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174 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Jan 17, 2000 5:25am Subject: Confessions of a schizophrenic Thank you for your support of my article for Schizophrenia Bulletin. It's meant as a confrontation to psychiatry. If they reject it I'll put it on one of my sites, hoping it will trigger recovery for some who are mentally ill as I was. It's interesting how Bellevue has played such a part in my life. I live two blocks away from Bellevue and pass by it often when I head for the NYU Medical Library. I spent six weeks as a patient there in my early twenties. Then in my thirties I went to work for my first psychiatrist in a small laboratory we fixed up in a kitchen on the third floor of Bellevue, just down the hall from where I had been as a patient. It was in this lab we discovered the toxin in urine of schizophrenic patients. This finding provided the first evidence for the toxic mind theory. The old Bellevue building is now a shelter for the homeless. Now that the City of NY is going to distribute my pamphlets to the homeless, maybe someone will be sitting on the very bed where I sat--those iron beds would last forever--reading the pamphlet. Gives me the chills. There is an excellent article by John A. Speyrer, editor of the Primal Psychotherapy Page, in which he recounts the psychotic but healing experiences of a schizophrenic, during which she redirected anger. She says at the end of her experience "Every nerve and fiber in my whole body registered the effect of what I had been through. My whole chemistry had changed. Truly I was a different person." You can see the toxic mind theory is not new with me. In fact a doctor, John H. Tilden, wrote early last century, "Drunkenness and crime of all kinds are vicarious toxin eliminations--crises to toxemia." http://home.att.net/~jspeyrer/mystica.htm Ellie 175 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Jan 17, 2000 11:51am Subject: They pretended to love us. To Sally, Ellie, etc. I recall very vividly a time when I was ill with a urinary tract infection. I was about 5 years old and I was in a lot of pain. I wanted my mother to hold me in her arms, and I remember her rejection. She was and still is a very cold woman. She would never hug me. She thought that I already knew that she loved me and that that was enough! I felt a lot of rejection as a child and learned to reject myself as a result. I was also very obese, as I had found food as a source of salvation and nurturing. Mary Ellie, The 'people pleasing' like placating with me is most offensive, the real them isn't showing up... Sally Thank you both for reminding me of that coldness and the superficial 'people pleasing' ways of my mother, and that she really did reject me as a person. I have to be careful not to suppress anger in current interactions. My aunt was pretending to be very supportive of my theory and my having reached the Mayor with the suggestion that pamphlets be given to the homeless. 'Wonderful' she said. But when I told her I didn't want any publicity she said, 'That's right, you don't want that.' It's OK for me to say that I don't want it because I would get lots of flack too, but for her to say it was a big put down, and made me realize her support was just 'people pleasing' and insincere. So I need to have my anger at her...if I don't I'm in for some future symptoms and depression. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Wed Jan 19, 2000 11:50am Subject: 'Feel good' therapy Dear Ellie, As I cleaned up my Microsoft Word files last night, I was amazed at the changes I've made since that day in November that I discovered your website. As I looked through my ramblings and writings, in which I was trying to "pump myself up" to feel better with positive words and little metaphysical pep talks, which in retrospect is kind of sad, since it wasn't working at all, and I did it day after day after day, never giving up, I realized all of that stopped the very day I found your website and realized there was something tangible I could do to get well. Shirley Yes, all that power of positive thinking never worked for me. I get a good laugh watching the Golden Girls on TV go to one of those 'feel good' groups where everyone sits around smiling at each other saying...'you are beautiful'. The Golden Girls know better and split and go home and get their anger out at each other...wrong neurons...but anyway they get it out. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Thu Jan 20, 2000 0:35pm Subject: Pamphlet Please print out the article as a one page Pamphlet so you can refer to it when you have questions. Print page one of the attached PDF file on one side of a sheet of paper and page two on the other side. Other languages are available as Pamphlets on my web sites. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Jan 21, 2000 4:55am Subject: Pseudonyms Hi Ellie, I've been using your method for a couple of weeks and it is wonderful to finally have "permission" to get angry. I've found that my way of releasing the anger is to loudly cuss and tell the perpetrator exactly why I'm mad. Yelling, throwing things or pounding the bed don't seem to work nearly as well for getting my ya-ya's out. I know I'm releasing energy though, because when I do it in the house, my dogs come running and look very worried. After the storm subsides, I also do a little forgiveness. I acknowledge that the person I'm angry at had their own problems, their own reasons (however misguided) for doing what they did. This doesn't feel like making excuses for them, more like it adds balance to the process and keeps the person human, not a monster, making it realistic. This seems to work well for me, what do you think? Am I still reprogramming the neurons this way? Thank you for the web site and the information. I think it is going to be enormously helpful in my recovery. Peggy Dear Peggy, Sounds great what you are doing, and yes that all clears neural pathways. Are you referring though to just current people in your life as perpetrators? Its important to have your anger at them, but if it is intense and out of proportion to the current situation, much of the anger is from childhood, and needs to be redirected to parents even if you don't recall any specific childhood trauma. I'll post this to the list...hope that's OK with you...let me know if it's not...I'll use Phyllis as a pseudonym if that' OK with you. Ellie
I've been doing awareness/mindfulness work with a therapist for a couple of months, so I am paying attention to how much of the feelings are appropriate to the current situation and how much are not. I'm also using the method when I just feel "crappy" and don't know why. It has helped me to see what's going on inside my own head. I'm finding lots of false beliefs that I'm functioning under and yelling at my parents for planting those beliefs. I don't mind at all if you use my emails, but I'd actually be more comfortable if you use my own first name. That protects my anonymity as well as my honesty. Peggy
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Jan 21, 2000 3:34pm Subject: Craving Just so you know I don't always do it right myself...I tend to want to put things on the list that are only positive so as to be encouraging...I was craving some junk food this week. I finally realized I was stuffing some anger (misdirecting it inward) and needed to deal with that. It reminds me how easy it is to avoid feeling hurt and angry, and how it's better to feel it and get the anger out to avoid future symptoms...but it's also OK not to do it right too. Even if I have a symptom like craving, it's minor, and nothing like the raging addictions and depression I had most of my life. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Jan 22, 2000 7:21am Subject: Not guilty! Ellie, Glad it's okay not to do it right, I just jumped down the throat of a good friend, I did, I just wasn't going to take what she was saying...Sally I did this many times. Until all my repressed anger about my childhood was out, I sometimes blasted people out of proportion to the situation. But what I know now about this being a physiological process of detoxing neurochemicals, and that the anger gets misdirected because of clogged up neural pathways...this relieves me of any guilt. I sometimes made amends if my anger was really so intense that it was inappropriate, but if I felt any guilt, I knew it was just more anger turned inward. WE ARE INNOCENT of all this misdirecting..... Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Jan 23, 2000 1:39pm Subject: Craving As I've mentioned before, I eat Instinctively, which means I eat all raw food in its natural state. What tastes delicious my body needs and what tastes bad is not good for me. The bad includes denatured foods, which no longer taste delicious and are toxic. Last week I wanted...craved...some peanut date rolls and had a couple. The peanuts used are roasted, ie denatured. But toxic foods are stimulants, and as in homeopathy, can trigger needed detox events. I may have craved them because I had toxic peanuts in the past or because of some repressed anger. Until all the repressed anger is out we are likely to crave some toxic foods from time to time. And we can easily have some repressed anger even post flood because it is so easy to suppress anger in current interactions. What Coco did below to get the anger out before eating the toxic food is a better technique. Ellie
I can't remember if I wrote to you about an experience that I had few weeks ago. I was alone in the house in an hunting gathering kind of mood looking for something denatured to stuff in "I don't know what". I found a left over in a package of corn chips in my stepson room (he is representing for me old hurtfull feeling). When I started to grab it I recognized some anger, a kind of vengeance desire. I thought about you and decide to give it a trial. I just got mad at the mattress with my whole body (didn't let it fully express itself tho, but it was enough to stop the craving) so it works, til that moment I was trying to redirect my anger mentally, it was the 1st time that I try to let my whole body to act on it. Coco
Ellie
Ellie
