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152 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Sat Jan 8, 2000 7:32am Subject: All past abusers To Rosalee, If your anger is more intense than the situation that arouses it, which it probably is at this point in your recovery, it is mixed with anger from early trauma, and it is important to think of your father, and all other early people who hurt you, and picture them and direct your anger toward them while you are vocalizing. Ellie
You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I guess I had not thought of that. So true. I guess I am so new at this that I am not thinking of it that way. Does that also include people like my job when I was on temporary disability leave and was fired and did not even realize it, because no one had notified me, until I had pneumonia and needed a Rx for antibiotics and found out I no longer had pharmacy privileges? I guess I need clarification. Rosalee
Ellie
http://www.home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway/depression.html The same article entitled Self help for addictions is on: http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Sauna/2579 The longer version entitled Self help for emotional disorders is on: http://pages.nyu.edu/~er26/depression.html 153 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Sat Jan 8, 2000 7:59am Subject: A periodic detoxification Ellie, I know you are not a therapist and don't want you think I am putting you in that position. But I have a question? I have been thinking about when exactly did I start redirecting, and you remember the story of 15 years ago. Let me tell some more, as I just remembered more. The notebook that took me a week to write, of all the hurts and abuses from my parents, and I woke up a new woman, I mean literally new, thinking back I remember walking in such a awe of life for almost a year, talk about codependency shut off, I mean it was gone for that year, but at that present moment I didn't know I was redirecting per say, but I was tormented over my parents physical abandonment of me because my husband and I hadn't married yet and even after we married they didn't come around for awhile, so the journaling was actually as a result of their rejection of me and it was the cause of me redirecting, just happened by accident? At that time someone could spit on me and I'd smile and say I love you, and it was not something I had to strive for, it was actually how I felt about the other person. For instance, my husbands ex wife was very unhappy and blamed me for putting her son in the hospital, when she brought the son over with a high temp and he was turning blue, he was 9 years old, we immediately took him to the hospital and she called me up and cursed me and threatened me and all I could do was say I love you, sorry you are so angry. I just couldn't be angered, nothing made me angry, Every one that had ever done me wrong whether it was real or imagined, I made amends, and all my relationships were in divine order, I cannot tell you how changed I was, it was an awesome experience, what changed, I became very close with my mother, but since she has self rejection, you can't get too close to a person who rejects themselves, cause as you get closer they find something that will turn you away, she daily tried and tried and fed me ideas of what I was doing by just walking in this dangerous love, how my husbands ex-wife was walking all over me, I'd tell her, but it doesn't bother me, so over a period of months, everyday she'd 'talk me' out of this, like brainwashing, it wasn't long before I began believing her and fell back into noticing what people were doing, I've never known anyone who walked in this kind of total love, I know I did experience it for one year, I was also off all white flour, caffeine, sugar, alcohol, ate only natural. Do you think I can get back to that, I am remembering very vividly how I was that year and I want it back. It was almost like a supernatural intervention in my life. Can you explain scientifically what might have happened? Have you ever heard of anyone with this experience? I was not on any medications either, so that is not a contributing factor. So, the repressed anger I have now I believe is from the past 15 years and so. I may be post flood but I am still not experiencing that same experience I felt 15 years ago for that one glorious year. I haven't read that journal in years, I am going to find it, it is a spiral notebook that is almost an inch thick and every page, almost front and back is filled. Any scientific reasons for this? Sally Dear Sally, This recovery is a periodic detoxification process, (of repressed anger, which is stored as toxic amounts of neurochemicals) and it sounds like you did a major amount of detoxing in that experience of 15 years ago. BUT there was probably more anger to come out, the muddy basin period I call it, and you may not have continued to redirect as future interactions triggered it. It is also very important to continue to have anger in current interactions that may have less to do with the past. We are like newborns, with all our emotions, anger, sadness, joy, and the love you were then able to feel for others...but anger is healthy...part of the fight or flight reaction, which we need to survive. Anger is a gift for our emotional and physical survival and we need to continue to experience it and feel it and sometimes use it to calmly confront another. To do so is to help ourselves and may help them. But even if we don't confront others, we need to mentally redirect to them. eg maybe you were stuffing some anger about your husbands ex wife, when you just told her you loved her. or here ...."At that time someone could spit on me and I'd smile and say I love you," Ellie
