The unisex purity test

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This is the ultimate Purity Test! We had used the 1500 point Purity Test for over two years

and heard the same complaints and questions over and over, aside from the fact that we had

taken the same test so many times we wanted a change. So, we finally did something about

it! Thanksgiving break of 1995 we (joe and jeff) sat down and re-wrote the damn thing!

So, without further bullshit, here is the Purity Test 2000.

Table O' Contents
Genesis / History

Instructions for Use



Note to Test Administrator



I The Lamer Section

II Who Says You Need A Partner OR I'm The Best I've Ever Had

III How Low Will You Go?

IV I Fought the Law and *I* Won

V Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Hiney Ho

VI Hey, Nice Shoes. Wanna Fuck?

VII This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stick-Up

VIII Something Smells Fishy Down Here

IX Julia Child, Eat Yourself Out

X The Nitty and the Gritty

XI The Meaning Of Life

XII Green Eggs and Ham

XIII Look, Ma, No Hands!

XIV Kids, Don't Try This at Home

XV Don't Worry; I was a Boy Scout

XVI Mama Always Told Me to Share

XVII Old MacDonald had his Farm, E-I-E-I-OHHHHHHH!

XVIII Let there be Lips!

XIX Eyes On Your Own Papers, Please




Genesis / History:
Version 1 (100) - sometime before 1982

Created at MIT's Baker House. Two parallel versions; one for male, and one for female.

Very little is known about this version.
Version 2 (247) - spring 1983

Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of the unisex version. The story

goes that they intended it to be 250 questions, but became tired that night and said "We'll

think of three more tomorrow,"

and tomorrow never got there.
Version 3.5 (400) - April 10, 1985

First formal release. All former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden.

Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Added in Genesis/History section, instructions,

scoring, and warranty.
Version 3.5a (400) - April 13, 1985

Found there were 431 questions instead of 400. After an all-night hack session, problem

was fixed.
Version 3.5c (400) - January 17, 1988

Finished up at Yale. Final version of the 400 point test EVER!

Feel special if you own a copy.
Version 4.0 (500) - April 23, 1988

Those snotty Yale kids thought that 400 wasn't enough for them.

Added 100 questions "just ta show 'em."
Version 5.0 (1000) - sometime in the late 80's

It was decided that 500 questions wasn't enough. Created to be the Purity Test to end all

Purity Tests. However, it lost a lot of the "fun" of the earlier versions and got boring to

Version 5.0a (1000) - January 4, 1992

A copy of the 1000 point version got into my hands. Big mistake. Typos were gotten rid of

and the introduction was made clearer.
Version 6.0-6.6b (1500) - April 19, 1992 - August 17, 1992

1500 questions. Bestiality, Group Sex, RHPS, Kitchen Utensil, and Cult sections added.

Extra credit eliminated. Sections put in more logical order. Genesis/History sections and

introduction from 500 point version reinstated. Answer sheet made.
Version 6.6c (1500) - March 25, 1993

I finally went to college and got an Internet address, and was shocked to find that the test

had actually been distributed. So, I decided to edit out any more errors that I found and

change the introduction. However, I didn't change all the grammatical pronoun errors

(using he/she instead of they, his/hers instead of theirs, etc.), because it would have been a

pain in the ass. You know what it means; deal with it.

Finished up at Miami University in Peabody Hall (Western Campus! Yay!).
Version 7.0a (2000) - November 23 and 25, 1995 (compiled December 10, 1995)

We got sick of the same old questions (and our friends complaining about certain ones), so

we (joe and jeff) decided to take it upon ourselves to re-write the thing. We deleted many of

the questions, added even more (and a new section), and re-arranged a little, along with

re-doing a few of the intro stuff and definitions. It took two all-nighters to do (not including

typing it out), but wasn't all that bad. Fixed some grammatics and the few mechanical errors.

Written on Microsoft Word for Windows 6.0c, under the Norton Desktop with Windows 3.11.

Not released (had some fine tuning to get finished).
Version 7.0b (2000) - December 11, 1995

Almost final copy of the Purity Test 2000. A few questions (about 100) had to be added, as

we were short (we hadn¹t been counting). No big deal. A few errors corrected. Limited

Distribution. Feel warm and squishy if you got a copy.
Version 7.0c (2000) - December 12, 1995

The Final Draft of the Purity Test 2000. No major corrections. Decided to ditch the answer

sheet for three reasons: 1) I (jeff) didn't want to make a new 2000 question format; 2) it's a

big waste of space, and thus bandwidth; 3) did anybody ever use that thing before, any-

way? (at a Purity Test Party, you'd need around ten copies! yeah, right!). Some re-

formatting had to be done to get the thing ready for text format. (incidentally, you can feel

free to write to one of us and ask for a nice, neat RTF formatted copy. they're much nicer)

Full Public Release (in other words, if you had the version before i wrote this interface,

this is the version you have).
Version 7.0d (2000) - January 19, 1997

The HTML (PHP/FI enhanced) interface to the Purity Test (written by jeff). A few little re-

wordings and corrections, and also our email addresses changed, but it's pretty much the

same thing...I also converted a copy back to RTF for all the people asking for it. (that¹s

probably what you¹re reading now)

