"Let’s Fix The Kids!" A parenting Resource Manual by
NOTE #15 - Intimacy versus Isolation, ages 18 to 35
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NOTE #15 - Intimacy versus Isolation, ages 18 to 35 One great individual need (which must be achieved for happiness and healthy development) is to be able to form close friendships, intimate relationships and sexual unions. It takes courage to move into the developmental stage of intimacy. This is why trust is so important; the threat of ego loss through rejection is real and threatening. It is not always intimacy at any cost. Some relationships are not healthy and we need to avoid those which are destructive to us or that might be dangerous to our own identity. We need to distance ourselves from those individuals who encroach over our boundaries and who are manipulative or controlling. It takes courage to venture forth and risk to obtain inti macy. Many people are isolated and alone because they are afraid to risk and to trust other human beings; trust again becomes an issue. Intimacy is not obtained without risk and sacrifice. Persons who cannot (or will not) risk, cannot obtain intimacy. They will not allow themselves to be vulnerable. Intimacy is risking. It is an opening of the soul to an other individual so that emotional bonding can be achieved. This is characterized by a mutual sharing and communication of uncensored feel ings and thoughts. Intimacy or isolation are the choices. The great ego strength that we get from intimacy is affil iation and love. If we are too frightened to become inti mate we live an isolated, lonely, disconnected life. As with all development, we need a bal ance between the two poles, intimacy and isolation. We need intimacy for emotional bonding and love but we need isolation from those in dividuals who would harm us, as well as enjoying some time to ourselves. Isolation from harmful people is not dysfunctional; it is necessary and it is healthy. We have to tell some people, “I cannot be around you; it is destructive to me!”
The task at hand is to form intimate relationships; failure to do so can lead to alienation and isola tion. If I had no in timate experiences with my parents (or very limited ones) how can I have the courage to open up and risk being intimate with another per son? I will be afraid of rejection, and shamed if I expose who I really am; I will forever be lonely and isolated. (Those who fear intimacy should remember: Love is an irrational, positive regard for another person. It doesn’t depend on anything; it’s irrational and abso lutely unconditional. Obviously when we obtain intimacy we are able to enjoy its great benefits, to love and to be loved.) NOTE #16 - Generativity versus Stagnation, ages 35 to 60 Parents must do more than produce off spring; they have to protect, guide, and teach them. This means that parents often have to be willing to sacrifice their own needs; they must over come the temptation to be self-indulgent, which leads to unproductive stagnation. To the extent that they can positively cope with this conflict, adults develop their ability to love and care for the next generation. Through service and sac rifice comes love. Some people marry but lack generativity. In such cases, the couples often regress to a kind of a pseudo intimacy, or they begin to in dulge themselves as if they were their one and only child. These couples endlessly analyze their own relationship in terms of how much they are personally getting from each other. The individuals seem more concerned with their own needs than those of their children and are poor parents. Sometimes parents are like this because their own childhood was so empty or frustrating. In de veloping generativity we begin to look and grow beyond our own lives. We either start looking outside our own lives and start to serve and to give or we become self-absorbed and look in ward to see what we are getting. We be come a spoiled child instead of a phi lanthropist. When we are working and moving for ward we are living and growing, but when we stop working and growing we begin to stagnate and die. Generativity means production; but we do not “produce” out of a sense of our own need, but out of a sense of loving and caring for the next generation and for mankind in gen eral. We certainly begin to transcend our own lives and see life and mankind from a new perspective, from a higher and more exalted place. We care, and we wish to pass on our wisdom, strength and treasures to the succeeding generation whom we hope will truly benefit from our contribution. We come to feel that our lives have been worthwhile, produc tive, useful and of value to ourselves, our families and to all mankind. If we don’t reach this attitude and this height of thinking we turn inward and become selfish and little. In fact, when we become absorbed with our selves, our lives do not produce and we stagnate.