183 From: Elnora Van Winkle > Date: Mon Jan 24, 2000 9:11am Subject: Meditation Good insights on meditation. I was just talking last night to my husband about this! When I was really deep in depression and anger I couldn't meditate at all -- forget it! Now I enjoy meditating, and it's much more rewarding, but I still must be careful to do the redirection work in equal proportion, almost, to the meditation. Heal the mind with redirecting, empty the mind with meditation. Not heal the mind with meditation. I'm still not at a point yet where my creativity can come through without a lot of interference at times, and I get discouraged over this. But I think I'm making progress and just need to be patient and know that it will return gradually over time. Shirely Yes, I too found interference, but the toxic mind theory came to me through meditation even before I was post flood, so I don't want to put down meditating, but to suggest that it becomes even more natural and a source of creativity once all the compulsive thinking that usually interferes is gone. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Tue Jan 25, 2000 3:02pm Subject: Re: Schiz Bull article Dear Ellie By the way, it was interesting to read what you write about the pictures from your childhood. You said that on only one picture, when you were around two months old, were you seen smiling, albeit vaguely. Interestingly, my mom just sent me a small picture album as a Christmas present. The album shows pictures of me in various stages of growth, from when I was born throughout my childhood, teens and young adulthood. Only on the very first picture - as an infant - can any trace of happiness be seen. All the other images depict me in various stages of unhappiness. This confirms what I have been suspecting lately: I have suffered from a lifelong depression. It was quite a shock, but also relieving, to have this suspicion confirmed by photographic images from my past... Love, Frank It brings a tear to my eye to read this, but I am so happy you are resolving the hurt that made you so unhappy...Love, Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Wed Jan 26, 2000 3:53am Subject: Mentally slap them Ellie, I found another thing to redirect today, spent the day with 3 ladies from out of state, we are having a creative expo weekend, one of the ladies whom I just met is so negative and it just sends chills down my spine, I want to slap her, but immediately I realize where this comes from, my parents always think the worst about everything and everyone, this lady and her husband do too, just negative. So as soon as she began after a few hours I realized, I began redirecting in my mind and I found I wasn't nearly as perturbed at this woman and her husband, actually started warming up to her. I thought I wouldn't make it through the morning but immediately found relief when redirected in my mind on the spot, first time on the spot redirecting worked. Hurrah. Sally Hooray for you. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Thu Jan 27, 2000 3:53am Subject: Hypothyroid? Dear Coco, In time when you have most of the anger out, your cortisol and thyroid problems will clear. Mine did. Ellie
> Even when the glands have not been working for 18 years and are destroyed by autoimmune processes. That will be a revolution and a miracle! It is not the same than having low level of secretions or disorders in secretion? Would you still state that? Coco Dear Coco, Absolutely, I doubt if your glands are permanently destroyed. My cortisol tests back in hospital were also rock bottom, and my history is much longer than yours. It is possible to have a genetic defect in the production of certain secretions, but I doubt if you have a genetic defect in the production of cortisol or thyroid hormone. The chemical imbalances are easily explained by the toxicosis that develops in the hypothalamic region of the brain(as a result of suppression emotions). The hypothalamus, because of this toxicosis, then periodically over and under excites the thyroid and pituitary gland (which then affects the adrenals) When the toxicosis is relieved by doing the work you are doing, all these hormonal levels stabilize. Most people go to the doctor when they are having symptoms, ie detox crises (physical or emotional). At this time there is excess release of toxic levels of adrenaline... this means metabolism is reved up, and this means the thyroid can relax and put out less hormone...often people are diagnosed hypothyroid when there is nothing wrong with the thyroid. My doctor wanted to give me thyroid hormone, but I said...no thanks...Giving cortisol will also suppress the excititory nervous symptoms that are the healing events, and should not be suppressed unless they are life threatening anger needs to be redirected during these symptoms. I can understand the use of cortisol in emergency...one could die during a severe detox, but continued use doesn't make sense. Maybe you can have your doctor recheck your cortisol and thyroid levels now and taper you off, but get tested when you are very calm and toward afternoon (detox is less in the PM) and not in the middle of a detox crisis, physical or emotional. Ellie