http://www.home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway/depression.html The same article entitled Self help for addictions is on: http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Sauna/2579 The longer version entitled Self help for emotional disorders is on: http://pages.nyu.edu/~er26/depression.html 154 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Sat Jan 8, 2000 8:49am Subject: A gift stolen Shirley sent me a story of how after confronting an embezzler he retaliated and had the community ban her from giving her gift of music in street performances. Here is what she wrote. I've never really resumed my music much since then. I used to be a full-time musician/artist. Music was my job and my life and my meditation and my passion and-- well, you get the idea. I thought eventually my music would be picked up by a recording co. Now I'm so blocked that I can't really bring myself to go out and play more than about 10 times a year. I know others have worse problems than me, but I just don't think I can go on much longer like this. I've tried EVERYTHING. I mean, really, I'm just so broken and so screwed up. I try to go on with my life and act like I still "have a life," but I feel as though I've lost a treasure that I can't find a way to retrieve. And I feel like a great failure whose talent is hidden under a bushel. I know I need to direct my anger, but really it's almost completely turned into depression. Do you think it's possible for redirecting to help with all of this stuff? I guess I just need to hear it. I don't know. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I want so badly to be a musician again. Shirley Dear Shirley, I'm in tears reading this, but my tears are turning to anger for you...at the embezzler and all who followed... Yes, yes, try to have your justifiable anger at them all whenever you have excitatory symptoms or whenever you think about it. It will not all come out at once, but little by little you should be able to redirect it and heal and give your beautiful gift of music to others. Be patient, I know you will heal. You know my gift was this scientific discovery, it has been rejected all along by my former colleagues and still is being rejected. Other scientists have said it was 'ridiculous' and all kinds of nasty things. I was even told to get my article off the Internet. But each time I had my anger with them and I banged on the bed and yelled at them. Sometimes I confronted them, but the important thing was that I had my anger, and it gave me courage to go on and give this gift to the world. You will have your music back and give it to the world. Ellie
http://www.home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway/depression.html The same article entitled Self help for addictions is on: http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Sauna/2579 The longer version entitled Self help for emotional disorders is on: http://pages.nyu.edu/~er26/depression.html 155 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Sun Jan 9, 2000 5:41am Subject: Seen and not heard? Dear Ellie, I just wanted to check in with you and give you an update. I am continuing with the redirecting of anger and I seem to be improving physically. It has been three days now and I have had no stomach pain. I had an incident one day with a stranger in the supermarket. I wont relate the whole story but in the confrontation he said at one point to me " It doesn't matter what you think". I remember feeling almost immediately very enraged and it took me awhile to realize that all that anger was not as a result of that confrontation. I didn't remember any specific incident but a general feeling that as a child and young adult what I thought didn't really matter. As an adult I still suffer from thinking these thoughts and as I am a very analytical person and enjoy thinking and talking it is sometimes very painful to have this belief. Anyway I have continued to redirect to the past and any authority figures who may have contributed to that lie that it doesn't matter what I think. I will also be more careful in the future not to invalidate my children in this way. Thank you Ellie, it's still hard to believe that this is working and it is still hard for me to think that it is actually okay to be angry. All my life I have believed it to be a virtue to hide anger and never lose your temper, so this is quite a reversal for me. I look forward to the days when I am rid of past anger and can respond to present situations more appropriately. I have also experienced some depression, headaches and achiness in back and neck. In a way I am glad because I know these are signs that I am healing. Love, Carol Me too Carol, I came from the 'children should be seen and not heard' era. And anger...God forbid, if I said anything in anger, I got my mouth washed out with soap. Ellie
Message: 3 Date: Sun, 09 Jan 2000 05:49:28 -0800 From: Elnora Van Winkle Subject: Re: Grandmothers too Guess I never though to redirecting some of the anger to my grandmother, the sweet thing!!! All that stuffed anger she had and passing it down, wonder how her mother was never thought of it. She was never mentioned, now that I think of it, "Granny you shouldn't have had so much pride trying to make us all thing you were perfect, there are none perfect!" Sally
Ellie
http://www.home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway/depression.html The same article entitled Self help for addictions is on: http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Sauna/2579 The longer version entitled Self help for emotional disorders is on: http://pages.nyu.edu/~er26/depression.html 156 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Sun Jan 9, 2000 6:30am Subject: Drawn to stimuli Had interesting customer today going through divorce, she told her story, she married a man just like her mother, angry, full of bitterness, the mother and the husband, I expect she has some stuffed down rage, but she seemed sweet enough, he abused her, physically and she took it. We talked awhile and I told her a few things I'd learned over years, she said she'd come back and I directed her to some counseling as well as the website, printed out the article, maybe I can give her next time. All I can do is listen and direct her to places for healing, she'll have to do the work. But interesting how we draw that stimuli to us to recreate to heal. Amazing after you learn this on redirecting it becomes obvious what is happening in others, I encouraged her to redirect the anger to her mother when he was abusive now and she gets hurt from it, let her anger out, don't stuff, she looked at me like I read her mail or something. Your heart just breaks for them doesn't it, when you can see so obviously wrong neurons. Sally
