefore, what do you want to strengthen in your child’s character? What do you want to starve? We all have a need for strokes, we hunger for strokes. Bad breath is better than no breath at all, and so children prefer bad or negative strokes to no strokes at all. This means that if you, as a parent, do not freely give many positive strokes daily, your children will build up a stroke deficit. Oh, yes! They will definitely get your attention! You will wonder, “What is going on and what has happened?” You will find yourself giving lots of negative strokes in the form of yelling, correcting, threatening, punishing and criticizing. You have a choice, you can give lots of positive strokes or wait until your children demand negative ones. Stop all criticism! It is never justified. (Also, see Chapter 5 on Behavior Modification) Parent Trap #6: Arguing ARGUING is a dysfunctional communication pattern which grows out of conflicting interests. In an attempt to gain agreement from a child, a parent may feel obligated to explain his decisions so that the child will “understand” and come to agree. The child, however, is often only interested in explaining his position and pointing out the flaws in the parent’s reasoning. The ensuing argument is never about issues. Sixty seconds into any argument, it becomes a contest of wills; about winning, losing, and about who is strongest. After an argument with someone did you ever hear them say, “I see! You are right! Thanks for pointing that out to me; I was such a fool to think that! Thank heaven I ran into you and you were gracious enough to spend an hour desperately screaming at me trying to help me understand. What a guy! May I take you out to dinner?” That never happens. Arguing: is about contention, not cooperation! It is about winning, not compromising. It is about emotion, not reason. Arguing is a pure power struggle. Stop and withdraw!
Are there any good reasons for a parent to argue? NO! Then why do they argue with their children? Because of two false assumptions: 1. Parents believe the children could benefit by understanding the reasoning process and the facts they present that were obviously not initially understood by the children. Therefore, they feel that they should explain why they made their decision. 2. Parents believe that after the children see the wisdom of the parental perspective they will agree with the parents and be happy about their decision. These two assumptions are ridiculous. If they were true, after a parent explained “why” rock concerts were bad, a child would smile and say, “Gee dad, I didn’t realize that it was a bad environment there, with drugs and all. Thanks for the great counsel! What a guy! Thank heaven we have parents! I’ll stay home and read a book!” Ever hear anything like that? Neither have I!
The truth is that you do not have to defend your decisions, or convince your children that you are right and they are wrong. You can give your reasons but do not allow counter arguments. “Here are my reasons, one, two and three. Besides that, I don’t feel right about it. The decision is final.” To further objections you could say, “I’m sorry you feel badly about the decision; I would be disappointed too, but the decision is final.” If their objections persist, use, “It is final and if there is any more contention over this, there will be certain consequences. Now it’s your choice; forget it, or...............and...............will happen!” Do not expect that they will understand, agree, or be happy about it; that’s not essential. It’s unrealistic to assume a child will understand your concerns. They do not have the advantages of your years of experience. Besides, a lot of teens think they are “bullet proof”. Children must understand that in life they will sometimes be required to follow decisions they neither like nor understand. Why do kids argue? Because it pays off for them! When a child is arguing with you, he is not trying to understand you; he is trying to defeat your argument! When he wants to do something very badly, he is probably not very open to facts that invalidate his reasons for doing what he wants. Here are several good reasons for a child to argue: 1. To delay compliance to your requests. 2. To convince you he is right and talk you out of it. 3. To negotiate and bargain out of it. 4. To cause a fight that is so distasteful that you quit; thus the child “escapes”. 5. To exhaust you to the point that you finally say, “OK, if you want to flunk out of school, see if I care!” 6. To enjoy the rush of engaging you in a contest of wills (her 60 pounds against dad’s 200 pounds). 7. To make you pay and suffer before they must comply. How parents avoid the arguing trap: The master word, "Why?" Johnny: Mom, I’m going to the rock concert, OK? Mom: No! You can’t go! Johnny: Why not? Tom’s mother is letting him go! Mom: I don’t care what Tom’s mother does...Besides, you’re way behind in your school work. This struggle can go on forever. Johnny has taken control and put mom on the defensive by requiring her to defend her position and answer his "whys?" so he can argue with her logic. Let us here note that Johnny is not asking “why” after “why” because he is sincerely interested in reaching a wise, safe decision. He is not thinking about danger, bad influences, school work or anything else. He is not trying to collect data so that he can make wise decisions here. He is asking why for one reason only. He wants mom to expose her reasoning or objections so that he can attack them, overcome them, and get his own way. Therefore, typically, after mother gives a reason he argues and when she can’t convince him with one reason she gives him another reason which he likewise rejects and argues about. Soon it is obvious that it is a battle of wills. Emotions quickly factor in and people get mad and insulting. Mother has fallen into the “arguing trap”. The person who asks, “why?” takes control of the person trying to justify and answer the demanding “WHY?” How can I stop the arguing forever? There are five elements in the method of eliminating arguing with children in the home. These are techniques and tools to use to stop arguing forever! 1. THE SPONGE (collects and soaks up all their arguments) When a child asks, “Can I ...?” you say, “Tell me about it. Why should you go?” “Well, we’re going to ... can I go?” “Well, tell me some more about it.” Have them tell you more and more. Get them to tell you every possible reason “why” they should go! You allow them to exhaust their entire argument for going. After they are through and you have evaluated all the information, you say something like, “No, you may not go. I’m sure it would be fun, but you may not go.” If the child asks, “Why?” he is not interested in collecting more data; his “why?” is to get you to present an objection he can attack and overcome. Refuse to answer the “whys” and use one of the deflectors. 2. DEFLECTORS (nevertheless, regardless, etc.) When a child does not accept the decision but continues to argue or say it’s stupid; first, acknowledge what he says, and second, use a deflector. Johnny: Well that’s stupid and lame! Mom: Sweetheart, it may be stupid and lame, but nevertheless the answer is no! Johnny: That’s not fair, everyone else is going! Mom: Regardless of whether it’s fair or not, and in spite of the fact everyone else is going, the answer is no! There are many other deflectors such as, “I understand, however...,” Make up your own; they all serve the same purpose.
