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246 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Feb 14, 2000 2:57am Subject: Re: Headaches > Dear Ellie > How are you doing? How was your article received by the Schizophrenia bulletin? I hope everything went well. > > I have a question for you: Recently I have started to get persistent headaches. They appear when I am going through a period of grief and anger (who would have known. I still have a lot of grief and anger about my past). Are these symptoms or recovery, or should I be worried? Love, Frank Dear Frank, Thanks for asking. I sent articles to many psych journals, but they were rejected, which is fine, and I haven't heard from Schiz Bull. The original article is now published in Medical Hypotheses, and that is all I need to present it to the public and prison officials. The New York City Dept of Mental Health is behind me now. Their Commissioner, a psychiatrist, used to work in my Dept. of Psychiatry, where the research for the toxic mind theory was done. I have been aware all along that my sending articles to psych journals was a way for me to confront psychiatry about the abuses I (and many others) suffered in their hands, and a way to get my anger out about that. Of course I hope all the editors and committees who peer reviewed it will be confronted and maybe get into recovery themselves. One editor of a journal on Addictions sent me a nasty note saying it was obviously a spoof, 'ha ha,' he wrote and signed it 'Laughter' I told him clearly that his hostility disguised as humor told me he was in denial about his own addictions...and who knows it may trigger his own recovery someday. Once a doctor wrote on my chart, which I wasn't supposed to see, that I was addicted to sedatives. I was afraid of him after that, but it stayed in my mind, and helped me hit a bottom later. Headaches, not to worry, yes, all a sign of toxins flowing out through the blood stream, not necessarily from the brain... could be toxins from food or the environment. Just because they make the head hurt doesn't necessarily mean they are from the emotional detox. Blood flows everywhere. I still get mild headaches when my diet isn't perfect, which it never will be. But if they are worse when you're going through anger and grief, they may be from that, and knowing you are in the muddy basin period, they could persist. Love, Ellie 247 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Feb 14, 2000 3:20am Subject: Re: Don't Get Glad, Get Mad Love the advice! We all need to hear it several times and practice it many times before it really sinks in and we see how much better life can be. My husband has always known that artificial sweetness and light don't work and aren't healthy. When someone used to really get under my skin with mean or hostile behavior, he'd always tell me to "consider the source." I'd say, "But honey, we have to forgive them and love the Light in them," etc., etc. (But I'd be miserable and really felt like strangling them. ;-) And my natural-born-yogi mate would say, "Yes, but just as long as you remember this: They may have the presence of God in them, but they're still steaming turds, and steaming turds smell and you should stay away from them." And I'd still be falling all over myself trying to intellectualize that they were okay and I was the one who was wrong, while inwardly feeling and sensing that they WERE indeed wrong. I'd internalize my anger, and then I'd really be confused and depressed. But NOT ANYMORE!!! Now I find I can have my little snit over someone's behavior to me if I need to (sometimes it's unnecessary), and get over it almost immediately, and afterward I can move on and forget about it. I think only now that I can allow myself to feel my anger, hurt, rage, etc., can I also be clear enough to have unconditional love of a HEALTHY sort-- not self-destructive or self-immolating, even for others who are difficult to love. My heart goes out to others who are struggling with this issue. Just know that you shouldn't have to twist yourself into knots of pain and self-condemnation in the face of abuse, in order to be a "good" person. It will all clear up as you keep doing the redirecting, and confrontation won't be such a big deal down the line. > Love -- Shirley 248 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Feb 14, 2000 3:24am Subject: Who is the victim Re: Typical response to being confronted. "IF I did something to upset you, forgive me." the IF is a denial you did anything wrong in first place...Sally I love it...yes, the abuser becomes the victim. Ellie
I just read the e-mail from Shirley and it spoke to a conflict that I have been having as a Christian in doing the anger redirecting. I am a little frustrated in that I don't see a lot in the bible about anger and how to deal with it. It may be that at that time people were so much freer with expressing their emotions and even now I find that Jewish people are often very direct in their emotions. If anything people may have needed to temper their responses with self-discipline. I am only speculating about this because as a Christian I am looking to the bible for answers about life. Anyway, I find looking through the book of Psalms that David would pour out his heart to God and often he would rage about some situation or person even asking God to take care of them in violent and horrible ways. It seemed he would get out all his negative feelings and anger and very often if not always he would end up praising God for His many attributes and affirming his love and trust for God no matter what would happen to him in this life. A bible teacher told me once that the Book of Psalms is a book of mental health because in it you can find every emotion that a human being can experience. I thought this might help some other Christians out there who might be struggling like I am. Also, I finally got to sleep a little more last night and don't feel as sick or worried. I hope I can prepare myself for the next detox a little so that it wont be as scary. I don't think I could do this without a coach Ellie, Thanks for being there. Dear Carol, I find the Bible (Old and New Testament) is full of support for getting the anger out and redirecting it. I think Shirley is talking about FEELING the anger, and as she said after doing the redirecting confrontation won't be a big deal. There is no need to 'temper' our anger with 'self discipline' while using the measures. We are not going against the real truth of Jesus message. We are not