Instructions for Use
This is a fairly long test consisting of 2000 questions. It starts out tame and gets progres-

sively worse (or better, depending on your viewpoint). There are many ways of going

about taking this test. You can, of course, as your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be

anti-social and sequester yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however,

we feel that the most fun way to use this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you need is

one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing implements and paper would

be useful too.) The person with the copy of the test is the test administrator; s/he reads the

questions out loud and everybody else writes down their answers. There is no definite rule

whether the participants are required to divulge their answers; that is up to the group to de-

cide. However, being open with your answers leads to some great conversations. But no

matter what you decide, each person's purity score should be made common knowledge.

(The person with the highest (or lowest) score gets to be giggled at for the rest of his/her

life.) This works wonderfully at parties and lets everybody know who's easy and who isn't,

so you'll know who to go home with.
Don't leave home without it. On the whole, this is biased for experience and, hence, age. If

you're still too young to qualify, well, these things take time. Chaste makes waste. Virgin-

ity can be cured. Remember: the conjugation is "I am erotic, You are kinky, They are per-

All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you subsequent to your

weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have happened before that time is con-

sidered not standing and void.

Definitions (for the innocent, naive, or too busy):
Necking: the kissing or stroking of a person's head or neck, the stroking of arms, hands or

back. Essentially cuddling. Nothing too serious.
Petting: the above plus the caressing or fondling of other portions of anatomy; through or

underneath clothing. In other words, making out.
Sexual activity: all the above, plus what your puerile imagination dreams up. Doesn't nec-

essarily mean penetration (but it can).
Other-Half: Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Spouse, Slave, Master, Mistress, Kept Man, etc.
Posslq: "Person of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters." Term lifted from the U.S.

census form. Nice colloquialism for live-in lover.
Masturbation: voluntary touching of one's own genitals for purposes of receiving pleasure.

Doesn't imply orgasm. Can be through clothing.
Mutual Masturbation: Technically, two (or more) people masturbating, who also happen to

be together (only touching themselves). For purposes of this test, however, mutual mas-

turbation will also be defined as two (or more) persons manually stimulating one another.

Again, not necessarily to orgasm, and possibly through clothing.

This is a yes-or-no test, you don't really need to mark the no's, as you can easily subtract

the total yes answers from 2000, and magically, you have the total no answers! We rec-

ommend counting with the little five-grouping technique (you know, four vertical slashes,

and one diagonal across them for each group of five). When you are finished, count all the

"yes" answers and divide that number by 20. That is your "percentage impurity." If you

decide you'd rather have a percentage of purity, subtract the total yes's from 2000, and di-

vide that number by 20. Basic math stuff.
We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor failing score.

Therefore, one really shouldn't worry too much about getting a high (or low) score...even

if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life. We would also like to say that it is abso-

lutely impossible to get a "perfect" score (either pure or impure). So, don't worry, you

can't look TOO dirty or innocent.
And, most of all, this is entertainment. Have as much fun in the taking as was had in the


Note to the test administrator:
Even though we tried to prevent it, this test can get monotonous. Try to "liven" it up by

adding comments and goofiness wherever you want. Encourage testees to be open with

their answers. Taking a break is allowed, but not recommendedbeyond the traditional pee

break at question one thousand (you just get out of "the mood" too quickly). Plan on a few


All right. Order some pizza. Get a keg. Smoke a bowl. Drop a hit. Whatever. Basically,

have a party.

Perverts Anonymous Qualification Exam
Version 7.0d January 19, 1997 1:40:06pm

original primary writer: Steamed Rhubarb Fondue (P7A77)

original contributing writers: Wolvorine (Owen Kuhn), Astra(JAN!), and friends and fam-

ily of The Erotic Nightmare Revue.

re-write authors: boinger (jeff) and joe with a bit of help from vicki, jana and jen.
E-mail any questions or comments to: - (boinger/jeff)

or - (joe)
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with going

down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy's law on sex: Love is a matter

of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research Proj-

ects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory. The views and

conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted as representing the official

policies, either expressed or implied, of the Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US

Government. Neither should it be interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have

actually performed any or all the actions contained herein, but they most likely have (and

liked it).
Feel free to distribute at Will (or anyone else you know, for that matter), but please leave

the credits in... we worked hard, dammit!

I. The Lamer Section
(Good Clean, 'Wholesome' Activities - 114 Questions)
Have you:
1.held hands with someone?

2.hugged somebody?

3.kissed a friend as a friendly gesture?

4.kissed a friend as an unfriendly gesture?

5.kissed a stranger as a friendly gesture?

6.kissed a stranger as an unfriendly gesture?

7.slow danced?

8.copped a feel while slow dancing?

9.slam danced?

10.copped a feel while slam dancing?

11.ballroom danced?

12.dirty danced ("grinding" counts. may be without a partner)?

13.asked someone who you were not going out with and had never gone out with if

he/she was a virgin?