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Jan 29, 2000 6:15am Subject: The refrigerator Time to go do a little pounding on the refrigerator. I actually look forward to it, because I feel refreshed after I'm done. You know, I haven't had a major depression in a long time, and since November I haven't had more than about 18 hours of depression, which is amazing. I still get irritable and sensitive though, so I know I have more redirecting to do. Shirely Good idea, my refrigerator deserves to get pounded. It stored a lot of bad food that kept me sick for years.... Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Jan 29, 2000 10:47am Subject: Depression gone Shirley wrote > P.S.: When I mentioned being depressed for 16 hours, I was referring to one particular weekend when I think I experienced depression for about 16 hours, not an accumulation of 16 hours since November. (Not that it matters). Most of the time I've had no depression at all, and that's what's been amazing. I used to have to call in sick to work once every 3-4 weeks because I was too depressed to go in. Now that never happens. All your fault! :-> Not my fault! but the power of the natural healing process within you and your willingness to do the work...depression should be gone in a couple of months, and it sounds like you are what I call post flood, ie most of the anger...maybe about 95%... related to childhood is gone. If there were still a lot of anger from childhood coming out, you would likely have some depression. Hooray for you. For me the other 5% came out bit by bit over the next year or so, but when I felt angry it had less to do with the past and more to do with current situations. And you will need to be vigilant about having your anger in current interactions. We are like newborns and vulnerable again, and you may also have feelings of grief to process during the next year. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Jan 29, 2000 11:56am Subject: Depression gone BTW Shirely, I would think your diet of raw food was a big factor in your speedy recovery. This recovery is a detoxification of endogenous toxins in the brain. Most of the brain is protected by a blood brain barrier, so toxins from bad food don't clog it up....except for the hypothalamus. This means exogenous toxins, eg. from foods that are not metabolized, can clog up areas of the hypothalamus and add to the toxicosis in the brain. These need to be detoxed too, especially since it is the hypothalamus that controls the fight or flight reaction, which is what we are restoring by doing the work of releasing and redirecting anger. I think those of us who are making healthy changes in diet along with doing the emotional work are likely to progress faster, although it is probably easier to do the detox of bad food toxins when most or all the anger is out, and the cravings are pretty much gone. Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Jan 29, 2000 0:23pm Subject: Pain Dear Ellie, Thank you for the article. I'm going to pass it on to a psychologist friend of mine who works with a lot of people with IBD and IBS. Don't know if he will be open to it or not but I will also tell him about the longer article if he is. I was wondering what pituitary and adrenal diabetes is? I have only heard diabetes referred to a type1 and type 2. Could you explain what that is? Also I have been experiencing some symptoms during my period that are new. I have headaches stiffness in my neck and back and pain in the ovaries. I know you are not a doctor and I am going for a check-up, but could this be related to the redirecting? It goes away after my period and I know that menstrual periods are a detox time too. I think I must be taking longer than most people to be post flood. I don't redirect everyday but it is something that I am aware of on a daily basis and I am getting good at recognizing the excitory symptoms. The other day I got angry about A situation where I felt I was being taken advantage of and then I felt like a real fool I couldn't relate it to any past situation and I was a little frustrated because I didn't know how to redirect or where to redirect. I felt that I was still angry and couldn't seem to get it all out. Any suggestions. Lots of questions! Carol
Going for a check up is important to make sure nothing is seriously wrong and have some tests. I'm not a doctor and would never want to interfere with their advice to you. But I hope they don't talk you into suppressing these healing symptoms unless they are life threatening. These sound like the usual detox events and are healing you. Remember symptoms of disease, emotional or physical, are healing events, detox crises, and there is going to be pain, just like if you were withdrawing from a drug or too much alcohol. Headaches are a great sign of detoxing, and probably you are detoxing toxins in the back and ovaries. Some of these toxins may have been from food or other sources. Also when you redirect anger, and are detoxing endogenous toxins from the brain, they flow through your blood stream and impinge on pain nerve endings, especially in vulnerable areas, like in your case the back. I got a severe strep throat once after a big detox of anger. If you felt like a fool in any situation...sounds like that's a put down, and definitely related to the past...your parents making you feel small. You don't have to recall specific details of their putting you down, but just get mad at them in your head while you are in the current situation. And if you can't get all the anger out in that event, don't worry...you will get lots more chances. Yes, pituitary and adrenal diabetes are very much a result of over and under excitation from the hypothalamus on these glands, and are most likely to clear up. Some of my diabetic symptoms were from this, although I also had severe damage to my pancreas...(I was overmedicated for 40 years) had pancreatitis several times and was hospitalized. Ellie Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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