attacking anyone, not even our parents... we are angry, not at their souls, but at their disease. And I believe this is how Jesus meant for us to do it. And I'm always glad to hear the Jewish people keeping the memory of the Holocaust green and continuing to get their anger out. And the Chinese are frowning on meditative religions that suppress anger. I think the one family system in China has meant that children were less abused, and are more in touch with their anger. They expressed it when their Embassy in Belgrade was bombed. I think these people who expressed it will never be the ones to wage war. And I feel angry when I hear ministers go to scenes of terrorism and tell the victims not to get angry, but to forgive. Forgiveness only comes when all the anger is out. Anger is a God given healthy emotion. It's when it gets repressed that it becomes rage, and then is misdirected. I was a secretary at an Episcopal church and typed the Lectionary, but churches have left out much of what Jesus said. The Old Testament has much more, as you said. 'Let not the sun go down on your anger,' etc. In Psalms 4 there is "Be angry and do not sin. This is also in the New T in Ephesians 4:26. The New T. word for sin is an archery term that means...'missing the mark...I think this means misdirecting anger...Wrong Neurons! The repressed anger we have is repressed rage that was once all justifiable anger. Once this is out using the self-help measures, we are no longer angry people. Then our anger is mild and there is no need to "temper responses with self-discipline." Yes, David and Jonah and others raged at God, and I think this is good. God can take it, because I think God knows we are not raging at him but at that notion of him (her or Energy) as a parental authority that was often instilled in us. We are really raging justifiably at our parents sickness, and this what we have to do to become healthy, non-violent people. Jesus had plenty of anger and expressed it freely in is admonitions...like "you hypocrites, etc.. He turned over tables and told the authorities off in no uncertain terms. Jesus was not shy about having his anger and got crucified for it. If you read his words in a Red Letter Testament, it's all there. In Matthew 10:34 he says.. 'Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace but a sword. I am come to set a man at variance with is father, and a daughter against her mother...And a man's foes shall be they of his own household." I think he is talking about the need to have anger at our parents in order to heal. He rebuked his mother and then also the many authority figures who probably represents his parents. By the time he taught his disciples how to go and help others heal, they had released their own anger, so he could say to them things like 'Be ye mild as doves, and wise as serpents.' Once all the anger is out, we don't have to confront others with intense anger anymore, but can do it calmly. I hesitate to put too much on the list about religion. I am not religious, as I think religions have misunderstood Jesus's message, and are highly codependent. I believe the Christian religions in their denial have suppressed much of his teaching, probably unconsciously because they misunderstood it. Jesus kept saying "Let him who hath ears hear." And I think we on this lists have heard the true message. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Tue Feb 15, 2000 1:33am Subject: Re: Religion Dear Ellie, By self-discipline I did not mean stuffing anger. I think the people of Christ's time were much more violent types, and I'm sure they did not go to their tents and beat on pillows to get their anger out. I see them as much more likely to resort to violence rather than have any self-control. I think that self-control or discipline is necessary in a civilized culture and I know you don't advocate raging at people but having our anger out in private. I guess I did not express myself clearly and I do not want to be misunderstood. When Jesus spoke about setting members of a household against one another he was referring to his message about who he was and what he had been sent to do. This did cause families to reject one another and still does. Jesus was crucified because He claimed to be. God and to the Jewish authorities of that day that was a crime worthy of death. [My personal belief about what this means] I don't need to say any more about the bible, I only did it because I know there must be other people like me out there thinking about these things and some who might not even try the redirecting because they think it goes against the scriptures. I thought this for a while and am still trying to sort things out. Anyway hope I communicated my thoughts to you a little more clearly. I hear what you say about not hating people's souls but their sickness and that helps, in a way, to me it's like hating the lies and deceptions that have plagued men for centuries and caused such misery and disease. I think that Jesus came to teach us the truth to set us free from the lies, unfortunately everyone seems to have a different interpretation of what he meant, and those misinterpretations have put us in bondage. I guess we do the best we can and ask God to help us understand. Love, Carol Dear Carol, Thank you for your clarification, and I too think that self control is needed, but I see this as a need to redirect the anger privately and not to blast our abusers directly. I have no way of knowing if Jesus told his followers to beat on pillows, but I do think he helped people get their anger out...he got his own anger out... and according to what I have read he never claimed to be a king or God... when confronted with that I think his words were...'you say I am.' I think he confronted authority figures and in their denial they retaliated. Others who are doing this work now find they identify with Jesus' story and find it supportive of this way of healing. I like what you said about asking God to help us understand. My constant prayer is 'Thy will' and when I asked for understanding--there is a hymn I often hum..."God be in my head"...this gift of understanding the biology and developing the self-help measures to speed recovery was my answer. Ellie
