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760 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Tue Oct 10, 2000 7:49am Subject: How often to redirect > I see what you are saying about repressed anger as a baby, its an unknown to me how much there is of that however my parents have said to me that I was a very well behaved baby unlike my brother. I have no memory of being a baby so is it ok to just redirect at my parents neglect regarding my brothers problems? >
> Today for the first time I did actually release anger towards my parents which was not initially easy to do. I began with my thoughts pointing at my brother and then diverted to my parents and was surprised to see what was there. I found words such as "why weren't you there for me" coming out - this was in reference to the pain caused be my brothers illness. I find once it starts coming the floodgates open emotionally and it waterfalls out. >
> This has also made me realize that I should not shoulder so much responsibility for the well being of my parents at such an early age - this is why, I think, I find it difficult to direct anger at my parents. I feel protective of them which makes it difficult to be angry at them. >
> As I stated previously I do not blame my parents for their lack of support in such horrible circumstances but I still have a right to be angry, not directly at them but the circumstances and difficulties that caused them to neglect. A memory that returned to me was of my mother saying to me often "Am I neglecting you?" I always answered no as I knew the stresses they were going through but in truth I did need extra attention and love. >
> At the moment I am redirecting once daily and it is usually a very powerful one and involves mainly extensive crying, angry words (usually whispered because of environment) and not too much physical anger, once its happened I find I am very tired and redirecting anymore just is too much. Is this enough just once a day? LP Good for you, you're on the road to recovery. You sound like me as a child, so well behaved, a sign of turning your own justifiable anger inward. 'so is it ok to just redirect at my parents neglect regarding my brothers problems?' This is a good start, although it's not necessary to think of specific times that they neglected you. I'm sure that you were emotionally neglected long before your bothers problems. Don't forget his problems were due to emotional neglect early in childhood too. 'I still have a right to be angry, not directly at them but the circumstances and difficulties ' Yes you have a right to be angry, and it is not at them but at their sickness. They were emotionally neglected early in their childhood too. Once a day if fine, but better to do it whenever you have symptoms and if you feel tired then rest or sleep until the next triggering symptom. Try to redirect anger toward your parents without thinking about your bother's situation or any other specific trauma. Keep up the talk that you began like, "why weren't you there for me" Here it is again... "To recover it is necessary to recognize these excitatory nervous symptoms as signals the brain is trying to release the neurochemicals that store anger, and whenever symptoms appear to redirect the underlying anger toward our parents and other past abusers. Rather than suppress the symptoms, feel the fear, know that there is underlying anger, release and redirect the anger. Intense pounding in the chest when confronting someone in a current interaction is a sign of repressed anger related to early trauma. It is NOT necessary to remember the trauma in detail. The anger can be released by pounding on a bed and yelling at past abusers while picturing them or thinking about them. We are NOT attacking them but the sickness in them. If it would be too noisy to yell out loud, the anger can be redirected by talking quietly to our parents in our mind. Parental voices stay in our heads saying things like, "You should be ashamed of yourself," and saying, "Get out of my head," helps. Other symptoms that signal emerging anger are anxiety, neurotic fear, panic attacks, compulsive thoughts or behavior, insomnia, scary dreams, loneliness, mania, paranoia, and resentments. These are all detoxification crises and opportunities to release and redirect anger. Go through the fear and other symptoms to the anger and redirect the anger. It is important to mentally redirect anger as often as possible all through the day. Symptoms might be cravings for food or stimulants, chemical or psychological. They might be guilt or low self-esteem or suicidal thought; these are caused when anger is turned inward. Symptoms might be misdirected anger, rage, or aggressive behavior toward someone who may be innocent or partially innocent. If anger is intense and out of proportion in a current interaction, much of it is repressed anger from previous trauma and needs to be redirected toward past abusers. It is important not to direct anger toward others in person. If intense anger is triggered in a current interaction, the appropriate anger can be expressed calmly after one has released most of it by pounding on a bed." Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 761 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Tue Oct 10, 2000 9:02am Subject: Re: Success with detoxification > Hi Ellie -- > Boy, can I relate to this one! Sounds like TW comes from a family VERY similar to mine -- a perfect, "Leave it to Beaver" family for three, a nightmare parallel reality for the younger sibling who is cut off from them. I hope TW can hang in there and get to the "other side" (heal) through redirecting. I still know that my family is toxic and crazy-making, but I am able to live without depression now and am possibly going home for a short visit in the spring. NS 762 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Tue Oct 10, 2000 11:34am Subject: Passive mothers > I've been working on redirecting consistently throughout my day, even if it takes the form of less loud activities (stomping, hitting my bed while in bed, hitting rolls of toilet paper while in the men's room, punching the air when I'm alone, and mentally redirecting thoughts). I read the profile of "the neurotic" in your Archives last night and knew that I was reading about myself. I have a tremendous neediness/codependency and feel a lot of shame about that, often trying to hide my neediness from others, which only represses it. >
> This morning I felt self-destructive when I saw a happy, loving couple kissing on the subway (which happens to me quite often in my life; I see a couple exhibiting affection and immediately feel self-destructive and lonely because I feel so far away from being worthy or able to be in a relationship, even though I am an attractive, intelligent individual with lots to offer), and I felt the self-destructive impulse and stopped it short; thinking "It's not myself I'm angry at. I don't deserve to destroy myself. I'm angry at past abusers. I'm angry at my parents." >
> I had a vivid dream last night in which I had a screaming, crying fight with my passive-aggressive mother, as I realized that I was not only angry with my abusive, dominating father, but with my cold, meek mother who never really prevented my father from taking his anger out on us. I read one of your messages, Ellie, about being angry with your mother because she never protected the children by kicking your father out of the house, and I that really hit home for me. My mother only sent my father out of the house once, after a particularly potent rage of his that ended with him smacking me across the face a few times. This was after years of him attacking my brother and me, verbally and physically. I remember vividly being thrown against a door when my father accused me of lying to him (when I was not in fact lying). >
> So I realized I'm also very angry at my mother. My father in the present has grown and matured and feels very guilty for what he did in the past, and is a much different person now. And he understands a lot of what I'm going through because he's been there himself (he was horribly abused by his parents). But although she's verbally supportive, my mother remains cold overall with me and afraid to really deal with the situation of my depression. She doesn't like to see me suffer but seems detached somehow, like it might remind her of things within her she doesn't want to acknowledge. I see her avoiding herself and her emotions. I realize I've never really seen her cry -- even at funerals of close family members she lets the tears out in a very reserved way. >
> I woke up at 6 am, seconds after having the dream (which terminated at the height of the argument, wherein my mother screamed that she wanted to me to say that "You were touched, you were LOVED!!!" even though I clearly felt otherwise) and turned on my computer and wrote it all down. I realize that despite his abuse, my father changed and stopped the abuse, whereas my mother has never really come out and displayed lots of real emotion. She just wants my depression to "just go away," and she likes to cling to the psychiatric notion that it's all a chemical imbalance, all a medical disease. She apologized to me for the abuse/neglect in the past but it sounded very cold and obligatory; not heartfelt at all. >
> I don't know when my next major anger redirect will come, but I've felt tired and sad lately, not furious (but I am aware that the sadness conceals the anger and frustration I feel). >
> It's also interesting that both my father and my older brother are 'addicted' to exercise -- running, weight lifting, etc. I read an article in the Archives about people becoming addicted to getting out stress through exercise as a way of dealing with their anger and sadness. >
> And thanks to NS for the supportive message! (I see your points about politeness, Ellie, but I still believe that "please" and "thank you" can mean something genuine when coming from a genuine place, instead of an obligatory robotic gesture.) >
> TW I just added loneliness to the list of excitatory nervous symptoms. Glad you can turn that shame away from yourself and send it where it belongs. My passive mother's favorite words were, "Shame on you." Many of us start by getting anger out at the parent who was most likely to misdirect anger toward us and then realize the other parent, who may have turned it inward, was also emotionally abusive, even if just by teaching us to be passive. My father never got angry at me, but at my mother, brother and sister, and I always expected to be next, so I was afraid of him. Thank you for giving me permission to say thank you! (when appropriate, that is) Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 764 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Wed Oct 11, 2000 4:53am Subject: Moderators/Anonymity When I wrote about my tiresome mantra 'to study the article and redirect during excitatory nervous symptoms,' I wasn't implying that I'm tired of this-- not at all--but that you might be tired of hearing this simple response. I'm also delighted to have so many replies from you that I need help. I have asked some of you who are post flood using the self-help measures to be moderators so that you can share your experiences in other ways that I'm sure will be even more helpful to new people. I have been using the letters of your first names for pseudonyms, but I see some are duplicated, so when you reply to a post, please create your own pseudonym, perhaps a first name you like. