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778 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Fri Oct 13, 2000 5:43am Subject: Addiction to redirecting? Is there a danger of becoming dependant on re-directing at parents and other abusers - Paul No, Sharrhan is right, you can't become addicted since you are going through a periodic withdrawal of the endogenous neurochemical noradrenaline, which is what makes you feel high. When you are post flood you won't miss this kind of high, but will feel good on a steady basis. Read the Message no. 74 on what normalcy is. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 779 From: Sharrhan Williamson> Date: Fri Oct 13, 2000 0:50pm Subject: Re: Welcome Savannah! Savannah writes: I began self-help measures today. I often feel my heart pounding, mostly when I'm having a crying fit or something I feel has gone wrong. I have sweating and headache about 3-5 days out the week. I cry and feel grief almost everyday, at least since my grandma died. Before that at least once a week when I am in one of my down periods. If plans don't work out I often feel sorry for myself. I normally don't try to find other things to do and end up sitting around. I'm always friendly to strangers and people. I do not feel content alone. I'm alone to much. I feel a lot of guilt and I try to suppress my resentment because I understand most things are not their fault bit my own. I feel a lot of resentment directed at the wrong people. My memory has gone to hell, I seldom have to concentrate but when I do my mind skips alot to other things. It takes me at least an hour to fall asleep each night and I do sleep pretty hard. Then when I wake up I feel lethargic, no matter how long I sleep. I have a lot of nightmares, and a lot of them are gory. When I am in a down mood I tend to dwell on bad experiences and how bad I am or how I screwed up and no matter how hard I try I always come back to the negative. When I think about the past I normally cry or go into a trance like state. Sharrhan responds: Hi Savannah, and welcome! Redirecting can and does address all of the problems you mention, all of which are no fault of your own and are the result of the traumatic childhood experiences you mentioned in your post. You will find empathy and support here, and you will also find that if you do the redirecting and stay with it, you will see your depression lifting in ways that medicine and talk therapy can't begin to match. Ellie's posts in the archives are a wonderful help, and I urge you to read them when you feel down. You will feel better as you read about others' experiences of evolution out of depression and anxiety through redirecting. You can also write and direct questions to Ellie, Tom or myself. Perhaps the greatest thing you'll find here is that this is not a "blame the victim" site. You are welcomed, respected and understood here. I found this website 11 months ago, when I was in deep despair, and that acceptance and support that I found here played a huge part in my very quick healing of 50 years of depression and shame. There is real help for you here and little is required, really, except that you do the redirecting every day-- which is a simple process, and that you be patient in your expectation of results. Some heal quickly; others take a little longer. But it's a process that does work. There may be some rain clouds and bumps along the way, but you'll come through just fine. Love & Joy -- Sharrhan 780 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sat Oct 14, 2000 5:58am Subject: Keep past abusers in mind > Dear Ellie, > I am having a problem with a person who triggers my anger. He triggers my anger just *thinking* about him. He certainly has done things to make me feel used and abused, but not to this extent, so I'm thinking that at least some of that anger that I feel about him is "misdirected." It's like a free-floating rage. > > However, I'm wondering, why would it matter *who* you direct your anger to, as long as it is an act of the conscious will? Do your neurons know that you aren't directing your anger toward your parents? Isn't anger directed, just anger directed? Shouldn't it have the same detoxifying effect as long as it's *consciously focused* by the will? ***************************************************** No, anger released but not redirected is like the Wrong Neuron concept. It doesn't clear the toxicosis where it is most severe. Just releasing anger without redirecting may be somewhat detoxifying, but to get rid of the toxicosis in those neurons most affected, you must redirect the anger to past abusers. Take a look at the Wrong Neuron illustration. This illustration doesn't show the self-therapy, but it would be a redirecting to Mama, where the neuron is most clogged. It's an oversimplification because many neurons are involved, but gives you the idea. To be more accurate, most of the people in our lives who trigger our anger are people who share characteristics of our parents. These characteristics are stored together in the same neurons. So in a sense you could say the neurons know. When you consciously think about past abusers, you are redirecting neural impulses through those neurons that are the most clogged. And this will clear a toxic mind/brain and bring about healing. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 781 From: Elnora Van Winkle Date: Sat Oct 14, 2000 6:36am Subject: Emotional pain of early abuse > > Dear Ellie, > I was surprised when I found this list. I wasn't even looking for (another) self-help method; I just was looking to learn a little something. Well, needless to say, I learned alot. I am 24 and have a history of abuse from different people, mainly my mother who screamed and rejected me constantly all through my child hood. Much of my childhood memory is blocked. I began to notice my depression when I was around 14 or 15, though I had been acting out since pre-adolescence. Most of this acting out was over-sexual, and attraction to abusive type friends. There has always been something in me, even then, that knew that is not who I really am and that somehow I will come through and feel normal. Well, I kept acting out and spent my later adolescence and early adulthood being extremely withdrawn from any people and feeling very angry and at times crazy. When I had my son at 19, I began to vigilantly search for the "cure". I have always enjoyed reading, so that is how I began my search. I didn't need anyone's help, I could do it myself. No one cared about me anyhow, and I was going to show them that I am not the piece of shit that I deep down "knew I was". So I continued to intellectualize my problem, thus detaching myself from any real emotions. In 1999 I had a psychotic break from reality that lasted about 10 days. I had unknowingly been "preparing" for it for a couple months. I was delusional, obsessed with thoughts that my son had been sexually abused, and I was looking anywhere to find out who did so. Anyone who took care of him (mostly close family) was targeted. I eventually "broke" and ended up in the hospital. I was put in lockdown for 2 days, then I got the "privilege" of moving to the regular psych ward where I was drugged up and left to stew for days on end. An actual doctor visited me twice in 10 days. Needless to say I am very angry about that. And the fact that my mother was instrumental in putting me in the hospital makes me even more furious. I tell myself that that's how it had to be, and it's probably true. No one around me could understand what was happening, and I did my best not to let anyone know that I was feeling strange. > I was way too concerned with protecting my son. My mother, and boyfriend have suggested to me, from hearing me talk on and on while in the height of my episode, that I must have been sexually abused as a young child. I don't remember much, I blacked out for most of my episode, but I do know that all of it started when he (my grandfather died). I should also mention that my father, now in his 40's has chronic and severe delusions and hallucinations that have been sporadic since his early twenties. That has been alot of my motivation to "cure" myself. > Anyhow, I just sort of put that all behind me, got on a different antidepressant, which helped to give me some perspective and "function" and started to "build a new life" for myself. I am now realizing that I have been detaching myself from my true emotional world, while building a new life (new layers) to protect myself further. I always looked to books, and my ideas to be the cure. "If only I could tell my mom how much she hurt me, everything will fall into place" "If I speak to my son in quiet tones, and read every parenting book, I can break the cycle of abuse and it will all be over" "I am an adult now, I can forgive my mom, and she can't hurt me anymore" and on and on. It makes me sick to think that I have spent five years thinking I was progressing and all I was doing was finding a way to justify what happened to me in childhood. Or to not remember what happened to me. Needless to say, my self esteem is nil, even though there is a part of me that knows I am a "good" person, in the ways I was taught...and I try to hang on to that. I now know through reading the article and archives that there is no such thing as a "good" person, we are all human, and need to honor that. And here I am still intellectualizing it all. My partner thinks this is another one of my "obsessions" or my new self-help phase. But when I read the article and the archives, something finally clicked in me and I knew I had to try this, and the more I practice it the more I see that it works. I am having a bit of trouble trusting my body, my self, but I am focusing of just knowing that "it WILL lift". And like I said, there has always been a part of me that knows I am "good" and need to get through all this junk that has been passed on to me. I have taken it all and stuffed it for so long, I now realize I don't even know who I really am, as much as I have considered myself "enlightened". Right. Well, I have been practicing the detox method for four days now, and the first two were pretty easy. I still felt completely disconnected from the anger/rage/pain but I do know it is there, and I have felt it intensely before so I will know it when it really does hit me. Then the last two days I redirected about a dozen times each day (my son was away at families for 2 days) and it started to come out; more rage, and I could say things to my mom (in my head) that I could never say to her face, but have always wanted/needed to. I growled into my pillow, feeling the "demons" being released and knowing there is sooo much more there. I felt the nausea, I got a headache, my body felt much more sensitive to stimuli and I ended up with a fever. But I kept reading the archives and I think this is normal. At times the feelings/sensory experience I have are reminiscent of my psychotic break (being acutely aware of my surroundings/ feeling the anger come out) and that does scare me, but I have a lot more understanding of what was happening to me then, what is happening to me now and will expect to continue feeling/ sensing this way. Does this seem normal to you? This new knowledge means the world to me, Ellie, and I want to continue. I worry, though