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218 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Feb 4, 2000 5:30am Subject: The power within Dear Ellie At last, I tried your self-help measures. You know what? It works, right from the first try! Wow, I wish I had done this 6 months or so ago, when I first came to know your article! As you have suggested in your mail, I intend to work with your self-help measures a while and then decide whether to seek specialists help. I am really amazed at the amount of anger that I have in me and how it constantly tried to come out in the form of fear, shyness, etc. Regina Welcome aboard, I hope you find that the power of healing is within you. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Feb 4, 2000 9:58am Subject: Parents, teachers, and bosses Ellie- I'm glad you reclaimed your voice! Isn't it sad, the power adults have to negatively mold our consciousness when we're little. And even later, if we're not careful. But this work is so empowering that I think we can reclaim almost anything we've "lost." I'm still dealing with my parents' complete dismissal of my art and music talent. I've shown my silk paintings in a gallery, but my mother asked me not to send her any more of them as presents (after I sent her only 2). Not her style, I guess. But if I had a daughter who created artwork, I'd accept it because it was hers. Also, I learned a long time ago that if I mention my musical activities, they'll quickly change the subject. I had quite a fit once when my mother deliberately raved on and on very favorably about the artwork of a friend back home who is my age; she'd gone to visit him and had bought some of his art and sent me the letter on his stationery. This stuff doesn't bother me nearly as much now. I can write about it and not feel the pain at all, as I used to. My husband used to advise me to consider the source when dealing with my parents- that their growth is retarded and they can't possibly understand or be taught. I've realized for years, really, that "family" isn't always the people you lived in a house with when you were growing up! I'm sharing these thoughts in hopes that they'll help someone else who might be dealing with the rejection of who they are by their families. Love -- Shirely, I'm seeing red thinking of your mother not accepting your talents, and yes, my aunt cannot accept that I've discovered something wonderful. And she raves about the high paying jobs my cousins have and how expensive the flowers are they send her. She pretends to be supportive now that I've confronted her, but that 'put down' is a way they tried to keep us dependent on them, I suppose, and we continue to find our parents in other people later like teachers and bosses. I see it all as a reenactment and an opportunity to get the anger out. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Feb 4, 2000 10:05am Subject: Top Dogs and Underdogs Hi Ellie -- Thought a lot last night, while trying to fall asleep, about the personality types of co-dependancy. For years I've been fascinated with how our society frowns so heavily on the angry or sad co-dependent-- the "underdog," but turns a blind eye to the petty tyrants, manipulators, patronizers, patriarchs and ego-maniacs-- the "top dogs", who are equally co-dependent but engage in behavior that is more socially accepted. It's considered uncool to "react," but people can dish it out like crazy and nobody even notices it. Anger is the great taboo, especially for women. I was in an organization for many years where the guys would play all these power trips and act like such complete @@ses. It was just absurd. Their behavior was pretty much accepted. But if I called them on it and let them know I saw what was going on, that was a big no-no, and I was a bitch. Of course now I know to walk away from people who are like that, if I can. Also, now I think I could deal with them better, just because I feel so much more secure in my own okay-ness. Nevertheless, I'll be glad when the world gets over this terrible fixation with stuffing in feelings, especially anger, and looks at the whole picture. Then the Top Dog shall lie down with the Underdog (and they'll eat raw food) and there will be peace in the world ;-) . Love, Shirley BRAVO...BRILLIANT! And to boot we're supposed to vote for these 'petty tyrants, manipulators, patronizers, patriarchs and ego-maniacs-' Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Feb 5, 2000 2:40am Subject: Blood tests, BP, pulse, etc. During the detox crises (excitatory nervous symptoms) excess adrenaline is being released from neurons and flows through the blood stream. This means that some of the effects of adrenaline are intensified and can result in seemingly abnormal levels of various blood chemicals. If you have lab work done while you are in a detox crisis, you may find increased blood glucose, lactate, fatty acids, cholesterol, decreased thyroid hormone, decreased cortisol. During detox crises, there may be increased heart rate and pulse, increased blood pressure (especially systolic), increased oxygen consumption. If you are tested following a detox crisis when feeling depressed, these effects might be reversed, although there is overlap of excitatory and depressive action, so it's not cut and dried what will happen. Because adrenaline mobilizes fats from tissues, you may lose some weight. When post flood, unless you have permanent damage to tissues (which you are likely to know if you were severely ill and have resulting chronic dysfunction), these seemingly abnormal tests should normalize. I have some permanent damage (scar tissue on x-ray) to my pancreas (I had severe pancreatitis many times from all the prescription drugs and alcohol, 30 years non-stop) and my blood sugar tends to elevate after I eat sugar, but my metabolism of sugar is quite normal, so it's not a problem. Also I've found my blood sugar elevates less and less, so I think it may not be as permanent as I thought. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Feb 5, 2000 2:53am Subject: The Waltons Thomas Stone's book Cure by Crying has some good tips about finding movies to help trigger the emotions, both anger and grief. I read that prisoners are not being allowed to watch certain TV shows but encouraged to watch the Waltons. These prison officials think it will teach morals, but I hope some of the prisoners are into the self-help. I was attracted to The Waltons, it is a great trigger to get out the repressed anger at moralistic parents (poisonous pedagogy). Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Feb 5, 2000 3:28am Subject: They did the best they could Dear Ellie, I've been thinking about this anger redirecting. I think my first stumbling block in all of this is that I would find it difficult to redirect anger to my mother. Though I don't have any trouble being angry with my partner or her son. I know that there are things that I wish my mother would have done differently, and as I said in my earlier post, I wanted more than just to be told to go and wash my face when I was crying, but I find it difficult to get angry with my mother as I think she did the best she knew how. I can't recall any huge issues from my childhood, but a lot of it was the subtle things that I picked up on. I feel a bit silly but these are some of the little things that I can remember. There was a point when I was a little older when my mother told me that I was ugly and that I should start wearing make-up. I can't remember ever been told off as such, but then I didn't get any encouragement either or my report cards from school weren't commented on - I presume they did get read. I also used to think that mum wasn't the sort of mum you're supposed to have as she had a drinking problem and would pass out in shopping centers etc. And there was a one off episode where I was molested in a boarding house that my mum ran and though the incident itself didn't upset me, I knew that there was something not quite right about it and now feel that my mother should have supervised me better so things like this wouldn't have happened to me. I guess I just feel that no one took a particular interest in me or my stuff generally. I could go on but this might just give you an idea of what I mean. So if you have any thoughts on my stumbling block of redirecting anger to my mother, please let me know. I have had a bit of a look in the archives so I get the idea of how this list works. Blessings, Tina
Of course our parents did the best they could...they too were victims of the same, often subtle abuse. You might read Alice Miller's book, For Your Own Good. I was never physically abused or yelled at, but left in my crib to cry because my mother thought that was the best thing to do. BUT the damage was intense. Because the neural pathways are clogged up where memories of early trauma are stored, it's not possible to remember what happened to you as a baby, which is when the most of the damage is done, and when we set up the pattern of suppressing justifiable anger. If you are OVERLY angry at your partner or her son, ie out of proportion to the situation, this means some of the anger is from your childhood, and it's an opportunity to go and pound on a bed, and redirect it back to your parents while thinking about them. Don't worry if you don't have any specific childhood events in minds when doing this. And don't think about how your parents did the best they could while doing this. When all the anger it out, you will feel love and understanding for them. That your mother said you were ugly is a terrible thing for a mother to do...I'm seeing red just thinking about it....and you need to do some real raging at her while thinking about her...more pounding on the bed.. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Feb 5, 2000 1:18am Subject: Put downs from parents > Ellie, Yes the putdowns IS a way of keeping us dependent on them, never thought of that way, but that makes complete sense. And to Shirley's artwork and her parents neglecting to acknowledge her talent, I can relate, since I am now in business and I make most of my gift items, I have always done this, I once about 15 years ago gave my mother a box I had painted and put flowers and bows on top, was gorgeous, gave to several other people and my daughter and I had one we loved it. The next day, my mother was having a garage sale and it was on the table in the garage sale, I looked and it and picked it up and she said, 'oh I wasn't going to sell it, I just wanted to see what people thought', I told her GIVE ME A BREAK. Well, she was mad at me for several months and wouldn't talk, you know I should have been the one mad and not talked. At the time I went through the anger and grief of the rejection of one of my creations, she could have just put in closet or something, she knew I was coming to the garage sale to help her. She just didn't give a flying f..... as long as she could make a buck off it, I told her if you wanted to sell it, I would make her more to sell. I went through the anger and grief and realized during my redirecting, that she would never put up my artwork on the frig like other mothers, she was a perfectionist, so I decided at the time, since I didn't even know I was redirecting, to get angry at her for that instead, all those artworks I did, and my friends all had theirs displayed on their refrigerators, I swore then my children would always have artwork displayed and they always did. So Shirley I can relate, my parents have never seen my 'artwork' now, my mother did manage to come into my shop