Persons who have developed ego integrity recognize that they have been faithful to the principles which they ac cepted as truth. They feel a certain ful fillment in their lives, a “worthwhileness” in their existence, and as they approach old age, they do not fear death. On the other hand, the lack of the integrated ego is signified by a fear of death because these people are not satisfied with their lives and what has NOT been accomplished. Despair expresses the feeling that the time is now short, too short to redo things. Erikson further believed that to become a mature adult every individual must develop (to a significant degree) all the ego qualities that have been mentioned. Regard less of the culture, the product must be the same. Erikson said that trust, the first of our ego values, becomes an issue here again and requires our reliance on the integrity of others. Now we may further clarify the relationship of adult integrity and infantile trust by say ing that healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death. Erikson believed that if we are not careful as parents, if we do not comprehend the de velopmental stages that our youth go through, we will produce children who mistrust the world, are ashamed of themselves, feel guilty and inferior, are confused and unable to have intimate relationships, and whose lives end in unhappiness and isolation. If we want to develop children with healthy personalities and all the ego strengths, we need to support those things which pro duce trust, independence, initiative, industry, identity, intimacy, generosity and integrity. The core crisis at this age is integrity or despair. Which will it be? Ego integrity is achieved by those who feel few regrets, have lived productive and worthwhile lives, have coped with both their fail ures and their successes, and therefore feel good about themselves. They view death as part of the life process and can still find meaning in how they are now living, even though they are retired They are not obsessed with what might have been and are able to derive full satisfaction from what they have done in life. On the other hand, failure to achieve ego integrity leads one to feelings of despair, hopelessness, guilt, resentment, and self-disgust. Such failures think about all the things they could or should have done in life. They may yearn for another chance. The realization that they have wasted their lives leads to a sense of despair, depression, and melan choly. To avoid this tragedy requires living true to principles that transcend beyond our petty and selfish little lives. It demands a greater and more noble vision and commitment. Integrity is to be morally fulfilled, to comprehend life, to be true to it, and honorable, so that our lives ex tend and have impact beyond ourselves. Summary Ages 0 to 1 is infancy. Here the crisis is between trust and mistrust. At this stage significant others must provide for basic physical and emotional needs. If the infant develops a sense of mistrust because his basic needs are not met, he develops an attitude of mistrust towards the world, especially toward interpersonal relationships. A sense of trust is the result of having one’s needs met. Ages 1 to 3 is the early childhood age. Here the crisis is between autonomy and shame and doubt. This is the time for developing autonomy and a sense of independence. The basic struggle is between a sense of self-reliance and a sense of self-doubt. The child needs to explore and experiment in his environment and be free to make mistakes and to test the limits. If the parents promote dependency, the child’s autonomy and sense of independence is inhibited and his capacity to deal with the world successfully is hampered. Ages 3 to 6 is the preschool age. Here the crisis is between initiative and guilt. The basic task is to achieve a sense of competence and initiative. If children are given freedom to select personally meaningful activities and to follow through with their projects, they tend to develop positive views of themselves. If they are not allowed to make their own decisions they tend to develop guilt over taking the initiative and feel that taking the initiative must be wrong. They then refrain from taking an active position, allowing and actually expecting others to choose for them, which creates a dependent personality. Ages 6 to 12 is the school age. Here the crisis is between industry and inferiority. The child needs to expand his understanding of the world and continue to develop appropriate sexual identities. Parent modeling is extremely important. The child also needs to learn the basic skills required for school success, for that is his world and he has to get along in it. The basic task is to achieve a sense of industry which comes from being encouraged and supported in setting and attaining personal goals. Failure to do so results in a sense of inadequacy and inferiority. Ages 12 to 18 is the adolescent age. Here the crisis is between identity and role confusion. This is a time of transition between childhood and adulthood, a time for testing limits, breaking dependent ties, trying on all kinds of roles and seeing how they fit, and for establishing a new and personal identity (not a child identity). Major conflicts here center on the clarification of self-identity, life’s goals, and life’s meaning. Failure to achieve a sense of identity results in role confusion, “I don’t know who I am!” Again, parental models are extremely important. Ages 18 to 35 is the young adult age. Here the crisis is between intimacy and isolation. The developmental task at this time is to form intimate relationships; failure to achieve intimacy can lead to alienation and isolation. Ages 35 to 60 is the middle age. Here the crisis is between generativity and stagnation. There is a need to go beyond the self and the family and to be involved in helping the next generation. This is the time of adjusting the discrepancy between one’s dreams and one’s actual accomplishments in life. Failure to achieve a sense of productivity often leads to psychological stagnation. Ages 60 and over is called later life. Here the crisis is between integrity and despair. If one looks back on one’s life with few regrets and feels personally worthwhile, ego integrity results. Failure to achieve ego integrity can lead to feelings of despair, hopelessness, guilt, resentment, and self-rejection. The product of ego integrity is wisdom from the great experiences of life.