14.French kissed?


16.petted (not like what you do to your cat )?

17.attended sub races, watched for UFO's, or similar useless activity?

18.been the organizer of sub race watching, UFO watching, or similar useless activity? tubbed in mixed company (Jacuzzi or hydropool)? tubbed in the nude? tubbed in the nude in mixed company?

22.while hot tubbing been groped under the water (by someone else)?

23.while hot tubbing groped someone under the water?

24.saunaed or steam bathed in mixed company? the nude? the nude in mixed company?

27.put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on someone (at beach or pool)?

28.had someone put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on you (at beach or pool)?

29.put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on someone at a time when they didn't

"need it (not in the sun)?

30.had someone put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on you when you didn't

"need" it?

31.played post office (or other kissing game)?

32.played pony express (post office with more horsing around)?

33.played doctor?

34.played Twister?

35.played Naked Twister?

36.played Monopoly?

37.played naked Monopoly?

38.played naked Monopoly involving physical contact ("I'll go down on you for Penn-

sylvania Avenue.")?

39.been hit by a thrown chalk eraser?

40.been hit by a chalk eraser thrown by the teacher?

41.been in intellectual combat with an unarmed person, and not given them a running

head start?

42.slept on watch?

43.slept in your undies?

44.slept in someone else's undies?

45.slept in the nude?

46.slept with someone else (that is, you were actually unconscious with another uncon-

scious person)?

47.slept nude with someone else?

48.slept with a nude person (you need not be nude yourself)?

49.slept in class?

50.Were you the teacher (professor, teaching assistant, etc.)?

51.upon waking , found your face in a puddle of drool (not necessarily your own)?

52.interrupted a lecture with your snoring?

53.slept in class in the nude?

54.bundled (the sharing of sleeping arrangements by persons of the opposite sex while

clothed. In theory, nothing goes on.)?

55.played footsie or 'kneesie'?

56.played footsie or 'kneesie' with someone not your date, or other-half?

57.been unable to bundle without something steamy happening?

58.been in a food fight?

59.started a food fight?

60.photocopied parts of your body, such as your face, hands or feet? the Song of Solomon? National Geographic?

63.skimmed National Geographics for "good parts"?

64.kissed and told?

65.been unable to cuss someone out in language acceptable in polite society (e.g. is your

cursing run of the mill)?

66.cussed someone out above their vocabulary capabilities?

67.used 'fuck' as a noun, adverb, adjective, pronoun, infix, suffix, prefix or preposi-

tional article in a sentence?

68.used 'fuck' (or a form of 'fuck') in all the aforementioned grammatical constructs in a

single sentence (we're not giving going to figure out an example)?

69.done something that you don't want someone to know about (parents, employer,

other-half, roommate)?

70.never been amused by something you consider too embarrassing to explain to others

(most likely something you did)?

71.talked in your sleep?

72.conversed in your sleep?

73.cussed in your sleep?

74.walked in your sleep?

75.driven in your sleep (this is not falling asleep driving, this is you were asleep, in bed

[or wherever] and you got up [still asleep] and went to your car and drove it)?

76.woken up having done something that might be considered really stupid (i.e. with a

bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your hand, and a really bubbly-feeling stomach [true


77.worn a strapless gown?

78.worn a strapless gown in public?

79.slept through class (as in, you were not in class, but, rather, asleep somewhere else)?

80.intentionally skipped class?

81.skipped class with teacher?

82.slept through an exam or test (either in or out of the class)?

83.skipped an exam or test?

84.skipped an exam or test with the teacher?

85.had someone refuse to be with your because you whistled dirty songs?

86.had someone refuse to be with you because you wouldn't take your hand out of your


87.been a bore (not a pig-like thing in a previous life)?

88.been bar hopping?

89.been on a pub crawl (bar hopping while sloshed)?

90.been overcome by celibacy and didn't like it?

91.been overcome by celibacy and didn't really mind?

92.been afraid you were slipping into monogamy?

93.been afraid you were slipping into polygamy?

94.been to a cocktail party?

95.drank beer because you liked to piss?

96.tried to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop

(it's NOT three)?

97.had a Chia Pet?

98.had a Chia Pet that "lived" for more than a week?

99.had a Chia Head?

100.dyed or painted a pet strange colors (green, pink, purple, etc.)?

101.dyed your hair an outrageous color?

102.dyed your hair an outrageous color deliberately?

103.dyed your pubic hair an outrageous color deliberately?

104.dyed your pubic hair an outrageous color accidentally (if you answer 'yes' to this, we

think it's story time)?

105.owned a Slinky?

106.ever gotten the damn thing to go all the way down the steps (staircases of less than

five stairs don't count)?

107.hung a Slinky out a window?

108.owned a Bill The Cat doll?

109.hung Bill from the ceiling?

110.thrown Bill down the stairs?

111.thrown Bill out a window?

112.videotaped a throwing of Bill for later playback?

113.hung a stuffed animal in effigy?

114.owned or driven a VW Microbus (with the shovels and rakes and implements of de-


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