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348 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Mar 17, 2000 9:28am Subject: Re: The Muddy Waters > Ellie -- > Yesterday was unbelievable. I'm amazed that I got through it "unscathed." In fact this morning I feel wonderful. However, last night (when I wrote that "Featherless" poem) I was in deep, deep misery, wallowing in the mud of the muddy basin, drowning in the tears of the muddy basin. Anyway, what happened was that at work something developed that triggered a deep feeling from my childhood of being ostracized or rejected. The person who sits at the desk next to me, unannounced, moved to a new desk across the room. My boss has been setting this up for her (new desk, new stand for computer, new lamp, etc.) all week, and no one told me it was for E. Just moved her one day while I was out to lunch, I think. Then they took her former desk, which was right next to mine (hers facing wall, mine perpendicular, so we can turn around and talk to one another easily) and turned it perpendicular too, so if I turn around I am looking at the back of someone's computer. This had a profound effect on me. I felt cut off and removed from everyone, and I went home and felt very sad and hurt. It was scary. The hurt just started building, and I went into quite a state for awhile, feeling like I needed to take a couple days off work to process my feelings. But later I cried and cried. At one point my husband, bless his heart, actually rolled up right on top of me and pretended he was a little baby and cried with me, for about a half hour, making soft little baby sounds that helped me to laugh and cry at the same time. (Not making fun of me at all. He's incredibly empathic and just instinctively knows sometimes that the only thing that will get through my vulnerability is to be something even more helpless and vulnerable than me.) Finally, feel asleep at about 2:30. Can you believe I'm wide awake today? This stuff really works. Really. Love-- Shirley
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Mar 18, 2000 4:56am Subject: Focus on the past abusers > Hello Ellie, > I am quite new at doing anger redirection work...it's been about three days now since starting. I know it is suggested/encouraged to redirect anger towards past abusers, but is it also ok to redirect anger towards inanimate objects? An example would be me driving on the road. Sometimes when I drive I get the feeling that people are looking at me, judging me, laughing at me, thinking I'm weird, etc, etc. One thing that I've done is to imagine my dad (past abuser) out on the pavement as I drive and that I'm screaming at him and venting anger. That works ok I guess. Another way I've been trying to redirect my anger is by focusing on things like road signs and license plates. Is this an ok method too so long as anger is being redirected and expressed? Daniel That paranoia is a trigger for a detox of repressed anger, and you are doing it just right. It's fine to focus on the road signs and license plates as long as in your mind you are thinking about your Dad or other past abusers. People have gone to the woods and banged on trees, or to a grave-yard and pounded on the grave of a parent. But always keep in mind it is your abusers you are angry at...not the road sign. Ellie >
Hello Ellie, I've heard it said that when beginning this type of work, it is anger, which usually needs to be expressed first, then grief? How long does it take for the grief to come? I know I have not been doing this for very long, only about three days, but it's been pretty much all anger and frustration for me. There have been a couple moments where I would sob and feel remorse for my past, but those moments have not lasted long at all. Is it normal to have mostly anger at first with little grieving? Daniel Yes, it is normal to have anger first with little grieving. Feelings of anger and feelings of grief are released via different parts of the brain and nervous system. Usually, anger needs to be released first, although both can be released together. You may experience some crying and sadness after each detox of anger, although there is more likely to be grieving when you are post flood. There is a flood of repressed anger in the mind of mankind. Post flood is just an arbitrary point I've chosen when about 95% of the repressed anger is gone. I chose this to focus on the need to get the anger out and redirect it. Feelings of grief come naturally and don't need to be redirected. For some post flood has been followed by an extended period of grief (and a continued need to redirect some anger), which can last for a year or so. I call this the muddy basin after the flood. The anger becomes more and more to do with current interactions. And the crying too, becomes less for ourselves, and more and more for others. Eventually feelings of anger and grief are mild and not related to the past. Is it remorse or guilt?, sounds to me at this stage it would be guilt, and if so, guilt is anger turned inward. Try to recognize guilt as a trigger to release and redirect anger to past abusers. You are INNOCENT of your past. It was long after I was post flood that I felt any true remorse and it was not about my past. It concerned a minor situation. Ellie
I am pretty new at redirecting anger. I'd like to know what you think about something. When I get angry at past abusers in my head, I notice that they (the images) sometimes laugh at me and tease. To stop this, I have started to imagine myself shooting them so they can no longer laugh. What do you think about this? I would never act out in such a violent way in reality, but if it is just in my head, is it an appropriate way to redirect anger? The violent imagery makes me a little nervous. Daniel