about how long it will take. I have a four year old so I cannot be loud when he is around (which is always). I am learning new ways to punch my pillows quietly and I often feel like I want to scream/growl when I redirect. I do alot of redirecting in my head as far as current anger is concerned (toward my boyfriend and his family who are constantly intruding in our lives). So is it okay to scream, growl in my head? I am also concerned that things will get out of control and I won't be able to help but growl etc. Will it take longer for me this way? Part of my decision to do this is because it doesn't take years of therapy. I am looking forward to all this being over with so I can enjoy life, my son, my self and people in general (I still cut myself off from people to the extreme but that has been changing). I want desperately to move on. I am also concerned with the memories that may surface and whether I can handle them or not. My therapist told me it is not necessary to remember things, and they will come if and when I am ready. Should I continue just to trust? or do I have reason to be concerned if horrible things surface? I know they are just memories, but if I stay in the eye when and if I do remember...can the memories just "carry me away"? I sense that is not the case, I think it is more like what I don't remember will carry me away... > Looking forward to the flood, and post flood, > SHM
Your therapist is right to advise you not to be concerned whether memories will surface. Keep the focus on redirecting without any specific childhood trauma in mind. Go through the scary feelings to the anger. When you get to the anger and release and redirect it, that is when you will be in the eye of the storm as Tom put it. As your brain/mind clears you may or may not recall specific childhood incidents, but they will not 'carry you away.' I knew that I had been left in my crib from birth to cry it out because a friend of my mothers told me she was instructed never to pick me up. This was my original abuse, but I had no actual memory of it. When I finished doing all the redirecting to my mother (and father) and was post flood, I had some memories of this and also of some possible abuse by a man who lived with us. But there was no emotional pain with these memories any more. So even if things come back to you later on when the neural pathways clear, you will not suffer the emotional pain again that you suffered in childhood. As you read the archives you will find others with small children, who are able to help them have their emotions too. You will be guided by your inner wisdom. Ellie
http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 783 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Oct 15, 2000 7:14am Subject: RE: PMS and the toxic mind > Ellie: > I have always suffered from extreme emotional symptoms due to PMS. From the time of ovulation until the onset of bleeding, I am on an emotional roller coaster. This is in addition to my usual emotional "difficulties," which landed me with quite a psychiatric history in themselves. I am wondering if the hormones during the PMS time period increase the brain's sensitivity to its stored toxins. I know I have a big increase in excitatory symptoms while I am PMSing. I would be very interested in your explanation of this relationship. I am also hoping that, if my assumption is correct, then once I am post-flood I will no longer experience this intense and debilitating PMS. Is this a possibility? I am no scientist, but it seems to make sense. MK There is a periodic over- and under-stimulation of the various glands that control output of hormones as a result of the periodic detox crises in the brain. This means when you are having excitatory nervous symptoms during the PMS time, there are probably feedback mechanisms that can affect the intensity of your symptoms. Menstruation is a detox process itself. When you are post flood, and especially if you change to a healthier diet, there should be much less bleeding, and you should not have any emotional symptoms associated with this. The below is from my scientific paper, and doesn't go into detail but gives the idea of the effect of toxicosis in the brain on various peripheral organs, all of which have feedback mechanisms to the brain. Psychosomatic disorders: Because of toxicosis in the hypothalamus the activity of pituitary hormones may be altered periodically, adversely affecting a number of systems. The periodic shift from under-excitation to over-excitation in the autonomic nervous system contributes to a variety of psychosomatic disorders, better termed neurogenic. Fluctuations in parasympathetic activity affect the heart, digestion, and elimination. Because the entire sympathetic system is usually excited at the same time, periodic changes in its activity affect most of the visceral organs. The sympathetic system increases cellular metabolism, which accelerates the release of toxins throughout the body. When this system is repressed, the body cannot efficiently carry out the daily process of detoxification. Tumors can occur anywhere in the body where toxins are being walled-off, but enervation in the central and autonomic nervous systems is likely to contribute to cancer. Increased levels of dopamine and its metabolites are associated with ganglioneuromas and neuroblastomas (35). Excess catecholamine in the adrenal gland is found in pheochromocytoma. Women with metastatic breast cancer were shown to live longer when they entered therapy for the release of repressed emotions, and patients who died more rapidly were less able to communicate dysphoric feelings, particularly anger (36).