Ellie
http://www.home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway/depression.html The same article entitled Self help for addictions is on: http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Sauna/2579 The longer version entitled Self help for emotional disorders is on: http://pages.nyu.edu/~er26/depression.html 157 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Mon Jan 10, 2000 4:13am Subject: Hope for the homeless I've sent the pamphlet to the Coalition of the Homeless in DC and to the Mayor of NYC. I'm pleased to say it reached Mayor Giuliani, who passed it on to the Department of Mental Health. I had a nice letter from the Associate Commissioner saying she would distribute it to interested individuals and 158 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Tue Jan 11, 2000 6:15am Subject: Guilt Ellie, I realize that your work has given me permission to do what I've wanted to do but felt too guilty to do. Louise
Ellie
Louise,
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Wed Jan 12, 2000 3:57am Subject: Crying Dear Ellie I have a question for you. I generally find it hard to cry, but sometimes, when I am troubled or depressed, I start crying when eating by myself. I just sit there slowly eating my food, and the tears start flowing. Why do you think this is? On a separate note, I still have a lot of anger that needs to come out, especially towards my mother. Sometimes it's easy to release the anger, sometimes it's hard. Yesterday I had a really good session, where I yelled and punched and hit and fought for a good fifteen minutes. I was totally exhausted afterwards, and my adrenaline was pumping through my veins. It feels good to be enraged, to let out my justified anger with all its force and ferociousness. I was surprised by the flow of emotions, and wish I could do this more often, because I know there is still so much anger and hatred in me. Now another question: I find that the range and intensity of my emotions is very low. Emotionless is a word that would describe me well some times. I am angry because my parents bereaved me of my feelings and emotions. Having to go through life without strong feelings and emotions is sad beyond expression. How can I heal? Frank
Since the range and intensity of your emotions is very low, it sounds like you have released most of the anger, maybe the 95% I think of as post flood, but there is more anger and grief to come out over the next year or so. I call it the muddy basin period after the major flood is gone. For some this lasts a good year. It sounds like you are processing grief, and this is a good sign. The brain usually detoxes the anger first, then the grief. The crying can happen along with releasing anger, but there can also be a period of many months when crying goes on. This is a grieving process and it is good you can cry. You won't be emotionless, and will always be able to cry-- but more and more for others.
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Wed Jan 12, 2000 4:03am Subject: Mother Dearest Hi Elnora! I am furious at the moment! I met my mother's neighbor at the local hair salon. She was her usual sweet self and just before she left me, she managed to tell me that my mother has the flu and she has fallen. She told me that her husband went to see my mother - and then she left. I am doing the best I can to avoid my mother and now this bitch kicked up some guilt in me. Any suggestions? Mary,
Ellie
I wonder if I still have to get rid of some anger at my great grandmother too, all the way back to Eve?!? Ellie
Sally
Ellie
I have been reading all the posts and I am learning so much. And yes I do feel you are on track and that it's really as simple as you say it is and that's the truth. I do the redirecting mentally and it is so subtle the symptoms of anger or repressed emotions. One of mine Sunday was irritability that I finally noticed when I was getting my laundry to fold it. I caught myself and then ran the inner lines that I heard and then responded to them with the redirected anger. I find that I must not suppress a single thought or feeling or that will lead to the continual downfall. That's the big mistake of the therapists. They are still coming from a 'religious' or 'ethical' model that is based on a dysfunctional system that still suppresses or redirects inappropriately or denies one's feelings and thoughts at the moment. I am reading AUTHENTIC MOVEMENT edited by Patricia Pallazo on the papers of Starks-Whitehouse, Chodorow and Adler, the great women in dance therapy and jung. They are guiding me in the same way, the acceptance and dancing it out or unearthing the unconscious and recognizing it as such and being with it and having the therapist-witness who is observing and not projecting, judging and interpreting. Good and inspiring stuff. I redirect the anger to my grandparents and as far back as the abuse goes. I have written about 5 poems that deal with the dark side and I should probably write another on self-mutilation because I have been picking the skin off my thumbs areas. The skin is shedding however I exacerbate it and it begins to bleed. Hmmmm! I saw the film Man on the Moon with Jim Carrey the life of the comedian Andy Kaufman. Yuk! I saw your full blown theory in action and disaction. Here was a man who misdirected his anger via his comedy to his audience. They had only one scene from his childhood and that was enough. I tell others about you and right away my friends say, oh yes, send me the url. Instant interest! It makes total sense. Sue
Just as I was reading this I was pulling off a piece of skin on my thumb with my teeth....Humm, wonder if it was grooming--I no longer do it until it bleeds--but maybe I need to go back another generation to some great great grandmas and granddaddies. Ellie Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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