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Mar 18, 2000 5:31am Subject: GLORY'S JOURNEY GLORY'S JOURNEY (A parable for the seeker in each of us) by Sharrhan Williamson, 1999, all rights reserved There once was a spectacularly beautiful glass bottle named Glory that dwelt in the house of a certain nobleman. This bottle was made of the most exquisitely delicate hand-blown glass imaginable, and it shone with all the colors of the rainbow as it glinted in the sunlight on the kitchen shelf. Glory was quite content in the large, warm kitchen in its position of prominence over the stove, from which the aromas of sumptuous soups, sauces and pies ascended in dizzying profusion day after day. But this night was one of the nights Glory looked forward to more than usual: there was to be a splendid party, and that meant that it would be brought to the banquet table to be admired by all and filled with the master's finest wine. It was in the afternoon's preparations for the festive evening that the unspeakable event occurred. The cook was carefully washing all the glassware and had just handed it to his attendant, Val, to be dried, when a large bird flew in through the open door, almost flying into the poor man's face. This so distracted Val that he dropped the vessel and it was shattered into many sharp pieces, large and small. The bird flew out again from whence it had come, and no one was the worse for the experience, except that all were a bit shaken and not a little dismayed that the nobleman's favorite decanter now lay scattered in ruin on the floor. The cook's helper swept up all the pieces into an old and cracked porcelain bowl and hastily set the bowl with its varicolored contents out on top of the rubbish heap just outside the kitchen door. In the early evening hours a man was out walking in the woods not far from this particular nobleman's estate. Now this man just happened to be the artisan who had created Glory and many other bottles and bowls somewhat like it in his long and illustrious career as the region's most revered and celebrated glassblower. On this particular evening, the artist was drawn by a glint of light he caught sight of through the twilight mists, which seemed to be emanating from something sitting atop the rubbish pile, of all places!, behind his neighbor's house. Being a man of courage and a creature of both impulse and curiosity, the artist hurried to the spot from which the light beckoned, and to his amazement discovered that here was one of his own artistic creations - in fact one of the finest glazed glass bottles he had ever blown - lying in jagged shards. He then remembered that he had sold this particular bottle to the nobleman's wife some years before when she had come to choose from among his inventory. Our artist, whose name, by the way, was Brodon, took a worn crocheted string bag from his pocket and quickly -without so much as a glance around him to see if anyone was looking - stowed the pieces of colored glass in it and walked hurriedly back to the road and toward the direction of the seashore which was just a mile or so up this same road. Later, when Glory finally came to and regained a semblance of consciousness, it was devastated to find itself in an unspeakable condition of near disintegration and chaos. Broken and unrecognizable, its parts were kept together and in proximity to each other only by the fact that it was now trapped and bound within this dirty old string bag which might unravel at any moment. And worse of all, it was lying in sand with a torrent of cold, salty water constantly moving it this way and that, the elements torturing and eating away at the very substance of its being. What would become of it and how long had it lain here in this terrible way? For in fact, it had been many, many months since the twilight evening on which Brodon had tenderly placed the string bag of glass shards in the water at the mouth of an inlet called Windy Cove, and a whole winter and spring had come and gone before the bag had now washed up again close to shore. On this particular fine day in July the sun beamed splendidly overhead and the rosehips were blooming in a delightful burst of color along the shore. Today our artist, Brodon, was once again walking in this vicinity where he had walked so many months ago in the evening mist. Only this time he was clothed in fine robes and he walked with the air of purpose and confidence of one on whom life has smiled and bestowed the kiss of great honor. For he now was in the employ of the King, whose castle lay in the next village. As the King's Chief Artisan he now had many and varied duties, most of them exceedingly pleasant, as they centered around the creation of things of great beauty. Only a fortnight ago he had been given a special request and artistic challenge which he now pondered: the King wished to have him create the perfect work of art for the altar of the new chapel that had recently been built on the hill adjacent to the castle. Brodon was in deep consideration of this creative venture as he was walking on the trail that led to Windy Cove. As he continued walking absentmindedly toward the beach, his mind began to toy with the idea of a piece of artwork that would be intensely colorful, reflecting and playing with the sun's light in a dazzling display that would inspire worship and reference. The new chapel had a large, circular skylight directly above the altar, placed so that a brilliant shaft of sunlight seemed to set the altar ablaze by day. Brodon decided that a large stained glass mandala, to be placed directly within the skylight window, was exactly what was called for. At the very exact point of this creative realization, Brodon, having now reached the ocean's shore, glanced down into the water's edge and saw something that made him catch his breath for a moment. For it appeared to be nothing less than a bag of jewels, or jewels wrapped in some sort of net. A very peculiar feeling swept over him as he picked up the bag, heavy and dripping, a tendril of dulse hanging from it. "No," he thought, "it couldn't be." But in fact it was the same broken glass bottle he had tenderly laid to rest in the cove almost a year before, only now the pieces of glass were round and polished and gleamed like rubies, emeralds, sapphires and diamonds. "What extraordinary good fortune!" he remarked aloud. For here was the very material he instinctively knew he must use for the center and focal point of his stained glass mandala. He now was confident that he would create a masterpiece of unsurpassed beauty, and he was overcome with joy. And that, of course, is exactly what happened. Each piece of sea glass was carefully placed with exquisite artistry and precision in the very heart of the mandala, which shone with such a Light that thousands came to admire it, remarking that it reflected God's Glory.