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 765 From: Sharrhan Williamson> Date: Tue Oct 10, 2000 11:50pm Subject: Re: New moderators Ellie-- I sure understand this explanation of the tiresome reply to posts. I can only imagine how tiresome it is, as you, when I became post flood, no one was out there rooting me on, cheering me for my endeavors. I had to dig my heels in and accomplish what I knew was most needed. I know I have asked lots of questions, which you encouraged me to redirect, since I had gotten out of the habit and slipped backwards somewhat into passivity. I thank you for your encouragement. One thing I have noticed about non flood people, is the codependency as we call it, is a need to be validated and most of all argumentative, because of the anger inside. Tiresome as it may be, it is part of their process, I'm sure you have wondered 'why me', the scapegoat for their venting or outbursts, but I consider you like Jesus, the whipping boy, taking the stripes and the beatings for the salvation of others. He endured the cross knowing the joy before him, to be with His father in paradise. Hang in their dear pal, just breathe and shake your head ever so often at the real sickness that engulfs the world. If a cup of water is all that is asked, a cup of water is all that He asks. Love you, The Vineyard Branch
Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com./ Share information about yourself, create your own public profile at http://profiles.msn.com./ 766 From: Sharrhan Williamson> Date: Wed Oct 11, 2000 7:02am Subject: RE: Emotionally disturbed Ellie, I know I am replying to really old messages, but I only read this now. I want to encourage F, who seems to have come a long way. It took me over a year before I connected with my feelings. I now cry all the time. At the office, at home, walking on the street, in the car, etc. At first it came as massive anxiety or even depression, but gradually I realized that I was just holding back old fear, pain and confusion, and gradually was able to let it go. Still, I know that I have a long way to go. My feelings are still very repressed, and it is hard to bring forth my emotions and let go of all the pain stored inside me. But it feels so good to be able to cry, to feel the pain and to let it go.... it's a great relief, and it literally feels like my cold heart is slowly melting. NF
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http://profiles.msn.com./ 767 From: Sharrhan Williamson> Date: Tue Oct 10, 2000 11:53pm Subject: RE: Sharing janov Ellie, I just read Alice Miller's book "Breaking the Wall of Silence". I don't think I really understood what you meant by the massive denial you steadily encounter before I read this book. First now I understand, and really appreciate, the hard work and the uphill struggle you steadily face. The path is straight and narrow, but if one knows the truth, one will never stray from it. It is true what Alice Miller says. After facing your own past, you need no more explanations, proof or convictions, because you have encountered the truth. I now know what you are fighting for, and I thank you yet again for fighting for me, indeed, for us all. I also want you to know that the fight will not end with you, or Alice, or anyone else. I for one will fight for this truth for as long as it takes. Our future depends on it. NF
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http://profiles.msn.com./ 768 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Thu Oct 12, 2000 6:07am Subject: What if the "abuser" is not in the past or away? > My mother moved in with me and never left. She has no place to go, and no way to support herself. She refuses to drive, nor speaks the language very well. She spends her days and nights chain-smoking cigarettes, watching TV, playing solitaire in the computer, drinking coffee and coke, and napping. She was able to destroy my first marriage, and almost brought me to a nervous break down. Both my uncle and grand-mother left her because she clinged so much and manipulated / intimidated them so much. I was too young and too loyal to her to see her like anything other than a victim. I was "trained" since I was born to become her literal SLAVE. I am running out of energy! >
> I become with child in my second marriage. The pregnancy was so hard on my body, that I truly believe it must have triggered some chemical charge or unblocking in my brain, because all of a sudden I had a rude awakening. I remember lying in bed one night, not being able to sleep as always, thinking about my little girl that was about to be born. I wanted to give her all the tools and skills I had acquired throughout my life, so maybe she would have a better chance than I had to be happy, a better chance to protect herself from spiritual abusers and ill fated mates. I wanted she to have a youth, to be free to travel and explore, to have a good education, meet wholesome people, have a work of significance, a job financially fulfilling, and, yes, have a daddy. When it hit me: my mother always told me that a degree does not mean anything (but she went on to become a psychologist), she hid from my father that I even existed by separating from him when she became pregnant (she said he would control her through the child), she "trained" me since young to become her protector and provider. She never took care of me, was always absent, letting my grand mother with all the responsibilities. An avalanche of memories started coming down. I was filled with intense hate for my mot her. >