WITHOUT ARGUING, THE BROKEN RECORD SIMPLY REPEATS OVER AND OVER, “NEVERTHELESS, THE ANSWER IS NO!” Child: Well, everyone else is going! Parent: In spite of that, the answer is no. Child: Well, that’s stupid! Parent: Regardless of whether it’s stupid or not, the answer is no. Child: It’s perfectly safe! Parent: It may be safe, but nevertheless, the answer is no. Note that mother does not argue whether everyone else is going or not, or whether it’s stupid or safe, etc., but she does show that she has taken note of the objections by mentioning them and then reaffirming her no!
It is very important not to allow the tension to build. Simply leave the situation and disengage from the child. Stop talking, stop justifying your decisions. You’ll just make things worse. 5. AVOIDING HARASSMENT Do not tolerate any harassment; it is modeling that you accept abuse. This is a boundary issue. Some children will get angry, complain, and attempt to follow you around, or threaten. They need to know beforehand that there will be serious consequences if they persist. In fact, consequences should have been discussed in family council and the children made very aware what the consequences will be for harassing their parents. Consequences need to be strong enough to leave no doubt in a child’s mind (even when upset) that it certainly is not worth it to pursue the issue. EXAMPLE: Johnny: Mom! Can I go to the rock concert with Tommy? Mom: Come in here so we can discuss it. Johnny: It’s going to be great! Mom: Tell me all the details. What, when, where, who. Johnny explains all the details. To this point, mom has not said yes or no. Now mom takes the initiative. That’s quite far (etc.). I need some assurances. Tell me “why” you feel it’s appropriate, safe (etc.). Mom is now the one in control because she is asking the master question “why?” Mom requires Johnny to give more and more details about the event and give assurances “why” he should be allowed to go. First- this process gives Johnny his day in court. He becomes satisfied that mom really has all the information she needs to make her decision (she’ll not make a hasty or snap decision). He feels this is fair and respectful of his request. Second- this process is squeezing out of Johnny his entire arsenal of reasons why he should be allowed to go. Even when Johnny has given all his reasons “why he should go" mom still presses for more justification. This takes all the wind out of Johnny’s sails later should the decision go against him. It is best for mom not to decide immediately, but to say that she will weigh all the pros and cons and give a decision later at some designated time. Maybe she needs to consult with dad or calendars, etc. At the appointed time mom gives Johnny her decision. If it is yes, or yes with conditions, Johnny is usually happy and that is the end of it. But when the answer is “no!” the attack comes! “Why not?”
