The unisex purity test

VIII. Something Smells Fishy Down Here
(Non-Platonic Activities (the steamy part) Part 2 - Women - 85 Questions)
With or by a person of the female gender, have you:
758.been propositioned for necking or petting?

759.been propositioned for any sexual practice?

760.been pinched or patted on the buttocks?

761.been kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?

762.received a hickey (or had the attempt if you are hard to get)?

763.received a hickey in an intimate location?

764.been scratched or marked by her?

765.been nibbled or bit?

766.been nibbled or bit in an intimate location?

767.had your clothed legs fondled or stroked?

768.had your clothed body fondled or stroked?

769.had your clothed breast or nipples fondled or stroked?

770.had your covered genitals fondled, stroked, pet, or otherwise handled?

771.had your bare legs your bare legs fondled or stroked?

772.had your bare body fondled or stroked?

773.had your bare breast or nipples fondled or stroked?

774.had your bare genitals fondled, stroked, pet, or otherwise handled?

775.propositioned a woman for necking or petting?

776.propositioned a woman for any sexual practice?

777.pinched or patted a woman's buttocks?

778.kissed a woman below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?

779.petted?

780.given a hickey to a woman?

781.given a hickey in an intimate location?

782.left scratches or nail marks on her?

783.left teeth marks?

784.left teeth marks in an intimate location?

785.fondled or stroked a woman's clothed legs?

786.fondled or stroked a woman's clothed body?

787.stroked or fondled a woman's clothed breast or nipple?

788.petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a woman's covered genitals?

789.fondled or stroked a woman's bare legs?

790.fondled or stroked a woman's bare body?

791.stroked or fondled a woman's bare breast or nipple?

792.petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a woman's bare genitals?

793.been involved with pelvic thrusting while clothed?

794.had sex with a woman?

795.had you fingers licked or sucked?

796.licked or sucked a woman's fingers?

797.had your ear, or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked or nibbled?

798.licked, breathed onto, sucked or nibbled a woman's ear?

799.fondled a woman who was asleep?

800.woken up being fondled?

801.had sex with a woman who was asleep and she didn't wake up?

802.had sex with a woman who was asleep and she did wake up?

803.slept through sexual activity (she doing it to you)?

804.woken up in the midst of a woman having sexual activity with you?

805.given a woman a back rub or massage with ulterior motives?

806.Did it work?

807.been petted to orgasm?

808.petted to orgasm?

809.performed cunnilingus (oral stimulation of the vulva or clitoris)?

810.tasted a woman's orgasmic fluids?

811.gagged on it?

812.received oral sex?

813.performed mutual oral sex ('69')?

814.performed mutual masturbation?

815.watched while a woman masturbated?

816.had a woman watch while you masturbated?

817.orgasmed in her (if possible)?

818.orgasmed on her?

819.had her orgasm on you?

820.kissed a woman (or girl) on a first date?

821.necked with a woman (or girl) on a first date?

822.petted with a woman (or girl) on a first date?

823.had oral sex on a first date?

824.given oral sex on a first date?

825.fucked on a first date?

826.had oral sex instead of intercourse?

827.performed anal sex on a woman (if you don't have a penis, using a dildo or what-

ever)?

828.received anal sex from a woman (using a dildo or whatever)?

829.performed oral stimulation of the anus on a woman?

830.received oral stimulation of the anus from a woman?

831.been seen naked under good lighting by a woman (note: nude is expected (e.g. in a

shower room or at a nude beach), naked is when you don't expect to be seen (e.g. in the

bathroom).)?

832.seen a woman naked under good lighting?

833.undressed under good lighting, knowing a woman was watching you?

834.been in a woman's company while both of you were nude without anything steamy
happening?

835.bathed or showered with a woman (non-coed facilities don't count)?

836.let a woman wash you when you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?

837.washed a woman who was perfectly capable of washing herself?

838.had sex while in the shower?

839.had sex while taking a bath?

840.seduced a woman?

841.allowed yourself to be seduced?