> During such time, my husband and I were already having severe financial problems since I had to stop working due to complications of pregnancy. I realized then that I had been buying my mothers cigarettes for years, and before me, my grandmother had to buy her cigarettes too. For the first time in my life, it crossed my mind that somehow my mother had both my grandmother and I wrapped around her fingers. For some reason, we were afraid of saying No to her vices and desires. I had a confrontation with her where I told her I would limit her cigarettes to one pack a day since we where so short with money, that she would have to walk two blocks down the road to buy her own cigarettes, and that after the baby was born, I did not want she to smoke inside the house anymore! Great break through for me!!! > I had never even seen anyone confront my mother like this. All people did was to run away from her. She would always tell stories of how she would abandon the people that would treat her wrong (like her own father, her husband, friends). In the day of our confrontation, she tried to put a curse on me which shook me deeply, but I kept strong. I remember my grandmother being afraid of her curses just the same. But to retaliate further, she engaged in a hunger strike -- something I had not foreseen at all! She started losing so much weight, that I became terrified she would die. I could not sleep anymore guilty of "what I had done!" I had no idea of where to find help. I thought it was so cruel and unfair to my unborn child that she would put me through so much stress while I was pregnant; I wondered if it was affecting the child in anyway. My husband was way too passive to help me in this situation. All I could do was to hold on strong. We were not talking at all. She passed her days locked inside her bedroom. I kept opening the windows and doors of the house for the cloud of cigarettes smoke to escape. I was so sick with the pregnancy that any smell would make me vomit over and over, which would dehydrate me, causing several other complications, and the beginning of eclampsya, which can kill both mother and baby. Finally, on the very week that my child is to be born, she asks me to call 911 because she was not breathing well. She had efisema, and we ended up in the same hospital. I taking care of my child and of my mother when it was a time for my baby only. It is unbelievable how she tried to rob spiritually that moment too. During the time, she asked me to go home and get her socio security card. That is when I saw she had the carbon copy of several checks written for large amounts withdrawn from a bank account I put on her name. I had 4 thousand dollars in the account which I was saving for the down payment of a house one day. That money was in her name only, since she told me long ago that my ex would try to control me financially during a divorce and that I should "protect" myself by putting the money in her name. > > Well, now I am here with a baby of six weeks, trying to make ends meet, with a husband desperately trying to find a place for us to live with no credit and not all the money for the down payment anymore. Time is running out for us to move. I am so full of rage, I cannot even confront her on this subject. I don't see her going out to buy her cigarettes anymore, so I believe she is mailing ordering them -- an expensive king of cigarettes delivered to the house -- and using my money for this. It is like: I can't win. She is just too powerful and manipulative. It is like my husband and I don't have a say-so in our own house! > > I confess, I cannot get myself to "explode" redirecting my anger. For some reason I am blocked. I wonder if it is because my mother is right here in my house, and I fear becoming violent towards her if I let the dike crack, you see? Besides, if I ever explode, I have to plan way ahead so that my baby can leave the house and not hear or be present -- she startles and picks up things so easily. I wonder if the group here have ever encountered anyone who could not do the redirecting in an angry act. This may sound strange, but my husband cannot do it either! Telling him about this scientific paper, I noticed he was completely shut down emotionally -- I knew he wouldn't give it even a try. And I remember thinking "how odd!, he must have just too much of it, and must be afraid of letting even a little bit out." But here I am. I cannot do this either. Why? Will I crack? > > My depression has been so strong and for so long. All I can do from time to time is to have compulsive thoughts about my mother where I run over and over through the same story or where I confront her again and again. I'm tired. I feel I am losing my mind. My second marriage is shook up seriously too, and I simply don't know what to do. > > JSW
Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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