Defining Moments

JUNE 7th 2012: JOURNAL ENTRY

Funny how people can be judgmental and cruel. I was talking to Blaine today. He used to be a general manager for the Star Restaurant. His words were cruel,

“Oh so you have to pick up a second job. What happened to your bartending? Your books? Your podcasts?” Blaine asked.

I thought really? Anger set in me. I picked up a second job in order to maintain the flow of money so I do not fall on my face. Besides the bartending job was down the street from Danielles work place. Everyday seeing my car that I gave her, at the job was painful.

“Just remember to make the right choices KAT. Look at the

choice you made in being with your girlfriend and look

what she did to you? Maybe if you were not so damn different, she wouldn’t have left you.” Blaine said.

I reeled back from the text and thought really.

“I did not ask to be different.” I replied.

He simply responded,

“No one wants to be around you. People laugh at you, you are the butt of jokes.” Blaine said.

My anger almost made me fly off the handle. People never seem to understand how we aspire to our dreams. There will always be haters, and those that judge. What my ex girlfriend did was not about choices that I had made however choices that she made.

YES, I admit that I refused to look at the warning signs. I knew in my soul that Danielle was hiding something from me. I chose to ignore it. I kept reflecting back on my childhood. I kept thinking no, Danielle was not like that. She made promises to me. Come on, life could not be that cruel to have me fall in love with someone that would hurt me like that. I own that truth in me. I wanted so desperately a connection with another person that when I did have that perceived connection that I overlooked the red flags. Danielle had ulterior motives. No wonder she left, I am stupid.

I wish Danielle could’ve told me the truth. I wish she would have apologized. To this day she disavows that I exist. However would Danielle’s apology be real.

When my mother apologized, it was not real. On my mother’s death bed she left a note addressed to me. She had died of ovarian cancer.

It read:

Kat,

Forgive me for the evils I did onto you. I deserve to die. Thank you for believing I could change. Perhaps if I had changed, I would live and see that place you call heaven. Now I shall rot in the place known as hell. Just know that I was wrong. Can you pray for my soul?”

Kendra always tried to apologize then at the last moment wanted a favor. In just one month I will turn 40 years old. I do not know what I will do for my birthday. The ongoing joke for 22 years is that one day I will have a great celebration for my birthday. I never had that before in my life. Each year comes and something always happens to interfere with that wish. I had thought back six months ago that I would spend a quiet night with Danielle. There is an old saying that the best laid plans have the best intention.

There are thoughts in my head about life. What great love lies ahead? Does true love even exist? Will I be the blunt of jokes? These last few months of devastation to my heart I have been lost.