http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 784 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Oct 15, 2000 7:45am Subject: Re: Emotional pain of early abuse > Ellie: > I just wanted to reply to SHM's post. SHM's post really moved me. I admire the intensity with which she is using this method and the absolute determination to be well that she expresses. I strongly identified with her. MK Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 785 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Oct 15, 2000 8:24am Subject: Guilt > Dear WM, > If repressed anger is one side of a coin, then what is the other side? Egotism! Self-absorption! Narcissism! Being stuck on yourself because you are stuck IN yourself, or more accurately, you are stuck in the cesspool of repressed anger that now defines yourself so much that it infects and pervades your entire life. Tom I'd just like to add here that you are innocent of having these derogatory characteristics, and if you feel any guilt about this be sure to redirect to your parents. I was the most self absorbed, narcissistic, egotist, (more accurately, egoist, since I seldom spoke) on the planet and guess whose fault that was, not mine. When you redirect your anger to past abusers, these characteristics will shift in their meaning. It's interesting that some one in denial said about Alice Miller that she was 'self centered and autocratic.' I get this criticism too and consider it a compliment. In sharing our experiences with each other this kind of self centeredness and autocracy is what is healing the world. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety
http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 787 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Oct 15, 2000 11:52am Subject: Windmills I think I misunderstood the fighting windmills. I was thinking of windmills as big objects trying to blow you away. I'll have to leave the analogies to Tom, who is better at this than I am. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 788 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Oct 15, 2000 3:43pm Subject: Re: Doing it right > I just wanted to say thank for you reply. It makes a lot of sense. I am a anxious person who recently joined and of course I do not know where to start. One thing is sure I am going to follow to advice about redirecting. A new member. Welcome aboard, and it sounds like you do know where to start, which is to follow the suggestions. I identify with your anxiety. For years, psychiatrists said to me, "What are you so afraid of?" Fear is just some excess adrenaline stuck in our nervous systems. I'm happy to say that fear is gone forever. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety 789 From: Elnora Van Winkle> Date: Sun Oct 15, 2000 3:54pm Subject: RE: It is going well.. I think. > Hi, > I have been redirecting at least once a day physically and several times in my head. It seems to be going well. My body feels lighter afterward and I don't feel so confused/frustrated. But I think I am still having trouble really getting to the anger. I used to feel it intensely in my late teens, but of course never really expressed it physically. But since then I have "forgiven" my mom (in my mind she was my main abuser) and let bygones be with all the others who wronged me. So I am having trouble really reconnecting with the anger and while I do the motions and it does feel right. I have trouble really picturing my mom or the others. I tend to sort of go in my mind through my childhood home to find triggers and then (halfheartedly) redirect at my mom. I have to keep coming up with triggers every minute or so even though I know I should just rage at my mom/stepdads etc. Lately I seem to do more crying than really feeling angry. It still feels right, though. Is the crying also expressing the anger? And how long should a redirection normally last? I usually go for 5-10 minutes before I start crying. xx You really can't reach forgiveness until all the repressed anger is gone. Don't try to search through your childhood for specific triggers. The triggers are the excitatory nervous symptoms listed in the article. Watch for these, and then redirect to your mom and stepdads, and all past people you can think of who were similar to your parents in the way they dealt with you. Sounds great that you are getting into crying. Crying often goes along with the release of anger or more often follows it. There is a toxicosis of neurochemicals that are involved in the release of feelings of grief and these need to be detoxed as well. Let your body be the guide for how long to redirect and do it until you relax. Ellie http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety Yüklə 5,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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