All actions begin with thoughts. For the 15years I've been redirecting I did not imagine I was pounding the person when pounding the wall or pillow or armrest, whatever, the ill will is against the disease you've said over and over. I have noticed through out the years that if I dwell on a thing for very long, I end up saying it or doing it. To dwell on shooting someone of the past would be very easy to use that method of thinking on the present. Just a word of caution. Sally Dear Sally, Thank you for the caution, and yes, it is best to be able to do some pounding on the bed to get as much of the anger out as possible, but it also works to do it mentally in the mind. I don't find the use of the terms 'positive' or 'negative' actions helpful. Whether we get angry mentally or do some pounding, both are helpful ways of detoxing and the detox in the brain is the more important. It's not possible or necessary to separate the disease from the person in the mind and just get angry at the disease. It's best to just focus on the abusers and think about them. And if pounding, it's OK to think you are pounding on the abuser. It might be better not to visualize 'shooting' some one, but to just say 'I hate you,' etc. although if the anger is mentally released and redirected it's not likely that one will dwell on the action of 'shooting' or whatever. Let's ask Daniel, did you dwell on the action of shooting? There may be times when we still act out rather than just do it mentally, but these will subside in time with awareness of the need to do it mentally. The real danger is in misdirecting, ie what happened at Littleton. Once using the self-help measures as described in the article, there is not likely to be a danger of harming another person. I appreciate your caution and have tried to make it clear in the article to do this mentally but not to get angry at others in person. Once people start using the measures I think they understand this. To act out and direct anger at others in person is a misunderstanding of the concept and I've added a disclaimer that I can not be responsible for this. Ellie
> 352 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Mar 19, 2000 10:20am Subject: Murder > > Ellie, glad you added disclaimer that was the point I was getting at, should have just come right out and said it. I agree you don't have to do the pounding as 90% if my redirecting has been only mentally of expressing my hurts and wounds to the other person. > I was concerned someone would go way too far and go out and start shooting the people and someone would come in sometime and accuse you of advocating it, by twisting what you said. It's happened to many a good people, when they are looking to blame someone. > The wounds of the past must be pretty intense and deep to imagine shooting someone which is wanting them dead, it is not like you just wanted to beat them up as a form of expressing your pain. It will take some deep cleansing to get the want of shooting out of someone's mind, or it could just be the way they were raised in an environment acceptance of guns and revenge. Hard to say. I just don't approve guns in relation to using against another human life. In regards to murder it is a tricky thought, as the Bible says to be angry with your brother is the same as murder as far as your heart is concerned, I think it means staying angry with your brother, which brings in our need to redirect and get out the anger by forgiving and expressing so we can forgive, you cannot forgive without getting the reason why out, I believe forgiveness is an emotion that cannot flow into the heart that is full of anger and murder. From my experience which in no way advocates THE way, that the more intense the hurt which = more anger, just slamming my fist on something released it as I was imaging the situation or person, like a judge that hammers down the gavel, it gets their attention. Sometimes the judge does not have to hammer down the gavel to have their attention only when the mass is not listening or he is pronouncing a judgment. When we pound we are pronouncing a judgment or sentence that is finished, no more. Sally
Whether we have conscious control over behavior initiated by unconscious activity in the brain probably depends on the degree of enervation and the extent of the toxicosis. If the detoxification crisis is sufficiently strong, conscious thought may not be able to override it. Furthermore, when we do express emotions, we may not be able to control how they are expressed. This is the reason many cannot explain why they committed violent crimes. The anger is justifiable, but the detoxification crisis is usually vicarious, and there is often no remorse. Guilt, which is anger turned inward, may be felt, but true remorse is possible only in recovery, and even then it is not likely to be for past sins. The New Testament word for sin, hamartia, comes from the sport of archery and literally means "missing the mark" (38)--wrong neuron. This condition of health or sickness in the neurons may provide the physiological basis for the exercise of free will. Whether we can control an exaggerated fight or flight reaction is the subject of moral appraisal and the frequent debate of ethical and religious thinkers. In every court of law it demands reflection