on a day I wasn't there only came into one room, there are 8 rooms in the shop and left a message she came by to see my 'crafts'. mom. and she wrote in the tiniest letters ,printing you can imagine. I heard yesterday there is something wrong with her mind from a cousin of mine. Guess the toxic chemicals are paying their dues on her, poor soul. Man has she missed out on a lot of good times. Sally 225 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Feb 5, 2000 1:38am Subject: Memories of early trauma Ellie, I also when I wrote back to my brother, he has sent me via email a picture of his new 5 year old daughter on an attachment, I wrote back a separate email and said (his daughter) looks exactly like me when I was her age. When I looked in her eyes, I almost remembered something about what he had done to me as a child, but then it faded. It's going to come out isn't it, I just have this feeling I'm going to remember soon. I do remember once we were all over at my cousins house -no grownups around, I don't think I've told you this, I hope not to bore you, I was maybe 5 or 6 years old, I remember being huddled, curled up against the bed, cause all my cousins and my brother had been 'experimenting' with sex in other rooms, they were all older than me, anywhere from 4-5 years older, I was crying, cause they had all tried touching me and I didn't want to, my brother said, you are going to let me or I'll tell on you. I didn't do anything, and I started screaming and my mother came in and they all lied to her and she grabbed me up and took me home and whipped me and said, it was my fault, cause if I hadn't been in there it wouldn't have happened. I once told my brother I was not the little girl all huddle in a corner anymore. My cousin who was a party to it too, I confronted a few years ago and he didn't remember anything about it, but he repented and said he was sorry, he tried dealing with things and it got so overwhelming the way his dad treated him on the performance thing, he took a gun and killed himself. So tragic, this was 3 years ago, he and I had gotten very close as friends, but I didn't see it coming. Sally How tragic, yes...he turned his anger inward. About the early memories coming back...they may eventually surface in bits and pieces. This won't work early on in recovery, but you are so far along it might work for you. You might try a meditative way of remembering, just lie on the bed and flash back in time to around when you think something happened and see what comes to mind. This is what they do in Dianetics. It's also what happens in primal therapy, but I DONT recommend doing this for people who are not REDIRECTING, because self primalling can bring up too many emotions, and it is dangerous psychologically. It also is not likely to work for people who are not pretty much post flood. AFTER I was post flood I tried this and flashed back to birth and could recall some of it, like being wrapped too tightly. And also being held upside down. During that week I did this I developed bruise marks on my legs where I was held upside down, it was part of the healing. Janov has pictures of this sort of thing. I even flashed back prebirth, and found myself yanking on the cord and kicking my mother (I still had some anger at her, the muddy basin). Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Feb 5, 2000 5:13am Subject: Anger turned inward > Dear Ellie, >
> Thank you for your thoughts. I was feeling quite out of sorts earlier on tonight so I made my first attempt at the redirecting of anger. I had thought that I would not find it somehow right for me to pound on the bed but someone had given me a drum recently (quite timely) so I thought I would have a go at using that. >
> What came to me out of the blue when I was banging my drum and thinking of my mother was that I became extremely angry that she'd even brought me into this world. I kept thinking that if she hadn't had me then I wouldn't have had a lifetime of coping mechanisms just to get me through. She gave up 2 kids before me (to a different father) and I kept thinking that she should have looked after them and not had me at all. Then I would not have had to deal with all this crap. I didn't really feel relieved afterwards as I had expected, but rather a feeling of despondency. As in - what's the point? Why am I here anyway? What's the point to this whole life thing? It hit me like a 'boom' when I was drumming that I was never meant to be here. So please tell me if this is right or if there's something I'm not doing. I would really like to hear your thoughts. Blessings, Tina Dear Tina, "I became extremely angry that she'd even brought me into this world" Sounds like when you were banging on the drum, but thinking you wished she had not had you, you were directing anger, not at her, but at YOURSELF. This is akin to suicidal thought...wanting to destroy yourself, and it is anger turned inward. Try it again, but get mad at your mother, not for bringing you into the world, but for bringing you in and then not loving you. You wouldn't have all the crap if she had loved you and nourished you emotionally. Give her hell with that drum, and don't think about 'she did the best she could'... you are getting angry at her disease, not at her soul....direct the anger at her...not at yourself by wishing she had not had you. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Feb 6, 2000 3:07am Subject: It gets worse before getting better > Dear Ellie, >