“I do not know what you will do with your lives, but this much I do know: that those of you who will have true fulfillment and have happiness will be those who have found a way to serve.” Albert Schweitzer Chapter 8 Family Systems What is a family system? As family members we are interdependent in that each of us influences and is influenced by everyone else. A family system is an organization of interdependent sub-systems and individuals which are constantly interacting and adjusting to each other. Every time one person does something it affects all the others in some way. This balance is similar to a circus family that is riding a bicycle high above the crowd on a tightrope; if one person shifts his position or weight, the whole family must quickly adjust to rebalance the system or they will all fall. We cannot really “see” or understand ourselves until we take a good look at the family we were born into (family of origin) and begin to understand how it affects us! We gain great insight into ourselves by understanding how our family of origin was functional and how it was dysfunctional. What are roles? Individual roles are “vital” for the survival of the family. We each learn to fill a particular role in the family so that the family system can survive. If the father, who has been in the traditional “breadwinner” role, gets injured and can no longer bring income into the home, the family must adjust or rebalance itself. Mother may assume the “breadwinner” role until father can heal and reassume his former role. Older children might take over mother’s duties of cleaning house, cooking meals, shopping and even caring for younger siblings. Thus roles in the family may change temporarily or even permanently. This shifting or rebalancing is necessary for family system survival. A family which has been put out of balance because of some event or circumstance will struggle to regain its former position (homeostasis). What is homeostasis? Homeostasis is the natural tendency of the family to resist change; but if somehow changed, to attempt to return to its former (familiar) way of life. Do families resist healthy change? Yes! The family always strives to maintain its former position, regardless of whether that position was functional or dysfunctional. If something throws the family off, the response is to try and return to the original balance. Whether the change is good, bad, inconsequential or even necessary for family survival makes no difference. However strange it may seem, even if the family had been dysfunctional and efforts had been made successfully in reducing anxiety and stress, the family will not feel comfortable in the new low stress mode and someone will do something to get the stress level back up to where everyone is used to it being. Is sibling position important? According to Bowen no single piece of information is more significant than the sibling position (birth order) in which people grew up. This includes all family members in both past and present generations. Sibling positions are the roles that each person has learned in the family. These familiar roles tend to stick with a person, being deeply internalized and reenacted over and over again in future situations and relationships both inside and outside the family. (Also, see Chapter 9 on Personality) What is the "Family Ego Mass"? The family ego mass is that intangible “something” which comprises the total of what the family system thinks, feels, believes and values. The ego mass contains messages about who “we” are as a family, the family code of right and wrong, and what is expected of family members. It is the historical reservoir, bearer of tradition, and the family’s “truth” and view of the world. The family ego mass projects both functional and dysfunctional belief systems. (Also, see NOTE #1, page 323.) What is projection? Projection is the process of communicating the family ego mass into the minds of the new generation. It is as though the parents “project” their view of the world upon the “screen” of their children’s minds, just like the projectionist in the movie theater projects the film and all its images upon the large theater screen. Right, wrong, prejudice, bigotry, love and justice, whether in an emotionally sick or healthy sense, all show up on the screen. This ego mass is projected in what is both acted out or not acted, and by what is or not said. It is projected constantly, every day, every minute, in a thousand ways. This leads to introjection. (Also, see NOTE #2, page 323.) What is introjection? Introjection is a child’s uncensored acceptance of all that the parents project. The child accepts this projection as “truth” and records it all. It may be years before the child will challenge this “downloading” from parents, if he ever does. Some psychologists have said that this is like an “hypnotic trance” which the child believes forever, and which has great control over what he thinks, feels, believes and does in life. This “truth” which is received from former generations is seldom challenged because, as children, we are not aware that it is happening. Later in a child’s life, powerful contradictory data might be encountered to challenge and eventually replace the original images planted in the formative years. However, it takes courage, integrity and a desire for truth for an individual to overcome the incorrect concepts and prejudices that pollute the mind. Old, erroneous images that have been accepted without question, if challenged, will die very hard. A word to the wise: Studies show that American children watch an average of 32 hours of television each week (over 4.5 hours daily). What “truth”, what values, beliefs and messages about life are they recording? (Also, see NOTE #3, page 324.) What are family rituals? A ritual is a “doing” and is a predictable behavioral sequence which conveys family attitudes, emotions and values. This is done through repetitive action and can be of a traditional nature or in the form of new, spontaneous actions. Rituals function to convey the emotions and unspoken social values of the family system. They prescribe or limit social interaction, thereby setting up role expectations of how people should, or should not, behave in certain situations. (Also, see NOTE #4, page 324.) What are family rules? A rule is a generalization, abstraction and description of what is going on behaviorally. There