Yes, because love is defined as an irrational positive regard for someone. Think about it, “I love you!” (irrationality) works when logic and power fail. Love is unconditional and illogical; we love our kids no matter what. Come from a place of LOVE rather than from a place of reason or power. As the child persists, you can say, “Son, I know you’re disappointed. I would love to let you go, but I would just be worried sick. I care about you. Out of concern for your safety and my love for you, I must say no!” “That’s stupid!” he may say. “In spite of the fact that you think it’s stupid, the answer is no.” It’s okay to give reasons for your decisions but not to debate them! Once the child has heard the reason and then starts to question, argue, whine, get cross, etc., you must stop the debate and use the techniques explained above; sponge, deflector, etc. You don’t have to be logical. You don’t have to make sense. Beware of “logic” and “power” answers. If you feel it is appropriate and OK to give reasons let us caution you. If you give a LOGICAL reason why they can’t go, 99% of the time the child will attack or discount your reasoning. It is so tempting they immediately will disagree and argue. Don’t give a “POWER” answer. “Because I said ‘No!’ I’m your father and you must do as I say as long as you live under my roof!” This is a challenge and sets up a power struggle. A child will be tempted to “show you” that you don’t have the “power” to control them, and that they can do what they want. Love works, when logic and power fail!!! Parent Trap #7: Inconsistency We humans need predictability for a sense of security. Therefore, our mind is constantly trying to figure out the world, to make sense of our environment. Consistency and reliability in our lives bring security and peace and reduces stress. INCONSISTENCY in applying consequences or punishment for noncompliance to rules is “crazy making”. A child learns that sometimes, or even most of the time, he or she does not have to comply. In fact, noncompliance is itself reinforcing because it allows the child to escape the work or duty that was requested. Inconsistency in rewarding good behavior can weaken good behavior. Inconsistency in punishing misbehavior rewards misbehavior, often to the extent that children will try the misbehavior because the chance they’ll get away with it is so good. Inconsistency in punishment thereby becomes “intermittent reinforcement” of bad behavior. Intermittent reinforcement which is often failure to punish bad behavior, is the strongest kind of behavioral reinforcement we have. Being consistent and predictable will bring security and calm to your home. (Also, see NOTE #7, page 62, and Chapter 5 on Behavior Modification) Parent Trap #8: Lying LYING: Parents can make themselves into liars! “Jimmy, you must eat all your dinner before you get dessert.” “Yes, Sarah, you may go with your friends Saturday if all your chores are done.” If Jimmy gets dessert (for any reason) without eating all of his dinner, or if Sarah goes with friends on Saturday (for any reason) and all of her chores are not done, then the above statements were both lies and the persons who made them are liars. Do you promise or threaten consequences and then not follow through? If so, your promises and threatened consequences were untrue. They were false, they were lies...and you became a liar...someone who can not be believed!
? Yes! When you tell them “no” they don’t argue because they know it will be useless. ? They do their work because they know the promised consequences will surely come. ? You tell them once and they listen. Following is an example of how to avoid lying and thereby enjoy these benefits: Child: Mom, I’ll do anything if you’ll let me go, just this once! Mom: You’re asking me to become a liar, and I will not do that for you or anyone else. If your work is done, you may go. Child: But, you didn’t remind me! Mom: I’ve told you that you are totally responsible for managing your own time and that I will not assume your responsibilities, or remind you. Stop Bluffing. Listen to what you say and never make requests or demands or threaten consequences you can’t enforce or aren’t willing to follow through on. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 62.) Is it OK to REnegotiate consequences? No! Never! Once rules and consequences are in place they can only be changed in family council. If lost TV privileges were the consequence for arguing over which program to watch you must make it stick. Don’t let them talk you out of it by bargaining. “Mom please! Can we watch the program and lose TV tomorrow?” If you “renegotiate consequences” you become a liar. You also invite such negotiation and begging about consequences in the future. In other words, if mother renegotiates consequences now, she is: 1) not revoking privileges that should be revoked for arguing, 2) “rewarding” arguing by allowing the children to watch TV, 3) disrespecting the rules and, 4) training her children to argue over consequences in the future (because arguing always pays off). Parent Trap #9: Insight The parent trap “INSIGHT” is too much talk, logic, or reasoning. It is an effort to give the child insight so that some behavior will change. Insight is an attempt to control everything by talking instead of planning and following through with consequences. Some forms of insight include: ? scolding ? reasoning ? expounding ? yelling ? teaching ? begging ? reminding ? preaching ? coaching ? advising ? lecturing ? suggesting ? counseling ? coaxing ? threatening ? nagging ? explaining ? complaining ? pleading ? mentioning ? moralizing
Raising children takes a lot of planning and follow through. When parents are ignorant of the correct principles of parenting they do not require that their children work and have scheduled responsibilities. They have no idea how vitally important work is in the development of a child’s character and self-image. What else happens with teenage retirement? Children don’t learn about work because they are not required to work. They also fail to learn how to manage their own resources (money and time). They may grow up to be unappreciative, self-centered human beings. They often are bored with life, disrespectful of authority, wasteful and unhappy. When children fail to learn to work, they become individuals who feel inferior to others; they have been robbed of self-esteem and confidence because they have not acquired the age-appropriate skills that would cause them to feel more capable and independent. The most important developmental task for children ages six to twelve is to develop a sense of industry (the ability to work and produce) and the skills to survive and take care of themselves. Children who learn to work gain confidence, are happy and motivated and they develop a sense of “industry”. Persons who have real “needs” are motivated to action (work) to satisfy those needs. People without needs are not motivated to action (work). Children who are provided “everything” have no needs and therefore are not motivated to action (work). Children need to need! Children must experience “need” so they will be motivated to work and grow! A parent’s job is to create an environment that is full of developmental opportunity and challenge for children. It is not to provide them with everything and a life of ease. To develop competent, independent, resourceful, industrious, appreciative, happy children, a parent needs to provide an environment where children can work, struggle, endure pain and learn to defer gratification. (Also, see Chapter 6 on Token Economy.) Yüklə 2,18 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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