by judge and jury as they consider the oftentimes violent behavior of the accused. It may be that free will is best exercised in a decision to embrace measures for recovery. As we have seen, persons with toxic minds have a craving for stimulants because stimulants can trigger detoxification crises. Abused children are attracted to violent TV programs for this reason. All of us have toxic neurons to some extent and crave stimulation. Many of us could not turn off the TV during the Gulf War. Some sociologists speak of man as having a need for enemies. This need comes from unconscious cravings that bring about the release of repressed anger. In its extreme this is what motivates cult leaders, terrorists, dictators, all who wage war, and all those who follow along in their paths of destruction. That there might be conspiracies behind acts of violence is because other individuals with toxic minds have the unconscious need to tag along and release their own pent-up anger. This explains why an eleven-year old boy needed to go along with his thirteen-year old friend on a murderous spree in Jonesboro, Arkansas. As soon as the lives of those who have committed violent acts are investigated, we see the truth in headlines, "In the End, the Oklahoma Bombing May Be the Work of 2, Not a Major Conspiracy," and "New Defendant in Trade Center Blast Is Described as Shy and Apolitical" (39). The weapons amassed by David Koresh, Timothy McVeigh, Shoko Asahara, and Saddam Hussein were probably for the purpose of releasing anger stored up as toxic neurochemicals in the nervous systems of those individuals and had little to do with the purposes for which they were ultimately used. Adults who were abused as children are likely to continue to fill the arsenals of the world with nuclear bombs." Ellie
Ellie
From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Mon Mar 20, 2000 6:44am Subject: Don't give up Daniel, >>did you dwell on the action of shooting?<< Ellie
> > Ellie, I've actually been having a tough time releasing anger lately. The first couple days I tried it seemed to provide a lift to me and helped me feel stronger. Now I don't know, it seems like if I try to punch on a pillow, or imagine myself confronting past abusers in my head, it seems as if there's just not much energy there. If repressed anger is truly being expressed then I think I would know because I would feel it. Sometimes if I try to redirect my anger it seems as if I'm just going through the motions but nothing is really coming out. I was really REALLY excited about this technique when I first heard about it and started using it. Now I seem to be having a tougher time and expressing anger towards past abusers doesn't seem to be so easy. > > I very much believe that you are right, that much if not all of my dysfunction is the result of not being allowed to have justifiable anger growing up and that in order to truly heal I need to let myself be angry for the times I was not allowed to express anger towards past abusers. But what if I'm finding it tougher than I thought to get those pent up emotions out? Is there a certain medication that might be able to help in the interim? Maybe something that can help me feel more energetic and optimistic? lol I doubt it. It's just that my spirits get quite low considering all the anxiety and criticism I foist upon myself. I even feel defeated in trying to redirect anger after only 4 days of trying it. > > And don't worry Sally, if I imagine myself shooting past abusers in my head, I don't think there's any risk in me acting out that imagery. If I don't truly get out the anger denied me in the past, I'm sure I will just continue to inflict that anger towards myself through self-criticism and self-judgment, as always. Daniel Dear Daniel. DON'T GIVE UP....Please print out the pamphlet from one of the pdf files and keep rereading it. This is a periodic detoxification process, a periodic series of detox crises each followed by some depression, ie mood swings that may intensify, but will diminish in time. Each time your anger is triggered, ie you have excitatory nervous symptoms (see the list) and you do the redirecting, you will feel better, but this is likely to be followed by some depression. Some have been able to lift out of the depression by doing some more redirecting, but if it feels like you are just going through the motions, then relax and wait for the next trigger. Your energy will return. This detox process is being controlled by physiological mechanisms in the brain. You are not in charge, but can only help it go faster by redirecting when you are having a detox crisis. Often you just have to go through the depression. Put a sign on the refrig..."It will lift" You may find you will have a heavy drug like sleep after doing some intense redirecting. You don't need any drugs to trigger these detox crises. Recognize those snickering people as your parents and other early abusers and tell them to shut up, and that low self esteem is a trigger to mentally redirect. Try to be as physical as possible and get to a bed and pound on it. The more you can do this the more anger will be released, and the faster the recovery. Ellie Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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