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Tue Feb 15, 2000 8:15pm Subject: Self discipline Dear Carol, I was weary and replied to quickly to your post about self-discipline, or perhaps I didn't understand it, but self-control and self-discipline are the very things that caused us to suffer. They are ways to stuff justifiable anger and make the brain and mind toxic. Recovery is not about becoming a rageful person...but it is about temporarily losing control...getting that excess anger out (and of course redirecting it) and then having normal emotions...mild anger when appropriate. As Sally wrote, self-discipline is not needed when we are post flood. Sadly, most religions are groups of very codependent people, whose minds are still toxic and do not understand this. You might want to reread the article to see how this works in the brain. Ellie
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Wed Feb 16, 2000 2:00am Subject: Re: Welcome to Depression-Anxiety > > hi I am new to this list I have of course read the article and have some questions, how do I redirect the anger when I'm always taking care of my 3year old its hard to be able to just get away and I don't want to scare him, any ideas also I have OCD, does this help that? Edith A big welcome to you. I chose Edith as a pseudonym for you since you didn't send one. Yes, of course you don't want to scare your son. I hope you can find a place where he cannot hear you and do some pounding on a bed, but don't worry if you can't raise your voice. Most of us have had to do this in apartments or places where we didn't want to be heard. It is a detox in the brain, so what is more important than yelling is the thinking process in the brain, ie in the mind. It's about mentally redirecting anger. So you can do it all the time in your mind. If you can get into the shower and do some yelling and banging on the walls, that will help too. Perhaps you could even tell your son you are going to pound the dirt out of some blankets in your bed room and not to be frightened of the noise. You will find ways. I want to recommend an excellent book for you to use with your son called Tears and Tantrums, by Aletha Solter. A number of people who have used the self help measures have small children and have found this book helped them to help their children release some stored up emotions too. Here is Solter's web site, or Amazon.com should have it. http://www.awareparenting.com/ Ellie PS OCD will eventually be a thing of the past. 255 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Wed Feb 16, 2000 2:12am Subject: Garden of Eden > Ellie, don't you just love the natural 'growling'. I had not thought of that before I started writing. I have noticed alot of insights lately, creativity is alot higher when the pathways are clearer. > I cannot believe my eating patterns have changed so drastically. I get hungry, I got for a raw cucumber, or an orange or better yet, cut up orange, apple and banana, and the juice of the orange flavors the apples so wonderfully, like my taste buds are more enhanced to receive flavor. This is just NOT like me, I have always been a choco-holic type, sweets. but not anymore, I feel better than I really ever have, what is most wonderful, is I used to have blue Mondays, had depression years ago but for past few years noticed on Mondays they were down, I'd have hard time figuring out what to do to alleviate it, but nothing helped, I don't have it anymore, it just went, I have been doing as you know 'heavy' redirecting on every matter, just automatically, not shoveling under the rug, hoping I wouldn't find later. But dealing with as it comes along. I just have this desire to, is all I know, the benefits have been wonderful, wish I had not taken so long and drawn this out so long for all these years, I just didn't know HOW beneficial -to intensity of the benefits, more aware now. Kinda like eating properly -you feel good after good nourishing food, so you want to eat more of the same, not more of what made you feel rotten. I have had alot of redirecting to do with my employee, she can't seem to do anything right lately, poor thing, she asks off every week, so last week, I have her starting this week 2 days off a week, she wants off, she got it, and I confronted her about it, after I had redirected, so there wasn't the anger outburst, the last straw was at my husbands mothers funeral, she called and wanted the next day off, I was so furious, I envisioned myself throwing my cell phone across the street and watching it shatter in a million pieces, then I envisioned throwing it at my parents who were always asking absurd things of me, putting me behind on my own work, whether it was homework or after I got married and had a family of my own, they were always wanting something from me, never giving. So I threw the phone at them and it shattered before their eyes, should have seen the look on their faces, my outburst, they were appalled and I could envision them and my saying, 'don't stand there like you don't know why I'm angry, you ignorant self centered people, you just flat didn't know what you were doing.' > I want you to know if I feel much better people will wonder what is wrong with me, no one can feel this much better, I noticed today I had to go to several stores and run errands, and I hold my shoulders back more and my walk is different, I was wondering what that is all about, I can't even remember how I walked before, but this is different, started a few days ago, like some new found confidence or release. Can't explain, yet. Sally
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Wed Feb 16, 2000 6:30am Subject: Re: weight loss > Ellie, 'the hunching up of your shoulders', reminds me just a few months back I'd wake up with my shoulders all hunched up, all the way up to my ears, I would have severe shoulder pain, this lasted for weeks, that's when I began this last most intensive work. This morning I thought of something you said once, but want to make sure it was you, that you begin to lose weight, is this right. I am losing weight without effort. As I am about 40 lbs. over the weight chart, not that that is the weight I desire, cause I don't. But gives you an idea, I have tried over the past 15 years to lose weight repeatedly only to fail at it, so I gave up trying, and I actually quit gaining. Now it is just falling off, about 2 lbs. a week, and I feel better than I ever have, one thing I noticed is my breasts have lost alot of puffiness. Are some of the toxins stored in the breasts. Cause I haven't lost but about 6lbs. And I've done that before and my breasts didn't shrink like they are now. It's wonderful because I can actually 'fit' into my bra. Just wondering if this is part of the process during that last 5%. > Sally
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