842.had sex with a virgin (We're Virgin Destroyers - We won't go down in history, but

we will go down on your little sister)?

IX. - Julia Child, Eat Yourself Out
(Kitchen Utensils and Power Tools - 54 Questions)
Do you own, or have you ever owned, the following:
843.a manual can opener?

844.an electric can opener?

845.a spaghetti strainer?

846.a variable-speed blender?

847.a manual mixer?

848.an electric mixer?

849.a really, really big spoon?

850.a fondue fork?

851.corn on the cob holders?

852.a turnip twaddler?

853.an ice-cream scooper?

854.chopsticks?

855.a whisk?

856.salad tongs?

857.a salad shooter?

858.a salad scooper?

859.a veg-o-matic?

860.an electric juicer?

861.an espresso or cappuccino machine?

862.a tea-leaf strainer?

863.a socket wrench (English)?

864.a socket wrench (metric)?

865.a screwdriver (Flathead)?

866.a screwdriver (Phillips)?

867.an electric screwdriver?

868.an electric hammer?

869.an electric dog-polisher?

870.a gasoline-powered turtle-neck sweater?

871.a tackle box?

872.a tackle box that could easily be described as "huge"?

873.a metal spatula (NOT a flipper. There's a difference. A spatula is long, skinny, and

NOT bent)?

874.a rubber spatula?

875.a pocket fisherman?

876.a power drill?

877.a Dremel tool?

878.a chain saw?

879.a flame thrower?

880.a mig welder?

881.a soldering gun (not just one of those cheap soldering pens...we're talking big thing

with a trigger)?

882.a jack-hammer?

883.a bulldozer?

884.a bobcat (vehicle or animal)?

885.a crane (bird or vehicle)?

886.a wrecking-ball?

887.Have you ever drunk milk out of a beer stein?

888.Have you used a spatula for flogging purposes?

889.Do you fantasize about new and unusual utensils or tools?

890.Do you become excited when you enter a kitchen?

891.Have you had an orgasm from the thought of cooking a particular recipe?

892.Do you become excited when you enter a work-room?

893.Have you ever used a jig saw for masturbatory purposes?

894.Have you used any of the above for masturbation?

895.Have you used any of the above for any sexual practice?

896.Have you ever owned The Spatula (if you have to ask, the answer is 'no')?


X - The Nitty and the Gritty
(Things To Do and People To Do Them With - 64 Questions)
Have you:
897.been circumcised (for females a clitoridectomy)?

898.engaged in heterosexual activity (that is, with a member of the opposite sex)?

899.engaged in homosexual activity (that is, with a member of your sex [who better to

know what feels good?])?

900.engaged in bisexual activity (defined here as sexual activity with both genders on a

relatively even ratio for the period of time in question)?

901.engaged in incestual activity (that is, with a member of your family ['incest is best -

put your sister to the test'])?

902.engaged in homosexual incest (with a member of your family and gender)?

903.engaged in zoophilia [bestiality] (sex with non-humans, not the merely sub human)?

904.engaged in xeno eroticism (sexual activity with alien life forms [NOT the kind with-

out green cards])?

905.engaged in pedophilia (sexual activity with prepubescent children)?

906.engaged in bondage ('voluntarily', you had some control on initiation.)?

907.engaged in pyrophilia (using fire for sexual pleasure)?

908.been a fetishist (dependence on a particular inanimate object for sexual pleasure)?

909.engaged in partialism (sexual attraction to body parts [a foot "fetish" is a mislabeled

partialism])?

910.engaged in telephone scatalogia (a paraphilia characterized by a recurrent, intense

urge or fantasy to make obscene telephone calls)?

911.engaged in sodomy (defined as either: 1) copulation with a member of the same sex

or with animals or 2) non-coital intercourse, esp. anal or oral copulation)?

912.engaged in asphyxiophilia (semi-strangulation to achieve heightened sexual arousal)?

913.practiced urophilia (using urine for sexual excitement)?

914.practiced coprophilia (using feces for sexual excitement)?