are “must do” rules and “must not do” rules. “Don’t talk, don’t feel, and don’t trust!” are injunctive rules often conveyed by nonbehavior (nonbehaviors are what we do not do). Rules sometimes dictate behavior at the expense of personal needs and personality differences. Good rules allow for growth, change and differences in family members, while bad rules “close” the family and seek only to maintain the dysfunctional balance. Dysfunctional families have dysfunctional rules. (Also, see NOTE #5, page 325.) What are family myths? Myths are tales told repeatedly about the family, its history, and the virtues or failings of outstanding members. These stories help define for the coming generations who we are as a family and what we stand for. Myths carry a message, often a moral, and can be factual or totally false. Sometimes a moral or message can be conveyed just as well in a funny or mostly untrue story. It is the impact, and how well the emotionally charged message is transmitted that is important in the setting of a myth, and not its accuracy or truth. The function of a myth is to teach accepted family beliefs and philosophies. (Also, see NOTE #6, page 325.) What is the "Multigenerational Transmission Process"? This term refers to the fact that the family ego mass, with all its good as well as all its dysfunction, passes from one generation to the next. What gets passed on? The whole of the family ego mass. When we study family systems over several generations we are able to identify many types of dysfunctional belief systems and behavior patterns that continue to show up in one generation after another. Children learn how to cope with life’s problems and anxieties by watching and copying their parents. (Also, see NOTE #7, page 326.) What about fusion? Fusion is the natural process of becoming a product of the system, or becoming “one” with the family ego mass. This means that the child thinks, believes, does and becomes what the family system dictates. Becoming fused is losing sight of who “self” is, who “self” wants to be, or never even realizing that “self” can and should be free to be whatever “self” wants. When we are fused with the family ego mass we look for it to tell us what to do and how to think. (Also, see NOTE #8, page 326.) What is your "Basic Self"? Who are you, really? An essential element of differentiation (separating from the family ego mass) is the identification and understanding of one’s basic self, true self, or as Bowen calls it, the “solid self”. The basic, or solid self does not participate in the fusion phenomenon! This “self” speaks from the responsible “I” position and is able to say, “This is who I am, what I believe, and what I stand for.” This is the part of you that is nonnegotiable. The basic self is comprised of personal and clearly defined beliefs, opinions, boundaries, principles and convictions that have been internalized from one’s own life experiences by the process of intellectual reasoning and careful consideration of all the alternatives involved in the choice. The basic self assumes full personal responsibility for all choices. (Also, see NOTE #9, page 327 and Chapter 4 on Family Government.) What is your "Pseudo Self"? The pseudo self is the “pretend” self, cre ated and molded by social and emotional pressures. It is acquired to conform with the environment so that the person will be accepted and liked, not rejected and made to feel stupid. This pseudo self is a phony, a counterfeit, com promised for the sake of feeling loved and valued. This false self is a lie and a betrayer of the basic, true self. The pseudo self adopts discrepant and assorted principles that pretend (hypocrisy) to be in emotional harmony with a variety of social groups (institutions, businesses, religions) without being aware that the groups are inconsistent with each other. (Also, see NOTE #10, page 327.) How do I differentiate? The opposite of fusion is differentiation which is the process of breaking the spell of the hypnotic family ego mass and becoming our own “self”. Differentiation is separating yourself from the ego mass. The issue becomes one of either not yielding to the will of another, or yielding, and giving up “self” to become what someone else wants you to be. The process of differentiation generally follows several steps: 1. Recognition of one’s fusion with the family ego mass at the sacrifice of personal integrity, self and freedom. 2. Decision to, and the process of, separating one’s own feeling and thoughts from those of the family ego mass. (NOTE: One should not automatically reject all the values and belief systems of the family ego mass. This is unwise because there are probably many good and correct principles that should be kept.) 3. Differentiation of our own feelings from our own thought processes. When one is fused, there is also difficulty separating personal thinking and feeling processes within oneself. In other words, a person’s intellect is so flooded by “emotionality” that their total life’s course is determined by the emotional process and what “feels right” rather than by one’s own logical thinking. The process of differentiating (when "fused" with other persons) can employ such techniques as detriangulating and giving up secrets. Being undifferentiated can lead to varying levels of anxiety. (NOTE: Here we observe that fusion is not only a lack of differentiation between the person and the family ego mass, but also the lack of differentiation between a person’s own intellect and emotions.) Notice in the above graphic that the small circle represents the basic or true self. The large circle is the pretend self and is called by many names including pseudo self, counterfeit self, phony and artificial self; and is constructed: 1) to protect the basic self from any more rejection and humiliation, and 2) to be accepted and loved. Why do we construct phony, pretend selves? Because when young we feel criticized and rejected and not okay. We come to feel unworthy and flawed, as though something were wrong or lacking in us. This is very painful; therefore, to protect the true self from being hurt, we construct a pseudo self that we believe will be loved and accepted. The pseudo self plays all the games. We need to stop the games (phony selves communicating with phony selves) and communicate true self to true self.
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