> I tried again today to redirect the anger and this time I went to the bed and pounded on the pillow. Again I was feeling a bit strange before hand so I thought it might help. I had no specific thoughts in mind when I was pounding but I got angry at my mother for whatever happened or didn't happen when I was young that manifested into the sort of person I am now. I did feel a little bit better afterwards but I have found that since I've been off my medication, especially lately that I am crying a lot and feeling despondent and worthless, without security. Also a mix of anger and fear but these are not in relation to *anything* - even my crying doesn't seem to be because I am upset over anything. This is how it has always been when I am not on any medication. A lot of my feelings seem to be based on fear - of what I'm not sure. Sometimes it just feels like everything - fear of everything. I did get the book that you recommended today "For Your Own Good" by Alice Miller and another one - "Banished Knowledge" also by her. My feelings seem to be worse in the last couple of days. I just go about my daily things and they just start. Blessings, Tina
Dear Tina, 'feeling despondent and worthless,' more anger turned inward, try to do some more pounding when you feel this way. It's your parent's voices in your head telling you - 'you are worthless'. Say..."Get out of my head" And the fear (it doesn't matter what it's about) is a trigger for more anger that wants to get out and be redirected...when you pound just think of your parents and any other people from your past who were similar to your parents, ie teachers, ministers (who may have preached that anger is a sin) doctors, bosses, any who may have put you down. Just get angry at all of them, even if you have no specific memories of how they may have put you down. You might write a brief autobiography of your childhood relationships, not in detail, but just about your early family members and later relationships, to give you a list of past abusers. It doesn't matter that your fear and anger and crying seem unrelated to anything, they are all triggers that repressed anger wants out and needs to be redirected to past abusers. The moods swings are likely to get worse before they subside. After really getting angry you may feel 'high' and later depressed. Then something will trigger another detox crisis and if you release and redirect anger you should feel better again. It's a periodic detoxification process. The detox crises, which are the symptoms, are like a withdrawal from drugs, only the drugs are endogenous, (not taken in) ie substances in the brain that have drugged your emotions. Go through the fear and get the anger out. Ellie 228 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Feb 6, 2000 3:22am Subject: A message of love to Tina > Ellie -- > I can relate to Tina's inward-directing dilemma - I did that, too, when I first started. But I quickly got the hang of redirecting my anger instead of wanting to take it out on myself. I think it's true that once you try it you'll never (or almost never) go back to "beating up on yourself." I, too, had feelings about "Well, they did the best they could, so should I be angry" when I started. But one has to realize that the anger is still valid and one can later feel genuine love and compassion, after they're healed. You're not being "naughty." :-) All that guilt we're enculturated with, about always being nice, always seeing the best in every situation, going the extra mile, turning the other cheek (slap me again!). There's a truth there, for sure, but there's a great lie in it, as well, if it causes us to be completely disabled or masochistic. I used to think that even if someone was awful to me, I should not only forgive them, but that forgiveness should entail getting to know them and perhaps have them over for dinner and become buddies!! And every time I had anger or resentment at someone, I felt horribly guilty and self-destructive afterwards. I wear at least one piece of red clothing or jewelry every day now, to both honor the "anger" and - more and more now - to honor the genuine love, creativity and joy that are rushing as my anger is released in this work. We deserve it! Rage now. Reconciliation - if appropriate - later. Would that be fair to say? One last thought - this work is not making my relationship with my parents worse. I send them an e-mail every week, and I notice I'm not getting uptight about things that bothered me a few weeks ago, like my dad's constant nasty jokes about democrats (I'm a democrat, they're rep.) or the fact he always signs his full first and last name, never "Dad," etc. I can laugh at it now, whereas it burned me up before. So people shouldn't be afraid of this work causing further alienation. Nothing could be further from the truth. > Love -- Shirley
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Feb 6, 2000 3:39am Subject: More love for Tina > Ellie, I can also relate to Tina, my mother used to say I was ugly too, so I'm told for years I am beautiful, do I believe it, I am a little now, but on off days, I have to rehearse in the mirror I am a beautiful, wonderful person, totally accepted, fully loved and fully appreciated by the One who created me. Been doing this for 5 years off and on and it works, cause deep down inside I know my mother lied to me, she also used to say, 'don't you lie through those crooked teeth', I had crooked teeth and she wouldn't put braces on them, in my late 20's I got braces myself, during the time I first started redirecting, I took the pliers and yanked the braces off my teeth, and I was getting so close to time to have them taken off and get retainer, but I yanked them off, it was a way I released my anger, inappropriately, my teeth aren't exactly straight now but much better than before but it doesn't even bother me, I used to hate my teeth, now I don't. There is no telling what was said to my mother as a child to make her do that and she never has tried healing. Sally Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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