915.practiced frotteurism (masturbation by rubbing against another person without their

permission)?

916.practiced mysophilia (a dependency on something soiled or filthy, such as dirty un-

derwear or used menstrual pads (like the female gym teacher in Porky's))?

917.practiced klismaphilia (a dependency on being given an enema)?

918.practiced zipitage (the picking of other people's zits)?

919.performed analingus (oral stimulation of the anus)?

920.engaged in D/S (domination and submission; note for the uninformed: this is not the

same as B&D)

921.practiced "role-playing" for sexual purposes (nurse/patient, teacher/student, border

guard/well-endowed coed)?

922.crossed dressed (dressing in clothing of the opposite sex), other than for a costume

party?

923.crossed dressed for a party or as a joke and discovered you liked it (shouldn't watch

Rocky Horror so much)?

924.been a berdache (a male who assumes the female gender role; regarded in some cul-

tures as a third gender)?

925.engaged in fetishistic transvestitism (a paraphilia where a male becomes sexually ex-

cited by cross-dressing)?

926.engaged in nonfetishistic transvestitism (a nonparaphillic behavior by a male who

cross dresses to relieve the tensions associated with the male gender role)?

927.practiced necrophilia (sex with the dead [truly deceased. That innocent young virgin

you molested doesn't count, no matter how frigid she was])?

928.practiced zombiphilia (sex with the undead)?

929.engaged in sexual activity which could have been described with three or more of the

above ways (i.e. you tie up your cousin, who happens to be a dead dog of your gender

from another planet covered in shit, and set him/her on fire while butt-fucking him/her while

you receive an enema: homoincestualklismacopropyronecroxenozoosodomy with bondage.)?

930.had a leather fetish?

931.had a rubber fetish (insisting on the use of rubbers doesn't qualify)?

932.been or hired a dominatrix (by definition, dominatricies are only female)?

933.performed anal intercourse ("That'd have to be in the butt, Bob")?

934.caused another person pain for your pleasure (its called sadism)?

935.had another inflict pain on you for your pleasure (its called masochism)?

936.tied up a masochist and refused to cause them pain (its called cruel)?

937.been described as a nymphomaniac or satyriasist (pejorative, moralistic terms to de-

scribe "excessive" sexuality, as if there is such a thing)?

938.become preoccupied with sex (a trancelike engrossment in thoughts of sex, which

creates a compulsive search for sexual stimulation...sometimes called 'puberty')?

939.ritualized your sexual behavior (developing special routines that precede sexual be-

havior and intensify sexual arousal and excitement)?

940.engaged in compulsive sexual behavior (unable to control or stop your sexual ac-

tions)?

941.used Schedule I (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs (synthetic opiates, methamphetamines,

marijuana, hallucinogens, LSD) (with over 145 drugs scheduled, we're not listing them

all)?

942.used Schedule II (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs (opium, coca leave products (Coca

Cola doesn't count))?

943.used Schedule III (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs ( barbiturates, lysergic acid, ampheta-

mine)?

944.used Schedule IV (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs (Barbital, chloral Hydrate, Phenobar-

bital)?

945.abused Schedule V (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs (codeine)?

946.intentionally urinated on someone (its called 'golden showers', 'water sports', or

piss fights)?

947.intentionally defecated on someone (it's called sick)?

948.intentionally vomited on another person?

949.accidentally vomited on another person?

950.intentionally urinated on yourself?

951.intentionally defecated on yourself?

952.accidentally urinated on yourself?

953.accidentally urinated on someone else?

954.accidentally defecated on yourself?

955.accidentally defecated on someone else?

956.intentionally slammed your fingers in a door?

957.derived sexual excitement by ants crawling on your testicles or labia (the testicle part

is from a medical report: Dewaraja & Money, 1986)?

958.had a sexual aversion (phobia of a particular sexual activity, or sexual activity in gen-

eral)?

959.had gender dysphoria (been dissatisfied with your gender)?

960.had feelings of koro (a Japanese term referring to the conviction that one's penis is

shrinking and going to disappear)?